Feelings for the MM

[InfinitySymbol]

I was wondering to those of you that are involved with a MM or those that have been involved with a MM. What is your ideas on why the feelings are so strong towards him?

 

I have been in other relationships some long term some not so long. But I can honestly say I have never felt the intense feelings I have for my MM for anyone else.

 

I have talked to a few other women that I know who are involved in similar situtations and they have also agreed the feelings are very overwhelming and can in some regard be quite consuming.

[whichwayisup]

Because he is taken, is married and isn't available so the affair is more intense. There is drama, sneaking around...And, in normal relationships each person is INCLUDED in most aspects of the OP's life, where as in an affair, it's all fun stuff. Sex, excitement, etc., all the beginnings of a new relationship, yet it can't last due to the fact the MM is married.

 

I hope you do some reading in this section and gain some insight into what OW have gone through, and maybe it will make you think about ending your A with MM.

[quankanne]

maybe it's the forbidden factor of the whole relationship? and that you believe "it's us against the world"? I think those two things would heighten any emotions surrounding a situation ... because a regular, out-in-the-open relationship isn't going to possess the same kind of urgency.

[InfinitySymbol]

I cant say our relationship is based on any romantic dramatic fantasy. We talk all the time. We argue just like other couples about about pretty basic things.

 

Seeing each other isnt a problem. we see eachother every day for hours. We discuss issues just like any normal couple. Kids , bills, work.

 

We know eachother schedules continiously. Like I stated the talk. We know eachother movements ahead time and/or shortly when or after something arises.

 

After the length of time we have been together and issuses that we have faced i believe the honeymoon phase of the relationship has come and gone. But we will both agree that the feelings have only increased.

 

As hard as the relationship can be either one of us regret the feelings we have for one another

[precious1357]

There are relationships where the MM/OW/MW/OM have true and real feelings for one another. When a married person, who is not just screwing around, but happens upon a person that they come to love, for whatever reasons, the fantasy is short-lived, the "honeymoon' is short-lived because feelings and love have developed.

[InfinitySymbol]

TY precious seems to many people are heist in the judgement of the feelings between a OW and a MM. I do understand that there are those people out there that only care about the moment and getting a piece of the strange.

 

But you are so right there are those that become truly in love.

[Meranna]

Hi, I've been a lurker here for quite some time but finally decided to register and start posting.

 

I don't believe it is because of the "forbidden/secret/can't have this person" aspect of the relationship. I hear a lot of "legit" couples say the exact same things about their significant other. As a matter of fact, the forbidden and secret part of our relationship is what turns me off at times.

 

People make mistakes when they are young and get married for the wrong reasons. No one ever considers that the OW/OM may actually be the one who was right for them all along. That they just met at the wrong time in their lives.

[whichwayisup]

. No one ever considers that the OW/OM may actually be the one who was right for them all along. That they just met at the wrong time in their lives.

 

Then, why carry on the affair? If that is the person one is supposed to be with, END the marriage and GO be with that person. If two people truely are inlove and want eachother, then they'd manage somehow to make it work but by doing it the right way...Not by continuing an affair.

[Meranna]

I totally agree with you, I ended my marriage as soon as I started the affair. However, I got to bring my children with me. He on the other hand is struggling with the fact of losing time with his children. Yes, maybe he should have thought of this prior to starting an affair with me but I'm not going to pressure him into leaving for that reason, it's something he needs to come to terms with on his own.

 

How long will I stay in a relationship with him like this? I don't know, he knows that if it ever becomes too much for me I will move on.

[InfinitySymbol]

Then, why carry on the affair? If that is the person one is supposed to be with, END the marriage and GO be with that person. If two people truely are inlove and want eachother, then they'd manage somehow to make it work but by doing it the right way...Not by continuing an affair.

 

 

Thats one thing we do is make it work. We make every effort to be there for the other person.

 

Sometimes the right way needs time for other reasons. And I believe this is hard for some people to understand until you are in that position. And its also when you see the true feelings that there is for the other person.

[vivi]

meranna, i'm interested in knowing more about your situation. Did you and your MM discuss divorcing mutually? Or was your marriage on the rocks anywayy and you were set on leaving no matter what? Is your MM still saying he wants to divorce or is he hedging? And is he taking any ownership of your divorce?

In my sitch, my marriage was lousy and all I needed was a push...but the MM said he'd leave his wife after my turmoil was over. Yep, now he's hedging. I am wavering between feeling matter of fact, annoyed, furious, betrayed, indifferent, etc. It's very hard to deal with and I admire your apparent aplomb. How do you do it?

