BurriedAlive Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 So it has now been over 7 months since d-day and 6 months since NC. I have had my fair share of ups and downs since then. But in any event, I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am putting 100% effort into getting on with my life. I have moved away and have been at my new job for 4 months now. I have seen different guys on and off but I can't seem to find anyone that I like. I have yet to have sex with anyone since MM....Not because I didn't have the opportunity but because I have chosen to screw my head back on straight before I got involved with anyone else. So anyway, from what I hear MM & W are still together although the word is that it's very rocky. But either way, there is nothing in his life that has changed. He has not paid for the mess that he has made of my life. I bet W has paid her dues and I am sure he has spent the last 7 months lying to her and tricking her into thinking that he isn't a lying, cheating scumbag. If she actually knew what a bad person he was, she wouldn't still be there, right???? I mean, if she really knew what went on between us and that he has cheated before me and that he has even gone as far as using his company visa to pay for hookers, what sane person would want someone like that?????? I don't think she is insane, she just must not have all the info. I mean, why else would she still be sending me chain letters and jokes over email? Maybe she needs to realize the joke is on her for being married to such a looser, finding out what a looser he is and choosing to continue with the joke. Anyway, I don't love him anymore, I mean how can I possibly love someone who has caused as much destruction to me as he has? I am strong since I know if I ever came face to face with him again, I would not even give him 1 second more of my life than he has already stolen. I just wish I could let go of the anger. When will it go away? I still have this incredible urge to find him and yell and scream at him. Or maybe punching him or something would make me feel better. I just want to see him suffer! Does anyone else feel this way????? Or maybe I am loosing my mind after all this time.... Help! Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Buried. I am not familiar with your history....how did your xmm react on D-DAY? How did he treat you? I think the way the affair partner treats us in the end says a lot about them as well as when the affair is going on. Many times thier "true" colors come out when they are cornered or found out. What did he do to make you feel so angry? Remember..it takes TWO to have an affair..but not to end it. It sounds like he is the one who ended your affair. Am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't think that you're losing your mind at all... What I gleam from your post is a desire to understand...why she hasn't left him, why you can't move on, why you could love someone who hurt you so badly... I think that there are some things that we encounter in life, that we will never understand...We can make a conscious choice however, to accept that it happened and to move forward... He hurt you horribly...but perhaps you need to forgive him for hurting you and forgive yourself at the same time...Forgive for yourself, so that you can move on...The anger is what is keeping you from fully being able to recover... Just my thoughts... Good for you for starting to move forward...Congrats on your new job... (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BurriedAlive Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Buried. I am not familiar with your history....how did your xmm react on D-DAY? How did he treat you? I think the way the affair partner treats us in the end says a lot about them as well as when the affair is going on. Many times thier "true" colors come out when they are cornered or found out. What did he do to make you feel so angry? Remember..it takes TWO to have an affair..but not to end it. It sounds like he is the one who ended your affair. Am I right? Oh, just like pretty much every other OW on here, he threw me under the bus. His niece anonymously sent W an email about us having an affair. He confessed to her that night that we had sex twice, we knew it was wrong so it stopped - or that was the official story. The next 4 weeks were hell. I was stalked by W, I received anonymous, threatening emails from the niece and then I lost my job because he was an owner of the company we worked for. For the first 2 days, he was very understanding and caring and appologized over and over again for telling her. Then everyday after that got worse and worse until he stopped talking to me and acknowledging my existance. I did end up talking to W because I couldn't handle to stalking anymore. I told her the truth that it had been a year long affair. But you are right, I was 100% wrong having an affair with him but I was only 50% responsible. Unfortunately, I took 100% of the fall. I guess that is why I hate him so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BurriedAlive Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't think that you're losing your mind at all... What I gleam from your post is a desire to understand...why she hasn't left him, why you can't move on, why you could love someone who hurt you so badly... I think that there are some things that we encounter in life, that we will never understand...We can make a conscious choice however, to accept that it happened and to move forward... He hurt you horribly...but perhaps you need to forgive him for hurting you and forgive yourself at the same time...Forgive for yourself, so that you can move on...The anger is what is keeping you from fully being able to recover... Just my thoughts... Good for you for starting to move forward...Congrats on your new job... (((HUGS))) Thanks GEL. I appreciate the kindness. I guess it takes time to get over this horrible hurt. I know I need to get over the anger - I just need to find out how. I want to be able to stop wishing for bad things to happen to him. I keep waiting for "what goes around, comes around" to find him.... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I know I need to get over the anger - I just need to find out how. I want to be able to stop wishing for bad things to happen to him. I keep waiting for "what goes around, comes around" to find him.... You're on your way...Your success and ability to move forward is what will help you heal... Remember, you are the lucky one...She's the one who's stuck with him; you're moving on... Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Funny you should mention anger. This board has been full of it as of late. And I understand how nobody is understanding it. It doesn't make any freaking sense. There is no logic to it. I am not an OW but am relating to a lot of what you guys are feeling due to a 13 year split up. I was not thrown under the bus, but I did have to bust through a false reality. Maybe that is what the anger is about. The false reality. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Okay I found this..I don't know if it will help......... After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Originally posted by Child of Isis> Okay I found this..I don't know if it will help......... After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. This is great and so true! I was so sad for the longest time. Always on the verge of tears. Well it finally turned into anger and that is what I think I needed to end it. Thanks for sharing this, Child of Isis. Link to post Share on other sites
ahotmess Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 When you find out when the anger ends...please let me know. I haven't spoken to my MM since feb when W found out. She contacted me and ironically we were amicable. I am soooooooooooo very angry. I am stuck. I'm still at the phase of "Maybe he is my soul mate". But I hate him for bringing me to this low rotten phase. I even left my dream job. I hate him. I want to move on, but seriously can't get him out of my mind. It's been soo long now that I am considering seeing a therapist. So I decided to come back here:) Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 But you are right, I was 100% wrong having an affair with him but I was only 50% responsible. Unfortunately, I took 100% of the fall. I guess that is why I hate him so much. no..you didn't take 100% of the fall. His W knows. You don't think she is going to make his life a living hell? And he has to look her in the eye and also is tarnished in his family's eyes. If he got away with it and his W never found out...then I'd say you took 100% of the fall. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 This thread terrifies me to death. I'm on week 6 since dday. I spoke to ExMM twice this am. Hence the NC has to start afresh. I'm back to the start. I'm no further forward. Im terrified I'll still be here in 6 months time. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Suny1 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 GEL... U always seem to say something to make people feel better! Thanks for that! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 When you find out when the anger ends...please let me know. I haven't spoken to my MM since feb when W found out. She contacted me and ironically we were amicable. I am soooooooooooo very angry. I am stuck. I'm still at the phase of "Maybe he is my soul mate". But I hate him for bringing me to this low rotten phase. I even left my dream job. I hate him. I want to move on, but seriously can't get him out of my mind. It's been soo long now that I am considering seeing a therapist. So I decided to come back here:) I am in counceling, too. I couldn't go on like that. You should, too. I was in the sadness mode when I made the appointment, but had moved into the anger mode just in time for the actual visit. This is going to take some time. Good luck. Join our thread, Owchallenge. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't know if I am buying it... here is my analogy...if my 13 year old dog were to ever leave (die) or I would have to adopt him out (never happen)...I would be heart broken. I would cry...for days upon days., upon days, upon days. But I would never EVER feel anger toward him. I hate to admit this, (cough) but in all probabilities, I love my dog more than my X. So something is missing in this anger thing. Originally posted by Child of Isis> Okay I found this..I don't know if it will help......... After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. This is great and so true! I was so sad for the longest time. Always on the verge of tears. Well it finally turned into anger and that is what I think I needed to end it. Thanks for sharing this, Child of Isis. Link to post Share on other sites
