He seems trapped - but I like him.

[embra]

I met this guy online. He was very sweet, but upfront saying that he was married, but unhappy. I said we could be friends, which he agreed.

 

We talked for a couple of months speaking about our lives. He told me that his wife suffered from depression and he had wanted to leave for years, but he loves his kids and with three kids plus alimony - he'd be looking at a ton of money.

 

I understand a man's love for his kids, but I cannot understand why someone would remain in such an unhappy relationship.

 

After talking for a few months, he asked me to 'friendly dinner' which I accepted. One thing lead to another and, yes, we started an affair.

 

Not something I am proud of.

 

Watching him and being around him I can tell that he is neglected in his relationship. Not just physically but emotionally as well.

 

I heard him on the phone with her - as soon as he said "hello?" she started yelling about an empty box that hadn't been moved out of the garage. This is just one of many things I have observed, and we have only been seeing each other two weeks.

 

We have spoken at length about his situation. He feels as though he would be abandoning his kids if he left. "Family is important to me." I said "But what kind of family do you have? You are lying to them and yourself."

 

I am not making up excuses for what I am doing. Nor am I looking for someone to take my side. I understand that the situation I am in is wrong.

 

He & I are comfortable around each other and the chemistry is unreal, regardless of any 'physical' things we have done. We get along great and can even agree to disagree on various topics.

 

I am just curious as to why a man would remain in an unhappy situation for his kids. Any opinions?

[whichwayisup]

am just curious as to why a man would remain in an unhappy situation for his kids.

 

1)He does love her, he just has a very difficult life with her because of the depression.

2)He loves his kids and he isn't going to disrupt their lives by ending the marriage.

3)He does love his wife, it's just dealing with a depressed spouse has it's shining moments which are not good.

 

He is lonely and obviously you are filling in a need he is not getting at home. DO NOT mistake that for him falling inlove with you.

 

This situation will turn into a huge mess, so since it's only been afew weeks, think about getting out and ending the A with him. If you honestly care about him and what is best for him, and his kids, do not allow him to cheat on his wife anymore. Stop helping him betray his wife and kids.

 

Read more threads in this section, maybe more of your questions will be answered. Also, take some time to read in the infidelity section, so you maybe you can understand the other side - The betrayal side when the spouse finds out about the cheating.

 

He will never leave his 3 kids (are they very young?) and wife. He may say he wants to, or even say he WILL, but he won't. He has obligations and even MORE SO because he has a wife who is mentally ill.

[mattym]

Course you get on great - you're not looking after his kids all day. he's making an effort for you, which he won't be doing with his wife, and you haven't yet seen him when he's not doing his best to be attractive to you

 

He likes the comfort and security of home, and maybe his wife is in charge - so in effect she has 4 kids to deal with

 

When he's with you he can be a big man, the kind of man he cannot be at home. And of course, with you he gets exciting new sex

 

It's great while it lasts, but watch what happens when you start to yearn for more than that, or his W finds out...

 

hope things remedy themselves

 

Matt

[whichwayisup]

He likes the comfort and security of home, and maybe his wife is in charge - so in effect she has 4 kids to deal with

 

No, it's probably more like HE has 4 kids to deal with at home, instead of 3, seeing as she has depression.

[embra]

Course you get on great - you're not looking after his kids all day. he's making an effort for you, which he won't be doing with his wife, and you haven't yet seen him when he's not doing his best to be attractive to you

 

I understand this perception, but he's not really trying to be more attractive to me. We are comfortable around each other, meaning that we've seen each other's physical flaws and I have been a witness to a phone conversation with his wife....which, honestly, made me realize the situation he's in.

 

Guys will say anything to get laid, being a woman in her late 20's - I realize this. We had established that it would be 'friends only'...but the more he opened up to me, the more I saw what I think is a very good person in a bad situation.

[mattym]

No, it's probably more like HE has 4 kids to deal with at home, instead of 3, seeing as she has depression.

