Jump to content

Am I being naive?


Recommended Posts

Hiya all,

 

First time to post here, this far I've read many helpful thoughts and insights, so I think I 'll to throw my case here.

 

I am a man, 35 yo, with one cute lil' daughter. We've been married for three years and so far I had provide everything I could to support my family. I work as an plain staff here in my country.

 

I have a an OW, my co-worker, a beautiful 26 yo, married also, one son.

 

We've been having this affair for >1 year, and we are in love one another.

 

To cut the long strory short, I do love my OW so much but I don't see any reason to leave my wife. I feel pity for her, but so far my head were overwhelmed by my OW.

 

I have a dream to have my OW beside me for good and the feeling is mutual, however we cannot leave our own family.

 

Am I being naive of having a dream that cannot be fulfill? any reason why I cannot not seeing her? we already reach a point where we choose to have sex with our OM/OW, instead of our spouse. This is I can't avoid.

 

I don't want to lose my OW but I don't have the heart to leave my family.

 

Sometimes I envy Prince Charles though. He finally married his mistress.

 

Am I being naive?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Three years ago it was love. I hate to admit but the thrill is gone.

 

I know I have a commitment and vow to keep somehow my OW is all over my head.

 

Now we keep seeing each other, and it's what hurting me the most: want to have her totally while reality doesn't.

 

I want to believe that situation will change somehow, that someday I will marry my OW and we live happily ever after.

 

Sounds fairy tale but this is how i feel now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Could it possible that after 3 years you will divorce your OW too?

 

When you married your wife, did you think about "happily after"?

 

What changed ? after 3 years the thrill with OW probably will go away too. if so what are you going to do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We shared many similar thoughts. Literally, she's the one I'm looking for, I should see three years ago.

 

We know that if there were not children involved we would probably divorce our partners to be together. WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. We truly found each other's soul mate. It is difficult to explain how we feel but you must know that we have been trying everything possible to end what we have, but to no avail. We can't stand being apart.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Shades of Grey

Just make a decision.

 

If you love each other SO MUCH as you say and you can't bear to be apart then do what is necessary to change your life.

 

if you have no intention of leaving your wife then stop this affair now.

 

Nothing good will come of you having both. Wholeheartedly commit to one choice or the other and take control of your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nothing good will come of you having both.

 

True. Because whatever you give to one, you starve from the other.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Either way you are torturing two women.

 

And adulterer will end up in hell if without repentance

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude you suck! Why dont you do the right thing and let your wife find someone who loves her. What? Are you afraid that its going to hurt your kid? I'm sure watching you camp out in a loveless marriage is doing wonders for the children. Are you afraid your OW wont leave her H for you?

 

Do the right thing. If not, just as lonleybird said... go burn in hell.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not only are you being naive, you're being quite foolish - but that's JMO. Your situation is so cliched, they have a name for it - work spouse. Rarely do co-worker affairs ever work out without destroying one or both of their careers first. Something to think about.

 

Seems to me that your OW has NO INTENTION of leaving her H and family for a chance at a REAL R with you. But you won't realize that until its too late and you've destroyed any chance of rebuilding your M. Then you'll find out what bitterness and hate really feels like because I doubt very seriously that you love this woman.

 

I think you are infatuated. I have seen it in a man on another forum and he did leave his W but the OW refused to leave her H, in fact, she went out and got another OM adding insult to injury.

 

I don't think either of you love each other, I think you are in love with the phony person you both present.

 

Let your W go. She deserves better than someone that doesn't even know what love is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
child_of_isis

You are a man? NOT. If you were a "man", you wouldn't pity your wife and have an affair.

 

You would divorce her and allow her to find a real man that will love her instead of holding her hostage in the name of "the children".

 

Do your wife a favor. Get out of the marriage. Go to your OW. Tire of her in 3 years.

 

Then do it all over again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a dream to have my OW beside me for good and the feeling is mutual, however we cannot leave our own family. … Am I being naive?

 

nope, just incredibly selfish. Because there is no such thing as "cannot," just will not, and as others have pointed out, you're doing your wife a great disservice by forcing her to remain in a relationship that you don't want, but she prolly thinks is working wonderfully well.

 

your pee pee has no business poking around anywhere but in your marriage. Because if you have to find your pleasure and your "soul mate" outside that marriage, you shouldn't be married, plain and simple.

 

I think you stay behind because you feel guilty – for whatever reasons – but you are too weak to avoid wallowing in an affair.

 

stop wasting everyone's time and just divorce your wife if you will not do your best to make this marriage work.

 

just my two cents ...

Link to post
Share on other sites
BusinessSocks
Just make a decision.

