Still Struggling

[imstunned]

Hello. I'm just posting again as I guess i need to offload a bit. I feel like I'm still really really struggling with things. I HATE the weekends - all I can think of is him at home with his family. I cant bear to think about it so I try not to but its just always there in my mind.

 

I MISS the man that I fell in love with so much. I miss hearing from him, I miss speaking to him and I miss seeing him. I miss looking forward to seeing him.

 

I feel really confused. I still cant really get my head around everythig thats happened. I am still reeling from the way he has gone back to try and work things out with his wife, still feeling sick at the reality that he is married at all - its like I am still spinning around from the shock of it all. I still have to count backwards from 10 every night over and over to stop me thnking of him lying in bed making love to his wife. It just about kills me.

 

I cant get my head around whether this guy was a nice guy who made a mistake, who is now back in love with his wife, or if he is a serial cheater. I know I have said this in my posts before - but for me to be able to move on I need to find my OWN answers - they may not be correct, but he isnt giving me any so I have to find my own. To try and settle on an answer to this is important to me and I just cant. He wants nothing to do with me which would suggest that he is a good guy fighting for his marriage. I STILL get upset at the amount of MM I read about that get back into contact with their OW once everything dies down. it uspets me so much that I seem to be among the exceptions to that.

 

The only new thing to say is that I wont be telling the wife. I had my chance - and I blew it. I lied to her. For all the wrong reasons. That was 6 weekends ago. I would bet money on my feeling that she dosent know the truth about me but its too late now to get in touch and tell her the truth. However it bugs the life out of me that he has got away with it. he expects me to vanish into thin air - which I more or less have, despite all those LIES. I am angry with him and I dont even get the opportunity to shout at him about it. I HATE IT.

 

I am fed up dreading every weekend, I am totally DREADING christmas - HAPPY BLOODY FAMILIES! Its going to be a hard day for me. And he will be at home with his wife and kids and no doubt wont give me even a second thought.

 

And if you are thinking of replying but you dont know my story - I was dating my ex totally under the impression that he was as single as they came. I thought we were in an exclusive relationship together. I didnt know he was married untill 8 months in. Nor did I know he had 2 young kids.

[norajane]

I cant get my head around whether this guy was a nice guy who made a mistake, who is now back in love with his wife, or if he is a serial cheater.

 

He's not a nice guy who made a mistake. He's a guy who lied to you in a big way about many, many things for EIGHT months, and would have continued to lie had he not been caught out by his wife.

He wants nothing to do with me which would suggest that he is a good guy fighting for his marriage.

He's not a good guy fighting for his marriage. He's a lying cheating manipulative guy who is continuing to manipulate his wife by lying to her about the extent of his affair.

 

I am angry with him and I dont even get the opportunity to shout at him about it. I HATE IT.

If I recall correctly, you found out he was married before his wife called you and before he stopped contact. Can you find any comfort in that you were at least able to shout at him for lying to you about his being married all that time, if not for lying about everything else? Since you called him on the carpet for lying about his marriage, I'm sure he's can very well guess how angry you are about the rest of his lies, too!!

 

 

Did you see a doctor or therapist this past week? How did that go?

[torranceshipman]

Man....all I can say is - I hope the dirtbag gets truly run over by the karma train...then the karma train stops and reverses over him again before driving off! Lol!

 

Plus he is a loser and you aren't, if thats any consolation (-;

[imstunned]

torranceshipman I hope you are right about Karma - I'm not sure I believe in it at all anymore. He actually has what I want - and I'm on my own.

 

Norajane - Dr diagnosed me as depressed. No huge suprises there. It was a bit of a turning point. I felt DESPERATE at that meeting, and came away with the realisation that there is no quick fix, no answers, I just have to work through it all. I was offfered anti= depresants, BUT after a huge amount of thought I have decided agaisnt taking them. I dont want to sit around for 6 weeks or so "waiting for them to work". Instead I am taking control and am re-joining my gym. Excercise it equally as effective in combatting depression as anti-depressants, and the lift in mood is instant. if it dosent work, or I find myself not getting to the gym then I will re-asses the tablets in a month.

 

I was given the number of a place to call with regard to therapy. I havent called them yet. I'm pretty weary of the whole idea of it at the moment - and I am not sure if I will go ahead with it or not. I'm aware it may bring up alot of things about my baby who died - and I dont know if I am strong enough to deal with that just now. So I'm sitting on it at the moment.

 

Thanks for the replies - as ever I'd be lost without this place. x

[marlena]

Stun,

 

You have been through aso much. I really hope you start to feel better soon.