[Meranna]

meranna, i'm interested in knowing more about your situation. Did you and your MM discuss divorcing mutually? Or was your marriage on the rocks anywayy and you were set on leaving no matter what? Is your MM still saying he wants to divorce or is he hedging? And is he taking any ownership of your divorce?

In my sitch, my marriage was lousy and all I needed was a push...but the MM said he'd leave his wife after my turmoil was over. Yep, now he's hedging. I am wavering between feeling matter of fact, annoyed, furious, betrayed, indifferent, etc. It's very hard to deal with and I admire your apparent aplomb. How do you do it?

 

Hi Vivi

 

I was married young and in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I was struggling with the thought of hurting my kids with a divorce because I wasn't happy. I also just needed that push to get out. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I was afraid. Now I look back and realize it was the best decision I ever made for myself and my children.

 

Yes, I know he wants out of his marriage, I see him going through the same things I went through before I ended mine. The guilt of what divorcing would do to his children, how he would cope with not being with them everyday, etc. He's going through an emotional roller coaster also.

 

I guess I deal with it because I understand the situation he is in. I know he isn't there for his wife. If it was a matter of who he would rather be with in a relationship, I know hands down it would be me.

 

I want him to be happy, if that means staying in that crappy marriage for his kids then so be it. One day that may not be enough for me and I will move on. He understands this also because he only wants me to be happy, with or without him.

[quankanne]

Quote:

No one ever considers that the OW/OM may actually be the one who was right for them all along. That they just met at the wrong time in their lives.

 

Then, why carry on the affair? If that is the person one is supposed to be with, END the marriage and GO be with that person. If two people truely are in love and want each other, then they'd manage somehow to make it work but by doing it the right way...Not by continuing an affair.

 

my thoughts exactly – if your lover is "the one," why is there time wasted stringing along the lover and the spouse? Because if you're meant for each other, you should be taking steps to get rid of the barriers holding you back – not like the kids or the spouse had an input on the affair, why should they be a hold up in dissolution of the marriage/primary relationship? Not meaning to be cold here, but shouldn't the relationship with "the one" be first and foremost, simply because that person is right for the cheater?

 

how many posters who have been involved in an affair can say that their lover has left their spouses for them? Why do the cheaters stay when their obvious "right one" is out there doing his or her honest best to do right by their relationship? The only thing I can conclude is that one or both parties in an affair are hooked on the drama *even though* there are honest feelings involved and they deal with mundane things like bills and sickness and kids' schedules.

[Meranna]

"how many posters who have been involved in an affair can say that their lover has left their spouses for them?"

 

I would never want him to leave "for me". I want him to leave for his reasons.

 

I didn't leave my marriage "for him", I left because I knew I was no longer in love with my ex and he was no longer in love with me, I left for MY OWN reasons. We both deserved better and a chance to find our own happiness. Again, it was easier for me because I knew I would have custody of my children.

[quankanne]

I appreciate you pointing out that distinction. However, you are a rare exception, based on many of the posts on the 'Shack, a lot of third parties in an extramarital relationship seem to have a secret hope that their lover will "see the light" yet continue to put up with a dragged out affair just to have access to that person.

 

so it's discouraging to read "No one ever considers that the OW/OM may actually be the one who was right for them all along. That they just met at the wrong time in their lives," because that makes me wonder why the heck are they fooling themselves? They deserve better than to be kept in a secretive relationship ...

[Tomcat33]

Then, why carry on the affair? If that is the person one is supposed to be with, END the marriage and GO be with that person. If two people truely are inlove and want eachother, then they'd manage somehow to make it work but by doing it the right way...Not by continuing an affair.

 

Because unlike in a normal relationship where two people have the equal right to decide yes or no, the power in an A is had by the married person not the OP. There is a great inbalance in power. Something to consider before engaging in an A but often something that is realised after the fact.

 

Of course the OP has the right to walk away but more often than not the OP is too attached and waits upon the decision of the MP.

 

question is why give someone else so much power? Love? Hope? Blinded by attraction? even addiction? ...possibly all of the above.

[vivi]

Wish I knew, Tomcat. I don't know how the french do it....everyone has lovers on the side, and things go along for years. Here, it seems that everything always starts out spectacular, ohimgod I hit the jackpot, you're the whole package, the earth could end right now and I'd be happy, if anything ever happened to you how would I know, I haven't had sex with my wife in months, and then the goalposts move: I'd like to see you but I can't. Sorry, I didn't have a chance to read your email. I wish I had been able to see you earlier today, baby, is 1:00 a.m. too late for me to come over, yeah, your husband was really bad to you but my wife is a nice person....

