Need some sympathy

[SomethingsMissing]

Help, please. I fell in love with a married man. We had gone to high school together, years ago, and then, out of the blue, he contacted me earlier this year. He had seen my name in a context that was meaningful to him, looked me up, and got in touch.

 

We met for the first time in years, and it felt instantly as if I had always known him. I couldn't believe how easily we talked. And within the first five minutes, I knew he wanted to sleep me with me.

 

Now, before you judge me, try going 13 years without any sex at all, and then have someone you already know and like pay you fantastic attention, flirtly, making sexy references, and giving you all that you've missed for all those years. I knew he was married. Even as we flirted some part of me figured well, this is all fine and dandy, but after dinner it will all be over and fantasyland must go beddie-bye.

 

But surprise, surprise - after an amazing dinner, in which he spoon fed me the chocolate dessert, he grabbed me and kissed me with such an intensity.

 

We got a room and he gave me truly the best sex I'd ever had in my life, which is probably not saying enough - he was truly gifted. And the eye contact. And he focused so much on my feelings, whether I was enjoying myself. I've never had anything like that, ever.

 

But the next morning, he was suddenly cold, distant, panicked. I found out later he had never cheated on his wife of nearly 20 years, although he had been quite a player before they were married. He couldn't even look me in the eye. I finally had to ask for a hug before parting. I was so confused. How could someone be sooooooo into you one night and so not the next morning? Was I that bad in bed? Maybe I was, right?

 

I emailed him a couple of times afterwards - we had emailed before that. He responded very nicely, said he really valued my friendship, etc.

 

I sat on my true feelings for about a week, then wrote him that I really had an amazing time, and it needed to be acknowledged, but that I was not trying to start something, or get a rise out of him. He said he needed to think about that and read it several more times. I started wondering, maybe his feelings for me weren't so black and white.

 

Throughout the summer we emailed. Most of the messages were casual, but every now and then he'd surprise me with something erotic, some longing he had for me.

 

I had read posts here and thought that I really had to end this. He was consuming all my thoughts, and that poor lovely wife who didn't know anything. He had been out of contact for several days and had never done that before without saying he was going away, so I had searched his name, and found something about his wife instead. That kind of made it real, and I wrote him a note breaking it off, and saying don't contact me unless you truly just want to be friends, in which case, don't sleep with me. I told him his wife loved him, and that he had this great family and great house and great kids so what was he doing with me?

 

Then he wrote me back an honest note saying he was sorry this was hard on me, but he'd still like to see me. More emails, etc., and I forgave him. But I seriously misread him when we talked on the phone, and I thought he was coming to spend not just one night with me but two - one coming and one going from a separate business engagement.

 

After we had another terrific session, he mentioned he had to leave. It was 1am or so. I couldn't believe he didn't want to stay and drive out in the morning. And then I found he wasn't coming back either. I turned nasty and told him to see himself out, but then felt bad, and went out while he was changing, and tried to talk and figure out where the communication had gone so wrong. He said then he HAD taken my message to heart (odd, given his behavior) - I got the feeling he had popped in for some goodbye sex, perhaps. I don't know.

 

In any case - it's over now. I'm glad it's over for his wife's sake, I'm so heartbroken I can barely breathe today. Any kind words would be nice. I truly didn't mean to hurt anyone, and while I expected to be hurt myself, I had forgotten how deeply it hurts to lose someone you truly care about. I had fallen in love with him during our email discussions. My bad, I know, on every level.

 

Please don't call him a prick. He wasn't. He has a different morality than most people, and was acting in accordance with his own conscience. For some men I really think they perceive getting sex outside their marriage as helping them preserve their marriage without losing their soul. I don't agree, but I can understand that mindset.

[whichwayisup]

I hope you stay in no contact mode with him, forever. It was a mistake that he looked you up. You got hurt, he cheated on his wife and now things are a mess.

 

As many say, no new contact = no new hurts.

 

Once you completely heal and are able to see him for who he really is, you'll actually see him a new light - A selfish pr*ck. Sorry, but he is.

[SomethingsMissing]

I know you're right. I felt good about it when I wrote the goodbye letter. He's got so much going for him and my life is so hard, it really wasn't fair for him to put me in that situation.

 

But I have to take responsibility for my role too. I gave in too easily.

 

He was acting from selfish motives, but for one summer he made me feel incredibly attractive, and I haven't felt that way in years.

[stampdaddy]

he wanted sex... he wanted "the chase", and you were caught. game over.. Then you became "the game" again when you stood up to him, then the chase began again, and he caught you, game over again. BOTH time the GUILT caught HIM, game over.. That's what I see... sorry Hang in though, you'll be OK.. suious question though: 13 years???

[SomethingsMissing]

suious question though: 13 years???

 

13 years, broken just before I met him by a total ass who was easy to forget the following day.

 

It's a wonder I'm still alive. Proof that it can be survived, but not enjoyed.