[KnownTruth]

I too am seeing a married man. I did know he was married when we got involved. It was something that happened over the course of several years as friends. Anyways..I know how you feel about the weekends. I hate weekends! I know he is with this wife at home and he can't contact me at all. I try not to let myself think what they are doing or it will eat at me. Although lately they have been not talking and fighting more than ever. I knew this was part of being in this relationship, but it is hard.

[White Flower]

I MISS the man that I fell in love with so much. I miss hearing from him, I miss speaking to him and I miss seeing him. I miss looking forward to seeing him.

I know exactly what you mean. I've been preparing myself to leave MM for a while now. Haven't left yet, but already feel many of the things you are feeling to a lesser degree I am sure.

 

I take it you are from the UK? Do you happen to have dating sites online there? I think you should get involved with one. Many of my single girlfriends go to Plentyoffish.com. They are so addicted to it and they always have dates. I know you feel as though you are in mourning, but I do think you should get out there soon. It would help you get over this guy.

 

I felt depressed, too, and sought IC. (Individual counceling.) The doc said that if I was in a "constantly on the verge of tears" state, then I was not really depressed. If I was staring off into space and catatonic, then I would need drugs in order to function. Well, I'm functioning, just sad doing it. Good for you on the decision to exercise. I think you should also get out there and date.

[imstunned]

oh dear. Im all over the place STILL. I'm angry again. I dont know what to do with the anger. I want to direct it at him but cant.

 

I'm angry as he has changed me as a person. I'm distrusting and think men are all out for one thing. SEX. Its perhaps unfortunate that since seeing exmm I have rejected 2 men - both were looking for sex with me. I have another "friend" who is constantly offering to be a freind with benefits. One of the men I said I didnt want to sleep with is now pursuing me even more, and the other has fallen of the face of the earth. I wish they would all get knotted and leave me alone. I couldnt go anywhere near a man now. I'm terrified of them.

 

I am furious that he has done this to me. This is a gradual change - its not a knee jerk reaction to that jerk! I dont want to be like this. I dot think I'll let a man get close to me in the future - or allow me to get close to him. Now he has had his fill of me and gone back to his wife I'm left changed. Distrusting. Sucpicious. And scarred. I dont see why the hell he should get off with what he has done to me. Horrible piece of sh*t that he is.

 

The urge to mess with him like he messed with me is ever present. It goes then just comes right back. I'm tempted to contact him today as wel and give him a mouthful. Or a text ful.

 

I hope for those of you who do believe in Karma that you are right.

[Shades of Grey]

Hi I'm Stunned,

 

I can certainly relate to many of the feelings which you've described. The sleepness nights, the constant mental images, the anger, the hurt and the feeling that your faith in relationships and therefore your future has been irreparably damaged.

 

You also seem very fixated on the "why". Understandably for you this not really knowing must be terribly hard to deal with. But the thing is I don't think you will ever know or fully understand why this man chose to behave the way he did, why he made the decisions he did, why he abandoned you the way he did and even if you did would it change anything?

 

I think that if you could try and accept that you will probably never know why it would help you to concentrate more on your recovery. You can't change it, it's awful but it happened and no you didn't deserve this, far from it but you can and you will heal. Why it happened is not really important but how you are going to move forward and recover is.

 

Wishing you comfort and thinking of you.

 

SoG x

[frannie]

...all I can think of is him at home with his family. I cant bear to think about it so I try not to but its just always there in my mind.

 

I MISS the man that I fell in love with so much. I miss hearing from him, I miss speaking to him and I miss seeing him. I miss looking forward to seeing him.

 

I feel really confused. I still cant really get my head around everythig thats happened. I am still reeling from the way he has gone back to try and work things out with his wife, still feeling sick at the reality that he is married at all - its like I am still spinning around from the shock of it all.

 

I cant get my head around whether this guy was a nice guy who made a mistake, who is now back in love with his wife, or if he is a serial cheater. I know I have said this in my posts before - but for me to be able to move on I need to find my OWN answers - they may not be correct, but he isnt giving me any so I have to find my own. To try and settle on an answer to this is important to me and I just cant.

 

However it bugs the life out of me that he has got away with it. he expects me to vanish into thin air - which I more or less have, despite all those LIES. I am angry with him and I dont even get the opportunity to shout at him about it. I HATE IT.

 

I am fed up dreading every weekend, I am totally DREADING christmas - HAPPY BLOODY FAMILIES!