We OW's are love junkies, and our MM's are our dealers. We get hooked from the great stuff at the start -and the dealers make sure we get the good, pure stuff at the start, too....and later, when the quality diminishes and it takes more and more to make us happy like at the beginning...more time, more attention, more real caring, phone calls returned in a snap......we still keep at it, and we keep ourselves going with the memories of the last good high. I think the addictive aspects of affairs really needs to be addressed.

[Meranna]

I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves.

 

I've been in your boat vivi, I really have. I've just come to terms with how things are and have decided that I'm ok for now. That if it ever becomes something that makes me unhappy I will move on. I always tried to figure out what I wasn't doing right to make him happy enough to leave, tried to figure out "that answer" to get him to finally up and move on. Until I realized his issues had nothing to do with me or his feelings for me, that he does love me and wants to be with me, it's just tearing his heart out to leave his kids.

 

I guess I've realized that he may never leave and that's ok, he's only hurting himself and I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore.

 

Stop worrying about what he's going to do and focus on yourself and what's best for you. Throw yourself into a new project or take a class, focus all your energy into that and find a way to make yourself stronger so you can move on if you need to, with or without him.

 

So many here suggest NC, I personally wasn't strong enough to handle that. Focusing my energy and attention into something else is making me stronger, I've stopped nagging him about when he's going to leave. Who knows, that may be the kick in the butt he needs, and if not, then so be it.

 

Love yourself first and love will come to you

[vivi]

thanks meranna. I thought he loved me and wanted to be with me. now things are not so clear. it hurts.

[Tomcat33]

I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves.

 

.

 

Love yourself first and love will come to you

 

Well with all the respect I can muster, please speak for yourself. I was 100% happy whith my life with where things were going with who I was and with how I felt when I met my ex guy. So I don't agree with that at all.

 

I fell in love, it just so happened to be with someone who was not completely available, and I was naive enough to hold on for almost a year waiting for him to take the final plunge only to prolong my own agony. He was smart enough to play on the one thing I wanted the most,a child and he took that an ran with it, making false promises around the beutiful children we would have heck towards the end of the rel we were trying to get pregnant. I want a child more than anything, more than I want the security of a permanent man. Rels dies and have expiriy dates, a child is forever, god permitting. He also gave me an incredible opportunity to further an aspect of my career he knew was my passion, it was the one thing that brought us together we met through our professional aspirations.

 

Was I looking for someone else to make me happy, NOT AT ALL. I was quite happy with my life until he came into it. Were there aspects of it that could have been furthered, well of course, that is what living and progressing is...developing and extending certain aspects of your life in order to keep growing.

 

While I was feeling great while in love, I felt ridiculously BAD for being with him. So one day I had enough and stopped the pain. And here I am today back in my happy life almost opne to open my heart again to fall in love (with an emotionally available man, this time that is). Never again will I engage in a rel with someone who is not 100% over their last rel.

 

Wish I knew, Tomcat. I don't know how the french do it....everyone has lovers on the side, and things go along for years. Here, it seems that everything always starts out spectacular, ohimgod I hit the jackpot, you're the whole package, the earth could end right now and I'd be happy, if anything ever happened to you how would I know, I haven't had sex with my wife in months, and then the goalposts move: I'd like to see you but I can't. Sorry, I didn't have a chance to read your email. I wish I had been able to see you earlier today, baby, is 1:00 a.m. too late for me to come over, yeah, your husband was really bad to you but my wife is a nice person....

 

Vivi: I agree, I TOTALLY agreew with your the french sure do know how to do it, we here get way too emotional and serious about things.

I agree with how things start and then fizzle off into almost nothingness and all because the one in charge is he who makes all the false promises and he then takes them away. I can relalte to your post on some levels though my situation was siginificantly different in that he was seperated and living on his own, the over zealous pursuit at the beginnnig was the same then it excuses happend on why he could not take the last step. So tired of that I cut him out for good. Of course he is still not happy he is back home living out the life he so hated and so wanted to get rid off when he moved out in the first place, and spends his days thinking of me reminscing of what we had and still in love. But chooses to stay.

