Said Good-bye and now am scared

[waiting4heaven]

First, let me say I have been up all night crying and my mind is going a million miles a minute so please bare with me in my explanation and questions…There is so much to tell to get advice for so I am going to make it as short and simple as I can.....

 

I have posted here a few times and got great answers so I am back again but this time out of wonder and worry. I told my mm, whom I have been with for the past year in Nov that I could not take his treatment anymore. I have cried all night wondering if I made the right decision and wondered even how I am going to manage to not have him in my life. I last spoke to him around 7pm last night and it is almost 8:00am now. He however has not texted or called me either so I am beside myself with worry, fear and doubt.

 

He is married but left his wife a little after a month into our relationship. No, I was not eh reason, as it was already scheduled before I became a part of the picture. He moved into an apartment that is more like an expensive storage shed because almost every night he is at my house. I have not had to sleep without him the entire time minus a few times he went out of town for family and work reasons. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed without him last night and even though I tried, it only brought hysterical tears and crying that I could not control.

 

He walked into my life with neither of us having expectations of the other. He knew I liked being single and I knew he was fixing to go through a divorce and would need time to heal and deal with his loss, even though they haven’t been together in more than 3 years and I know this due to they are friends of mine! Yes, I know I am a terrible person for what I have done but I never intended this to happen. Day by day he showed me the most caring of ways, sayings and actions. He changed my view on needing anyone and my view of love. After a few months, he asked me to completely put trust in him even though he knew I did not trust anyone. I told him I would work on it and I thought about it but never took the leap of faith and then one evening I did and from that point on our lives changed. I was hateful and accused him of all sort of ridiculous actions during my two weeks of hell but I only did what I knew to do and that was to deal with my fears head on. I did not realize at the time that I was pushing him away and being so mean. After the two weeks were up, I had done my time in hell, and he did too, I was completely in love with him and had no fears of our future. Then for no reason at all he stopped doing all the things that made me change my mind about men in general. He stopped calling just to say hi or I love you, stating that he was now too busy at work. He stopped calling me the pet name that meant the world to me. He quit going out of his way to do nice things for me, he changed the way he talked to me, and how often he talked to me and what was spoken between us. We were so open and honest about everything prior to those two weeks and then he shut himself off and became angry with not just me but everyone. He refused to communicate with me and when I let him know he is hurting me with his hateful words or actions, he gets upset with me and blames me. I know I messed up and hurt him but it was not intentional and I would gladly take it back if I could but I can’t. I know I deserved some sort of punishment for my actions but 10 months of him not giving to me has pushed me over the edge and I am tired of doing without.

 

I have changed my way of thinking and acting on more than a few occasions just to please him and even though he always says he is trying to be the man I fell for, he never seems to come close.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know he loves me. He is here every evening and night with me and NO, it is not a sex thing cause that hasn’t happened in awhile due to my being hurt. He lets me know what he is doing for the most part and holds me ever so tight at night. He tells me he loves me upon leaving and before falling asleep. I have seen him cry when he thought is was going to lose me and watched his world collapse when I wanted nothing to do with him before but none of that makes up for the past 10 months of me being without the man that changed my life. I cry all the time, hold my thoughts to myself just to keep from arguing and hold my pain in so that things go smoothly. However, I can only hold it for so long and then I burst and nothing changes, even when he says he is going to try harder.

 

He has started saying meaner things, fabricating a world that he controls by telling me how I feel, what to feel and what I am thinking. He refuses to take my words for what they are and twists them into a mesh of lies that he creates from those two weeks, or at least that is how it seems to me. He has told me that he does not miss me, want me or think of me until he sees me and even though it killed me to hear those words, I never reacted.

 

I feel like my world has been ripped apart by my own doing and it is hard for me to admit that for the first time in my life I need someone but I do not need the pain that comes with it. Am I being selfish by not accepting him as he is now? Am I wrong to start NC and break it off with him for nothing more than him being hurt? I am so scared to see the sun because I know the pain it is going to bring and the heartache of not hearing from him is going to cause but I am beside myself on what to do. It seems like a catch 22 and I lose either way. I just know I miss the man who walked into my life and made me believe in love and dreams. I miss the man who made a difference and made me the center of his world. I want that feeling and love back but fear I am never going to gain it in our current situation.

 

Advice on what to do, how to do it and how to cope please. I know that dating a mm is wrong but he hasn’t been with his wife in 3 years and I know this because we are friends. She can’t stand him and they only agree for the sake of their daughter. I know she is not the reason and for that, I do not feel guilty for what I have done or felt. I just want to be happy again and worry that I am the cause of my own misery……..

 

Thanks in advance for reading this long message and for assisting in advance…..

