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Does anyone just get tired of it all?


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Being the OW sometimes I just get tired of the whole thing. The lies, cheating, sneaking around and I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Then there are times I know I love my MM and want nothing more than to be with him even though there is all these obstacles. I know alot of this thinking just comes with the territory. I guess what I am asking is does anyone just wish he would leave his wife and get it done with already? Or if they should just end this and move on?

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I was an OW. And yes, I got HEARTILY sick of it. especially since his lies and sh**ty behaviour continued AFTER he left his W and everything was out in the open.

 

So I left. Took me nearly 2 years though.

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I know for me, I just wanted to be "WE".. and for 3 1/2 years I thought we were getting close. But now I realize that I am simply the OM.. That I have no rights, no say in what my relationship holds, no idea of what is going to happen, no clue of what to do (wait for her OR say screw it).

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I read somewhere (and I think I've repeated it here before) a saying about being the OW and getting out of the R that said something to the effect of ...."Ask yourself 'Do I want to stay in as much as I want to get out?' " The more you ask yourself this, and really think about this, eventually you supposedly move from being more 'wanting to stay in' to being more 'wanting to get out'.........

 

I got to the point that I knew I wanted out more than I wanted to stay in - it just started to not make sense what I was in it for and every part of my brain screamed 'get out' but its the heart that is soooo unco-operative. I'm still doing battle with that and probably will for a long time. There is no question a part of me loves the 'perception' of what this man is.....its just a shame he does not live up to the 'perception' ! Im not quite there to accept that he is exactly what I KNOW he is - a serial cheater with major relationship issues and a huge self esteem problem! Hey, I can see it, I can rationalize it, I can say it......I just can't get my heart to jump on board the band wagon just yet!!! It will happen though! :o

 

I never thought about the long term 'us'....that was never an option or consideration and neither of us pretended that it was!

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My problem is that I DID/DO think about the "long term us". I got in WAY too deep.. I never wanted an "affair", I wanted an "end result", "WE".. I have been SO committed to a "committed" woman. She basically, no she DID live 2 lives.. now we are caught, and I have NO CLUE. I am the outsider looking in, except that I can't see anything. Sittin' at the bus stop for a bus that may never come......

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Yes, i do get tired of it all. Wondering if i am wasting years on someone who may not love me enough to want to start a life with only me.

 

But then there are days that i know we will be together in the future and all this heartache will be worth it.

 

It's hard to say how any of our lives will turn out. At this point, i've decided to stick it out. He claims he is leaving and that we will be together. He has never made a promise he hasn't kept. He's taking steps towards ending his M, but he has no D papers in hand.

 

For right now, i'm not going to give up on him or us. If he does prove to me that our R is heading down a dead end street, then i will find the courage to leave, but not just yet.

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Yes, i do get tired of it all. Wondering if i am wasting years on someone who may not love me enough to want to start a life with only me.

 

But then there are days that i know we will be together in the future and all this heartache will be worth it.

 

It's hard to say how any of our lives will turn out. At this point, i've decided to stick it out. He claims he is leaving and that we will be together. He has never made a promise he hasn't kept. He's taking steps towards ending his M, but he has no D papers in hand.

 

For right now, i'm not going to give up on him or us. If he does prove to me that our R is heading down a dead end street, then i will find the courage to leave, but not just yet.

 

How long have you been together?

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How long have you been together?

 

Just a little over 2 years.

 

We fell in love, but in the beginning, rules were made as to what will or won't be done. Not leaving his M was one of them.

 

Since then, we have broken every single rule we laid down, and he is now in the process of securing "our" future. Some may not like to hear that, but it's no different than one spouse "hiding" money or whatnot.

 

We had a long discussion tonight, and he filled me in on all his plans. He's making an exit strategy, and he's trying to ensure that he ends up with half, maybe more since she won't be able to afford all they are buying, by herself.

