complicatedlife Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 This is my first time posting here - I came across this site doing some research and it seems like a good place to vent. I'm not an expert on the jargons used here, so please forgive me! I am not quite sure I am an OW; my story: A few months ago, I met a man my age - 35. We met on a professional level and I knew he was married, wasn't interested in him at all, however, as friends we hit it off very, very well. We have much in common on a variety of levels. We got together for lunch and dinner often, exchanged emails frequently over the course of months - he has other female friends, and his wife is cool with that. We discussed many different things as we got to know one another, including the fact that he has been unhappy in his 11 year marriage for the past 2 years and is thinking about leaving (has 2 children - 10 and 8). His reasons: he thinks they were married too young, they're incompatible now, he doesn't love her romantically anymore and has not for the past 2 years. One evening we were hanging out, we discussed how there was this growing attraction between us and we ended up sleeping together. I told him afterwards that I needed to end our friendship because I am not the type who can handle being the OW- it isn't fair to me, his children, or his wife. He said he understood, and asked if we could remain friends if he promised never to initiate anything again because he needed my friendship. I agreed and we continued our friendship, and I encouraged him to go to counseling and try to work on his marriage because he loves his children so much, yet he's so hurt from his wife's lack of passion- but I told him he's still there and so is she, so there must be a reason why. A few weeks later, he told his wife he wanted to separate and he told me it was NOT because of me - he just needs to finally do it. He asked me if I would date him if he was single, and I told him that if he ever really was, I am not promising, but I would consider it. Well, he eventually left. I have been seeing him for 2 months now - he and his wife had an amicable separation agreement drawn up, but she wants to go to counseling (she thinks they should try to salvage their marriage if possible) and he does not want to go. He finally decided to go because they have been fighting so much about it and he says he feels that he may owe her that (I think he feels guilty for leaving). He is remaining in his new house as they go to counseling once per week. Now we are trying to decide how to handle our relationship and if we should even have one. But something happened this week....I asked him if he wanted to go back home and he said he asked her and she told him that she didn't want him back home but they could try counseling. I was stunned at the turn of events. Has this ever happened to anyone here, and if so, how did you handle it? If not, what do you think? Should we continue? Can we go back to being friends? Thanks in advance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Separated men are really hard to date... Let me tell you how it goes at a MC session: MC: You can't leave you have a family, etc, etc, etc. He sounds like he's being beaten down and thinks he should stay. He'll probably go back and down the road they'll split again...Some M's are just like that...He doesn't sound like his heart is in it... How do you feel about him? Do you think he's worth it to stick around? This is one of those cases that sounds like it's going to be a long, drama-filled road...are you up to it? You could tell him, that you won't date him as long as he's going through the motions of Reconciliation...and see what he does... But listen to this: Put the ball back in your court...You're giving him way too much power here...Make him know that he has to fight for you, if he wants you... (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 CL it sounds as if he's pretty confused about what he wants, and what might be best in the situation. You can either help him to make his decision, or you can wait for him to make it and then work with the outcome. If you choose to help him make the decision, though, bear in mind that it could backfire and you could end up being blamed if things don't work out well. If you leave him to make the decision you might also want to use the time to decide what it is you really want, if anything, from him. Good luck. I suspect this one is going to take time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Separated men are really hard to date... Let me tell you how it goes at a MC session: MC: You can't leave you have a family, etc, etc, etc. He sounds like he's being beaten down and thinks he should stay. He'll probably go back and down the road they'll split again...Some M's are just like that...He doesn't sound like his heart is in it... How do you feel about him? Do you think he's worth it to stick around? This is one of those cases that sounds like it's going to be a long, drama-filled road...are you up to it? You could tell him, that you won't date him as long as he's going through the motions of Reconciliation...and see what he does... But listen to this: Put the ball back in your court...You're giving him way too much power here...Make him know that he has to fight for you, if he wants you... (((HUGS))) GreenEyedLady, thanks for your input. Answers to your questions: How do I feel about him? I think I might love him - he is the most compatible man I've ever dated and I really love that we had a real, true friendship for several months first. Is he worth sticking around for? Definitely - but I guess I'd have to put a time limit on that for myself. And I agree...definitely a drama-filled road ahead if I do wait! We discussed being just friends, but is it truly something we can do? I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 GreenEyedLady, thanks for your input. Answers to your questions: How do I feel about him? I think I might love him - he is the most compatible man I've ever dated and I really love that we had a real, true friendship for several months first. Is he worth sticking around for? Definitely - but I guess I'd have to put a time limit on that for myself. And I agree...definitely a drama-filled road ahead if I do wait! We discussed being just friends, but is it truly something we can do? I'm not sure. Well, if you truly love him and see a future for you two you need to put your foot down... You need to let him know you're not going to wait around while he's deciding if he should stay or go...and start going out and doing things with other people...even if your hearts not in it...He can't think that you're sitting around waiting for his decision, it needs to be your DECISION... Start pulling away and see how he reacts...It's early on and really, it gets harder the longer you're together...so if you're going to break up, it really is easier sooner, rather than later...even though it will be heartbreaking... And if you want to stay, come and post here for support...there are alot of OW who will help support and encourage you and watch your back...if you have problems with posters being nasty, you can put them on ignore... Welcome to the forum! GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 CL it sounds as if he's pretty confused about what he wants, and what might be best in the situation. You can either help him to make his decision, or you can wait for him to make it and then work with the outcome. If you choose to help him make the decision, though, bear in mind that it could backfire and you could end up being blamed if things don't work out well. If you leave him to make the decision you might also want to use the time to decide what it is you really want, if anything, from him. Good luck. I suspect this one is going to take time! OWoman - thank you, too. The confusion drives ME crazy. He thinks one thing today, and something else tomorrow. Yes, it's all going to take time. It's emotionally scary for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Well, if you truly love him and see a future for you two you need to put your foot down... You need to let him know you're not going to wait around while he's deciding if he should stay or go...and start going out and doing things with other people...even if your hearts not in it...He can't think that you're sitting around waiting for his decision, it needs to be your DECISION... Start pulling away and see how he reacts...It's early on and really, it gets harder the longer you're together...so if you're going to break up, it really is easier sooner, rather than later...even though it will be heartbreaking... And if you want to stay, come and post here for support...there are alot of OW who will help support and encourage you and watch your back...if you have problems with posters being nasty, you can put them on ignore... Welcome to the forum! GEL GreenEyedLady, that's what I wantto do - just pull all the way back. But we have a situation coming up that is going to make it hard. I can't say what it is here - still a tad bit paranoid about posting extremely specific information about this...sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 GreenEyedLady, that's what I wantto do - just pull all the way back. But we have a situation coming up that is going to make it hard. I can't say what it is here - still a tad bit paranoid about posting extremely specific information about this...sorry! no it's good to be gaurded on any public forum, seriously good on ya Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 GreenEyedLady, that's what I wantto do - just pull all the way back. But we have a situation coming up that is going to make it hard. I can't say what it is here - still a tad bit paranoid about posting extremely specific information about this...sorry! No problem that's smart to not give out TMI... Just keep posting and we'll support you however we can... Link to post Share on other sites
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