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To love hopelessly or not love at all?


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I am in love with a MW. I am trying to move past this place in my life for my own health, but I have a problem I would like to get some outside perspective on by some people that may be able to relate......

 

I want to be able to move past my love for my OW but when I try to live my life I am not able to get her out of my mind. It is particularily difficult when I find myself in a fun situation or when I experience something beautiful (ie. rainbow). When this happens I feel great for a minute, I feel even better the next minute thinking of her, but after that my chest starts hurting and I fell worse. There are so many things that remind me of her and even things that have no connection with her remind me of her if they are postive things in life. I don't think I know how to deal with a broken heart (romatically speaking). I have been with many different people in my life but I've never been on the side of being rejected. Of course I'm not rejected by my OW, in a lot of ways my actions control her, but I am consequencially second in her life. That just doesn't work for me and I know that. But, how do I get her out of my heart? I've tried initiating things with other woman but it only makes me feel sick. Am I destined to deal with this for the rest of my life? I see myself as such a positive person but I look and look but just can't find the silver lining.

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GreenEyedLady

You must just accept that it is the way it is...

 

Set yourself free...Acknowledge and cherish what you had, but never trade your life so that someone else can have theirs...

 

And sometimes when you set something free it comes back...What will be, will be...So be true to yourself...If you cannot be with her, you must show her what life without you will be like...

 

Live your life...She's living hers...

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DInLasVegas

I wish I had an answer for you but I dont I just wanted to say that I can relate to you I just havent been able to figure it out either. So I will be reading the responses to this post...

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I am in love with a MW. I am trying to move past this place in my life for my own health, but I have a problem I would like to get some outside perspective on by some people that may be able to relate......

 

I want to be able to move past my love for my OW but when I try to live my life I am not able to get her out of my mind. It is particularily difficult when I find myself in a fun situation or when I experience something beautiful (ie. rainbow). When this happens I feel great for a minute, I feel even better the next minute thinking of her, but after that my chest starts hurting and I fell worse. There are so many things that remind me of her and even things that have no connection with her remind me of her if they are postive things in life. I don't think I know how to deal with a broken heart (romatically speaking). I have been with many different people in my life but I've never been on the side of being rejected. Of course I'm not rejected by my OW, in a lot of ways my actions control her, but I am consequencially second in her life. That just doesn't work for me and I know that. But, how do I get her out of my heart? I've tried initiating things with other woman but it only makes me feel sick. Am I destined to deal with this for the rest of my life? I see myself as such a positive person but I look and look but just can't find the silver lining.

 

Hi patient Guy, How do you get someone out of your heart you ask? I think it's when you realize that you don't have a deep love for that person kind of like "It's just not there". How can you get to that point? Well, I tried therapy, but that did not really work for me because I was unwilling to let go of my feeling's for xmm. It was on my own that I just realized after month's of unkind word', hurt and rejection that this person that I thought cared for me was nothing more than a selfish mm who just wanted some sort of "Thrill" in his life. I don't know all the detail's about you and MW, but it sound's to me like she's messing with you. Do you want to continue to hurt? Cause you will if you can not face the fact that she's just not into you in the way you wish she was. Best of luck.

 

AP:)

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I suppose I already know what you said Green Eyes.

 

It helps to hear it from someone else.

 

I really need to just open up to someone else in my life and tell them all of this. I haven't been able to do that because I feel ashamed. Yes, I feel ashamed or loving a younger married woman. I never wouldn've imagined that possible. That I would fall in love, really fall in love, with a married person. One thing life keeps teaching me is that I should never assume anything or judge people. I think I need help with this one. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just confess to someone.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head on one of my other posts. Thanks Green Eyes.

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GreenEyedLady
I suppose I already know what you said Green Eyes.

 

It helps to hear it from someone else.

 

I really need to just open up to someone else in my life and tell them all of this. I haven't been able to do that because I feel ashamed. Yes, I feel ashamed or loving a younger married woman. I never wouldn've imagined that possible. That I would fall in love, really fall in love, with a married person. One thing life keeps teaching me is that I should never assume anything or judge people. I think I need help with this one. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just confess to someone.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head on one of my other posts. Thanks Green Eyes.