 

It took a long while to get to this point. A lot of heartache, a lot of worrying, but he's now starting to show me that he does love me enough, enough to start over and lose a lot of what he has worked so hard for.

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Just a little over 2 years.

 

We fell in love, but in the beginning, rules were made as to what will or won't be done. Not leaving his M was one of them.

 

Since then, we have broken every single rule we laid down, and he is now in the process of securing "our" future. Some may not like to hear that, but it's no different than one spouse "hiding" money or whatnot.

 

We had a long discussion tonight, and he filled me in on all his plans. He's making an exit strategy, and he's trying to ensure that he ends up with half, maybe more since she won't be able to afford all they are buying, by herself.

 

It took a long while to get to this point. A lot of heartache, a lot of worrying, but he's now starting to show me that he does love me enough, enough to start over and lose a lot of what he has worked so hard for.

 

Are there children involved? Do you believe his "strategy"? Mine has been packing separate "Christmas ornament boxes" for 2 years..

 

Just curious

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Are there children involved? Do you believe his "strategy"? Mine has been packing separate "Christmas ornament boxes" for 2 years..

 

Just curious

 

Yes, he has 2 children and i have one. Our children know each other, and all of us get along great. He treats my daughter as if she was his own. His children adore me. Granted, none of them know we are together, but it will be an easier transition when the time comes, since everyone is comfortable already.

 

Yes, i do believe his strategy. He has never lied to me, and we are very open with each other. I know it won't happen tomorrow, and i don't expect it to. Leaving someone you care about takes time. It took me 3 1/2 years to leave my exH, and i was miserable. I've been there, so i understand.

 

I don't have faith in many things, but i do have faith in him. Yes, he is a cheater, but i was the only OW ever in his life, and i can guarantee i'll be the last. He does not lie to me, he does not sugar coat anything, regardless if the answer to my question may upset me.

 

He has proven over and over that he will go out of his way to make me happy, and he's completing the final steps. Until he gives me a reason to change my mind, i'm sticking by his side.

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I am so glad to not be in this predicament any longer. My emotions always fascilated and I think what kept me in the situation was the ideal of it all. But it wasn't the reality. Again, so glad I do not have to be ruled by XMM and his schedule anymore!

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Yes, he has 2 children and i have one. Our children know each other, and all of us get along great. He treats my daughter as if she was his own. His children adore me. Granted, none of them know we are together, but it will be an easier transition when the time comes, since everyone is comfortable already.

 

Yes, i do believe his strategy. He has never lied to me, and we are very open with each other. I know it won't happen tomorrow, and i don't expect it to. Leaving someone you care about takes time. It took me 3 1/2 years to leave my exH, and i was miserable. I've been there, so i understand.

 

I don't have faith in many things, but i do have faith in him. Yes, he is a cheater, but i was the only OW ever in his life, and i can guarantee i'll be the last. He does not lie to me, he does not sugar coat anything, regardless if the answer to my question may upset me.

 

He has proven over and over that he will go out of his way to make me happy, and he's completing the final steps. Until he gives me a reason to change my mind, i'm sticking by his side.

 

Thats where I find myself, sorta, She hasnt lied to me, I've always said, "she always finds a way..", BUT, she is a Mother and has children, so I'm afraid of that...

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Thats where I find myself, sorta, She hasnt lied to me, I've always said, "she always finds a way..", BUT, she is a Mother and has children, so I'm afraid of that...

 

Women usually take the children with them, so i don't understand why that worries you. My MM will have to "leave" his children, and not get the luxury of tucking them in every night like he is used to.

 

He finally decided that his children need to be in a home where the parents are happy. He is not happy with his W. All discussions are about the children, nothing else. They live as roommates, and they act like strangers.

 

Why don't you start a thread about your R and we can talk some more there. I would, but i'm not looking for advice. I've been around long enough and I turn to my friends when i need a pick me up. I see you are new and don't have PM's yet, so that way we don't continue to thread jack this thread...................................

