HappyAtLast Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 How about a joke.. to lighten the mood? A man and his wife are eating dinner at a restaurant. A beautiful woman walks up to the man, whispers something into his ear and walks away. The wife asks "who was that?" The husband replies "my mistress." Well, the wife is understandably outraged. She stands up and shouts "Your mistress? That's it, I want a divorce." Her husband says "well, ok, but you can say goodbye to the country house, the mercedes, the unlimited clothing allowance." The wife sits down. She looks around the restaurant, across the room she sees a friend of her husband's with a woman who is definitely not his wife. She asks her husband "who is Ken with?". He replies "that HIS mistress." "Oh" replies the wife "ours is prettier." Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me? Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 hee hee Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 http://www.myscienceproject.org/ Check out the one about how many condoms can you put on Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Dont move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend youre a statue." "Whats this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 What's the definition of mistress: Something between a mister and a matress. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuc k off, I'm trying to take a ****"! Link to post Share on other sites
mystic_pizza Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. " Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 Sign on the Brothel Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it! We're closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Tsuki no Michi Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. ==================== So Much Fun A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband. "What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!" "I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 So Much Fun A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband. "What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!" "I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied. These are all fab but this one cracked me up the most!!!!! Wish I could email it to exMM. Link to post Share on other sites
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