 

We've all been there...It's ok to choose a R that not everyone agrees with-just make sure it's your choice...That your needs are being met and that you are still living your life...

 

If you feel that telling someone will help you, then do it...Choose the person who you know has your back...This happens more than you know and by telling the right person you will start developing a support system...And by support I don't mean them telling you what they think you want to hear, but just accepting you and loving you as you are...You know who they are in your life...

 

You'll get through this...It's ok to love like you've never been hurt...

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Well, I may be a fool, but I think she's exactly into me the way I want her to be. At the same time I don't expect her to leave her husband. I believe in marriage still despite my divorce and if she wants to stay in hers than I have no choice but to accept that. I don't think that has to mean that she cares for me any less. In a way her caring for me as much as she does makes it harder for me. Regardless of how she does feel though, I think you've experienced a similar feeling that I do now. Thanks for the reply.

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What do you think? Family member or friend. The advantage of the family member is obvious. The disadvantage is they may not be neutral. A friend may not be as serious about it (guys tend to be shallow on purpose in friendships), but they would at least be neutral.

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IfWishesWereHorses

A professional?

 

Seriously, once you decide what path you really want to take you could use someone to introduce you to CBT. That knowledge you can also apply to other areas of your life as the need arises. It requires a decision and a commitment though. P ossibly a professional could help you there too.

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GreenEyedLady
What do you think? Family member or friend. The advantage of the family member is obvious. The disadvantage is they may not be neutral. A friend may not be as serious about it (guys tend to be shallow on purpose in friendships), but they would at least be neutral.

 

Who do you trust? Choose someone that you trust your life with...

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What do you think? Family member or friend. The advantage of the family member is obvious. The disadvantage is they may not be neutral. A friend may not be as serious about it (guys tend to be shallow on purpose in friendships), but they would at least be neutral.

 

Do you have any female friends? How about your hairdresser? (You may laugh - but mine knows things about me that my dearest pals don't!!) Or maybe even a couple sessions with a good therapist.

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Tsuki no Michi
We've all been there...It's ok to choose a R that not everyone agrees with-just make sure it's your choice...That your needs are being met and that you are still living your life...

 

This is my situation. I choose to remain the OM for my own reasons. I'm not sure telling anyone is the best idea though. I made that mistake and it cost me someone who was previously a good friend. You may think they can handle it, but many people have deep-seated opinions on issues like this that have nothing to do with the way they come across in normal life. JMO anyway. Take it for what you will.

 

You'll get through this...It's ok to love like you've never been hurt...

 

And to love through the hurt... ;)

 

TNM

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I suppose I already know what you said Green Eyes.

 

It helps to hear it from someone else.

 

I really need to just open up to someone else in my life and tell them all of this. I haven't been able to do that because I feel ashamed. Yes, I feel ashamed or loving a younger married woman. I never wouldn've imagined that possible. That I would fall in love, really fall in love, with a married person. One thing life keeps teaching me is that I should never assume anything or judge people. I think I need help with this one. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just confess to someone.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head on one of my other posts. Thanks Green Eyes.

 

Yes, I feel ashamed or loving a younger married woman. I never wouldn've imagined that possible. That I would fall in love, really fall in love, with a married person.

 

Another living proof : 'never say never'... it happened when you least expect it...

 

Now what? If you are unhappy with your A and think you need to get out of it.. then only time will heal your wounds... If you are OK with it...then just go with the flow and see where things go.

 

There is no miracle 'cure' ... only time. :(

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Oh, Patientguy, I so know the feelings your going through. They are really difficult.

 

My therapist gave me the most obvious and freeing advice when I was becoming increasingly anxious over whether or not to end the R. She simply said "you don't need to make your decision now." After that, I realized that I didn't have to push myself into something I simply wasn't ready for. After that realization, I dropped the idea that I needed an answer and the anxiety faded away. Once I was able to take one day at a time without caring when I made my choice, I started to slowly focus on what I really wanted my choice to be.