 

well, going by the OP I'm not su#o sure, WWIU

 

Who's looking after the kids all the time while he's online chatting to his new squeeze, and who's taking cre of them & the house while he's off out with her?

 

I just think this guy could be saying anything to get a womans sympathy ...and its not a great jump from that to getting her into bed

[whichwayisup]

How old are their children?

 

He may be a good person in a bad situation, but don't fool yourself into thinking he will change his life up for you. He already has a family, so if you are hoping at some point he will dump his wife and kids for you, start over, chances are very slim.

 

You have to keep in mind that this guy is messed up too, he probably has some depression as well...Do you understand what depression does to someone and the fallout? He really is in no position to be starting an affair and adding MORE problems into his life.

[mattym]

I understand this perception, but he's not really trying to be more attractive to me. We are comfortable around each other, meaning that we've seen each other's physical flaws and I have been a witness to a phone conversation with his wife....which, honestly, made me realize the situation he's in.

 

Guys will say anything to get laid, being a woman in her late 20's - I realize this. We had established that it would be 'friends only'...but the more he opened up to me, the more I saw what I think is a very good person in a bad situation.

 

But is it your job to solve that for him? and how will sha&&ing him help that? Think about it

 

And you cant know him, not really. he'll be editing what he tells you to put him in the most sympathetic life. Has he told you yet something along the lines of ' If only we'd met first before I'd married'?

 

Honestly, no man goes online chatting to women to find a confidante..

[whichwayisup]

well, going by the OP I'm not su#o sure, WWIU

 

Who's looking after the kids all the time while he's online chatting to his new squeeze, and who's taking cre of them & the house while he's off out with her?

 

I just think this guy could be saying anything to get a womans sympathy ...and its not a great jump from that to getting her into bed

 

Well, it depends on how old their kids are, right?

 

Yes, this guy is pouring it on abit more intensely and is looking for a distraction, and unfortuntely the Em is going to get hurt if she doesn't wake up and get out of this situation, the affair.

[mattym]

Well, it depends on how old their kids are, right?

 

Yes, this guy is pouring it on abit more intensely and is looking for a distraction, and unfortuntely the Em is going to get hurt if she doesn't wake up and get out of this situation, the affair.

 

I agree. He won't be the one to finish it though - he's having the fun. There's nothing better than having a doting female saying how tough it must be for you, then takes you into her bed for fun. Then you get to go home and carry on until the next time

[embra]

How old are their children?

11, 8 & 4.

 

You have to keep in mind that this guy is messed up too, he probably has some depression as well...Do you understand what depression does to someone and the fallout?

 

Yes, it does seem as though he has some depression symptoms as well. I have suffered from it since I was 17 (11 years). However, medication has helped me. My problem is besides the point. I have found that being an observer of personalities he seems as though he is in a relationship with a controlling woman who seems more concerned with status.

 

I'm not making an excuse for him, by all means. I guess having no kids, it doesn't make sense to me to stay if you are unhappy.

[whichwayisup]

Because of his depressed moments, her depression, fact that you really don't know this man very well, only what he's told you online (he's also only told you what he wants you to know) and from what you've 'seen' in the past few weeks, ONE phone call, which you only heard HIS voice, not his wife's voice... AND, having 3 kids under the age of 12, do you really think this is a good situation for yourself? Forget him for a moment.

 

BECAUSE of those kids, he has to do his best to make his marriage better. Go to marriage counselling, get his wife on meds, to a therapist so she can get a better hold of her depression. Keep in mind too, this man is CHEATING on his wife, LYING to her daily, while he is cozing it up with you. Why are you believing every single word coming out of his mouth? Why do you think that he wouldn't white lie and/or exaggerate the truth when it comes to you? You think he only lies to his wife??? come on...Don't fool yourself, k. take a step back and see the whole picture here...

 

Also, are you truely happy to be helping a man with 3 KIDS and a depressed wife, cheat and betray his whole family? You do not know his wife at all, only the things he's told you about her. You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors...I bet he has told you that they never have sex.

