Jump to content

Deeply hurt by MM


Recommended Posts

sweetgirlluv

I am in love with a married man for the first time in my life. I am in my early 30s and I am divorced and have one child. I met somone about 6 months ago and we had a friendship at first. I have always known that he is married and never had any intention at all of falling in love with someone already committed to a wife and children. So we became intimate with each other a few weeks after meeting and spent almost everyday together since the time we met. I have been single for a few years and have not been involved with another man since my divorce. I guess that I have been very very lonely for a long time now but I really didn't realize it until I began to develop feelings for this married person. We have had great times together. He has been like a best friend to me. Our children have played together before and we both have daughters. He was very kind and sweet and fun and loving. My daughter has even become attached to him as I have. I feel so horrible for introducing my child to a person who was just going to walk away. Well, because of his career and his wife, he has told me a few weeks ago that he cannot continue to go forward with our relationship in this way because I am too much of a distraction. That has deeply hurt me in many ways. I have been suffering greatly since and am having such a hard time letting go. I know that just moving on is the best and most healthly thing for me but it is so hard. Being with someone daily and going through so much and then for that to just totally stop has been devastating. I have expressed these feelings in many conversations to him but to no avail. I cannot focus at work, I cannot sleep or eat. I dont know why I let myself feel this deep love for him and I wish I could just turn it off because it is killing me inside but I can't put it out of my head. Please help, please offer me sincere advice because I am at a total loss. How do I just move on and forget all of this?? I tried really hard to not fall in love with him. I don't know why I let myself ever even become friends with him in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am going to be single within a month for the first time in 13 years.

 

My rules on dating will be the following:

 

1) Never date anyone that cheated on their spouse or boyfriends if you know about it

 

2) Cheat on me once, and its strike one and your out

 

this should be your rule as well. Why date someone you know is a lousy cheater? Granted you can't always tell, but if they are married and cheating on their spouse, they'll cheat on you too.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAtLast

Sweet girl....

 

I am sorry that you are hurt. No advice as to how to do it, but you know that you must move on and find someone who will be yours exclusively. Take it one day at a time, keep yourself busy.

 

As for Bish, I take offense to that generalization once a cheater always a cheater. While generally it is probably true, I cannot believe that I am the only anomaly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BurriedAlive

Hi SGL. The first thing that I suggest you do is find a good therapist who can help you. I did this immediately after D day and it just helped talking to someone and hearing someone elses opinion. Secondly, surround yourself with a good support group. Family, Friends, etc... will help you get through this. You may want to be alone right now but make yourself be in the presence of others who love you. When you feel really bad, write your feelings down in a journal or something like that. I have about 10 different versions of a goodbye letter (that I never sent) that I wrote xMM since the breakup. It really helped me get through it. The most important thing right now is being okay because your little girl deserves more than 1/2 a mommy! I am divorced myself and have a 3 1/2 year old little boy who probably wonders what happened to his mommy. This is unlike any pain that I have ever felt in my life. Finally, keep posting and reading on LS. I am here to tell you it gets better! While I still feel awful 3 months after, I am still 200% better than what I was 3 days after. And I can see improvement everyday. I still have bad days, don't get me wrong, but they are getting fewer by the week.

 

Take care, you will get through this!!! ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady

I think you should probably talk to your doctor and see if you can try an anti-depressant...the reason I say this is that I have a friend who had a R that didn't work out...she was devastated and it affected every aspect of her life...she wasn't able to work through it (it took her 2 years) until she started taking medication and it helped her tremendously...She's back to her old self again...

 

It's worth looking into...

Link to post
Share on other sites

hi, sorry for your pain, but do you see? there are two ways: either stay with him or leave him

 

* stop seeing him: devastating. But after a while you will get better

 

* stay with him: devastating + great pain + humiliation + damaging self-esteem day by day + guilty + sorry for the wife= nothing left for you

 

Either way you would suffer, but which is lesser?

 

Seems you fall deeply in addiction of love. You can get out. As long as you get out, you will feel much better than now you just ponder what if, what if, what if.

 

See, he is not the source of love. You feel like he is, but he isn't. He isn't like air, like water. You can live without him. A person overly rely on another isn't healthy, it becomes burden and bondage

 

And find your source of love in God and exchange the love with another wonderful single man, that would be wonderful :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

As for Bish, I take offense to that generalization once a cheater always a cheater. While generally it is probably true, I cannot believe that I am the only anomaly.

 

If you did it once you can do it again.

 

Cheating is like alcoholism. An alcoholic can never let liquor touch their lips ever again, but they really want a swig bad.

 

Same with cheaters. They may make good on a promise to never cheat again, but deep down, they want to bone someone else other than the person they are committed to.

 

Sorry if it offends you, but there isn't a cheater out there that deserves a 2nd chance. I found that out first hand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sweetgirlluv

Thank you to everyone who responded with the great advice and support. I appreciate the time that you took to read my thread and offer your knowledge on this subject. I am taking things day by day and I am hopeful that I will be back to my usual self soon. I know that this will take time but I do have a lot of support from family and friends to help through this transition.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
Thank you to everyone who responded with the great advice and support. I appreciate the time that you took to read my thread and offer your knowledge on this subject. I am taking things day by day and I am hopeful that I will be back to my usual self soon. I know that this will take time but I do have a lot of support from family and friends to help through this transition.

 

Just take your time...It'll get better...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you to everyone who responded with the great advice and support. I appreciate the time that you took to read my thread and offer your knowledge on this subject. I am taking things day by day and I am hopeful that I will be back to my usual self soon. I know that this will take time but I do have a lot of support from family and friends to help through this transition.

 

If you were able to get over your ex-husband and the end of your marriage, certainly you are strong enough to get over a man you've only known for 6 months.

 

I don't care how much you saw of him while your kids were playing, he went home to his wife every night and somewhere deep down inside you, you always knew that he was just a fantasy for you, and not the real thing, not genuine love. You enjoyed the fantasy, pretending you were a happy little family together, you fell in love with your dream...not the reality of being with a man who had a whole life that excluded you. Please understand you are grieving the end of your fantasy, not the loss of the man.

 

You'll be fine. You are strong enough to let this go if you were strong enough to end a bad marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAtLast

I take offense to generalizations.

If you did it once you can do it again.

 

 

 

Now that is funny!! I can assure you my good man that that is not even the remotest of possibilities. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I take offense to generalizations.
If you did it once you can do it again.

 

 

 

Now that is funny!! I can assure you my good man that that is not even the remotest of possibilities. ;)

 

Well thats good if you believe that.....if I ever date anyone I found out had cheated in the past...I wouldn't stay with them long. Not a chance I'm willing to give.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAtLast

Bish - I can understand that you have been hurt and are not willing to give second chances.

 

I never asked for nor wanted a second chance with my XW. I was no longer in love with her and very much wanted to be with my love, my then-OW, now wife.

 

We have been happily married well over 30 years now, actually closer to 40. I have never even entertained the idea of cheating, as I would never do anything to hurt her. For many years I have been lucky enough to be married to my best friend. She still takes my breath away when she enters a room. To cheat on her would be unthinkable to me. (Not to mention that that I am too darn old :) for that kind of stuff anyway)

 

Edited to add: Why am I telling you this? Again, these are just the ramblings of an old man, but, don't be jaded by what your wife has done. I am not suggesting that you take up with a "cheater" but unless someone is truly a serial cheater, the fact that they cheated in one relationship is not a guarantee that they will cheat in another. All relationships are different. And, not that it has ANYTHING WHATSOEVER to do with my cheating, my XW did cheat on my within the first five years of our twenty year M. I do know how you feel.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...