[KATANYA]

Day by day he showed me the most caring of ways, sayings and actions. He changed my view on needing anyone and my view of love. After a few months, he asked me to completely put trust in him even though he knew I did not trust anyone. I told him I would work on it and I thought about it but never took the leap of faith and then one evening I did and from that point on our lives changed................

After the two weeks were up, I had done my time in hell, and he did too, I was completely in love with him and had no fears of our future. Then for no reason at all he stopped doing all the things that made me change my mind about men in general............. Don’t get me wrong, I know he loves me...............He has started saying meaner things, fabricating a world that he controls by telling me how I feel, what to feel and what I am thinking. He refuses to take my words for what they are and twists them into a mesh of lies that he creates from those two weeks, or at least that is how it seems to me. He has told me that he does not miss me, want me or think of me until he sees me and even though it killed me to hear those words, I never reacted............Advice on what to do, how to do it and how to cope please. I know that dating a mm is wrong but he hasn’t been with his wife in 3 years and I know this because we are friends. She can’t stand him and they only agree for the sake of their daughter.

 

 

Hi Waiting..I want you to read the exerpts from you post that I copied above. Try to read them as someone who does not know the situation (an outsider). My friend, take away the part of being with a MM. That is only one issue that you are dealing with and, for lack of better words, that is the least of your worries. Your MM is, IMO, an abusive man. That is probably why the W does cannot stand him.

 

He showed you EVERYTHING you wanted to see in order to lure you in and make you fall in love with the 'myth' of what you thought he would be. Once he knew you were hooked, he bacame his 'true' self - playing on all your weaknesses, fears, and insecurities that you shared with him out of trust and 'love'.

 

You can stay in this relationship for as long as you want - some traits are never going to change! He is emotionally abusive and controlling (and I hope the emotional abuse has not been physical as well but, in all honesty, I have had both and it is the emotional abuse that we have a harder time seeing, recognizing and healing from). He is mean to you and manipulative. He has asked for your trust and love and taken your most vulnerable thoughts and fears to use as his tools to control you........sorry if I go on and on but I have been in the same type of relationship and it won't matter how many times you cry, scream, leave, 'talk', etc., these traits will not change because that is how he is and what he knows. It is not pretty nor kind or forgiving but if you choose to accept it and continue to try to 'work' through it I guarantee it will destroy you! Get out now....... What you think is "LOVE" is anything but love. If you had a deteriorated view of relationships and men before this relationship I promise you you will lose ALL FAITH if you stay in this relationship!

 

Take care and please find the strength to get away from this situation......sometimes counselling helps, sometimes it is just our own sense of self-preservation that kicks in. Most of the time, we find it easier to believe our SO that their actions and behaviors will change if only we help them get through their issues........WE CANNOT HELP THEM because they are not prepared to help themselves.

 

By the way....one comment you made was that you know he loves you. This is NOT love.

 

Good Luck.

[xsianx]

Sounds a lot like the guy I was involved with, which is why I'm no longer involved with him. He went from Mr Charming to Mr Nasty Barstard in 9 mths. True colours ALWAYS come shining through eventually!

[OpenBook]

Waiting, I feel your pain. I also think that somewhere within all that negative energy that you are currently enveloped in, that there is a tiny bit of relief that his "true colors" have come to light.

 

I have no idea if this is his permanent state of being. Divorced men are often very bitter, angry individuals. And unfortunately the first person to come dancing along must bear the brunt of their wrath. Men do not handle divorce well AT ALL. It is way harder on them than it is for women - it cuts into the very core of their essence. Whereas women are more adaptable, and find it easier to build/maintain resources of emotional support through all the angst.

 

He idealized you in the beginning, and fell in love with his idealized version of who you really were. Because of your own past issues, you showed him a dark underbelly that he wasn't prepared to deal with. So what?? It happens. You have just as much of a right to have issues as he does!!

 

Bottom line -- you're both human (gasp!!), and you have both recently been thru some rough times emotionally. I don't think either one of you is ready to get into a serious relationship right now. It may be wise for both of you to take a giant step back, and let the dust settle. This means NC (No Contact) with each other. It's just too explosive right now. You need to figure some things out on your own, and so does he.

 

That's my take on it, based on just your one post. Feel free to ignore it, as I could be totally wrong!

[waiting4heaven]

Ok well now that I heard what I already knew in the back of my mind, I am so heart broken and don't know how I am supposed to move on. I have built my life around the ********* for a year and did nothing but wait for him to come back, but I honestly think I knew he never would.

 

I still have not called or texted and neither has he so even though I have thrown up, cried my eyes out and got angry with myself for being so niave and stupid, I am happy that thus far everything is going smoothly. I have control over answering my phone and texts but if he shows up at my home I am terrified that I am going to give in and I don't know if I am strong enough to face-to-face tell him to hit the road. He always says something to make me believe him and I want so bad to believe him that I fall for the lies and BS every time. Any suggestions???

