Why did she take him back after d-day?

[forbidden fruit]

I am married and I know if my H cheated on me I would of packed his bags, called him taxi and said see you in divorce court. I know this sounds like a double standard and hypocritical, but I don't believe this is my xmm first time and I don't think it is last so why did she take him back.

 

Does she have such low self esteem, does she not want to be alone or is it because her last H cheated on her and she cannot accept that she may have some problems within herself. Maybe it is not her x and current h fault entirely and maybe she has something to do with it. I cannot stand people who cannot look in the mirror or laught at themselves and she is one of those people. it is so hard to look at them and know after d-day I am completely miserable and they can go like it was no big deal. Any thoughts?

[herenow]

Because just like you did what you wanted to do and MM did what he wanted to do, it's her life and she can do whatever she wants and probably doesn't care about you or how you feel. She has her reasons and they are none of your business.

 

I think the questions you should be asking are: Why is it that the MM keeps having affairs? What is it in him that can move on without caring how you feel? Why is it no big deal to him? What does his wife have to do with you or your affair, and the fact that you are now hurting? Why does he continue to go back to his wife? And, why did you have an affair with a MM? Is it because of your own lack of self esteem?

 

She may have packed his bags as you would and he is the one that begged to stay. You have no idea what is really going on because you only know what he wants you to know.

[JamesM]

There are going to be many reasons, but generally speaking I think it is easier to reconcile than to divorce. And if there are children, then even if there is a divorce, she will still have to face him.

 

For many the pain and public admission of "failure" is more difficult than simply pretending that "it isn't so bad." Reconciliation leads to life as it was in most people's minds. However, they soon find out that unless all of the problems from the affair are not resolved, then nothing will change and life remains privately filled with pain and a private realization that "I have failed."

[annabelle75]

I am married and I know if my H cheated on me I would of packed his bags, called him taxi and said see you in divorce court. I know this sounds like a double standard and hypocritical, but I don't believe this is my xmm first time and I don't think it is last so why did she take him back.

 

Does she have such low self esteem, does she not want to be alone or is it because her last H cheated on her and she cannot accept that she may have some problems within herself. Maybe it is not her x and current h fault entirely and maybe she has something to do with it. I cannot stand people who cannot look in the mirror or laught at themselves and she is one of those people. it is so hard to look at them and know after d-day I am completely miserable and they can go like it was no big deal. Any thoughts?

 

My MM's BS also had a previous relationship where she was cheated on and eventually left with a child to rasie on her own. When MM cheated on her, she was desperate to make sure she "won" this time. She refused to let it happen again.

 

I've often wondered if she ever sat back and asked herself why she keeps choosing men that cheat on her or what is she doing that keeps resulting in her men cheating and leaving her.

[whichwayisup]

You're not inside her head, so who knows why she took him back. And you also don't know 100% for sure if he's cheated on her in the past, and if he did, if there was a D-day.

 

FF, why did your H forgive you? Why did you give you a second chance?

 

I know this has been hard on you, but wondering the what's and why's and how's about the exMM and his wife, is only going to drive you nuts. Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors.....

[norajane]

I've often wondered if she ever sat back and asked herself why she keeps choosing men that cheat on her or what is she doing that keeps resulting in her men cheating and leaving her.

 

Do you think that's how it works - that women subconsciously choose men who will cheat, or they do something to make them cheat? I don't think women do things that make men cheat - that is always a choice the cheater makes, and many men do not make the choice to cheat no matter what their wives do or don't do.

 

But I do believe there is some truth to the idea that women might choose men who are more likely to cheat, just like women often choose unsuitable men if the women themselves have commitment issues or fear of intimacy, etc.

 

Is that how it worked for you - did you subconsciously choose to be with men who turn out not be faithful - and if so, do you know why you picked a husband who cheated on you and a cheating MM who lied to you about being married? Is it related to fear of commitment or intimacy or something else?

[Meaplus3]

I am married and I know if my H cheated on me I would of packed his bags, called him taxi and said see you in divorce court. I know this sounds like a double standard and hypocritical, but I don't believe this is my xmm first time and I don't think it is last so why did she take him back.