[SomethingsMissing]

he wanted sex... he wanted "the chase", and you were caught. game over.. Then you became "the game" again when you stood up to him, then the chase began again, and he caught you, game over again. BOTH time the GUILT caught HIM, game over.. That's what I see... sorry Hang in though, you'll be OK.. quote]

 

And I definitely think the chase played a part. I tried going no contact a few times during the summer, and EVERY DANG TIME I thought I was moving on, he'd email out of the blue, with something nice to say, and I'd be right back in it again.

 

He was much cooler this time, until the end of the night, presumably because by then he knew my feelings all too well. He even mentioned something during dinner about how one of the necessary elements of a good life is "suspense." Suspense gone, game over.

 

Keep talking. This does help. I've been reading this forum silently for a few weeks now and I know you can help me.

[White Flower]

Hi SM,

 

Sorry to hear about all this. It sounds like you really just want someone to tell you what really happened: he used you.

 

And it must have been really hard on you since he was the one who sought you out, thrilled you in bed, and was pretty nice in the emails. But that last act of using you was just horrible. He literally loved you and left you.

 

I'm sorry again and hope you put this behind you forever. He has proven by dashing out like that that he is not worth the pain. Find someone you deserve. The good thing is, you have learned that there is someone out there that can physically love you like that! Go and look for him.

[SomethingsMissing]

Hi SM,

 

The good thing is, you have learned that there is someone out there that can physically love you like that! Go and look for him.

 

Thanks, White Flower. I do think that was the one gift he left me - hope that there are men out there who will find me attractive enough to have great sex with. I really needed that, after all these years. I'm very overweight, which doesn't help. But he knew that when he looked me up the first time - he saw my picture.

[SomethingsMissing]

I guess one of the reasons I'm posting here is to see unbiased reactions to his behavior. I'm obviously too close to the situation to have any useful perspective.

 

And if you all get angry, it's almost like I don't have to. Or you'll give me permission to. I feel I set myself up - he never lied or said he loved me or that he wanted anything other than to enjoy my company "wherever that led". He did not say he was going to stay the night, but I mistakenly thought that was implied.

[stampdaddy]

I guess one of the reasons I'm posting here is to see unbiased reactions to his behavior. I'm obviously too close to the situation to have any useful perspective.

 

And if you all get angry, it's almost like I don't have to. Or you'll give me permission to. I feel I set myself up - he never lied or said he loved me or that he wanted anything other than to enjoy my company "wherever that led". He did not say he was going to stay the night, but I mistakenly thought that was implied.

 

I AM sorry, sweetie, BUT HE USED YOU.. There it is in your lap, have a good cry, get pissed, and get over it. LEARN FROM IT

[SomethingsMissing]

I AM sorry, sweetie, BUT HE USED YOU.. There it is in your lap, have a good cry, get pissed, and get over it. LEARN FROM IT

 

It's hard to admit to being used. It's easier to see him as a user than to see myself so stupid as to fall for that.

[stampdaddy]

It's hard to admit to being used. It's easier to see him as a user than to see myself so stupid as to fall for that.

 

Well, you can do that, BUT, you were used.. LEARN from it.. We all are "stupid" in our lives, nothing wrong with that. Doesnt mean you're stupid.. Forest Gump: Stupid is as Stupid does (can't believe I just quoted FG, usually it would be omeone like Noah, from the NoteBook)

 

Hope you're smiling now.

[SomethingsMissing]

Well, you can do that, BUT, you were used.. LEARN from it.. We all are "stupid" in our lives, nothing wrong with that. Doesnt mean you're stupid.. Forest Gump: Stupid is as Stupid does (can't believe I just quoted FG, usually it would be omeone like Noah, from the NoteBook)

 

Hope you're smiling now.

 

I did LOL at that! First smile all day. Thanks for that!

[stampdaddy]

I did LOL at that! First smile all day. Thanks for that!

MANY more to come.. Don't beat yourself up over this.. I mean hey, you got laid.. or is it layed? if your in Hawaii, I know it's "lei'd" chin up

[SomethingsMissing]

MANY more to come.. Don't beat yourself up over this.. I mean hey, you got laid.. or is it layed? if your in Hawaii, I know it's "lei'd" chin up

 

Laid, I think. Much better than getting "Lei'd", although I do love flowers.

 

Yeah - I only wish I could have had more of the sex in that timeframe. That was the best part. But he was also really sweet to me. I had some bad days and would just write him a rant - saying this isn't about you, but here's what's going on in my life, and he was so sweet and supportive. All up until he was about to come visit this last time. Then he just went silent. The closer the time came for his visit, the more distant he got. I finally had to text him to see if he was coming - I had never done that - stuck to email, always. But he did call and apologize and said work had been so busy, etc. etc.

 

I sent him three nice mails today - each time thinking it was the last, but then having that 'one more thing' to say. Now I'm wondering why I was so nice. He did use me. He did.

[stampdaddy]

Laid, I think. Much better than getting "Lei'd", although I do love flowers.

 

Yeah - I only wish I could have had more of the sex in that timeframe. That was the best part. But he was also really sweet to me. I had some bad days and would just write him a rant - saying this isn't about you, but here's what's going on in my life, and he was so sweet and supportive. All up until he was about to come visit this last time. Then he just went silent. The closer the time came for his visit, the more distant he got. I finally had to text him to see if he was coming - I had never done that - stuck to email, always. But he did call and apologize and said work had been so busy, etc. etc.