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i think it is normal for us all to get sick of our situations from time to time. i have been there more than once. i have thought of how i would feel if it ended, and i know i am not ready for that yet.

 

this is a hard life to lead, that of the OW (not trying to lessen the W's issues). we are not getting what we really deserve from these men, but for some of us, the hope of what might be, is so worth it. that is where i am, i still hope for the future with him that i would really love to have.

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Being the OW sometimes I just get tired of the whole thing. The lies, cheating, sneaking around and I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Then there are times I know I love my MM and want nothing more than to be with him even though there is all these obstacles. I know alot of this thinking just comes with the territory. I guess what I am asking is does anyone just wish he would leave his wife and get it done with already? Or if they should just end this and move on?

 

Well I'm currently contemplating going into it - and this is one of the primary things that's stopping me. Too much work!! :D:D Seriously, the one-and-only A I've ever had (so far) only lasted 4 months, so I never got tired of it. I was madly, blindly in love with him. What a fool I was, not to see what was happening around me. My entire focus was on me and him. That's not a healthy way to live - in ANY relationship. I'm sure I would have become exhausted eventually... but knowing myself, I probably would have lost my patience first!!

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Women usually take the children with them, so i don't understand why that worries you. My MM will have to "leave" his children, and not get the luxury of tucking them in every night like he is used to.

 

He finally decided that his children need to be in a home where the parents are happy. He is not happy with his W. All discussions are about the children, nothing else. They live as roommates, and they act like strangers.

 

Why don't you start a thread about your R and we can talk some more there. I would, but i'm not looking for advice. I've been around long enough and I turn to my friends when i need a pick me up. I see you are new and don't have PM's yet, so that way we don't continue to thread jack this thread...................................

 

i have, but dont know what a PM is yet, sorry?

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i have, but dont know what a PM is yet, sorry?

 

Sorry, Private Message. You have to have so many posts or be here for so long before you can activate it.

 

I will hunt for your story and we can continue there. I'll do what i can to lend an ear.

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Sorry, Private Message. You have to have so many posts or be here for so long before you can activate it.

 

I will hunt for your story and we can continue there. I'll do what i can to lend an ear.

 

 

Thank you.. Just looking for those few clues to set me free....

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GreenEyedLady

You already have what you need to set yourself free...

 

Decide what you want and do not stray from the course...If your partner does not feel as you do, then she needs to feel your loss...If she really loves you and believes you to be a compatible partner, she will do what she needs to do...

 

If you accept the situation the way it is, then accept it and come to terms with it...This is your life, live it the best way you know how...No matter what that means...

 

GEL

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I guess what I am asking is does anyone just wish he would leave his wife and get it done with already? Or if they should just end this and move on?

 

Hmm yes, I've felt that way since about a year into knowing him when it became clear he wasn't doing what he claimed to want to do (leave!). Which is when I came here to LS.

 

Everything since has been one way or another of looking at it, accepting it, trying to change it, walking away, coming back because I 'understood' and just living for the moment because what we had was good.

 

I lived with the 'why don't you just leave?' 'should I end this?' question for most of the affair. I think the thing is, that's just not enough for most OP to get out of it... because there always seem to be 'options'... (as above!)... and of course its not JUST bad times, but lots of good times and happiness too, which it seems crazy to leave behind.

 

In the end it takes more than just dissatisfaction with the situation... it takes a desire for more at whatever the cost (losing him, whatever), and the determination to do it. The strength/courage or whatever it takes to do it comes from somewhere once you reach that point. I know, because it happened to me.

 

Remember... its your life! Go and live it! Leave those who prefer to be stuck to being stuck :D

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Well I'm currently contemplating going into it - and this is one of the primary things that's stopping me. Too much work!! :D:D Seriously, the one-and-only A I've ever had (so far) only lasted 4 months, so I never got tired of it. I was madly, blindly in love with him. What a fool I was, not to see what was happening around me. My entire focus was on me and him. That's not a healthy way to live - in ANY relationship. I'm sure I would have become exhausted eventually... but knowing myself, I probably would have lost my patience first!!