 

Does she have such low self esteem, does she not want to be alone or is it because her last H cheated on her and she cannot accept that she may have some problems within herself. Maybe it is not her x and current h fault entirely and maybe she has something to do with it. I cannot stand people who cannot look in the mirror or laught at themselves and she is one of those people. it is so hard to look at them and know after d-day I am completely miserable and they can go like it was no big deal. Any thoughts?

 

FF, I am confused here? Did Xmm tell his wife he had and affair with you? I know your H know's, Just wondering?

 

AP:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have a feeling FF left a few things out of her confession to her H - her H likely has no idea exactly how far it went. I would say its likely the same for the MM and his W as well. I'm sure if the BS's knew EXACTLY what was done and said, things would be going down a little differently.

[Meaplus3]

I have a feeling FF left a few things out of her confession to her H - her H likely has no idea exactly how far it went. I would say its likely the same for the MM and his W as well. I'm sure if the BS's knew EXACTLY what was done and said, things would be going down a little differently.

 

I Know that FF's H know's but not mm's and the spouse thre is NO way! Did she telll you this or post it? I might have missed somthing?

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

You're not inside her head, so who knows why she took him back. And you also don't know 100% for sure if he's cheated on her in the past, and if he did, if there was a D-day.

 

FF, why did your H forgive you? Why did you give you a second chance?

 

I know this has been hard on you, but wondering the what's and why's and how's about the exMM and his wife, is only going to drive you nuts. Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors.....

 

My h knows about the ea, but does not know about the pa. the only reason I would not tell him is because i would lose my kids and then my xmm would be probably be dead and then xmm w would probably kill me . So I don't think I want to die and as much as I would love to see my xmm suffer I do not want to se my h and xmm in a fight.

 

I know my H would beat him to a pulp. He gave me a second chance because he loves me and he loves his family. He even told me good thing xmm is such a narcissitic ******* or else you probably would of been with him. He said I know you love him and I know he loves you, but he is staying in his m for the money and you would not be able to put up with him because he is a child. This all came from my H.

[forbidden fruit]

FF, I am confused here? Did Xmm tell his wife he had and affair with you? I know your H know's, Just wondering?

 

AP:)

My H knows i had a ea but does not know about the pa. Xmm has not told w about the a. She said to him it seems odd you two don't talk anymore and you act like you have broken up. She knows even though he has not told her.

[forbidden fruit]

I have a feeling FF left a few things out of her confession to her H - her H likely has no idea exactly how far it went. I would say its likely the same for the MM and his W as well. I'm sure if the BS's knew EXACTLY what was done and said, things would be going down a little differently.

Of course we both left some things out for the reason I mentioned above. I at least have told H about the ea where xmm has not told his w about ea and pushed it under the rug like we were friends who stopped getting along. If she only knew.

Boy do I feel like telling her rght now, but I never will. xmm wanted to keep A going but it was me who ended it because I knew she would eventually find out. He was so careless like he wanted to get caught and then he would of been out of his miserable M and I would of been thrown under the bus.

[whichwayisup]

Well, she's not stupid. I'm sure she's 'seen' you two together, just as your H has, and BOTH your H and exMM's wife probably have thought 'they're abit too cozy, but hey, they're neighbours and NO WAY in HECK would they have sex...' I could be wrong....I dunno.

 

So, all in all, she knows about as much as your H does. What you are saying about her, unfortunately can be applied to your husband.......Sorry, but that has to be said.

 

FF, it's time to take control here and decide once and for all that you're completely DONE with MMneighbour. Work real hard on NOT caring what he or his wife thinks, does, feels...Just focus on YOU. Get some counselling in to help you cope, get over the MM and fix yourself. Once you are able to do that, you'll be able to focus on your husband and marriage. But, until then, you're gonna be stuck in this holding pattern you're in now.

 

Stay strong FF. I KNOW you can get through this, but it's gonna take alot of hard work and rough days to do it.

[East of Jupiter]

My MM's BS also had a previous relationship where she was cheated on and eventually left with a child to rasie on her own. When MM cheated on her, she was desperate to make sure she "won" this time. She refused to let it happen again.

 

I've often wondered if she ever sat back and asked herself why she keeps choosing men that cheat on her or what is she doing that keeps resulting in her men cheating and leaving her.