 

I sent him three nice mails today - each time thinking it was the last, but then having that 'one more thing' to say. Now I'm wondering why I was so nice. He did use me. He did.

 

I hear your tears, and stop it!! You have friends EVERYWHERE, HERE to start, we will get you through this and anything else that comes along. I know this and I am NEW to this site (have read it for many months though..) Hey, this is just a "moment" of time, NOT, true time.. turn your thinking table around, YOU USED HIM.. you got some.. send him packin' NOW, get some more, with someone that can be YOURS

[SomethingsMissing]

I hear your tears, and stop it!! You have friends EVERYWHERE, HERE to start, we will get you through this and anything else that comes along. I know this and I am NEW to this site (have read it for many months though..) Hey, this is just a "moment" of time, NOT, true time.. turn your thinking table around, YOU USED HIM.. you got some.. send him packin' NOW, get some more, with someone that can be YOURS

 

I know that's good advice - but I'm still in a grieving period. It's good though - by the time he does respond, if he responds at all, I'll be one step further away, or maybe, with the help of this forum, several.

 

Thanks re the tears. It's been a tough week. I thought I'd given him up once, and then was so happy he still wanted to be with me, and then so unhappy he didn't want to be with me very much, etc.

[stampdaddy]

I know that's good advice - but I'm still in a grieving period. It's good though - by the time he does respond, if he responds at all, I'll be one step further away, or maybe, with the help of this forum, several.

 

Thanks re the tears. It's been a tough week. I thought I'd given him up once, and then was so happy he still wanted to be with me, and then so unhappy he didn't want to be with me very much, etc.

 

Cry all you want to.. I cry everyday.. But eventually I ask myself, "why am I crying, when I don't have to?"

[SomethingsMissing]

StampDaddy - you seem like a really nice person. Why are you suffering for your woman? Why can't you just walk away?

[stampdaddy]

StampDaddy - you seem like a really nice person. Why are you suffering for your woman? Why can't you just walk away?

Because I LOVE HER.. And I KNOW SHE LOVES ME.. And I believe, for now. I'll be OK, I won't let myself get too down.. BUT, for now, I BELIEVE

[SomethingsMissing]

Because I LOVE HER.. And I KNOW SHE LOVES ME.. And I believe, for now. I'll be OK, I won't let myself get too down.. BUT, for now, I BELIEVE

 

Well, I believe you too. I'm sorry for your pain, though.

[stampdaddy]

Well, I believe you too. I'm sorry for your pain, though.

 

I believe in the word "BEAUTIFUL", and she is my definition of Beautiful.. I hope to keep it from becoming UGLY

[OpenBook]

But I have to take responsibility for my role too. I gave in too easily.

 

Yup!! He acted like a typical male, married or not. They don't like it when a woman gives it up too soon. I think on some level it actually disappoints them!

 

He was acting from selfish motives, but for one summer he made me feel incredibly attractive, and I haven't felt that way in years.

 

Perfectly understandable. But you should feel incredibly attractive ANYWAY... regardless of how he (or any other man) treats you. It shouldn't depend on them. They are notoriously unreliable!!

 

I AM sorry, sweetie, BUT HE USED YOU.. There it is in your lap, have a good cry, get pissed, and get over it. LEARN FROM IT

 

Let me rephrase this a little (hope you don't mind, stampdaddy!!) -- YOU ALLOWED HIM to use you.

 

he wanted sex... he wanted "the chase", and you were caught. game over.. Then you became "the game" again when you stood up to him, then the chase began again, and he caught you, game over again.

 

I'm totally with stampdaddy on this. Don't ever let them "catch" you!! Keep running, no matter how badly you want sex and validation from them.

[OpenBook]

Laid, I think. Much better than getting "Lei'd", although I do love flowers.

 

Yeah - I only wish I could have had more of the sex in that timeframe. That was the best part. But he was also really sweet to me. I had some bad days and would just write him a rant - saying this isn't about you, but here's what's going on in my life, and he was so sweet and supportive. All up until he was about to come visit this last time. Then he just went silent. The closer the time came for his visit, the more distant he got. I finally had to text him to see if he was coming - I had never done that - stuck to email, always. But he did call and apologize and said work had been so busy, etc. etc.

 

I sent him three nice mails today - each time thinking it was the last, but then having that 'one more thing' to say. Now I'm wondering why I was so nice. He did use me. He did.

 

My advice - Cease and Desist with the emails! Immediately! You're coming across as desperate to him. Also (based on his behavior) he is not worth any more of your attention. He's going to have to jump thru hoops to get a second glance from you, from now on.

[stampdaddy]

My advice - Cease and Desist with the emails! Immediately! You're coming across as desperate to him. Also (based on his behavior) he is not worth any more of your attention. He's going to have to jump thru hoops to get a second glance from you, from now on.

 

AGREE 1 million percent