 

So really why we do this to ourselves is love, trust in somoene who is not worth our trust and most of all because we, unlike the french, go into it with the hope of the bg picture, not to become lifelong mistresses. In France the women go into it knowing they will be misstresses and here I am sure some women too, but for the most part for the women that seem to come here to Loveshack it appears we had not intentions of EVER bieng that, but the intensity of theses men's lies was so strong that they wrapped us up in it and we CHOSE to believe them. We had hopes and dreams that never materialized thanks to them, and so the fall is very hard. Had we gone into it with no expectactions as a true mistress does, then we would be all laughing about our experiences probably comparing sex stories. But we all know it was NOT about that.

 

 

I dunnow about you but I learned my lessons nice and hard it will stay for me for the rest of my life.

[Meranna]

I don't know your situation sweetie, everyone's is different. I'm just trying to help and help myself by sharing mine.

[Tomcat33]

Marenna: I can appreciate you don't know my particular situation but when you make a statement like "I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves."

you are making a statement about situations you don't know about other people.

 

I know we all try to make sense of what has happened we just need to be careful to speak for ourselves and not for others

 

Just wanted to indicate that was maybe your situation but it wasn't mine. no offence intended.

[Meranna]

Marenna: I can appreciate you don't know my particular situation but when you make a statement like "I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves."

you are making a statement about situations you don't know about other people.

 

I know we all try to make sense of what has happened we just need to be careful to speak for ourselves and not for others

 

Just wanted to indicate that was maybe your situation but it wasn't mine. no offence intended.

 

I've lurked here for almost a year and some situations I do know and have learned a lot from. I never directed that to anyone in particular, it is just the impression I have gotten from reading here. I never meant to offend you or implicate you as who I was speaking of. Your story is one I haven't followed closely but I do read a lot of what you post and tend to agree with you.

 

I thought this would be the right time to introduce myself but I may have been wrong.

[vivi]

yeah, the french do it right, all right. Every institution -church, school, public life - all acknowledge that people do stuff on the side.Not here. I guess the thing that is hardest to take is how the goalposts shift.

That, and the meaningless promises that cost nothing for the MM's to make. Taking time to visit his parents and then "maybe you'll meet them some day." When his folks came to NYC last year he tried to figure out how I could meet them "I can't wait to show you off." he said. I wish we women could figure out a place in our hearts and minds for this, as the french seem to have done. I am considering redefining my relationship. I know his wife is there, but I am uninterested in any details. I don't want to know that you can't make it sunday because you have to go to brunch. like that.

[Tomcat33]

I've lurked here for almost a year and some situations I do know and have learned a lot from. I never directed that to anyone in particular, it is just the impression I have gotten from reading here. I never meant to offend you or implicate you as who I was speaking of. Your story is one I haven't followed closely but I do read a lot of what you post and tend to agree with you.

 

I thought this would be the right time to introduce myself but I may have been wrong.

 

 

No no no Meranna don't say that of course this is a good time to introduce yourself and join in, don't be silly I was not trying to discourage you from posting I was just countering your observation so please don't take that personally, just because I disagreed with your point of view it does not mean you cannot voice your opinion. Now is as good a time as any.

 

So let's try this again:

 

Welcome to the OW/OM forum Meranna, I'm Tomcat pleased to meet you (even though we all may not agree at times we are all here for the same reason to help and get help)

 

Vivi...ahhh the old meet the parents. Yes mine went as far as letting me meet them...still haven't figured out FOR WHAT?!?!?

 

 

Anyway to counter your point on figuring out how the french do it, I suppose it's all in what you want for yourself. If becoming a mistress is something you can see doing once you master the emotional aspect of it...well the more power to you. Personallly I have no desire to figure out how to be the perfect little mistress...I know it works for some but I have living proof it does absolutely nothing for me.

 

Can I ask you something though: sometimes, and I have had friends like this, women tell themselves well if I can't have him to commit I will just master the art of the "booty calll". you know sometimes there are those men who don't want to commit, and so a woman will settle for being the "fun last minute girl" in order to keep having him in any which way she can...so these women convince themselves to enjoy being something they are not, simply to keep a particular man in the picture. Rarely do I see women master that and enjoy it with no alterior expectations, well Lizzie (hope you don't mind I made reference to you Liz, if you are out there...) she seems to be one of those women who has mastered it and truley doesn't expect or want more from any particular man, and I admire her for her strength...but most us women tend to be too emotional...

 

Again just an observation...feel feel to jump in f you are more like Lizzie than the rest of us emotional cases :laugh: