Married and falling for an OM that may ne married

[mydreams]

Sorry this might be quite long, but I will try to keep it short. I have been reading some of the posts on here for some time and decided to post here.

I am married and we have a little one, for quite some time now my M has been in trouble, no communication, nearly no sex life, but many factor such as finance, my child and no close support system make me stay with H at least for now. I met someone at work last year, and it is my understanding that he is married with children, although someone we both know told me he was going through a nasty D last year. I don't work closely with him but in some instances we do work together. Every time we get to work together we always seems to be flirting with eachother, but as soon as someone comes in he stops. He is always interested in what is going on in my life and seems to really care about me. He is always telling my that I do a good job and that I will succeed in following my career dreams. My H could care less about my career dreams as long as there's a good dollar sign and is not encouraging me at all on this side.

 

The other day we had to work together and It had been a while since we saw each other. He was very carring of me and my situation. Not only did I get the long glazes and smiles but he was also giving me he schedule and telling me to come by to talk. He also used several times the term we and told me he was there for me. He stayed with me until he felt I was OK enough, although he had other obligations that evening. I stopped by the day after and I saw him, we talked for a few minutes and again he used the term we, he mentionned that it was nice to see me smile again. And told me to stay calm in light of my personal situation, to which I told I always felt better when I saw him. He had me repeat this, but I wdidn't want to say it too loud since the windows of the office were open and the others could hae heard it. He then gave me a smile, one of those from ear to ear, that made me melt like never before. I'm completely falling in love with him, but really don't know what he is feeling towards me. I know that the situation is and will never be easy, except if we were both free, if this was the case I would not have such a dilemna. I will admit to having married for all the wrong reasons at the time I thought were right. I wanted to have children and did not want them to be raised like I was. I was looking for someone that would be a good father and my Husband is great with my son, but is in no way a husband to me. I am really counting on advice as to what to think, is he just being friendly or does he have the same feelings I do. If I knew what his feelings are it could make my decision towards my M easier one way or the other. Thank you for reading me.

[OpenBook]

I am really counting on advice as to what to think, is he just being friendly or does he have the same feelings I do.

 

I think he is interested... but men do not think the way we women do. They are totally different animals. I would bet that he is NOT looking at you as the "love of his life" or thinking long-term or anything like that. Men just don't think about these things, especially in a (so far) casual work relationship. They are thinking mainly about sex. Therefore I do NOT think it is safe for you to assume he has the same feelings you do.

 

If I knew what his feelings are it could make my decision towards my M easier one way or the other.

 

IMO, this is unfair to your H and M, and not a good way to approach your dilemma. Your potential OM has NOTHING to do with your M, and vice versa. Whatever you decide to do with your M, it should be based on the M to your H, and not influenced by outside forces.

 

So here's my advice -- whatever you do, don't sleep with the OM. It would really screw you up, personally and professionally. I see nothing wrong with a nice friendship with him, with some of the inevitable underlying sexual tension to keep the spring in your (and his) step, since you're not getting that at home. Keep it that way, nebulous and fun and you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

Since you seem to be "on the fence" about your M, you never know -- you could fall madly in love with your H again. Or he could have an A himself, in which case you would be fully justified in kicking him out of the house and cleaning his clock in a D... in the same way that he would be fully justified in cleaning yours, should you have an A yourself.

[KATANYA]

I am married and we have a little one, for quite some time now my M has been in trouble, no communication, nearly no sex life, but many factor such as finance, my child and no close support system make me stay with H at least for now.

 

Where is your H in all this? Is he unhappy as well? Have he two of you talked? Its not uncommon after a child is born for relationships to change, finances to become issues, sex life to wane.......is this marriage salvageable or is it, as you said, a marriage for all the wrong reasons and you both want out!?

 

He is always interested in what is going on in my life and seems to really care about me....He was very carring of me and my situation.

 

Of course he is interested in your life....you and he have formed a connection and, like most new relationships we want to share what is going on in each other's lives and offer our shoulder (so to speak)......Just be careful that you are not spilling your heart to someone who is going to use your weakness right now as their own "in" to get you into bed! (Don't want to sound harsh here but I've been there where the conversations start with "I can tell you are not happy...lead to "I would never hurt you like that....and end with you and he being much more intimate than you intended because he "understands" you!) If you do decide to pursue your 'heart' and start a relationship with this man at work, at least find out more about him first (namely if he too is still married, how does he act around the other women at work etc. etc.).

