TJ on telling the betrayed spouse, from the bs's view

[justice]

Hello everyone. I've been reading the tell/don't tell posts now for awhile and while I do agree with some of you, I would like to tell you what it's like from the other side, the betrayed spouse. For those who don't know, I was the betrayed spouse in my situation.

 

This is just my perspective on the whole thing but I'd like to put my two cents in for whatever its worth.

 

If the OW would have come to me in a calm and non threatening manner, I would have listened to what she had to say, and I would have decided what to do from there. But, it is also true, that in the early days of discovering my now xh's infidelity, I don't honestly think I would have believed anything the ow had to say to me, but would have believed my H over the OW. You do want to believe in what the man you love says, but in my case, I wanted to believe him but my gut instincts told me otherwise, so I dug for the truth until I got it.

 

After getting the truth, again, if the OW would have been willing to talk to me in a sane and calm fashion, I would have listened to her side of the whole thing and would have made my conclusions from there.

 

As it was, I didn't listen to her because of the way she did things, bashing in the windows of my car is not a good way to get me to listen to you.

Stalking me day and night and telephoning endlessly, raving about you and my H effing your brains out, is again, not a good way to get me to listen to what you have to say.

 

An honest, calm face to face conversation in a public place might have been the way to go, instead of the ow going crazy and me having to file for a restraining order to keep her away from me and my home.

 

Yes, I would have appreciated an open and honest talk with the OW, I feel like I had the right to know, regardless of who told me. That way, I would have been able to weigh what was said and draw my own conclusions from there, I certainly wasn't getting the truth from my H, he was lying his butt off and gaslighting both the ow and I from the start.

 

I feel like my ex h fed both me and the ow so many lies that it was impossible for either one of us to know what was true. He told her that he was leaving me, that I didn't want his sons, and did everything I could to keep his son's and him apart, which was not true. He also told her that he was "getting rid of me" Or "kicking me out so he could be with her." It never happened, he never once said anything to me about this, indeed, I don't know how he could as I was the only name on our lease and all the utilities were in my name alone. He even told her that she needed to be making arrangements to divorce her own husband because it would be any day now and I'd be gone and they could be together!

 

All the while, he was telling me that he had no idea why the OW was doing the things she was doing, ie, "We were just friends and she wanted more, but I wouldn't cheat on you." Riiight! That soon progressed to telling me not to pay attention to the ow because she was crazy, had obsessed about him to the point of getting herself fired from where both she and my H worked, truth was, the boss had talked to both of them earlier on and had warned them that behavior like what they were doing was not condoned or permitted and that he was going to let both of them go if it didn't stop. My H just got sneakier to where it looked like he had stopped seeing ow, ow was too emotionally attached to my h, and didn't heed her boss and was therefore, let go from her position.

 

My H became seriously freaked when I told him I was going to leave if things didn't stop. To prove to me how serious he was, he actually quit seeing the ow, and that's when she went right over the edge and all of the stalking began in earnest. H threw her under the proverbial bus and went and filed his own restraining order against the ow, I had already filed mine because the situation was becoming unbearable. Ow broke both orders, tried to see my H at work, came to our house and the police were called and she was arrested and spent some time in jail as well as having fines and having to explain it to her H, which I'm not sure what happened there, but I do know they are no longer together.

 

For awhile, I wondered if I shouldn't try to talk to her husband to see if he could stop his wandering wife from pulling all her stunts, I felt like he needed to know what she was doing and why. They had kids and I knew from researching things that he seemed to be a decent sort. But I never did and I often wonder what could have been prevented had I of done so.

 

But I can honestly say, from my humble point of view, I really wish that someone would have come to me and told me. I needed to know the truth so I'd know and would be able to make my own decisions.

 

My husband came close to telling me the whole truth but never did quite make it and to this day claims that he never once slept with her which I now know is not the truth. This whole thing could have been better or not happened at all if he would have owned up to it and been a man instead of trying to cover his own a$$.

 

Bottom line here, if you don't betray your marriage, or your spouse, you'll never have to worry or wonder about who's truth they will be hearing.

 

If you do the crime, be willing to pay the price.

[whichwayisup]

Geez, all I can think of is Fatal Attraction. I feel for you and all that you had to go through. Sucks big time that your H allowed her into your lives.