 

Sorry if I am coming off harsh, but you need to see the other side of this and not just think "in the heat of the moment." You deserve better and more, not someone else's husband.

[embra]

which you only heard HIS voice, not his wife's voice...

 

I could hear hear voice from across the room on his phone. I heard everything she was saying. I just wanted to make sure that was known.

 

 

BECAUSE of those kids, he has to do his best to make his marriage better. Go to marriage counselling, get his wife on meds, to a therapist so she can get a better hold of her depression. Keep in mind too, this man is CHEATING on his wife, LYING to her daily, while he is cozing it up with you.

 

He told me that they tried counseling. I am unsure if this is true or not. He said she felt if they kept going, the kids would notice. - - like the kids don't notice or something? Kids pick up on more than you think.

 

Why are you believing every single word coming out of his mouth? Why do you think that he wouldn't white lie and/or exaggerate the truth when it comes to you? You think he only lies to his wife??? come on...Don't fool yourself, k. take a step back and see the whole picture here...

 

I understand this. I do see what is happening. But I also see that he is lonely. Just from the small gestures, like - for instance - he left me in the car, went to the pizza place, ordered....walked to the supermarket in the same block, got drinks, went back to the pizza place and picked the pizza up. Now, this is pretty standard for someone to do. But I was in the car the whole time watching him do it all. I said "Ya know, I can DO something..." he said "It's alright...I'm used to doing it all. She usually just stays in bed all day."

 

Also, are you truely happy to be helping a man with 3 KIDS and a depressed wife, cheat and betray his whole family?

 

No. This is not me at all.

 

I bet he has told you that they never have sex.

 

No, he has told me they do. About once every three weeks. He said he has tried to 'spice up' their love lives, to no avail. Who knows...it's true, he could be lying as well.

[whichwayisup]

No. This is not me at all.

 

Then get out before you get hurt, before his wife finds out and he turns on you. Do you want to face his wife on DDay? (discovery day of the affair.) Be prepared for anything, if you knowingly get involved with a man who is married and you know he has young kids, well, one day you might have to face up and live with the consquences of your own choices here.

[norajane]

he said "It's alright...I'm used to doing it all. She usually just stays in bed all day."

 

Then WHO takes care of those 3 children when he is with you? Or all day when he's at work?

 

You're already too emotionally attached to a man who trolled the internet to find a woman to have a sexual affair with, and far too invested in whether he leaves his wife. He doesn't want to leave his wife - that's why he went on the internet looking for an OW.

[embra]

Then WHO takes care of those 3 children when he is with you? Or all day when he's at work?

 

SHE has two children from a separate man who are older teens (17 & 15), I am guessing they help? Not sure.

 

You're already too emotionally attached to a man who trolled the internet to find a woman to have a sexual affair with, and far too invested in whether he leaves his wife. He doesn't want to leave his wife - that's why he went on the internet looking for an OW.

 

I am unsure if he was 'trolling' we met on a social networking site and his status said 'single', yes. but "looking for: friends". That could mean a lot of things, I agree. But, I know I was only there for friendship. He said he had never met someone on the 'net he didn't know before, which is why we met in a "people are around" place first.

 

I, honestly, did not post this to say "Will he leave her for me?" - if you got that idea, I apologize. My intention was to say I do not understand why people stay in unhappy situations for the children.

[reboot]

I do not understand why people stay in unhappy situations for the children.

They rarely do. They often use that as an excuse though.

[whichwayisup]

I am unsure if he was 'trolling' we met on a social networking site and his status said 'single', yes. but "looking for: friends". That could mean a lot of things

 

His status said single and you aren't sure? Fact is, HE LIED! He is on SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE, even looking for "friends" - There's intent. There is no but...

 

Your intended question of "why do people stay in unhappy situations for the kids" really should mean, "Why am I having an affair with a married man who is married to a depressed spouse and has 5 children, 3 of which are his, and 2 are step children."