 

You give the BW too much power. A woman can't "win" her man anymore than an OW forced the MM into an affair.

 

Again, I'm always surprised at the tone of anger toward BWs. It has never made sense to me. Why deride a woman for trying to keep her marriage intact? Her poor choices don't make her either stupid or a bad person anymore than an OW's mistake make her a slut.

 

It is not up to her whether it happens again or not. It is up to the man. And if the OW didn't see the MM for the snake in the sheets that he was what makes them think the wife would know? Afterall, he's at least been portraying himself as a good husband with her.

 

And why is it that when the man is going along with the affair he is wonderful but if he goes back to the wife he is a jerk?

 

Or ..

 

Why is he a jackass when he is with the OW but a good husband when he returns?

[forbidden fruit]

You give the BW too much power. A woman can't "win" her man anymore than an OW forced the MM into an affair.

 

Again, I'm always surprised at the tone of anger toward BWs. It has never made sense to me. Why deride a woman for trying to keep her marriage intact? Her poor choices don't make her either stupid or a bad person anymore than an OW's mistake make her a slut.

 

It is not up to her whether it happens again or not. It is up to the man. And if the OW didn't see the MM for the snake in the sheets that he was what makes them think the wife would know? Afterall, he's at least been portraying himself as a good husband with her.

 

And why is it that when the man is going along with the affair he is wonderful but if he goes back to the wife he is a jerk?

 

Or ..

 

Why is he a jackass when he is with the OW but a good husband when he returns?

I did not think my xmm was wonderful when were having the A in fact I thought he was an ass and I tried to end it. He is a bad H because he has not told his w the truth about why he is having A and the real reason he is with her. She is as much to blame because she could of stopped him from being so close to me.

 

She practically pushed us together to do things so she did not have to deal with him or her kid. She thought noone would want him let alone have a A with him because he is so messed up. This is what she told me. She would go to sleep while we had late night conversations as friends. If my h was getting that comfortable with someone else the red flags would be going off and that friendship would of ended.

[whichwayisup]

I did not think my xmm was wonderful when were having the A in fact I thought he was an ass and I tried to end it. He is a bad H because he has not told his w the truth about why he is having A and the real reason he is with her. She is as much to blame because she could of stopped him from being so close to me.

 

FF, once again, unfortunately, the same could be said about your H.

 

She would go to sleep while we had late night conversations as friends. If my h was getting that comfortable with someone else the red flags would be going off and that friendship would of ended.

 

CUZ she trusted you and her H as you two are neighbours!!! Last thing on her mind, just like your H, was "Geez, I better go check on FF and my H to make sure they're on the straight and narrow and not making out."

 

I know you're still hurting, but blaming exMM's wife for this situation isn't the right way of dealing with this.

 

He is a bad H because he has not told his w the truth about why he is having A and the real reason he is with her.

 

I like ya FF, you know that. So, you know me and abit of my tough love...I mean this in a caring way because you need to hear it. Until you tell your H everything, the whole truth, you can't bash MM about his choice NOT to confess to his wife. Also, you really don't know if MM has told you the truth of why he is with his wife. Honestly if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't believe A WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH. I'd assume most of what he told me was a lie, or made out to make HER to be the bad guy so he could choose to cheat on her. If life is that miserable, he should leave and divorce...He hasn't and won't do that.

 

She is as much to blame because she could of stopped him from being so close to me

 

Again, your H could have stopped you from being close to MM...

 

You and the MM created the affair, don't blame his wife and don't blame your H. I know you're pissed off, fed up, had enough and want life to be normal and good again...Only way to do that is accept things as they are NOW and do your best to work through it and move on.

[forbidden fruit]

FF, once again, unfortunately, the same could be said about your H.

 

 

 

CUZ she trusted you and her H as you two are neighbours!!! Last thing on her mind, just like your H, was "Geez, I better go check on FF and my H to make sure they're on the straight and narrow and not making out."

 

I know you're still hurting, but blaming exMM's wife for this situation isn't the right way of dealing with this.

