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Hurt & Alone

I am hoping that someone can provide me with some insight of how to cope with the current situation that I have found my self in. I will try to keep this as short as possible. I guess I orginally posted in the wrong forum and it was suggested that I come here.

 

I have known this MM for 7.5 years, actually he is my boss. Throughout the years he has witnessed my failed relationships, including my divorce (2 years ago). For the most part we did not communicate very much, at least up until the last nine months maybe.

I am not to sure when he started becoming interested in me, I could never pin point a time frame, but sometime after he knew that my ex-husband and I could not work things out. He would joke with me about a dress I wore once. It was a little to revealing for office attire, but; I did not realize that until after I wore it and seen it in a picture. It was later known as my “booby dress” (have not wornit since). We joked back and forth about it and then one day I thought I had pissed him off in the middle of a staff meeting when a question came up about the dress attire for an upcoming event. I was a smart ass and brought up dresses. Anyway, after I sent him an e-mail (I think) apologizing about it. He replied back that he had no problem with the dress, but it was not for work and he would have told me sooner but he didn’t want me to consider it sexual harassment. The discussion continued the next day outside, when he said he wanted to see a picture of me in the dress. I did not take him serious so throughout the day we e-mailed each other joking about it. After much talking about it I sent him the pic of me in the dress. He replied he wanted to see more. I thought I would be cute and show a little more, thinking I would turn his face red. But then he replied again more. I obliged (of course this was all in fun, or so I thought).

This started our daily and nightly text messaging. In our conversations many things we said to one another, to tell you the truth it flattered me and turned me on at the same time (deep feeelings were not supposed to happen). One thing led to another and the next thing we knew we were seeing each other a lot. I loved being with him and he said he wanted to be with me. I should add here that he never once said he would leave his wife and I knew he would not but, I never expected him to. I told him this many time “it is what it is” and we both knew when I found someone or he walked away it would be over. Feelings for one another developed or at least on my part even though I fought the truth back for awhile. He stated in many different forms that he cared for me. One day we were out and I knew he was frustrated and I told him to walk away from me because I could see him suffering. His words to me were “I cant walk away from you because we work together and I would see you everyday and it would hurt me not being with you” I replied to him “What does that mean” and he stated “I guess I love two women”.

 

Many things long the line was stated. I knew I looked forward to any time that we could be alone together and he would go out his way to see me when he could. This relationship took place over a 3.5 month span (physical relationship). One day I received a phone call from his wife and it has been living hell since that day.

She has called me multiple times, sent many text messages pretending to be him and has even showed up. Even though they had started counseling she wont things rest. She has begged me to take him in. I told her no (even though I would in a second). Seven weeks later hell gets worse.

My problem is that now he won’t look at me, acknowledge me anything. Almost like this is my fault. It bothers me because of the feeling I continue to have. It bothers me that he gets hell at home, comes into work and gets it from me (because of her constant communication). She has sent me flowers twice to the office from him and once so far from me to him. We both know each other is not doing it. He had send things in the past and done things in the past that I can not just flip a light switch and turn off and this is what he is doing. She has even stated that we had a relationship and her husband does not do a fling. I think she knows how he felt even though I would try to protect him and make it less than what it was. The relationship is over event the friendship we once had.

Memories that continue to haunt me include the things he would say to me, the way he made love to me, hold me and treat my three year old daughter. I believed that he had feelings, what I do not understand is shutting them off nor can I deal with him purposely avoiding me. Yes the relationship is done but I think I deserve more than how he is currently treating me. Every moment of every day I continually think about our past moments. It hurts but I can cope until she has contact with me again and it is like re-opening wounds. I can’t move on and I especially can not handle the no communication. He stated we had to go back to just co-workers and had to forget about knowing each other the way we do, but co-workers as we were before does not exist. Please advise how to deal with this.

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Hi, is it possible you find another job? Be strong and Leave him! down this road there is nothing but destruction and pain.

 

By the way you shouldn't feel flattered when your boss cheated with you, but feel insulted. Yes, he is your boss, but that doesn't mean he is a better human being than you.

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Hurt & Alone

Unfortunatly I am stuck at the moment in my current position. i would like to transfer out but there is a hiring freeze and I have to think about supporting my child. I feel completly used now but at the same time I carry emotions that are out of control. The relationship has ended and i know it will never happen again. i have learned a valuable lesson in all this and now is trying to understand what happened, why, and how he could have used me the way he did.

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Okay, maybe quit job is not a good idea. I am sorry the pain you feel. The bright side is the period you involves with him is short.

 

You have to stop seeing him even he comes back to beg you and says he will pick the moon for you. NO. As long as you stand your ground firmly, you will feel a little bit better each day. Due to his wife's anger, probably she will direct anger to you for a while. But it is ok, we made mistakes, we took responsibility of consequences, but the good thing is we learn from it.