 

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate it more than you know and without a doubt have the "backing" to know I am not crazy or selfish as he claims. And no, he has never physically done any harm to me but he does enjoy breaking items in his own apartment and his mobile phone when he gets mad but that is his money and if he wants to waste it I have never offered to pay for or cared that he destroyed his things in a fit of childish rage. Guess I am a little smarter than even I give myself credit for.

 

And I think I have known for many months that he didn't really love me, I have even told him this to his face. It was like a bad dream that just kept repeating and I didn't have the courage or wisdom to wake up. I really needed to hear from someone else that I was not selfish or asking too much of him before I found the comfort in leaving that I have been needing though I do not know how I am supposed to start and end each day!!!! Unlike him, I do love him, or at least the old version of him and I did not want him to hurt or me be selfish....

 

Any advice on if he comes to my house? He has a key and can get in at any time but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of calling or texting and asking for it right now. I don't want him to know I need anything from him.....he knows I have built my entire world around him and making us work. I have said I was leaving for his actions and words about 20 times before and always return due to his tears, promises and way of making me feel speical for the moment. Guess this time I have to do what is really needed for my sanity and my emotional needs.....Why do I feel so selfish then?

 

Thanks again.....I am so scared....

[lovernotafighter]

change your locks so you don't have to ask him for it and do NC as best you can.

 

mm don't respond to words in my opinion they respond to no contact

[Bobby NoBrains]

What are you scared of ? Him coming back and you taking him back? Or him coming back and doing you some kind of harm ? The second one has a simple solution, you call the cops. If it is about you taking him back, then there's only so much anyone can do. It will have to be you that stays strong and finally gets this controlling, emotionally abusive person out of your life. It appears that he was nice just until the time you surrendered to him and after that his true colors surfaced. You can very well do without such a person in your life, and if you realize that, you are that much closer to being strong about not letting him back in your life. Just continue to be strong and avoid his efforts to contact you. Good luck.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Mino]

Hi Wait4 heaven. You remind me of myself in some ways. Been with my mm for 3 years. He was also very different the first year. I agree, it was a way to hook us emtionally. I have also tried NC many times. but as you I made him my life. We work together. So NC last a week, during that time I fall apart. Its that huge hole we have in our heart, the feeling of not being able to breath. The wanting to just die, then to endure any more pain. I know. They know, that is how they come back in and once again have the upper hand. In the meantime we sit and wait, hoping that one day, they will change. We will continue to endure, until we finally have enough. It always amazes me, I know I should be done by now. But it keeps going..... I hope I am done soon. (( HUGS))

[forbidden fruit]

You took the words out of my mouth!!!

[lonelybird]

He always says something to make me believe him and I want so bad to believe him that I fall for the lies and BS every time. Any suggestions???

you are losing yourself in the relationship, like many other women. One day, you will say 'enough is enough', and see the love between you and him with a whole new perspective. I've never been a OW, but I've been in a emotional abusive relationship. being an OW is much like emotion abuse. shortly after I got out that relationship I began to slowly see things clearly, strength and hope came back slowly. I began to see he is a totally messed-up man, a hurt and twisted man, aslo I saw myself too hunger for love that I fall into a pit, I let his weakness influenced my core being in such a way that I felt shame, I wished he could fill that big hole in my heart, but he couldn't. I believed he can, and this tortured me. NO MAN can. I forgave him and myself.

 

Your fear come out for some reason. in your bottom of heart you know that no man can TOTALLY fill that hole in your heart, even the most perfect man they fail sometimes. If the hole in your heart filled 90%, then the man can fill rest of it; and even when he fails, you won't be like a wrecked ship like now.

 

The more you know yourself and others, the more strengh and courage will come into you. The more broader understanding you gain, the more easily you will let it go. And all these come from inside of you, come from your heart. When God wisper to you, teach you wisdom, did you hear? when you feel nobody cares about you, in fact God knows everything about you, he knows the solution. He will give us strength and wisdom to go through tough situations. Did you ask God?

 

I am quite happy now, I know what a quality man act like, I can pick one of them, I know how to avoid abusive kind, and I am not like a hunger little girl anymore and God strengthen me, and you will be too. NO man can fill the big hole only God can. When you find that strength source, you won't be riding roaler coaster like now.

 

One day at a time, you can find that strength in you. to Put all your hope in a man just so unrealistic, and too burdensome to men. Love is to build up, not wreck you down. when you find you are in a mesiable situation, isn't it a time that you pull distance between you and him and all that? you will come out of it stronger.

 

Once again. One man cannot fill ALL your love needs. you have to have most of it in the first place.