 

 

 

I like ya FF, you know that. So, you know me and abit of my tough love...I mean this in a caring way because you need to hear it. Until you tell your H everything, the whole truth, you can't bash MM about his choice NOT to confess to his wife. Also, you really don't know if MM has told you the truth of why he is with his wife. Honestly if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't believe A WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH. I'd assume most of what he told me was a lie, or made out to make HER to be the bad guy so he could choose to cheat on her. If life is that miserable, he should leave and divorce...He hasn't and won't do that.

 

 

 

Again, your H could have stopped you from being close to MM...

 

You and the MM created the affair, don't blame his wife and don't blame your H. I know you're pissed off, fed up, had enough and want life to be normal and good again...Only way to do that is accept things as they are NOW and do your best to work through it and move on.

 

I hear what you are saying and she was the bad guy in some respect because we did spend alot of time together and she was very verbally abusive to him and degrating. My H even said he would not put with her crap for one minute

 

. I know for a fact he loves her, but would leave in a heartbeat if it were not for how much money she is worth plus he is very comfortable. Yes my h did try and stop me and we almost got divorced and no she never stopped him because if she would of stepped in earlier maybe the ea would of not happened.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did. For him to go back and act like everything is fine with his now is such a joke. I would really like to tell her the whole truth, but you right it is none of my business.

 

You have to know wwiu how much I am hurting right now and really I have no solution. Maybe I am mad I stopped the A. Maybe I should of kept it going . The only reason I stopped it was because I knew it was wrong and I knew it was wrong to hurt innocent people. To tell you the truth I wanted to find out what xmm was made of and I found out not alot.

[East of Jupiter]

My MM's BS also had a previous relationship where she was cheated on and eventually left with a child to rasie on her own. When MM cheated on her, she was desperate to make sure she "won" this time. She refused to let it happen again.

 

I've often wondered if she ever sat back and asked herself why she keeps choosing men that cheat on her or what is she doing that keeps resulting in her men cheating and leaving her.

 

I did not think my xmm was wonderful when were having the A in fact I thought he was an ass and I tried to end it. He is a bad H because he has not told his w the truth about why he is having A and the real reason he is with her. She is as much to blame because she could of stopped him from being so close to me.

 

She practically pushed us together to do things so she did not have to deal with him or her kid. She thought noone would want him let alone have a A with him because he is so messed up. This is what she told me. She would go to sleep while we had late night conversations as friends. If my h was getting that comfortable with someone else the red flags would be going off and that friendship would of ended.

 

This is interesting to me. There is another threat on jealousy. Why would one automatically assume that your friend and your husband will have an affair? Of course, that is exactly what I would worry about.

 

However, her trust should not be used against her. That's just my point. How do you figure she could have stopped him? Could someone had stopped you?

 

And why would you have an affair with a guy you thought was an ass DURING the affair?

 

He is not a bad husband for not telling his wife. He is a bad husband for having cheated on her. What he is doing now is self-preservation.

 

My best friend was always so open with her husband and I used to question her on how she could be so okay with her husband's antics with other women? She thought me silly.

 

She is presently step-mother to her husband's child with the OW. No, her husband didn't leave her and she has not left him either. She is struggling with it all. <shrug>

 

I don't trust many people anyway by nature and experience.

[East of Jupiter]

I hear what you are saying and she was the bad guy in some respect because we did spend alot of time together and she was very verbally abusive to him and degrating. My H even said he would not put with her crap for one minute

 

. I know for a fact he loves her, but would leave in a heartbeat if it were not for how much money she is worth plus he is very comfortable. Yes my h did try and stop me and we almost got divorced and no she never stopped him because if she would of stepped in earlier maybe the ea would of not happened.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did. For him to go back and act like everything is fine with his now is such a joke. I would really like to tell her the whole truth, but you right it is none of my business.

 

You have to know wwiu how much I am hurting right now and really I have no solution. Maybe I am mad I stopped the A. Maybe I should of kept it going . The only reason I stopped it was because I knew it was wrong and I knew it was wrong to hurt innocent people. To tell you the truth I wanted to find out what xmm was made of and I found out not alot.

 

I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting. It does sound like an odd marriage. But, one he chooses.

 

You were right to end the affair. Give yourself time to heal from the hurt. Because you are left holding the bag while he goes on with his life, you are left to figure this all out on your own. You will in time.