 

So remember, you don't need to decide what to do now. Just figure out what you really want, and then make any changes you need to in your life, whether it is acceptance or moving on.

 

Good luck.

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My therapist gave me the most obvious and freeing advice when I was becoming increasingly anxious over whether or not to end the R. She simply said "you don't need to make your decision now." After that, I realized that I didn't have to push myself into something I simply wasn't ready for. After that realization, I dropped the idea that I needed an answer and the anxiety faded away. Once I was able to take one day at a time without caring when I made my choice, I started to slowly focus on what I really wanted my choice to be.

 

 

WOW Cliche!! I thought I would need a therapist when I first broke up because I was having terrible feelings that seemend so out of control and like I would NEVER be able to overcome them. I did EXACTLY as your therapist told you, no one told me to do this, it was just my intuition. I did it my way and the best way I knew how and with time that passed things just made more sense. My friends and family would recommend things that just didn't sit right with me and I did things my way anyway.

 

Patientguy, I found here that some people will give the the cookie cutter fits all answers in trying to help (not in this thread on LS I meant), which ironically does NOT fit all, and that is to move on and do things to forget her. The other favourite is the NC rule. Yes NC is good but doing it cold turkey doesn't work for everyone sometimes you need to ease yourself into changes. I found that easing myself into ideas worked for me immensely even if it meant doing something half way I allowed myself to do so.

 

When do you get her out of your heart? You may never do that, but that's ok because what you want to ask is not when will you get her out of your heart but when can you carry her in your heart so that she does not feel like a burden to your daily progress. You may have to save a little place in your heart forever. I don't know.

 

I know what you mean about the constant reminders. All I can suggest is time, don't pressure yourself to be anywhere you feel you MUST be. Don't pressure yourself to feel anything that you think you should be feeling. Eventually the thoughts will become more sparse and manageable and they won't cause you as much pain. The important thing is that you took the steps that are right for you to deal with the situation. Everything you are feeling now is normal and cannot be overridden.

 

People will tell you "just forget her" my friends used to say that to me about my guy. It's not like that, that doesn't work. If we have to keep thinking about them for months on end and that's what it takes to get a grip on things then so be it. I know I still think about him but it's not intrusive anymore.

 

Try not to censor your feelings in fear that you are perpetuating your pain, nothing stays with you forever. Eventually reality starts to set in and acceptance opens the door to you and it's at that point you are on your way.

 

How long have you been broken up?

 

[i've tried initiating things with other woman but it only makes me feel sick.

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean, I had a date a few weeks ago. NOT GOOD. I felt the same way. So we are not ready, we hold off until we are feeling a little more ready. What's the rush?

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PoshPrincess
What do you think? Family member or friend. The advantage of the family member is obvious. The disadvantage is they may not be neutral. A friend may not be as serious about it (guys tend to be shallow on purpose in friendships), but they would at least be neutral.

 

PG, I don't think anyone close to you can be completely neutral. After all, they will care about your feelings above all else. Also, I think you will know deep down the friends who might make judgements on you so avoid talking to them at all costs. You don't need someone to take the moral highground and tell you what you're doing is wrong.

 

I would go with the therapist idea. I DID have friends I could talk to who were all extremely supportive, even the one's who thought what I was doing was morally wrong, but, as you say, it's easier to talk to girls than guys. I think a lot of guys would have that, "What are you worried about, mate? Fill your boots!" kind of attitude and wouldn't take your emotional feelings into consideration. I don't think they would necessarily take your problems seriously, unless they have been there themselves.

 

My exMM spoke to his sister about us. She was the only person who knew the full story and how he was feeling about it all. She had been in my position and her now-husband had been the MM. She could explain to exMM how I would be feeling and her H could sympathise with what he was going through. Maybe you have a friend or family member who has been through the same thing?

 

Best of luck to you.

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