I gotta tell ya, girlfriend, it is a lot of work! And I only see mine three or four times a month. My life is so busy as it is and every spare moment I have goes into this thing. It would be worth it if I could have him all to myself, but I know that's not going to happen. I'll miss him but I will look forward to having a kick back day here and there.

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I gotta tell ya, girlfriend, it is a lot of work! And I only see mine three or four times a month. My life is so busy as it is and every spare moment I have goes into this thing. It would be worth it if I could have him all to myself, but I know that's not going to happen. I'll miss him but I will look forward to having a kick back day here and there.

 

I hear ya!! The older I get, the more precious my "down" time is to me. I can't imagine being pulled in so many different directions as you are. I hope you're taking your vitamins!!:D:D

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I got to the point that I knew I wanted out more than I wanted to stay in - it just started to not make sense what I was in it for and every part of my brain screamed 'get out' but its the heart that is soooo unco-operative. I'm still doing battle with that and probably will for a long time.

 

This is one of the hardest - and weirdest - lessons I have ever learned (and am still trying to learn it). I can love a man and still walk away from him knowing I'm doing the right thing for myself and for him. It's almost like having a split personality... but I'm sure it's not that extreme (hopefully!!) because I function normally in every other part of my life - including getting involved in other relationships with SG's. It's like the one I love is always a hum in the background, like white noise in my brain. I've given up trying to kill the feelings. I can't control my heart (damn thing!!) but I can at least control my behavior.

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TheDevilsBabe

Quote from OpenBook:

"This is one of the hardest - and weirdest - lessons I have ever learned (and am still trying to learn it). I can love a man and still walk away from him knowing I'm doing the right thing for myself and for him. It's almost like having a split personality... but I'm sure it's not that extreme (hopefully!!) because I function normally in every other part of my life - including getting involved in other relationships with SG's. It's like the one I love is always a hum in the background, like white noise in my brain. I've given up trying to kill the feelings. I can't control my heart (damn thing!!) but I can at least control my behavior."

 

Amen!! Having this ability, perspective and control is EXACTLY what, I pride myself in having the talent to maintain!! And yes, it is a talent, because it doesnt not come easy and takes alot of work to be able to accomplish and "fine tune." After all, (without sounding judgmental cause that’s NOT what I'm doing) being able to look at it from this POV is what stops us from becoming more attached than we should be, having unrealistic hopes of it developing into a relationship that it never will be, etc….and in fact, saves our souls from becoming miserable and involved in an unhealthy relationship.

It’s being able to separate, and yet acknowledge and enjoyyyyy at the same time…feelings stemming from a relationship such as the one we are/were involved in and yet in turn, as a direct result of this lead normal, productive, healthy lives and benefit from relationships outside of our affair which we are involved in or in search of.

Your reference to the "white noise, steady hum" made me smile. Thank You. :) Id like to share why. *Going out on a limb here, but, awwww...so what...it made me smile!* Its in fact, a private thing between my MM and I. When we see each other out in public somewhere and are doing the " nice to see you, how you doing thing" and don’t have the opportunity to speak privately, *because neither one of us will risk a risque comment* one of us will reference "mosquito fights" ( description of the sound, white noise tv makes when station is off air) somehow into the course of the conversation and having it fit is funny enough…its actually hilarious how it can, to us at least, but it lets the other know….I HAVE TO SEE YOU!!! WORK OUT THE DETAILS AND LET ME KNOW!! Amazing how, when in a relationship like ours, we learn how to communicate under the table.

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I hear ya!! The older I get, the more precious my "down" time is to me. I can't imagine being pulled in so many different directions as you are. I hope you're taking your vitamins!!:D:D

As a matter of fact I have just taken some samples from a friend and I'm going to buy them. Heck, I may even become a rep! You're too cute:)

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