 

 

I'm completely falling in love with him

 

Wow! slow down here! You don't even know this guy!!!! Is he even worthy of your love???? I think you need to step back and make sure you understand what you are feeling....don't confuse "love" with "gratitiude" and "lust" because this man is seeing in you all of the things your husband doesn't. He makes you feel beautiful, appreciated, talented, and worthy......all the things that somewhere along the way your husband has missed! Just be careful about the "L" word, you really don't know this man at all and he may not be worthy and deserving of your love either!!!!

 

I am really counting on advice as to what to think, is he just being friendly or does he have the same feelings I do. If I knew what his feelings are it could make my decision towards my M easier one way or the other. Thank you for reading me.

 

 

I doubt he has the same feelings as you right now. You are thinking long term ...."If I knew he liked me as I like him I could leave my M much easier." He is probably thinking, "She's very unhappy in her M and I think she is very attractive...blah, blah, blah" You really need to separate the two situations going on in your life right now....1) You are in an unhappy marriage and you have to figure out if it is worth saving and if you want to stay with your H and 2) You need to decide if, in the middle of your M crisis you are willing to start an A with another man who may or may not be M himself! I can only tell you that compounding your first situation with the potential of the second situation will make your decisions regarding your marriage much harder not easier........just read some of the posts here! Please don't use this man's attentions and affections as a deciding factor for the value of your marriage...you need to separate the issues!

 

Deal with your M and your H....that is where you need to start! Mr. Office Guy will not go anywhere (I'm pretty sure of this!) and you may see him in a whole different light once you've made some decisions on your own and with your H about your M.

 

If you do decide to pursue this office relationship, be very careful and keep your eyes open.....it sounds like you have enough to wade through at home without making your situation even more confusing! Good Luck!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Dreams, you are taking all of your anger, frustration, hurt, boredom and any other negative feelings you are having in your marriage, and you are mapping all of the opposite feelings onto this married man you don't even know, in the hopes that he will be your 'anti-husband' and will save you from yourself and your bleak marriage. The problem with that, is that you are falling in love not with this married guy, but your hopes and wishful thinking of what you think he could be for you. You are falling in love with what you wish your husband would be for you.

 

It is unfortunate that you would be willing to trade in your family, and help destroy another person's family for someone that doesn't even exist except in your heart and mind.

 

Let's say that the MM thing doesn't work out. Would you stay with your husband? Why or why not? What happens if you divorce to be with MM and he tells you that he will never divorce - which happens a LOT. I know of more than a few people on another board that it happened to. Awful stories.

 

I wish you would put some of that focus on your marriage, and either finding what you are missing within the marriage, or letting the marriage go. Regardless of what this other guy's role is in your life, you need to be thinking not about 'leaving my husband for another man' but 'leaving my husband because I don't love him and want to be with him anymore'. I hope that you have at least a tiny bit of love in there somewhere for him - enough to let him go so that he doesn't spend the rest of his life with a woman who doesn't love him and will cheat on him. Wouldn't you want your H to find happiness? He never will if he stays with you. Let him go. Not for MM, but for your H's sake. He may be hurt, but it hurts far worse to live out your life with someone who resents you, and only keeps you around for practical purposes. If you truly do not have enough love left for marriage, then give him a divorce. It is the humane thing to do.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

It's pretty obvious your marriage isn't working - yet you stay for 'financial' reasons. You're not a SAHM as you're bringing in your own income, so I don't even get the logic in that statement about staying for financial reasons. If you mean you're accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that would all change if you were to live on your own, then so what? Sometimes we have to quit being selfish about material things and make choices that benefit us emotionally and mentally - and if it means making sacrifices, so be it.

 

I'm curious how one can 'fall in love' with someone and not even know his marital status? I think 'infactuation' is the better word for it. Actually, 'dead end' is the ultimate word for it.

[IpAncA]

Advice....work on your own marriage. If it's not working then that should tell you something. Don't go seeking on the outside. Only makes things worse.

[confuseddd]

I know how you feel girl! I am there with you in a similar situation. However, this just keeps coming back to me: You are IN LOVE with the IDEA of freedom. It is not really the person it is the possibilities of what your life might be like if you were not "tied down" with this husband.

 

Good luck and keep posting...it helps.

[mydreams]

Openbook, KATANYA, LucreziaBorgia, ICallsEmAsISeesEm and IpAncA thank you all for your responses.

Openbook "I think he is interested... but men do not think the way we women do. They are totally different animals. I would bet that he is NOT looking at you as the "love of his life" or thinking long-term or anything like that. Men just don't think about these things, especially in a (so far) casual work relationship. They are thinking mainly about sex."

I agree that this may be the case and this is one of the reasons I have turned to loveshack for other views.

KaTANYA "Where is your H in all this? Is he unhappy as well? Have he two of you talked? Its not uncommon after a child is born for relationships to change, finances to become issues, sex life to wane.......is this marriage salvageable or is it, as you said, a marriage for all the wrong reasons and you both want out!"

I have been trying to work on my M for the past year but H is totally in another view of the world, he never talks to me. When I tell him the way I feel about our M he just closes up. I don't think that he is having an A or even time to have one, but his Work is defenetly the only thing counting before us or our child. As far as the marrigae being salvageable I don't know. I will just say that if we didn't have our child, our house and our dog I would have probably left a long time ago. The other issue is that if we go through D he would probably not be able to stay in the US and I defenetly don't want my child to have his father in his life unlike me.

 

LucreziaBorgia "It is unfortunate that you would be willing to trade in your family, and help destroy another person's family for someone that doesn't even exist except in your heart and mind. " This is actually the biggest reason that this relation stayed at the level it has been since last year. Although we have talked a lot about many things and some of his issues with his family, we both have always said that our children come first. I believe that one of the reasons for him not to telll me his marrital status is that he doesn't want to influence any of my decisions. I come from a broken up family and I do not wish any child to live through that so do not wish to ruin his family, but if his situation is the one I was told then things might be different.

Wouldn't you want your H to find happiness? Of course I do but I don't want to stay in a M for his hapiness only. this is his second M and it is not working either, his first wife seems to have had the same issues but found it out faster than I did with no child. Do I love him, right now like I love his as I love my brother of a very good friend. He is a very good dad to our child.

 

ICallsEmAsISeesEm "It's pretty obvious your marriage isn't working - yet you stay for 'financial' reasons. You're not a SAHM as you're bringing in your own income, so I don't even get the logic in that statement about staying for financial reasons. If you mean you're accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that would all change if you were to live on your own, then so what? Sometimes we have to quit being selfish about material things and make choices that benefit us emotionally and mentally - and if it means making sacrifices, so be it." When we started to date I spent all my earnings erasing his debts and financial issues from his first D. I have invested the little money from my inheritence in hour house and would not right now get any of it back. I now have a small income and where we live I would not be able to provide a good or decent home to my son and dog. He would love for me to find a great paying job and stay home with our child or find a low paying job so he could spend time with our child. We barely pay the bills with both incomes. My family lives abroad and I would have no one to turn to for support. There is no question that I would not be able turn to my mother and her H who would start verbal abuse towards me again.

As I said above OM and I have spend much time talking about many things but lately his has not mentionned his M only his children to me. I know more from some people we work with, than what he tells me. I respect the fact that he wants to resolve his M problems without involving me.

 

IpAncA I have been trying to work on this M for the last few years, to say the least. I have been the one to always give and never get anything back, but try to work on it any how.

 

To best honest I would say that I am staying with H just to not fail my child, since I had always promised myself I would not have my children go through the same childhood I did, not having a father in the picture and having an abusive step father is the hardest thing to grow up with. I willl admit that if we go through D I will feel likeI have failled everything, but I realize that I am putting myself through unhapiness, frustration and don't know how much longer I can live like that. I feel like I have change from the happy outgoing person to a person that is not myself. I know there is no easy way to solve this situation and that at some point I will need to make a choice. I don't want to leave H just for an OM, I need to find the right solution for everyone.

