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Are extramarital affairs really that bad?


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I find it interesting how often in the OW/OM portion of the forum that regardless of the topic it ends up with posters telling the OW how wrong they are and the OW’s defending themselves. I absolutely do not believe in monogamy so it seems kind of trivial to me.

 

More than once I’ve had a fling with a married woman. In every case I knew that they were married and never had any illusions of taking them away from their husbands. From my perspective, most women marry and stay married for financial reasons, a stable home, and to avoid being alone. The emotional attachments tend to not be about love but about one’s own security and stability.

 

With each MW they came to me for emotional support, to have someone to talk to. From my point of view, their affair with me was greatly beneficial to their mental well being. I don’t at all think that being tied strictly to one person is a good thing. A little someone different every now and then is probably a good thing.

 

There was one MW; her friend was well aware of what was happening. She told us once that she wished she had someone like me so that she could have an escape from her husband every now and then.

 

I’m sure MM are different but I just don’t see any intrinsic wrongness with having an extramarital affair.

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Why be married at all then? Sorry but if both parties aren't in agreement with one another (meaning they haven't decided on an open marriage) then it really is unfair and cruel to the BS. On the other hand, if they do both agree then I don't see anything wrong with it. I had a Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle who stayed married for over 40 years and they had an open marriage. She rarely strayed (only know of one) but he had a lover (the same one) for over 30 years. They were very happy with their marriage and were until the day he died. She never remarried or had an actual boyfriend before she passed away. Hey, if it works for them (and others) then great! I just don't think if it's only one spouse doing the cheating that it's fair to the BS sitting at home. People take vows for a reason and if the WH/WW doesn't want to abide by them then they shouldn't be married at all.

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I absolutely do not believe in monogamy either. It is just impossible to be faithful to the same person all your life... IMO.

 

I would say that most married men stay married for the same reasons. Love fades away, routine gets in... sex is boring...so they seek excitement outside the marriage.

 

See... we agree on this point.... the affair is beneficial to their mental well being... therefore to the M.

 

I'm all for it... because IMO, it unnatural to be with only one person all your life.

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Why be married at all then? Sorry but if both parties aren't in agreement with one another (meaning they haven't decided on an open marriage) then it really is unfair and cruel to the BS. On the other hand, if they do both agree then I don't see anything wrong with it. I had a Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle who stayed married for over 40 years and they had an open marriage. She rarely strayed (only know of one) but he had a lover (the same one) for over 30 years. They were very happy with their marriage and were until the day he died. She never remarried or had an actual boyfriend before she passed away. Hey, if it works for them (and others) then great! I just don't think if it's only one spouse doing the cheating that it's fair to the BS sitting at home. People take vows for a reason and if the WH/WW doesn't want to abide by them then they shouldn't be married at all.

 

Because every couple who gets married think that it won't happen to them .. They think they will be faithful and together till death do us part... Yeah right... surprise... surprise... sometimes, as soon as a few months after the M, one partner cheats...

 

It happens all the time... divorce rate is going up every year.

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I pretty much agree but the one part I disagree about is that they have entered into a relationship with another person where there was an agreement they would be monogomous. Doing that and then cheating is not right, they should remain single or be in an open relationship in the first place to avoid lying to the other person or hurting them if they find out.

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Because every couple who gets married think that it won't happen to them .. They think they will be faithful and together till death do us part... Yeah right... surprise... surprise... sometimes, as soon as a few months after the M, one partner cheats...

 

It happens all the time... divorce rate is going up every year.

 

 

I didn't say why "get" married, I said why "be" married meaning why stay in a marriage when you want or desire other people? If someone wants to have multiple partners then go for it but not if their spouse is kept in the dark. I'm sorry but that's just wrong. If someone isn't content with just one person then discuss it with your spouse. If they aren't into an open marriage then split.

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I didn't say why "get" married, I said why "be" married meaning why stay in a marriage when you want or desire other people? If someone wants to have multiple partners then go for it but not if their spouse is kept in the dark. I'm sorry but that's just wrong. If someone isn't content with just one person then discuss it with your spouse. If they aren't into an open marriage then split.

 

Because most want to remain married because they don't want to loose that stability and financial security...they don't want to be a 'every-other-weekend' dad... they don't love their W anymore or are just 'roomates' but they are comfortable in that life with someone on the side.

This is not hard to understand, might not be right for most people but it's the reality of most marriages now.

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Its real simple...people who don't want to honor their marriage vows shouldn't get married. If they want to have flings and screw around, then they shouldn't make a committment and shouldn't marry.

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Trialbyfire

To respond to the thread title, yes, lying and screwing around on your partner is bad.

 

If you have an open relationship, go for it. If not, better to get the hell out of the relationship.

 

Btw, I had no need for any of the points you raised about why you believe women marry. I actually loved someone who, at the time, seem to want a committed relationship. Surprise, surprise...

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I find it interesting how often in the OW/OM portion of the forum that regardless of the topic it ends up with posters telling the OW how wrong they are and the OW’s defending themselves. I absolutely do not believe in monogamy so it seems kind of trivial to me.

 

More than once I’ve had a fling with a married woman. In every case I knew that they were married and never had any illusions of taking them away from their husbands. From my perspective, most women marry and stay married for financial reasons, a stable home, and to avoid being alone. The emotional attachments tend to not be about love but about one’s own security and stability.