 

oh dear. Im all over the place STILL. I'm angry again. I dont know what to do with the anger. I want to direct it at him but cant.

 

I'm angry as he has changed me as a person. I'm distrusting and think men are all out for one thing. SEX. Its perhaps unfortunate that since seeing exmm I have rejected 2 men - both were looking for sex with me. I have another "friend" who is constantly offering to be a freind with benefits. One of the men I said I didnt want to sleep with is now pursuing me even more, and the other has fallen of the face of the earth. I wish they would all get knotted and leave me alone. I couldnt go anywhere near a man now. I'm terrified of them.

 

I am furious that he has done this to me. This is a gradual change - its not a knee jerk reaction to that jerk! I dont want to be like this. I dot think I'll let a man get close to me in the future - or allow me to get close to him.

 

The urge to mess with him like he messed with me is ever present. It goes then just comes right back. I'm tempted to contact him today as wel and give him a mouthful. Or a text ful.

 

 

Hello imstunned, well you have written about several things here, and they give really good insight into where you are and what you're dealing with.

 

Firstly, you have the regret that you're not going to get (with him) that lovely family, Christmassy time that you want for yourself. You are raging at him, believing that he and she have all that, and you are again denied it. You also show that you really want a relationship with someone... so looking on the positive side, there are those needs you can identify, something to work towards...

 

But you aren't ready at the moment. Firstly you're dealing with the inevitable anger of having been lied to, the devastating realisation that someone misrepresented themselves to you, and the crippling fear that anyone, even every man, could do that to you in future. I have to say that these are exactly the emotions I felt after my (similar) experience. Anger, desire for revenge, fear, and mistrust. I was so scared that I'd never trust anyone ever again.

 

The thing is imstunned that yes, other people may lie to you in the future... trusting is hard, but we have to do it in order to have a relationship of any kind. So what is the solution..? The solution is to learn to trust yourself. Firstly, learn to rely on your gut feelings, because they're never wrong. Remember how you suspected, on one level, that he was lying to you..? You can learn not to disregard those feelings in future. You can learn, also, not to over-react to them to protect yourself, which is what you're very naturally doing at this time. You've been very badly hurt and it's only natural that you mistrust everyone, right now, and have a very jaded view of men. It will pass.

 

Another thing you can learn is that you can and will survive what life thows at you. You can learn to trust that you are strong enough to get through even this terrible situation. So the solution here is to learn to believe in your ability to get through. You don't feel it now, but in time you'll be ever so much stronger than you've ever been.

 

Sorry if it sounds Pollyannaish... but trust me in time you'll actually look back and be glad this happened. I'm glad... glad that someone devastated me so much, that I got to such a low point with needing him, that I was forced to change, for my own good. Far from regretting what happened you will be glad that it has changed you as a person. Once you get through the hurt, and the natural reeling and mistrust of others... and your mind and heart are back in balance... you will be in a better place than you were before you met him.

 

But right now, you do need to feel the hurt, regret, missing him... it's really good you're doing that and not holding on (as I usually do), trying to change his mind. I think this is why you're doing so much better than I did at this stage... I was stuck in not believing, in trying to 'make him see'... etc. etc... it took me months to let go... see it for what it was. And then the anger began, and the desire for revenge. You're way ahead of that already because you're already angry at him and that's a good, good thing! You are feeling so many things at once it must be very overwhelming.

 

I can understand why you don't feel the desire to go to therapy, or to take anti-depressants. I was exactly the same too. But my friends encouraged me to go and talk about what had happened... I didn't want to, I felt ashamed to be honest. Ashamed of wanting him back, despite the fact he'd attacked me. I didn't take anti-depressants for six months, after which I 'gave in' and took them for about a year, because I was just crying all the time. They did help, but I don't feel any need to take them long-term even though I was still depressed for a couple of years and still suffer low moods (have done all my life though). Everyone just has to do what they need to do, whatever that is.

 

((( imstunned )))

[bigheartkindsoul]

Hey there

 

If your angry then use that anger, use it too say fck you (to him), I am gonna be the greatest I can be, I will not mope but instead get out and meet new people, I will learn about myself and grow as a person, I will be successful, I will be fit and healthly.

 

So be angry, just make sure you now channel it into helping you become what you want to be and make you heal as quickly as you can.

[marlena]

Stun,

 

Regretfully, I will say one thing and one thing only that I pray will make you so ANGRY that you will never, ever see this monster in a good light again. Stun, this imposter knew about the great loss of your child and yet he had no, absolutely no, scruples to play dead himself.