 

And you always can take refuge in your good clear conscience, if you believe in God, just let God deal with this situation, take refuge in God. and talk to God what you feel.

 

Be still, do nothing, and everything would be ok. You deserve a single wonderful man.

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My problem is that now he won’t look at me, acknowledge me anything. Almost like this is my fault...

 

The relationship is over event the friendship we once had...

 

I believed that he had feelings, what I do not understand is shutting them off nor can I deal with him purposely avoiding me...

 

He stated we had to go back to just co-workers and had to forget about knowing each other the way we do, but co-workers as we were before does not exist. Please advise how to deal with this.

 

H&A, this really resonates with me, as I was almost EXACTLY in your shoes about 15 years ago. He was one of the bosses at work (though not directly to me), and we were friends for a lo-o-o-o-ng time (6 years) before the A happened. And it was HELL for me when it ended, even though I didn't have to go through what you did with the W contacting you. Other than that, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

And it was a long, slow, burning Hell for me, for 2 years afterwards. I couldn't BELIEVE how easy it was for him to just cut it off like that, like nothing significant ever happened between us.

 

The ONLY reason why it took 2 years for me to move forward was that I HAD TO SEE HIM EVERY DAY. I found it impossible to be able to put it behind me because of that. I couldn't get away from him! And what made it far worse was, I had to put on my professional face and ignore the agony of what I was feeling inside. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. For 2 years. It was horrible.

 

Unfortunatly I am stuck at the moment in my current position. i would like to transfer out but there is a hiring freeze and I have to think about supporting my child.

 

As long as you stand your ground firmly, you will feel a little bit better each day.

 

I disagree. I stood my ground for 2 years, and it didn't get any better. I finally decided I couldn't live like that anymore, and made it my sole purpose in life to GET OUTTA THERE, find another job with a completely different company.

 

My survivor instinct just kicked in one morning (I don't think anything in particular triggered it), and I knew that unless I got away from him, I wouldn't survive.

 

It was the best thing I've ever done for myself, and I regret that I didn't do it sooner (like, the day after the A ended!!). I highly recommend it for you.

 

For me, it was the ONLY WAY out of the pain.

 

I can tell you (since I'm 15 years past it) that it DOES get better. Way better. Sure, there's always going to be up's and down's in your life. But there haven't been any down's like that for me since. That was the worst.

 

And yes, I have found myself in the same position since then, where I get close to a MM at work (usually a boss), and I'm tempted. I can tell you unequivocally that it's WAY better not to act on the temptation. I treasure my friendships with these men, and they treasure mine. Not to mention their help with my career!

 

And I've had several wonderful BF's in my life over the years. OUTSIDE of work.

 

I learned my lesson the hard way -- "Don't sh*t where you eat."

 

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. But my overwhelming recommendation to you is, GET OUTTA THERE. Like YESTERDAY!

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BurriedAlive

Hi H&A! You may want to go and read what happened to me after D day. I was in much of the same situation as you are. The best piece of advice I can give you is get the he!! out of there!!!!!!! The price you will pay is way to high if you don't. I also know exactly how you feel about his cutting you out of his life! I just posted about that the other day. After everything the two of you have been through he just goes and stops talking to you. How can he do that? My xMM did EXACTLY the same thing. It got so bad that he even refused to say good morning to me and his office was 2 doors down from mine. It was awful. And I think that is what hurts the most, isn't it? It's the feeling of being used and tossed away. But it's like TomCat said in another thread, he is doing everything he can to save the fort! Hang in there!

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GreenEyedLady

I think you should seriously look at getting another job, if it's affecting you that much...Do you have an Employee Assistance Program at work? They might be able to find you a comparable position in the company so you wouldn't have to work with him everyday...

 

As for the no contact, you must respect it...He chooses to end your R, you have to respect that it's over...You'd want him to understand that it's over if it was the other way around...It's something that you have to accept and move on...

 

As for the W if she's harrassing you, tell her that you'll call the police if she won't leave and if she keeps popping up, that you'll get a restraining order...There's anti-stalking laws for a reason...

 

I'm sorry you're hurt...But you can get through this...You just have to want to...

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Hurt & Alone

I wanted to thank everyone for thier replies regarding this matter. I know I have to get out of there because just the other day (Friday) we passed each other in the hall. I was walking with another boss from outside, after having a cigarete. He made a statement that it was hot out. All I could do is put my head down. The samething I have been doing for a few weeks now. His coldness though infuriates me. I walked in his office and asked what the hell did I do so wrong that you hate me. He rolled his eyes and turned around to look at me and said he didnt hate me. He stated the reason is that when he got home he had to tell his wife with a straight face that he had no contact with me. Yet for weeks if I am in another co-workers office talking buisiness he will walk in, realize I am there and walk out. He makes it so obvious now that I do not exist. Yet, all I can think about almost every minute of the day is all the s..t he used to say to me. A few of his lines that keep popping in my head are "I cant walk away it will hurt me too much. I am in love with you" and "I would be with you if I could" and the last thing he said before it all turned ugly on the day his w called me in a text after learning that she knew "for whatever it is worth I miss you". To no contact not even a glance. I again state I know it is over but i keep expecting normalicy that I guess will never happen.

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BurriedAlive

OMG, the similarities between our stories are amazing. xMM was real supportive with me as well for a few days after D-Day. He kept saying how sorry he was for telling W and that he didn't want to hurt me, etc.... Then as the days wore on, he did very much the same things as your MM is doing to you. In fact, I asked him the "what did I do to make you hate me question" too!! If you have read my posts, you know that in the end, I lost my job over this because xMM was a minor shareholder in the company we worked for and family member. You don't want to go through the pain and torture I was put through, so get out as soon as you can. I know the first day that I had off even if I was dealing with a million other things, life was just a little bit better because I didn't have to see him.

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Hurt & Alone

I have been able to take time off from work as well but for me it would just remind me of when we would take off together. No matter how much I have to do, he is there slipping into my mind no matter how hard I try to tune it out. I spent weeks trying to find a coping method when friends and family did not work. That is when I found this site. I have searched under your posts but can not find the orginal story. this experiance as the "eow" and being in any chat forum is new to me. By the way did your mm ever tell you that you needed shock thearpy to forget about what happened?

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BurriedAlive

If you click on my name and view public profile, you will be able to view all threads started by me. Look at "what happens when NC is impossible" and "should I tell the truth?" and the ones after that.

 

Anyway, until you are officially done where you know you are not going back to work, time off won't really help. WHen I did take time off when I was still working there, it just gave me more time to obsess about everything instead of throwing myself into my work. But once I was done there for god, it took about 1 week before I could start to relax. This means that there were no "new confrontations" or new times when MM ignored me or wouldn't talk to me or whatever so I only had the past to really think about. When I was still working, I really tried to make piece with him but when I went in his office to talk to him, he would tell me to leave, that he had nothing to say to me. If I would sent him an email, he would either not answer or reply back with something like "I am concentrating on work right now" which had nothing to do with the message I sent. When I tried to call him on the phone, he wouldn't answer. He also got really nasty where he would purposely disagree with me if we were in a meeting with other people or take cheap shots at me over emails that also went to other people. He was awful. Even just thinking about it now makes me sick to my stomach. To go from always being together to that was hard to swallow.

 

xMM didn't mention anything about shock therapy but he said that our affair was much like an addiction. When we would try to stop and we were together and I could tell that he wanted it, he would say that it was just like he was an alcoholic and he wanted a drink. He always said that he could stop at any time but when we did stop, he would start up again pretty quick.

 

LS has been a really good coping thing for me but the best thing I did was get the he!! out of there! By the way, I found a better job with better pay, etc.. that I start tomorrow! Trust me there is hope for you too.

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Hurt & Alone

Today, I walked into work and found an e-mail sent at 7:32 a.m. It was a pic of xmm sent from W's phone. So I forwarded it through work e-mail to xmm with the following message "X you know you should not be sending me this stuff. Why are you doing this?" Up Until this point he has stated that he feels like he is put in the middle of this and doesnt understand what we are fighting for? What the hell, does he honestly believe that I am fighting over him? Anyway, he replied stating it was not him. Stupidly not realizing that I now have a message (pic) sent from her phone # and a reply from him stating that it was not from him. Up until this point all the contact from her came from his #s.

I thought while driving to work this morning that it has been a week since she has contacted me and 8 weeks since she orginally found out. Maybe just maybe I will be able to move on with my life w/o her contacting me. I am still trying to deal with this situation myself. But no, of course she strikes again. At least now I have the proof that I may ultimatley need to get her to stop contacting me.

It is bad enough that I have to deal with knowing that men can supposidly shut off feelings like a switch and no longer think of the person that they led to believe that they truly cared about them. But to have the wounds opened continually. I know if I left my job and changed my # she would still find away to contact me. I want to tell her so bad that I do Love her H but he does not want me.

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I am hoping that someone can provide me with some insight of how to cope with the current situation that I have found my self in. I will try to keep this as short as possible. I guess I orginally posted in the wrong forum and it was suggested that I come here.