 

I sort of understand. I was hoodwinked by the OW and then stalked. She never told her husband so she got to go on with her fantasy life and face no consequences while I had to pick up the pieces of my life. I am sure she thought he got away with a lot but trust me he had to do a lot of work just to keep his family together and what he lost he can only partially regain. It is has not been easy for either one of us.

[justice]

Leave it alone and go on with your life. Do better things, be the better person.

[justice]

I know for a fact he loves her, but would leave in a heartbeat if it were not for how much money she is worth plus he is very comfortable. Yes my h did try and stop me and we almost got divorced and no she never stopped him because if she would of stepped in earlier maybe the ea would of not happened.

 

FF that statement right there should show you what kind of person this mm really is, I think any man or woman who would stay in a marriage or relationship for the purpose of the other spouse having more money is despicable....

[Meaplus3]

I know for a fact he loves her, but would leave in a heartbeat if it were not for how much money she is worth plus he is very comfortable. Yes my h did try and stop me and we almost got divorced and no she never stopped him because if she would of stepped in earlier maybe the ea would of not happened.

 

FF that statement right there should show you what kind of person this mm really is, I think any man or woman who would stay in a marriage or relationship for the purpose of the other spouse having more money is despicable....

 

FF that statement right there should show you what kind of person this mm really is, I think any man or woman who would stay in a marriage or relationship for the purpose of the other spouse having more money is despicable....

 

Justice, I could not agree with you more! FF, he's just like my xmm you know that! My xmm stay's because number one "She let's him do what he want's" and number two she makes the "Bulk" of the money! Soo very sad for Xmm's wife and for him! But what married man would not stay in a situation like this? One with moral's and a true respect for himself and his W? Mabey! but not the kind of Xmm that you and I have come across, that's for darn sure! You know I care about you FF and I only want what's best for you. So, I ask you this. What would truley make you feel closure to this A? I would love to know your thought's here.

 

AP:)

[stillafool]

He gave me a second chance because he loves me and he loves his family. He even told me good thing xmm is such a narcissitic ******* or else you probably would of been with him. He said I know you love him and I know he loves you, but he is staying in his m for the money and you would not be able to put up with him because he is a child. This all came from my H.

 

Here's your answer. W did it for the same reasons your H did.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My H even said he would not put with her crap for one minute

 

His wife is still lying to him and he puts up with that??? I'm not sure what could be worse.

 

Maybe I am mad I stopped the A. Maybe I should of kept it going .

 

 

 

To tell you the truth I wanted to find out what xmm was made of and I found out not alot.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did. For him to go back and act like everything is fine with his now is such a joke. I would really like to tell her the whole truth, but you right it is none of my business.

 

This boggles my mind. Are you not doing the same to a man that you just said stays with you because he "loves" you? How are you not made of the same cloth as MM. You are using someone else, just as he did. Why is it only justified when the betrayal isn't against you?

 

Here is your answer though in your own words...

 

She is as much to blame because she could of stopped him from being so close to me.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did

 

Well, there ya go! Its everyone esles fault that you are in this situation.

 

FF, I think you're mad cause you would have left and he wasn't willing for whatever reason. Now everyone should hurt as much as you, including the "responsible parties" who you hurt. I can't imagine why you question him staying with a woman who by his actions he admits that he doesn't love, when you are doing the same to your husband. Maybe both BS's should make this situation easier on both of you, course if they leave who will you blame for your indescretions then?

[vanilla chai]

I am married and I know if my H cheated on me I would of packed his bags, called him taxi and said see you in divorce court. I know this sounds like a double standard and hypocritical, but I don't believe this is my xmm first time and I don't think it is last so why did she take him back.

 

simple answer,the bw loves her husband and values her marriage

 

Does she have such low self esteem, does she not want to be alone or is it because her last H cheated on her and she cannot accept that she may have some problems within herself. Maybe it is not her x and current h fault entirely and maybe she has something to do with it. I cannot stand people who cannot look in the mirror or laught at themselves and she is one of those people. it is so hard to look at them and know after d-day I am completely miserable and they can go like it was no big deal. Any thoughts?

 

Did you have low self esteem when you were sleeping with her husband?