[Tomcat33]

Wow!! Thank you for that Justice. In all the time I have been on LS this is the first post from a BS spouse posted here that I find extremely helpful. I also want to thank you for posting your opinion in an inviting and respectful manner to the forum. You seem like a completely level headed woman and everything you posted made so much sense.

 

I think this post will truly help a lot of women who are at a crossroads for what to do and how to go about it. That's not to say a lot of BS would react in a calm manner as you would have, but to know that it can happen is really a good and sometimes women wake up late but wake up nonetheless and want to make things right.

 

It's funny that all the OW that turn psycho happen the be types of women men choose who are married to really level headed women such as yourself. Why??? What's wrong with these men??

 

Having said that, I'm sorry for what you had to go through, the OW in your case sounds certifiable.

[justice]

Geez, all I can think of is Fatal Attraction. I feel for you and all that you had to go through. Sucks big time that your H allowed her into your lives.

 

I know and thanks. I often asked him back then how he could have brought her into our lives. He never had an answer, not even when I told him that unless he told me the whole truth, I was leaving, to this day, I still have no idea what the whole truth was, only the conclusions I've come to after researching everyone involved. We are divorced, but what could have happened if he would have been honest with me? I don't regret the divorce, only not being told the truth from his own mouth.

[justice]

Wow!! Thank you for that Justice. In all the time I have been on LS this is the first post from a BS spouse posted here that I find extremely helpful. I also want to thank you for posting your opinion in an inviting and respectful manner to the forum. You seem like a completely level headed woman and everything you posted made so much sense.

 

I think this post will truly help a lot of women who are at a crossroads for what to do and how to go about it. That's not to say a lot of BS would react in a calm manner as you would have, but to know that it can happen is really a good and sometimes women wake up late but wake up nonetheless and want to make things right.

 

It's funny that all the OW that turn psycho happen the be types of women men choose who are married to really level headed women such as yourself. Why??? What's wrong with these men??

 

Having said that, I'm sorry for what you had to go through, the OW in your case sounds certifiable.

 

*laughs sardonically at the last bit* She was certifiable.

I wanted to post this because, hardly anyone ever posts on these tell/don't tell threads from the betrayed spouse's point of view. It needs to be said. I see no reason to be anything other than calm. How can you make a valid point and back it up by being hysterical? I don't know why men chose women like the ow in my case, my guess? Maybe it is the differentness, the danger of knowing that these type of ow could explode at any given point, and the cheating H thinks they are so good at lying that they can get away with it scott free, not caring who gets hurt in the process. It's a case of protect your a&& at all costs and to he)) with everyone else. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

[outofdarkness]

for a Great post! It is a place that is very hard for me to go, but need to at times...I totally agree that the MM is telling the OW one thing and the W another...Lies, lies, lies...

 

Of course, my situtaion is extreme, but one thing that STILL bugs the h---out of me is that he still insists that s-- was only o--- and that the last OW, that I am aware of that is, was just a phone and internet A...He STILL claims that he has never actually seen her and does not even know her "real" name...My guess is that he has a kid w/ her or something like that..There's some reason why he's so defensive and protective of her...Or mabey he loves her and THAT is why...Who knows what he told her...

 

Anyway, thanks again for the great post...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't know why men chose women like the ow in my case, my guess? Maybe it is the differentness, the danger of knowing that these type of ow could explode at any given point, and the cheating H thinks they are so good at lying that they can get away with it scott free, not caring who gets hurt in the process. It's a case of protect your a&& at all costs and to he)) with everyone else. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

 

I believe it's because they make easy targets. I also think you're right that its the drama and "danger" that keeps the adrenaline going for them. And yes, the power and control of "pulling it off". Single men looking for R's don't go for a lot of drama! I also think (in cases such as this) that it requires much less of an "investment" to sign them on than say an intelligent woman who isn't interested in living a "fantasy".

 

I took a class years ago on Gambling addiction. It was taught by a "recovered" gambler. Actually at the time I happened to have an aquaintace who was a BIG TIME gambler so I found everything he had to say extremely interesting. As the disorder progresses and starts to become an issue in their lives the THRILL comes from actually not gambling but from "pulling it off." That involves, finding the funds with which to gamble, hiding it from family and friends, as well as being seen in a "different light" by everyone he knows. Pulling off a double life. THAT becomes the thrill, not the money but the risk taking as it involves his personal life, not the risk or gain of money actually. I think that men in affairs (who have no intentions of leaving) are very much like those with serious gambling addictions.

[justice]

for a Great post! It is a place that is very hard for me to go, but need to at times...I totally agree that the MM is telling the OW one thing and the W another...Lies, lies, lies...

 

Of course, my situtaion is extreme, but one thing that STILL bugs the h---out of me is that he still insists that s-- was only o--- and that the last OW, that I am aware of that is, was just a phone and internet A...He STILL claims that he has never actually seen her and does not even know her "real" name...My guess is that he has a kid w/ her or something like that..There's some reason why he's so defensive and protective of her...Or mabey he loves her and THAT is why...Who knows what he told her...

 

Anyway, thanks again for the great post...

 

It sounds like you'll never get the truth. That's the point where I was before my divorce and I was so sick and tired of all of it. It is here at this point where you need to draw your own conclusions and investigate the whole situation as thoroughly as you can. YW on the posting.

[Meaplus3]

*laughs sardonically at the last bit* She was certifiable.

I wanted to post this because, hardly anyone ever posts on these tell/don't tell threads from the betrayed spouse's point of view. It needs to be said. I see no reason to be anything other than calm. How can you make a valid point and back it up by being hysterical? I don't know why men chose women like the ow in my case, my guess? Maybe it is the differentness, the danger of knowing that these type of ow could explode at any given point, and the cheating H thinks they are so good at lying that they can get away with it scott free, not caring who gets hurt in the process. It's a case of protect your a&& at all costs and to he)) with everyone else. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

 

Justice, Thank's so much for sharing your story from a bs's point of view I find it very hepful because of my ongoing struggle with the tempation to tell Xmm's wife thing's from my point of view. I think I've done a great job of keeping tight liped here with her living right nextdoor. I do not want to cause any further hurt so that's why I have not said a word. If I ever did say anything to his W it would be in a very calm manner, for I don't see what good would come from hysteric's. I do feel for this Xmm's wife because he claim's he is so happy in the M, yet became involoved in an ea with me and I am very sure other's as he has told me he talk's to lot's of lady friend's. Xmm said a few time's that he's very happy in his M because his W "let's him do what he want's", That's sort of sad in a huge way. All I can think is this. That his W just does not really care what he does in his spare time, and in that case it's very sad, another reason why my telling probably would not be of any help to her, because she would just sort of brush it off or perhap's they have an agreement that it's ok to have an ea with another woman but their line of "Cheating" per say is that of a physical one. At least I know the truth and fact's about what lead me to him and that was the state of my Marriage at the time. Really none of this should matter to me anymore because I do not want a thing to do with either one of them ever again and I mean that from the heart!

 

AP:)

[justice]

I don't know why men chose women like the ow in my case, my guess? Maybe it is the differentness, the danger of knowing that these type of ow could explode at any given point, and the cheating H thinks they are so good at lying that they can get away with it scott free, not caring who gets hurt in the process. It's a case of protect your a&& at all costs and to he)) with everyone else. Or at least that's how it seems to me.

 

I believe it's because they make easy targets. I also think you're right that its the drama and "danger" that keeps the adrenaline going for them. And yes, the power and control of "pulling it off". Single men looking for R's don't go for a lot of drama! I also think (in cases such as this) that it requires much less of an "investment" to sign them on than say an intelligent woman who isn't interested in living a "fantasy".

 

I took a class years ago on Gambling addiction. It was taught by a "recovered" gambler. Actually at the time I happened to have an aquaintace who was a BIG TIME gambler so I found everything he had to say extremely interesting. As the disorder progresses and starts to become an issue in their lives the THRILL comes from actually not gambling but from "pulling it off." That involves, finding the funds with which to gamble, hiding it from family and friends, as well as being seen in a "different light" by everyone he knows. Pulling off a double life. THAT becomes the thrill, not the money but the risk taking as it involves his personal life, not the risk or gain of money actually. I think that men in affairs (who have no intentions of leaving) are very much like those with serious gambling addictions.

 

 

Those are good points, what gets me is how they can go three D and think that they can actually get away free and clear, even when the wife has all the proof and exhibits it for them. That's usually when their anger comes out and they try to bluff it on through. I didn't fall for any of it, not the lies, not the three d and def not the anger, he knew if he tried anything I'd throw his ass in the clink so fast.

Like I said we are divorced now, I'm going forward alone, and loving who I am becoming, he lives at home with his mommy and family and is totally totally being babied by mommy. His relationships since me have only lasted a matter of weeks. He has called and begged me to take him back but I won't. He lied and cheated and for me that's the end of it. Why take back all the heartbreak just to go through it again? I won't. I am who I am and I like that person.

[justice]

Justice, Thank's so much for sharing your story from a bs's point of view I find it very hepful because of my ongoing struggle with the tempation to tell Xmm's wife thing's from my point of view. I think I've done a great job of keeping tight liped here with her living right nextdoor. I do not want to cause any further hurt so that's why I have not said a word. If I ever did say anything to his W it would be in a very calm manner, for I don't see what good would come from hysteric's. I do feel for this Xmm's wife because he claim's he is so happy in the M, yet became involoved in an ea with me and I am very sure other's as he has told me he talk's to lot's of lady friend's. Xmm said a few time's that he's very happy in his M because his W "let's him do what he want's", That's sort of sad in a huge way. All I can think is this. That his W just does not really care what he does in his spare time, and in that case it's very sad, another reason why my telling probably would not be of any help to her, because she would just sort of brush it off or perhap's they have an agreement that it's ok to have an ea with another woman but their line of "Cheating" per say is that of a physical one. At least I know the truth and fact's about what lead me to him and that was the state of my Marriage at the time. Really none of this should matter to me anymore because I do not want a thing to do with either one of them ever again and I mean that from the heart!

 

AP:)

 

 

Good luck to you AP:D Stick to your resolve and don't lower yourself into being his little thing on the side. That only empowers him. Maybe his wife just needs to be woke up regarding her husband? Turning a blind eye isn't going to get her anywhere but down. That in my opinion makes her a doormat. I think too, that every situation is different but my opinion on telling is always going to be to tell the betrayed spouse, the truth always comes out in the end anyway. Like I've stated before, if someone would have come to me with the truth, the whole thing might not have gone so far or done so much damage in all aspects of the situation.

I applaud you in ending things and in your resolve to stay away from mm and his w. Stay strong.

[Meaplus3]

Good luck to you AP:D Stick to your resolve and don't lower yourself into being his little thing on the side. That only empowers him. Maybe his wife just needs to be woke up regarding her husband? Turning a blind eye isn't going to get her anywhere but down. That in my opinion makes her a doormat. I think too, that every situation is different but my opinion on telling is always going to be to tell the betrayed spouse, the truth always comes out in the end anyway. Like I've stated before, if someone would have come to me with the truth, the whole thing might not have gone so far or done so much damage in all aspects of the situation.

I applaud you in ending things and in your resolve to stay away from mm and his w. Stay strong.

 

Thank's Justice! I do have a feeling that his W does live like a Doormat and perhap's that's ok with her, pretty sad but hey, She could have low self esteem and even be very afraid of him. I have heard that he tend's to be a control freak anyway. Since we all live so close there is a possiblity of this coming out somehow anway, who know's. Hopefully We will have moved on out of here before that happen's.

 

AP:)

[Trialbyfire]

Thank's Justice! I do have a feeling that his W does live like a Doormat and perhap's that's ok with her, pretty sad but hey, She could have low self esteem and even be very afraid of him. I have heard that he tend's to be a control freak anyway. Since we all live so close there is a possiblity of this coming out somehow anway, who know's. Hopefully We will have moved on out of here before that happen's.

 

AP:)

Answer, you might want to seriously consider why you are so torn between telling her or not. Each one of us has to be true to ourselves and if we're fighting something inside, we're always going to be unhappy with the situation.

[Tomcat33]

It sounds like you'll never get the truth. That's the point where I was before my divorce and I was so sick and tired of all of it. It is here at this point where you need to draw your own conclusions and investigate the whole situation as thoroughly as you can. YW on the posting.

 

 

The OW feels the same way, she never gets the truth from him either. The moment you find your own closure, you are at the pivotal turning point of recovery.