 

You may have been there for friendship, but your friendship is not that at all. You are having an affair, so that is not a platonic friendship with innocent intentions. There's something now in it for you - So any real honesty in the friendship, in the sense of you just being his friend, has disappeared...

[embra]

His status said single and you aren't sure? Fact is, HE LIED! He is on SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE, even looking for "friends" - There's intent. There is no but...

 

People put crap on social places all the time. I have a 17 year old friend who has 'divorced' as her status. He was honest about the fact that he was married from the beginning, so I cannot look at his 'status' as lying. Now, what he is DOING to his wife? Yea, that's lying.

 

You are having an affair, so that is not a platonic friendship with innocent intentions. There's something now in it for you - So any real honesty in the friendship, in the sense of you just being his friend, has disappeared...

 

...yeah, I know. I'm not proud of what I am doing. Maybe I can just relate to the loneliness? Maybe I'm just bored and looking for excitement? I do not know. He just seems genuine to me. Maybe I'm naive. Probably. I'm 28, never been in this situation before. I just don't understand his perceptive on his marriage. Guess I'm not suppose to. I'm just the whore.

[whichwayisup]

To be honest, his marriage is really none of your business. Sorry to sound harsh again.

 

No, you aren't the whore, I never implied that either. What I AM trying to do is open your eyes so you can see what you're doing is helping him cheat, helping yourself to another woman's husband is selfish.

 

If you are bored and lonely, find a single man who doesn't have a depressed wife and 5 kids in tow.

 

Anyway, you are going to do what you're going to do, but just put yourself in her shoes for a minute. You only hear one side of things and you have NO idea what HE is like behind closed doors. He may act like he's the perfect husband, the caring and loving father - Yet his actions, searching on a social networking site, saying he is single is NOT a joke when you are lying about your status...

 

Imagine if you were married and you found out your spouse was doing what he is doing!

 

At 28 years old, I would hope you'd want your own man, not someone else's...Staying in this situation will only do damage to you, and I'm not sure you're understanding that.

[whichwayisup]

I have a 17 year old friend who has 'divorced' as her status.

 

Yeah, it's different when you're single and want to do that...When you (talking general you) are married it is WRONG and very deceitful to put down 'single' as your status. You won't understand that until YOU are married...I mean, one day when you're married, have your own kids, and you caught your husband putting down single as his status on some networking site, you'd be hurt and pissed off!

[norajane]

He just seems genuine to me. Maybe I'm naive. Probably. I'm 28, never been in this situation before. I just don't understand his perceptive on his marriage.

 

He may not be all excited with is life - 5 kids is a lot of responsibility and puts quite a damper on all kinds of spontaneous fun and excitement, and he's also probably a bit bored and whatnot. However, it's very likely that he is exaggerating his wife's 'depression' and his unhappiness in order to play on your sympathies and get that excitement from you.

 

He wouldn't be the first to do so:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137580/?highlight=craigslist

[whichwayisup]

Though he has told you every 3 weeks or so he does have sex with his wife, so things can't be that bad....

[embra]

Though he has told you every 3 weeks or so he does have sex with his wife, so things can't be that bad....

 

I asked him about this. He said she just lays there. Which, yeah, is a common complaint from married men from what I understand. Boring sex.

[embra]

He may not be all excited with is life - 5 kids is a lot of responsibility and puts quite a damper on all kinds of spontaneous fun and excitement, and he's also probably a bit bored and whatnot. However, it's very likely that he is exaggerating his wife's 'depression' and his unhappiness in order to play on your sympathies and get that excitement from you.

 

He wouldn't be the first to do so:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137580/?highlight=craigslist

 

That link is very interesting to say the least. I asked him to honestly tell me if he was bored. Even before we met. I said "I'm not big on liars, just...if you are bored and lonely in your marriage, just tell me. It'll be fine if you are." He said "I'm not lying, I have no reason to lie to you. It's not easy in my situation. I wish I could get my kids away from this environment, it is unhealthy for them - and I realize that. But I feel like I don't have many choices...she'll take everything."

 

*shurg* some of that could be lines. Some could be true.