Thanks again to all for your time.

[whichwayisup]

Your husband needs a wake up call! And here's how to do just that.

 

TELL him about the OM, how the OM makes you feel. Tell your husband why you've chosen to seek attention from another man!

 

Trust me, this WILL get your husbands attention - It will force him to DO something and not just sit there, denying that the marriage is going down the toilet. Either it will force him to choose to fix things, go to marriage counselling with you, or you two will end the marriage and move on.

 

I honestly feel from reading your thread that you two have not given an ounce of effort to work and save the marriage. You two obviously fell in love, got married, had a child together, so there is something there...Problem is, IS it worth saving?

 

The OM, he is only a symptom of what is going on...Adding him into the mix is only going to mess things up more. And, innocent people (your H, his W, the kids) are going to get hurt alot by this betrayal!

 

Get some counselling in, work on you. End it with the OM as that is going nowhere. You both are married.

 

I wish you strength and I hope that you can talk to your husband openly about all this.

[mydreams]

confuseddd - Thank you. I don't think it is really the idea of freedom that I am in love with, but the idea of having a man that cares about me and stands by me. H is definetely not full of attentions. I think in his own way H thinks he shows care by helping arround the house, but that's about the extend of what I can expect from him. I work in an environment where we are few women and I know many men I am friends with but with none of them do I have this emotional connection and these feelings. I will continue to post to help me sort things out.

 

whichwayisup - Did I fall in love with him before marrying I don't think I was in love the way you are thinking, I was looking for someone that was safe for me, not someone I was head over heels for. We advanced all wedding plans when the only male and father figure I had in my life was very ill and needed something to try to keep him hanging on to life. I had always thought this man would be there to walk me down the aisle.

About a year ago I told him that we were heading for D, that I could not live like this and would find someone else to seek attention from. His answer was do what you want and nothing changed. I have told him since many times that I get more attention from Male friends that he provides me with and he justs ignores its. I have sat us down to talk many times since and told him what was wrong, how I felt and the only thing I got back was no answers. I feel like I am speaking to a wall. The only answer I get is that when we'll have more money everything will be better... H is just not there for me emotionnally and physically. I feel like he is more a roomate than anything at this point.

As far as the "It will force him to DO something and not just sit there, denying that the marriage is going down the toilet" I think I have tried mostly everything to wakle H up but nothing seems to have worked. This might seem silly but I don't remember the last time he has given me a thoughtfull gift for any occasion.

 

OM and I have so much more in comon, we like the same type of things we understand each other whithout even having to always talk to each other. Sometimes when I see him at work, we can just look at each other and it seems we know that we'll watchout for eachother. OM always reminds me how great I am and that I should know that. OM makes me feel alive again and with H I feel like a piece of furniture that he doesn't even look at.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like he is more a roomate than anything at this point.

As far as the "It will force him to DO something and not just sit there, denying that the marriage is going down the toilet" I think I have tried mostly everything to wakle H up but nothing seems to have worked. This might seem silly but I don't remember the last time he has given me a thoughtfull gift for any occasion.

 

But have you said to your husband, "I'm not sure if I love you anymore, this marriage is falling apart, we're more like roommates, than husband and wife. I'm miserable and because of how miserable I've been, I have been seeing another man..." I think if you told him the truth, that you ARE having an affair, something will happen.

 

But, to be honest, from what you've said, I'm not sure if you want to even bother saving your marriage. If you're gonna leave, do it because it's the best thing to do for you, not because of the OM. You say the OM is married? Is he going to leave his spouse? And, if the OM doesn't leave his wife, will you still leave your husband and be on your own, reguardless? Or, will you stay married to someone who basically ignores you and all your needs just so you can have the comforts of home?

 

Either way, you need to take a break from the OM and do some thinking.

[whichwayisup]

OM and I have so much more in comon, we like the same type of things we understand each other whithout even having to always talk to each other. Sometimes when I see him at work, we can just look at each other and it seems we know that we'll watchout for eachother. OM always reminds me how great I am and that I should know that. OM makes me feel alive again and with H I feel like a piece of furniture that he doesn't even look at.

