TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Why is it that it's now almost 8 years that we are together & living together for 6 years, he hasn't filed for divorce & neither has his wife? It's frustrating sometimes. The other day she called his cell phone to ask how their son's house was coming along. I had a problem with her calling for that. Their son is 22 years old. Mom could've called her son for that. Anyway, we got into a little tiff over it & I asked him when he was filing for divorce. He said "Here you go again" I replied "I want an answer". He said "Next Tuesday". I haven't had too much to say to him since. He doesn't give me a straight answer. Ever. Any comments??? Thanks, TF Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Why is it that it's now almost 8 years that we are together & living together for 6 years, he hasn't filed for divorce & neither has his wife? It's frustrating sometimes. The other day she called his cell phone to ask how their son's house was coming along. I had a problem with her calling for that. Their son is 22 years old. Mom could've called her son for that. Anyway, we got into a little tiff over it & I asked him when he was filing for divorce. He said "Here you go again" I replied "I want an answer". He said "Next Tuesday". I haven't had too much to say to him since. He doesn't give me a straight answer. Ever. Any comments??? I don't really know you're whole situation, so I have no clue why. I'm assuming they are legally seperated? How long have they been seperated? Its probably not for money reasons is it? Does he keep her up? Is the son the only child they have? Or is there more that is underage that is still helps support? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I guess the ? is really, what will him being divorced mean to you? Will it change anything about your R? Will it change anything at all? And really it's been so long, why doesn't he want to D? His life really is with you...What is his reasoning on not filing the paperwork to really finalize it? They're obviously married only on paper... It seems that him being D will show you that you truly are number 1...I really don't think that's too much for you to ask...and that he's reticent to do it at this point seems really hurtful to you...It seems like a little thing to do, to show he cares so much for you... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 His behaviour and reaction seems that he does not want to ever get married again, and getting the divorce makes it final. He probably is lazy as well, to get the D, and it also seems him and his wife are fine with how things are. She obviously knows about you two being together...Honesty? I think him not divorcing means he doesn't have to make that 'final' committment to you. He's happy enough as things are. The thing is, IS that good enough for you? To be common-law married and not have a wedding, the ring on your finger, the actual wedding and celebration? These are things you have to think about if it's important to you. As for her calling, well, maybe she tried getting hold of their son and couldn't..I don't see what the problem is with her doing that, she's always going to be around in some way as they share kid(s). Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I agree with GEL, It must be hurtful. You get to that day when they leave and then you think that your future is starting now - but your MM/Partner is still hanging on to the past. I could understand if it was a short time afterwards, but I wouldnt be willing for him to knowingly keep the divorce thing hanging over my head for years. Do you think its something he uses to keep you on your toes? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 The other day she called his cell phone to ask how their son's house was coming along. I had a problem with her calling for that. Their son is 22 years old. Mom could've called her son for that. I need to ask. Are you scared/worried that her calling or them having a 'friendship' as co-parents will lead to them getting back together at some point? Just don't understand why it bothers you that she called to talk about their son.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 First, his kids are 14, 22 & 29. (Yes he's 7 years older than me.) We've been together for 8 years & living together for 6 years. She's had boyfriends during this time but nothing steady. I do not want to marry him. I am divorced & won't do it again. By him divorcing , it will put a formal end to a past relationship. They divided the marital assests this past summer & he pays voluntary child support for his daughter. So the $$ part of it isn't the issue. I don't even know what his divorce would contribute to our relationship. I just don't want him to have a (so-called) wife & me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I get your frustration and sooner or later you're going to have to decide if you can put up this situation. If she isn't part of his daily life, money wise, emotionally wise and you have no desire to marry him, then also, I can understand his frustration too. It's a combo of two things, one: things are fine as they are, so why mess it up (as in divorce) and two: his laziness. Too much effort to bother to do the paperwork and make the D final. Their relationship IS over, so this makes me think you're feeling insecure because she's still part of his life at times...The thing is, the D will not change that one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 She only calls once in a great blue moon. When she does call it's cause she broke down on the highway on the way to the shore, or when their daughter won't clean her bedroom.... I think maybe it's my beliefs. I am divorced. I only speak to my ex if something is serious re our son. I hate my ex & maybe I'm hoping he'd hate his. I don't know. Maybe I have the problem. I don't even know what his divorcing would accomplish besides formally ending an old relationship???????? Oh and WWIU, no I'm not scared that he'll go back to her. That has never been an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 She only calls once in a great blue moon. When she does call it's cause she broke down on the highway on the way to the shore, or when their daughter won't clean her bedroom.... I think maybe it's my beliefs. I am divorced. I only speak to my ex if something is serious re our son. I hate my ex & maybe I'm hoping he'd hate his. I don't know. Maybe I have the problem. I don't even know what his divorcing would accomplish besides formally ending an old relationship???????? Oh and WWIU, no I'm not scared that he'll go back to her. That has never been an issue. I see where you're coming from. I have never been married or divorced, but I think my pride would make my ExH the last person I call for help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I get your frustration and sooner or later you're going to have to decide if you can put up this situation. If she isn't part of his daily life, money wise, emotionally wise and you have no desire to marry him, then also, I can understand his frustration too. It's a combo of two things, one: things are fine as they are, so why mess it up (as in divorce) and two: his laziness. Too much effort to bother to do the paperwork and make the D final. Their relationship IS over, so this makes me think you're feeling insecure because she's still part of his life at times...The thing is, the D will not change that one bit. I do admit that I feel insecure at times. And I don't know why. The word "WIFE" bugs me. If they get divorced, she will be his exWife. He calls her his exwife but I still reference her as his wife. I don't even know if I'm making sense here. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 What does he say when you have point blank asked him WHY they have not proceeded with making the divorce final? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 What does he say when you have point blank asked him WHY they have not proceeded with making the divorce final? His reply is "HERE YOU GO AGAIN". And I just walk away to avoid an argument. 2 years ago he couldn't do it cause his son (27 years old then) was diagnosed with leukemia. Last year his father in law passed away. What it comes down to in my opinion is that he doesn't want to cause his wife any more grief. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 His reply is "HERE YOU GO AGAIN". And I just walk away to avoid an argument. 2 years ago he couldn't do it cause his son (27 years old then) was diagnosed with leukemia. Last year his father in law passed away. What it comes down to in my opinion is that he doesn't want to cause his wife any more grief. OK, so he has never given you a real answer other than "Here we go again." The word DIVORCE is final to him I guess, which really doesn't make much sense if the relationship has been final for sometime. Surely he doesn't think they will ever reconcile again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 OK, so he has never given you a real answer other than "Here we go again." The word DIVORCE is final to him I guess, which really doesn't make much sense if the relationship has been final for sometime. Surely he doesn't think they will ever reconcile again? Good question. Maybe I can ask him that question instead of asking when he is going to file for divorce. One time he did give me a sort-of answer. He said they were married in the islands & it's hard to get a copy of the marriage certificate but that he'd work on it. Never happened though. That was a few years back & I never went on about it back then. Enigmas, I am going to ask him point blank "DO YOU THINK YOU & *** WILL RECONCILE & GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?" His reply will likely be "HERE YOU GO AGAIN". TF Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I can try this: He wants to take me to Costa Rica for vacation, I'll tell him I'd rather him get divorced & that it'll be cheaper than going away. Perfect!!!! Signed divorce papers would be an awesome Christmas gift!! For me atleast. TF Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Just curious. He has a 14 year old. He must have visitation. Does she come to your place and everyone knows you are living together? Does his wife speak with you about the daughter as if you were a couple together for 6 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Just curious. He has a 14 year old. He must have visitation. Does she come to your place and everyone knows you are living together? Does his wife speak with you about the daughter as if you were a couple together for 6 years? His 3 kids come to visit & we all (me, him & the kids) go out to dinner, are at b-day parties, bbq's together etc... He doesn't have so-called visitation with his daughter. I don't talk to the wife at all. I've met his whole family & attend family funtions. The wife doesn't go anymore. She told his sisters that she isn't a part of the family any more. (Poor thing). Everyone knows we've been together for 8 years (in Aug. '08) & living together for 6 years i(in Jan. of '08). Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Just curious. He has a 14 year old. He must have visitation. Does she come to your place and everyone knows you are living together? Does his wife speak with you about the daughter as if you were a couple together for 6 years? I posted something before this reply GG, sorry. But here's the rest. And there's really no need for the wife to speak to me about the daughter. If she was living here, that would be another story. My ex h's girlfriend doesn't call me about my son or vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Plain and simple he doesn't want to let HIS wife go Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I tend to think he is negligent or too lazy to start the procedure. She is probably his best friend and since they have children together he just don't want to cause her any more grief, because of her and the children. I know the $$ might not be an issue but here in Canada, if the spouse dies, the other legal spouse is entitled to the pension then she would also be entitled to any life insurance he has, if it's not in your name. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I tend to think he is negligent or too lazy to start the procedure. She is probably his best friend and since they have children together he just don't want to cause her any more grief, because of her and the children. I know the $$ might not be an issue but here in Canada, if the spouse dies, the other legal spouse is entitled to the pension then she would also be entitled to any life insurance he has, if it's not in your name. The only money issue I've made out of this situation is if we decide to buy a house together or something of that nature. Otherwise, it's not a money issue with me. He just needs to get a divorce. I won't allow him to have a wife & me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Um... I understand how you feel.. so you need to put your foot on the ground but I also feel that you have put up with this for soooo long that's why he gets annoyed when you want to discuss this. If you are to give him an ultimatum, you also have to follow through with the consequence. It's not easy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TogetherForever Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 Um... I understand how you feel.. so you need to put your foot on the ground but I also feel that you have put up with this for soooo long that's why he gets annoyed when you want to discuss this. If you are to give him an ultimatum, you also have to follow through with the consequence. It's not easy... I know & I think it's too long gone now to give an ultimatum. Eight years is a long time. And like my screen name tells, I want to be together forever with him. So we'll see............ Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I won't allow him to have a wife & me!! But you have and you'd done it for how many years again....whatever reason(s) why their still married, he has his reasons and obviously doesn't want to share that with you. I can't understand why your bring this up now and after 8 years? Doesn't really make any sense other then you just want her out of the picture completely. Have you always felt like this the whole 8 years? Link to post Share on other sites
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