 

This and this alone should make you loathe the man! No, Stun, he had absolutely no redeeming qualities. None. He was/is a very cold, heartless and sick man.

 

Now, you know that these kind of people exist. Empowered with this knowledge, you will be more cautious in the future. No, he has not damaged you, Stun. He has made you wiser and stronger and more aware.

 

You have been given a valuable albeit painful lesson. Use this knowlege to your benefit. Know that you have climbed up one rung in the ladder of self - awareness and enlightenment!

 

Let it go, Stun!

 

Again, I am very sorry for bringing up such a painful memory.

[PLAYBRAT]

The more I read ImStunned's posts the more I think she is not only angry at HIM but at his W for having what she doesn't with him. This is the part I DON'T understand.

 

You say you miss the man he presented himself as....but that man is DEAD. He was NEVER even REAL.

 

This is a sick sick man...and just THAT shoud be enough to make you angry enough to spit bullets. Personally I would have told his wife EVERYTHING. ONLY because of the extent of his lies and DELIBERATE mainipulation. This man NEVER had any thought for your feelings OR well being. He planned EVERYTHING he was going to do. Right down to his "death". In fact I believe his "death' was going to be when he dumped you....so you wouldn't HATE him for lying to you so much...and of course

he could get away with it without fear of ever being found out. After all

how can you be mad at him when he "died"??

The truth is....that man IS dead..and always was.

 

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction....which you are finding out.

 

I'm Stunned..this isn't YOUR fault. Thank your lucky stars this loser is

gone. His wife gets the "real" him....not you!!!!

[imstunned]

The more I read ImStunned's posts the more I think she is not only angry at HIM but at his W for having what she doesn't with him. This is the part I DON'T understand.

 

You say you miss the man he presented himself as....but that man is DEAD. He was NEVER even REAL.

. This man NEVER had any thought for your feelings OR well being. He planned EVERYTHING he was going to do. Right down to his "death". In fact I believe his "death' was going to be when he dumped you....so you wouldn't HATE him for lying to you so much...and of course

he could get away with it without fear of ever being found out. After all

how can you be mad at him when he "died"??

!

 

I know I am upset for what his wife has with him, but its not the real him I imagine her living with - its the man I FELL IN LOVE with that imagine her being with . Its the hardest thing I have ever had to get my head around. All I have done on discovering he was married is take the man I thought he was and place him with his wife. The man i thought he was wouldnt be doing what he was doing in the first place, so I know it makes no sense, but he did such a good job of pretending to be who he was pretendidng to be.

 

The dead stuff - Marlena (and this is my reply to Playbrat too)- I didnt even twitch when I read what you wrote there. I'm not sure what I think of it, and much less sure what I make of the fact that it eveoked no reaction in me. I think he is messed up. he even hinted to that o the phone = I'm talking majorly messed up. I think he spun the lies that far as I wouldnt bite when he pretended to be his friend the first time round telling me about other girls comming on to him etc. "don you want to know what he gets up to when he goes out" - No was my reply, he can do what he likes. There was ohter chat about girls comming onto him and his climbing buddies, friends trying to fix him up with other girls etc - that happened alot in the beginnng. But I wouldnt play ball. I wouldnt quiz him about it excpet to say "did you do anything with anyone?" and that was IT. I dont think he liked that, and clearly making me insecure wasnt going to be as easy as he thought - so what else could he do? be a DRAMA IDIOT thats what.

 

I honestly do not believe that he cared so little for me like everyone else does that he was going to actually really pretend to die. Not for a second. It was to keep me interested, stop me living, stop me going out and perhaps being interested in others. How could I when the guy I was dating was in trouble up a mountian?? And I have had months of anlaysing this stuff - the climbing crap never added up - I always wondered if he was telling the truth - and its pretty much what I thought then and what I think now.

 

I also think he is an immature T*AT! Thats where the lack of empathy comes from with regard to my child. The idiot has NO IDEA what stuff he is dredging up for me. Lucky him to have two healthy children.

 

I dont think he had much intention of dumping me at all. His wife found out thats all. And even after I found out about HER he was still after that affair with me as much as ever.

 

And I know I have learned ALOT. But I'm honestly not sure its so positive. i dont want to be distrustful of men - and its really not the case that I was a trusting person before it. i had it out with exmm on a few occasions, and actually called it off once. But then he came back weeks later with a cock and bull story about how he couldnt get in touch etc due to running out of funds on phone . . .and off we went again.

 

Frannie - I was just getin to your post - but theres my little one stirring from a nap - must dash x