 

You're in the midst of the affair-fog, affairyland, where everything is great...You two connect, have passion, have fun together, but all this is based on lust and sex. It is not a 'real' relationship in the sense of the bad stuff, the stress stuff. Neither of you 'know' eachother in the sense of testing the relationship with ALL that a relationship brings on. Inlaws, kids, work, money issues, daily crap life throws at ya...With this OM, you two are hidden away in secret, living out a fun fantasy, enjoying the feelings...THAT is an affair, not a long lasting love relationship. It's selfish and makes you feel good, just like you make the OM feel good about himself. If your spouses DO find out, my guess is, the A will end.

[mydreams]

whichwayisup - There was never any physical contact between OM and I. There certainly seems to be a very strong emotional connection and certainly the same interests in many things since we gravitate in thesame circle and in the same line of work. Since it can't be sex, if it had been just lust would it still be the same feelings if not stronger after a year?

As far as "Neither of you 'know' eachother in the sense of testing the relationship with ALL that a relationship brings on. Inlaws, kids, work, money issues, daily crap life throws at ya..." I think you never can "know" eachother in the way you mention unless you actually live and get married to that other person. Does and should daily crap mean that you don't remember your SO's birthday, chirstmas or never kiss them unless they have to ask for it. I don't beleive that this is what you mean either. When H walks in the House he barely acknowledges that I am there, doesn't say hello, and goes on to do what he wants to without even speaking to me. When I say something he always says it's not true and that it's been like this or like that for a while when it has not.

IF this had become and A, as far as my H is concerned I don't know if he would fight for me or not. I guess this is what is discouraging for me too.

Thank you for you view of the situation.

[whichwayisup]

I think you never can "know" eachother in the way you mention unless you actually live and get married to that other person

 

Yeah but an affair is much different than dating someone and including them in every part of your life, meeting friends and family. Most people that get married atleast have a foundation to go on.

 

I understand your frustration, I just think that the answers aren't going to help you in the long run by seeking attention from another man, let alone a married man. You two are letting feelings grow between you and it's not fair to your spouses. I doubt very much his wife would approve of the closeness you two are sharing...

 

Since it can't be sex, if it had been just lust would it still be the same feelings if not stronger after a year?

 

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones.

 

Anyway, I do hope you take time for you and figure out what you want. If your husband really doesn't care either way, then you need to make the changes - whether it be marriage counselling or ending the marriage. To be married to someone and yet be 'alone' in the marriage is worse than actually living alone.

[PoshPrincess]

It's pretty obvious your marriage isn't working - yet you stay for 'financial' reasons. You're not a SAHM as you're bringing in your own income, so I don't even get the logic in that statement about staying for financial reasons.

 

Hmmm. I totally get it. I am now a single Mum but still had my own income when I split up from my son's father. That isn't to say it hasn't been a struggle financially (and otherwise) though. When you are in a R, even if you are a working Mum, you still have 2 incomes to support you. I took money from the house so was able to put a deposit on a new one for myself and my son but things are much more of a struggle now, whereas before I guess I was comfortable. Also, I have had to cut my working hours to fit around my son's education.

 

I would advise anyone with kids who is thinking of leaving their partner to think VERY carefully. I have no regrets (my ex and I have both moved on) but it IS really really hard. You need to make sure that you don't leave on a whim. My son was also very young when our problems first started. Try anything you can to make your marriage work before you risk it all for someone who really could just be spinning you a line. Maybe he isn't, but you don't want to risk your whole future for something that could be pure infatuation!

[justice]

Think of this. Are you sure you are capable of hurting his wife and children?

How will you feel doing this? Is it fair to them? If you can't think of your husband and marriage try thinking on the other side of the fence. Run, don't walk the other way.

[mydreams]

Justice - If you read my posts you would have seen that I have posted this your answer to your question:

This is actually the biggest reason that this relation stayed at the level it has been since last year. Although we have talked a lot about many things and some of his issues with his family, we both have always said that our children come first. I believe that one of the reasons for him not to telll me his marrital status is that he doesn't want to influence any of my decisions. I come from a broken up family and I do not wish any child to live through that so do not wish to ruin his family, but if his situation is the one I was told then things might be different.