Shades of Grey Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 So it has now been over 7 months since d-day and 6 months since NC. I have had my fair share of ups and downs since then. But in any event, I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am putting 100% effort into getting on with my life. I have moved away and have been at my new job for 4 months now. I have seen different guys on and off but I can't seem to find anyone that I like. I have yet to have sex with anyone since MM....Not because I didn't have the opportunity but because I have chosen to screw my head back on straight before I got involved with anyone else. So anyway, from what I hear MM & W are still together although the word is that it's very rocky. But either way, there is nothing in his life that has changed. He has not paid for the mess that he has made of my life. I bet W has paid her dues and I am sure he has spent the last 7 months lying to her and tricking her into thinking that he isn't a lying, cheating scumbag. If she actually knew what a bad person he was, she wouldn't still be there, right???? I mean, if she really knew what went on between us and that he has cheated before me and that he has even gone as far as using his company visa to pay for hookers, what sane person would want someone like that?????? I don't think she is insane, she just must not have all the info. I mean, why else would she still be sending me chain letters and jokes over email? Maybe she needs to realize the joke is on her for being married to such a looser, finding out what a looser he is and choosing to continue with the joke. Anyway, I don't love him anymore, I mean how can I possibly love someone who has caused as much destruction to me as he has? I am strong since I know if I ever came face to face with him again, I would not even give him 1 second more of my life than he has already stolen. I just wish I could let go of the anger. When will it go away? I still have this incredible urge to find him and yell and scream at him. Or maybe punching him or something would make me feel better. I just want to see him suffer! Does anyone else feel this way????? Or maybe I am loosing my mind after all this time.... Help! Hi BA, It sounds as though you and I are at a very similar stage. It's been about 5 and a half months for me since it ended and although NC has not been 100% strict, contact has certainly been very limited. I feel exactly the same as you at times. Anger that I have been through and continue to go through what I have whilst he seemingly gets to continue with his life as normal. I'm not saying that there have not been any repurcussions for him I'm sure there have but the extent of it is incomparable considering as you said the "mess he made of my life." I too absolutely hate him at times and also have the urge to just punch him. I do feel that i'm still waiting for the consequences to catch up with him but it seems they won't. He actually told his W about the extent of our relationship and also admitted to other affairs yet she still chose to accept him back. I'm sure she doesn't 100% know the full story and i'm sure he's putting on a great act right now to convince her of his changed ways and it just eats me up! I realise that this post doesn't really answere your question and I wish I did know the answer but I hope it helps to know that the feelings you are experiencing at this stage are not unusual. xx Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't think you are as mad at him as you are at yourself. Not being snarky, but reading your post, I had to wonder why you even got involved with a man that saw hookers and unethically paid for it with his company VISA? I would be mad at myself that I deluded myself into somehow justifying his actions, forget about the fact that he has a W. I would be mad that I decided to turn a blind eye to the things that he told me were wrong with his character. Is it possible some of the anger you have is at yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 So it has now been over 7 months since d-day and 6 months since NC. I have had my fair share of ups and downs since then. But in any event, I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am putting 100% effort into getting on with my life. I have moved away and have been at my new job for 4 months now. I have seen different guys on and off but I can't seem to find anyone that I like. I have yet to have sex with anyone since MM....Not because I didn't have the opportunity but because I have chosen to screw my head back on straight before I got involved with anyone else. So anyway, from what I hear MM & W are still together although the word is that it's very rocky. But either way, there is nothing in his life that has changed. He has not paid for the mess that he has made of my life. I bet W has paid her dues and I am sure he has spent the last 7 months lying to her and tricking her into thinking that he isn't a lying, cheating scumbag. If she actually knew what a bad person he was, she wouldn't still be there, right???? I mean, if she really knew what went on between us and that he has cheated before me and that he has even gone as far as using his company visa to pay for hookers, what sane person would want someone like that?????? I don't think she is insane, she just must not have all the info. I mean, why else would she still be sending me chain letters and jokes over email? Maybe she needs to realize the joke is on her for being married to such a looser, finding out what a looser he is and choosing to continue with the joke. Anyway, I don't love him anymore, I mean how can I possibly love someone who has caused as much destruction to me as he has? I am strong since I know if I ever came face to face with him again, I would not even give him 1 second more of my life than he has already stolen. I just wish I could let go of the anger. When will it go away? I still have this incredible urge to find him and yell and scream at him. Or maybe punching him or something would make me feel better. I just want to see him suffer! Does anyone else feel this way????? Or maybe I am loosing my mind after all this time.... Help! When does the hate go away? It goes away when you become 100%indiffrent. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 When does the hate go away? It goes away when you become 100%indiffrent. AP:) That statement may sound simple, however there is wisdom and depth within. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 It goes away when you don't need it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Love and hatred are closely related, IMHO. You will let go of the hatred when you simply don't CARE anymore... I, too, was where you are. And it sucks. The best revenge is living well. DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 But either way, there is nothing in his life that has changed. He has not paid for the mess that he has made of my life. I bet W has paid her dues and I am sure he has spent the last 7 months lying to her and tricking her into thinking that he isn't a lying, cheating scumbag. If she actually knew what a bad person he was, she wouldn't still be there, right???? I mean, if she really knew what went on between us and that he has cheated before me and that he has even gone as far as using his company visa to pay for hookers, what sane person would want someone like that?????? I don't think she is insane, she just must not have all the info. I mean, why else would she still be sending me chain letters and jokes over email? Maybe she needs to realize the joke is on her for being married to such a looser, finding out what a looser he is and choosing to continue with the joke. I just wish I could let go of the anger. When will it go away? I still have this incredible urge to find him and yell and scream at him. Or maybe punching him or something would make me feel better. I just want to see him suffer! Does anyone else feel this way????? Or maybe I am loosing my mind after all this time.... Help! Well, why wouldn't you feel angry? After all, he gets to go on with his life like nothing happened. And you feel that's unfair (well, so do I). And you're angry at him, and you're angry with her for believing his BS (even though logically, of course that's maybe not the case...). But you're constantly reminded of this with her sending you jokes, which just pokes the fire of your anger. I can't remember details about what happened, so maybe some of this is off or not relevant. But. Can you block emails from her..? That might be a start. Then are there ways you can not be reminded from time to time that they're together, or whether or not it's 'rocky'? Where are you getting the information from, can you either stop looking at it, or if it's through mutual friends, ask them not to mention it again (if possible). Then at least that would stop you being constantly reminded of her decision to accept his lies at face value. What else can you do..? Well really pick apart what makes you angry here. Find a way to get your power back and/or accept what happened. Reason with yourself that she has decided to live that life, and so has he, and the only choice you get is whether you're going to let their decisions ruin your life. Also... it's ok to be angry if it helps you keep away from him. Better than sitting around longing for his touch, I think..? But then I'm wondering... if you're angry at him, maybe it's stopping you from listening to the part of you that maybe does really miss him... maybe you're focusing on the anger so as not to feel hurt..? I don't know, but it's maybe worth thinking about. Letting go is hard, very very hard. I'm trying to do it myself Link to post Share on other sites
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Love and hatred are closely related, IMHO. You will let go of the hatred when you simply don't CARE anymore... I, too, was where you are. And it sucks. The best revenge is living well. DO IT. I agree thin line between love and hate. When my ex said he hated his ex I should have known he still had feelings for her and that I was the rebound relationship. I do not want to do that to another. I will only move on once I do not care one way or they other about my ex. For the time being I hate him, but one day this will go - unfortunately I cannot answer your question and say when for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BurriedAlive Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 You're on your way...Your success and ability to move forward is what will help you heal... Remember, you are the lucky one...She's the one who's stuck with him; you're moving on... You are right GEL, she is the one who is stuck with him! I would probably rather be angry about having to rebuild my life than angry at him for treating me like crap if we were together... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BurriedAlive Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 Hi BA, It sounds as though you and I are at a very similar stage. It's been about 5 and a half months for me since it ended and although NC has not been 100% strict, contact has certainly been very limited. I feel exactly the same as you at times. Anger that I have been through and continue to go through what I have whilst he seemingly gets to continue with his life as normal. I'm not saying that there have not been any repurcussions for him I'm sure there have but the extent of it is incomparable considering as you said the "mess he made of my life." I too absolutely hate him at times and also have the urge to just punch him. I do feel that i'm still waiting for the consequences to catch up with him but it seems they won't. He actually told his W about the extent of our relationship and also admitted to other affairs yet she still chose to accept him back. I'm sure she doesn't 100% know the full story and i'm sure he's putting on a great act right now to convince her of his changed ways and it just eats me up! I realise that this post doesn't really answere your question and I wish I did know the answer but I hope it helps to know that the feelings you are experiencing at this stage are not unusual. xx Thanks SoG! It is nice to know that I am not alone. I guess the old saying is true - "misery loves company!" Link to post Share on other sites
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