 

regarding the wanting excitement in their lives which is why these men get involved with psychotic women...

you want excitement go and bungee jump that's pretty exciting, and if the thing fails and your brain splats on the ground then at least you only hurt yourself when you jumped, give women a real reason to mourn you. LOL

[Meaplus3]

Answer, you might want to seriously consider why you are so torn between telling her or not. Each one of us has to be true to ourselves and if we're fighting something inside, we're always going to be unhappy with the situation.

 

Trial, Good point! I think the main reason I struggle with the urge to tell her is because it makes NO sense to me what so ever as to why this MM would have an ea with me and claim to be so happy with his W, seem's to crazy. Like I said my reason's were clear, I was lacking so much in my M when I fell into the ea. The fact that this MM claim's he talk's with other ladies seem's to me like she should know in a way thay her H is comitting emotional infeldity, because possibly this MM might take one of his ea's to the point of a pa and really hurt her and his family. Or better yet he could get hooked up with some single chick who does not have a family to loose and she could go "Ballistic"! Something is just not right with his game of deception he play's behind her back. Show's a true lack of respect IMOP. Mabey MM need's some therapy himself or perhap's it could steer them into MC, because like I said I just don't see how all is so right in their M. Now on the flip side here, I don't want to cause any more problem's or pain for anyone.

 

AP:)

[Trialbyfire]

Trial, Good point! I think the main reason I struggle with the urge to tell her is because it makes NO sense to me what so ever as to why this MM would have an ea with me and claim to be so happy with his W, seem's to crazy. Like I said my reason's were clear, I was lacking so much in my M when I fell into the ea. The fact that this MM claim's he talk's with other ladies seem's to me like she should know in a way thay her H is comitting emotional infeldity, because possibly this MM might take one of his ea's to the point of a pa and really hurt her and his family. Or better yet he could get invloved with some single chick who does not have a family to loose and she could go "Ballistic"! Something is just not right with his game of deception he play's behind her back. Show's a true lack of repsect IMOP. Mabey MM need's some therapy himself or perhap's it could steer them into MC, because like I said I just don't see how all is so right in their M. Now on the flip side here, I don't want to cause any more problem's or pain for anyone.

 

AP:)

Is it solely concern about everyone else or are you concerned for yourself? If you tell, it could cause a lot of grief for yourself due to social interactions within your community.

 

Sorry but I'm not much for denial.

[Meaplus3]

Is it solely concern about everyone else or are you concerned for yourself? If you tell, it could cause a lot of grief for yourself due to social interactions within your community.

 

Sorry but I'm not much for denial.

 

Well I am not concearned about what my community would think of me if I told, because I highly doubt the W is going to go around making it a huge public deal, at least I don't think she would unless she kicked his butt out the door and divorced him, however I don't see that it would happen. Second here, I don't even know MM that well as to what he might do? He's such a great lier and sneak what if he come's after me and my family? Or perhap's she does. So yes I am concearned for myself, but also my family.

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

Well I am not concearned about what my community would think of me if I told, because I highly doubt the W is going to go around making it a huge public deal, at least I don't think she would unless she kicked his butt out the door and divorced him, however I don't see that it would happen. Second here, I don't even know MM that well as to what he might do? He's such a great lier and sneak what if he come's after me and my family? Or perhap's she does. So yes I am concearned for myself, but also my family.

 

AP:)

 

You know AP, she might not even consider it an affair since it was only emotional and not physical...and wouldn't that upset you even more?

[Meaplus3]

You know AP, she might not even consider it an affair since it was only emotional and not physical...and wouldn't that upset you even more?

 

 

Gel, From what I have been told and read myself it's the "Emotional Affair's that tend to upset the Woman more than if it was just a physical thing. I'm sure a major double wammie would be finding about an ea combined with a pa. Anway let her continue to be deceived by her H. Telling her probably would not solve a thing anyway, perhap's mabey help for mm or the marriage? but I'm sure MM would back peddle and claim that there was not even an ea which would be VERY VERY far from the truth. BTW, if I catch the swine looking over my way ever again I will be sure to belt out "Your a Married Man", keep your eyes on your "W", LOL.