 

Thanks for reading this thread so carefully and not jumping to conclusions.

[mydreams]

It's been a while since I started this thread and I just wanted to give an update. I have barely seen mm since I posted this, since my schedule has been quite hectic. The few times I got to see him where during work when we both were quite busy and could not really talk.

I also have tried to have a few serious discussions with H but nothing has changed, our relation is at a stand still and as time goes by we are growing further a part. We don't fight but don't really talk either. This sexless and emotionless mariage is becoming bery difficult for me to stay in. Every time I try to engage some communication, he closes up even more. My feelings for mm are not going away even if I do everything I can not to see him or talk to him. I feel more alone now than ever and this is becoming harder to deal with during the holiday season.

I'm not sure what the future will bring but I just hope it brings some light soon.

I wish you all happy holidays.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As long as you stay in this abysmal marriage, your feelings for MM will not go away. Why? Because you see MM as a chance for escape and happiness that you do not currently have. People who are in prison dream of freedom and escape - they overlook what life on the outside will really be like for them. They only see freedom. Escape. They romanticize what they think it will be like. Just like you are doing with MM.

 

I think you will find that if you were to find a way to free yourself, start a life for yourself, support yourself and get your life back together that you will find that it was what you really wanted for yourself. Freedom. Not some other woman's husband. He isn't what you really want. Freedom is. Best not to confuse the two.

 

Is there any way possible that you could talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are, and what life would be like for you if you were to divorce and get support from your H? You may find that your life will be better lived separately rather than together, and you may be able to make it after all without having to cheat or rip apart some other woman's family.

[justice]

confuseddd - Thank you. I don't think it is really the idea of freedom that I am in love with, but the idea of having a man that cares about me and stands by me. H is definetely not full of attentions. I think in his own way H thinks he shows care by helping arround the house, but that's about the extend of what I can expect from him. I work in an environment where we are few women and I know many men I am friends with but with none of them do I have this emotional connection and these feelings. I will continue to post to help me sort things out.

 

whichwayisup - Did I fall in love with him before marrying I don't think I was in love the way you are thinking, I was looking for someone that was safe for me, not someone I was head over heels for. We advanced all wedding plans when the only male and father figure I had in my life was very ill and needed something to try to keep him hanging on to life. I had always thought this man would be there to walk me down the aisle.

About a year ago I told him that we were heading for D, that I could not live like this and would find someone else to seek attention from. His answer was do what you want and nothing changed. I have told him since many times that I get more attention from Male friends that he provides me with and he justs ignores its. I have sat us down to talk many times since and told him what was wrong, how I felt and the only thing I got back was no answers. I feel like I am speaking to a wall. The only answer I get is that when we'll have more money everything will be better... H is just not there for me emotionnally and physically. I feel like he is more a roomate than anything at this point.

As far as the "It will force him to DO something and not just sit there, denying that the marriage is going down the toilet" I think I have tried mostly everything to wakle H up but nothing seems to have worked. This might seem silly but I don't remember the last time he has given me a thoughtfull gift for any occasion.

 

OM and I have so much more in comon, we like the same type of things we understand each other whithout even having to always talk to each other. Sometimes when I see him at work, we can just look at each other and it seems we know that we'll watchout for eachother. OM always reminds me how great I am and that I should know that. OM makes me feel alive again and with H I feel like a piece of furniture that he doesn't even look at.

 

 

Somewhere, as you are writing and thinking about this MM, his wife is sitting there thinking the same as you only it's her wondering why he sees her as part of the furniture. Think about this. Seriously. You don't want this one your head. Stay away.

[PoshPrincess]

As long as you stay in this abysmal marriage, your feelings for MM will not go away. Why? Because you see MM as a chance for escape and happiness that you do not currently have. People who are in prison dream of freedom and escape - they overlook what life on the outside will really be like for them. They only see freedom. Escape. They romanticize what they think it will be like. Just like you are doing with MM.

 

I was thinking exactly the same thing. Well posted!

 

You shouldn't be wondering whether MM is interested before you consider leaving your M. You should end your M for yourself, not for an OP. It would be much healthier for you (and your child) to end things and be single for a while than to throw yourself headlong into another R anyway.