 

I have known this MM for 7.5 years, actually he is my boss. Throughout the years he has witnessed my failed relationships, including my divorce (2 years ago). For the most part we did not communicate very much, at least up until the last nine months maybe.

I am not to sure when he started becoming interested in me, I could never pin point a time frame, but sometime after he knew that my ex-husband and I could not work things out. He would joke with me about a dress I wore once. It was a little to revealing for office attire, but; I did not realize that until after I wore it and seen it in a picture. It was later known as my “booby dress” (have not wornit since). We joked back and forth about it and then one day I thought I had pissed him off in the middle of a staff meeting when a question came up about the dress attire for an upcoming event. I was a smart ass and brought up dresses. Anyway, after I sent him an e-mail (I think) apologizing about it. He replied back that he had no problem with the dress, but it was not for work and he would have told me sooner but he didn’t want me to consider it sexual harassment. The discussion continued the next day outside, when he said he wanted to see a picture of me in the dress. I did not take him serious so throughout the day we e-mailed each other joking about it. After much talking about it I sent him the pic of me in the dress. He replied he wanted to see more. I thought I would be cute and show a little more, thinking I would turn his face red. But then he replied again more. I obliged (of course this was all in fun, or so I thought).

This started our daily and nightly text messaging. In our conversations many things we said to one another, to tell you the truth it flattered me and turned me on at the same time (deep feeelings were not supposed to happen). One thing led to another and the next thing we knew we were seeing each other a lot. I loved being with him and he said he wanted to be with me. I should add here that he never once said he would leave his wife and I knew he would not but, I never expected him to. I told him this many time “it is what it is” and we both knew when I found someone or he walked away it would be over. Feelings for one another developed or at least on my part even though I fought the truth back for awhile. He stated in many different forms that he cared for me. One day we were out and I knew he was frustrated and I told him to walk away from me because I could see him suffering. His words to me were “I cant walk away from you because we work together and I would see you everyday and it would hurt me not being with you” I replied to him “What does that mean” and he stated “I guess I love two women”.

 

Many things long the line was stated. I knew I looked forward to any time that we could be alone together and he would go out his way to see me when he could. This relationship took place over a 3.5 month span (physical relationship). One day I received a phone call from his wife and it has been living hell since that day.

She has called me multiple times, sent many text messages pretending to be him and has even showed up. Even though they had started counseling she wont things rest. She has begged me to take him in. I told her no (even though I would in a second). Seven weeks later hell gets worse.

My problem is that now he won’t look at me, acknowledge me anything. Almost like this is my fault. It bothers me because of the feeling I continue to have. It bothers me that he gets hell at home, comes into work and gets it from me (because of her constant communication). She has sent me flowers twice to the office from him and once so far from me to him. We both know each other is not doing it. He had send things in the past and done things in the past that I can not just flip a light switch and turn off and this is what he is doing. She has even stated that we had a relationship and her husband does not do a fling. I think she knows how he felt even though I would try to protect him and make it less than what it was. The relationship is over event the friendship we once had.

Memories that continue to haunt me include the things he would say to me, the way he made love to me, hold me and treat my three year old daughter. I believed that he had feelings, what I do not understand is shutting them off nor can I deal with him purposely avoiding me. Yes the relationship is done but I think I deserve more than how he is currently treating me. Every moment of every day I continually think about our past moments. It hurts but I can cope until she has contact with me again and it is like re-opening wounds. I can’t move on and I especially can not handle the no communication. He stated we had to go back to just co-workers and had to forget about knowing each other the way we do, but co-workers as we were before does not exist. Please advise how to deal with this.

 

He stated we had to go back to just co-workers and had to forget about knowing each other the way we do, but co-workers as we were before does not exist. Please advise how to deal with this.

 

I can relate to this. Except Xmm has said we "just have to go back to being nextdoor neighbor's." It's almost the same as in the work place There's no Escape from your mm, I feel for you so much and I am sorry for your hurt. I would say to you "Switch job's" but that's not so easy, just like up rooting my whole family and moving away from xmm is for myself. Have you tried talking with a therapist about this?

 

AP:)

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Hurt & Alone

No, I had bothered my friends and family and got their advice and for some reason I was not getting any better so I searched the web for weeks and found LS. It seems to be helping some when I can read and respond to OP who have shared similiar exp. The therapist idea kind of scares me a bit. it is face to face and they can see who I am.

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I can tell you, I think about my MM (I'm a married OW) I don't return his phone calls, I act like I don't even know him at work, and I am getting a divorce! He is not getting Hell at home, he has to stare at this women, who I am sorry, he loves and cares for and watch her go through the worst pain you have ever seen. I am afraid my spouse is looking over my shoulder ready to kill himself if I so much look at him...and I rather "hurt" his feelings than kill my soon to be XH

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