 

AP:)

[justice]

Gel, From what I have been told and read myself it's the "Emotional Affair's that tend to upset the Woman more than if it was just a physical thing. I'm sure a major double wammie would be finding about an ea combined with a pa. Anway let her continue to be deceived by her H. Telling her probably would not solve a thing anyway, perhap's mabey help for mm or the marriage? but I'm sure MM would back peddle and claim that there was not even an ea which would be VERY VERY far from the truth. BTW, if I catch the swine looking over my way ever again I will be sure to belt out "Your a Married Man", keep your eyes on your "W", LOL.

 

AP:)

 

That sure might make him think twice before having any more "lady friends" in the community again. LOL I can just picture it, you screaming that out and his wife coming up behind him in the doorway with a big cast iron skillet raised.......

[Meaplus3]

That sure might make him think twice before having any more "lady friends" in the community again. LOL I can just picture it, you screaming that out and his wife coming up behind him in the doorway with a big cast iron skillet raised.......

 

Ha!:lmao:But I can bet you it would not be a skillet of any sort because the woman does not cook so they probably don't own one LOL!

[frannie]

If the OW would have come to me in a calm and non threatening manner, I would have listened to what she had to say, and I would have decided what to do from there. But, it is also true, that in the early days of discovering my now xh's infidelity, I don't honestly think I would have believed anything the ow had to say to me, but would have believed my H over the OW. You do want to believe in what the man you love says, but in my case, I wanted to believe him but my gut instincts told me otherwise, so I dug for the truth until I got it.

 

After getting the truth, again, if the OW would have been willing to talk to me in a sane and calm fashion, I would have listened to her side of the whole thing and would have made my conclusions from there.

 

Hmm. But aren't you expecting the very very unlikely..?

 

I mean, any OW/MM combination who has ended things calmly and rationally and moved on ... the OW isn't going to be telling the W anything, out of feelings for the MM.

 

It's only an OW who feels let down, and ditched, or strung out and lied to by a MM who is going to tell the BS. Out of frustration, and vengeance, and other extreme emotions.

 

No OW in a good place is going to feel it her duty to tell the BS... rationally or otherwise, because she had a relationship with your husband, not you, and owes HIM her allegiance. Twisted though you may believe that to be, that's the case.

 

Besides which, as you say, very few BSs are really in the mood to listen to rationality from an OW. They're too busy reeling, and accepting what their WS has to say, because that way lies much less challenging of reality.

 

These things are just human nature.

[serial muse]

Besides which, as you say, very few BSs are really in the mood to listen to rationality from an OW. They're too busy reeling, and accepting what their WS has to say, because that way lies much less challenging of reality.

 

These things are just human nature.

 

Boy, does this kind of generalizing comment really piss me off. :mad::mad:

 

It's not even worth the trouble of refuting again and again and again ad nauseum, since I've already said my story and spoken my piece on this subject many times on these boards.

 

But Jesus H. Christ, there are plenty of BS who do NOT accept what their WS has to say.

 

God, I just don't know anymore. Maybe you're right, frannie. It does feel right now like people don't want to hear anything on these boards that challenges their version of reality. Maybe it is human nature to believe what you want to believe. Enjoy that.

[justice]

Boy, does this kind of generalizing comment really piss me off. :mad::mad:

 

It's not even worth the trouble of refuting again and again and again ad nauseum, since I've already said my story and spoken my piece on this subject many times on these boards.

 

But Jesus H. Christ, there are plenty of BS who do NOT accept what their WS has to say.

 

God, I just don't know anymore. Maybe you're right, frannie. It does feel right now like people don't want to hear anything on these boards that challenges their version of reality. Maybe it is human nature to believe what you want to believe. Enjoy that.

 

I was one of the bs who listened to what ws said, but knew exactly what to believe and what not to believe. Just because this person at the time was my husband does not mean he's going to tell the truth in a situation like this.

Alot of the bs's seem to be in denial and will believe every word the cheater has to say. Not me. I wasn't born yesterday.

Reality is accepting the cold, hard truth of the matter and deciding where to go from there, no matter how ugly it is or how cold the future may be.

[serial muse]

Reality is accepting the cold, hard truth of the matter and deciding where to go from there, no matter how ugly it is or how cold the future may be.

 

I wholeheartedly agree, and that is exactly how I felt in my own case (I'm now divorced).