 

With each MW they came to me for emotional support, to have someone to talk to. From my point of view, their affair with me was greatly beneficial to their mental well being. I don’t at all think that being tied strictly to one person is a good thing. A little someone different every now and then is probably a good thing.

 

There was one MW; her friend was well aware of what was happening. She told us once that she wished she had someone like me so that she could have an escape from her husband every now and then.

 

I’m sure MM are different but I just don’t see any intrinsic wrongness with having an extramarital affair.

 

Are you for real? You see nothing wrong with having an a or ea while a married person? Well I do! and I should never have become involved and NEVER will again. Have you not read about the hurt that a's/ea's cause? Perhap's you should read some more here on LS! Post's like this really make me sick.

 

AP:sick:

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I’m sure MM are different but I just don’t see any intrinsic wrongness with having an extramarital affair.

I see nothing wrong with lies, and deceit, either. They're both cool in my book. The best way to be happy in life is to get out there and take what you want. Screw everyone else (one, or at most two, at a time).

 

Trust, love, and commitment are beautiful things. Some people want the package deal.

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I pretty much agree but the one part I disagree about is that they have entered into a relationship with another person where there was an agreement they would be monogomous. Doing that and then cheating is not right, they should remain single or be in an open relationship in the first place to avoid lying to the other person or hurting them if they find out.

Great post. I'm raising your status from "dumbarse" to "the jury is still out."

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Its real simple...people who don't want to honor their marriage vows shouldn't get married. If they want to have flings and screw around, then they shouldn't make a committment and shouldn't marry.

 

Perhaps the whole idea of vows and lifelong commitment is a flawed idea. From my perspective, those most ardent in their insistence that marriage be strictly monogamous and all that come off as rather angry.

 

I once worked for a company that greatly encouraged people to work as much overtime as possible. Oddly, or perhaps not, most of those most willing to work massive amounts of overtime were married men. By my conversations with them, ie, “Why do you work so much overtime” it became apparent that many of these men essentially were cheating on their wife by burying their problems in working, staying away form their spouse, the old ball and chain.

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that whole idea of vows and lifetime commitment soooo 'dumb'... those are stupid 'laws' created by man and religion and most people don't follow them anyway... :p

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Hurt & Alone

We are all a part of the animal kingdom and how many animals stay with the same partner thier entire life..cant think of one off hand. Instinctual behavior.

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Are you for real? You see nothing wrong with having an a or ea while a married person? Well I do! and I should never have become involved and NEVER will again. Have you not read about the hurt that a's/ea's cause? Perhap's you should read some more here on LS! Post's like this really make me sick.

 

AP:sick:

I'm sure that for as many instances where affairs caused trouble, just as many made people's lives better.
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We are all a part of the animal kingdom and how many animals stay with the same partner thier entire life..cant think of one off hand. Instinctual behavior.

 

probably the same proportion as human who stay faithful... maybe 1% :laugh:

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Hurt & Alone

probably the same proportion as human who stay faithful... maybe 1% :laugh:

 

 

That figure seems appropriate

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whichwayisup
We are all a part of the animal kingdom and how many animals stay with the same partner thier entire life..cant think of one off hand. Instinctual behavior.

 

Loons.

 

Then I googled it and came up with:

Swans, Penguins, Seahorses, Angler fish, and Albatross.

 

Its real simple...people who don't want to honor their marriage vows shouldn't get married. If they want to have flings and screw around, then they shouldn't make a committment and shouldn't marry.

 

I agree. And there are some types who just can't stay faithful, even if they want to stay married, one woman or one man isn't enough. If that is the case, either see if the other spouse is OK with an openmarriage, or divorce. No point in cheating and lying, hurting and betraying your spouse. Or as bish said, don't get married in the first place.

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I don't think the extramarital affair is a problem, it is the dishonesty that I have a problem with. If a couple agrees to an open marriage, or even if they don't agree to an open marriage but agree that they don't much care/don't want to work on it, other person can do whatever, then fine.

 

But when one partner believes they have a committed partner, but that other partner--who orginally agreed to the deal--changed the rules without letting the other know, that's a problem.

 

I just don't like lies. They're hard as hell to get over.

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If a couple agrees to an open marriage, or even if they don't agree to an open marriage but agree that they don't much care/don't want to work on it, other person can do whatever, then fine

 

How many relationships of this type do you know of that are successful?

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How many relationships of this type do you know of that are successful?

Good point. You could probably count them all on one penis.

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Darth Vader
I find it interesting how often in the OW/OM portion of the forum that regardless of the topic it ends up with posters telling the OW how wrong they are and the OW’s defending themselves. I absolutely do not believe in monogamy so it seems kind of trivial to me.

 

More than once I’ve had a fling with a married woman. In every case I knew that they were married and never had any illusions of taking them away from their husbands. From my perspective, most women marry and stay married for financial reasons, a stable home, and to avoid being alone. The emotional attachments tend to not be about love but about one’s own security and stability.

 

With each MW they came to me for emotional support, to have someone to talk to. From my point of view, their affair with me was greatly beneficial to their mental well being. I don’t at all think that being tied strictly to one person is a good thing. A little someone different every now and then is probably a good thing.

 

There was one MW; her friend was well aware of what was happening. She told us once that she wished she had someone like me so that she could have an escape from her husband every now and then.

 

I’m sure MM are different but I just don’t see any intrinsic wrongness with having an extramarital affair.

 

 

Maybe you and Lizzy60 can get together and go bowling, you two are a perfect match!:eek:

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