 

If you love each other SO MUCH as you say and you can't bear to be apart then do what is necessary to change your life.

 

if you have no intention of leaving your wife then stop this affair now.

 

Nothing good will come of you having both. Wholeheartedly commit to one choice or the other and take control of your life.

 

I totally agree with this. If you really love her, and she you, you CAN leave and come together. Let go of fear, and pity, and follow love, for everyone's sake.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TogetherForever
I totally agree with this. If you really love her, and she you, you CAN leave and come together. Let go of fear, and pity, and follow love, for everyone's sake.

 

Love what you said here BusinessSocks.

"Follow Love"

:bunny::)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Three years ago it was love. I hate to admit but the thrill is gone.

 

And thats the way it is with people who cheat. The thrill will always be gone because you can't handle being with the same person for extended periods of time. You confuse love with lust and excitment.

 

You just aren't cut out to be married.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Either way you are torturing two women.

 

And adulterer will end up in hell if without repentance

 

He's only torturing his wife. The other woman is married too...she isn't any better than him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Not only are you being naive, you're being quite foolish - but that's JMO. Your situation is so cliched, they have a name for it - work spouse. Rarely do co-worker affairs ever work out without destroying one or both of their careers first. Something to think about.

 

Seems to me that your OW has NO INTENTION of leaving her H and family for a chance at a REAL R with you. But you won't realize that until its too late and you've destroyed any chance of rebuilding your M. Then you'll find out what bitterness and hate really feels like because I doubt very seriously that you love this woman.

 

I think you are infatuated. I have seen it in a man on another forum and he did leave his W but the OW refused to leave her H, in fact, she went out and got another OM adding insult to injury.

 

I don't think either of you love each other, I think you are in love with the phony person you both present.

 

Let your W go. She deserves better than someone that doesn't even know what love is.

 

 

I've read all the replies yet this is the one that best represent my mind. I have wanted to air my opinions overthere but had not wanted to rock the boat anymore than it had been rocking with gunwhales getting closer and closer to the wave crashing in sinking the doomed ship barely afloat!

 

It probably goes without saying but it's hard for me to letting my OW to go. She's just what I've been looking for yet we don't know who should do what!

 

 

I totally agree with this. If you really love her, and she you, you CAN leave and come together. Let go of fear, and pity, and follow love, for everyone's sake.

 

My hat is off to you. I could not agree more with you and feel the same way, especially to realize that once you were on my side! How do you deal with it? Hope I can be more open over here with my thoughts!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've read all the replies yet this is the one that best represent my mind. I have wanted to air my opinions overthere but had not wanted to rock the boat anymore than it had been rocking with gunwhales getting closer and closer to the wave crashing in sinking the doomed ship barely afloat!

 

It probably goes without saying but it's hard for me to letting my OW to go. She's just what I've been looking for yet we don't know who should do what!!

 

I understand your feelings for her, even though I don't agree with having an A, but I see your situation mirroring this guys. He's been out of the A for over three years, and still is posting about it.

 

Do you want that to be you in a few years?

 

I say you should sign on over there and compare notes with him about his MW. There aren't many men here, but the ones that are aren't M'd like this guy once was.

 

Your MW doesn't act like a woman that wants out of her M. She sounds like a cake-eater. Like she has something in her M (like money) that she can't get with you. Question is, will you be happy with remaining an option for her while she is the real deal to you? Could you continue as a single guy in an A with her?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I used to be firm at my beliefs that feeling shouldn't be involved when I first met my OW. However time after time we care for each other, we share many similarities, and we found each other on ourselves.

 

I realize the reality tat both of us were married but as time goes by, we are become more and more attracted to one another. The more time I spend thinking of this OW, the less time I spend thinking of my wife. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but it feels that right. Now my possessiveness are consuming me badly, I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think anything but her, LITERALLY.

 

I can't let her go, head over heels, literally, but I just in love with this woman. Is it just fantasy that took over my head? Will it become reality? any suggestion how to stop seeing wth less pain?

 

Believe me, I tried, but to no avail.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read somewhere that the biochemical reaction which takes place inside the body during cocaine use is similar to the body's physical reaction to Infatuation. Basically, what you end up with is a "love addiction" in which the body produces a variety of chemicals when you indulge in contact with the object of your affection. Even thoughts having to do with her will produce this effect.

 

Now... you're about to f*ck up your home life. You've said yourself, "The more time I spend thinking of this OW, the less time I spend thinking of my wife." A marriage can't be sustained indefinitely when one or both partners are starved of what they need. So, your marriage will eventually go under unless repairs are made.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, until the "infatuation" stage is complete, you have literally NO way to know if what you're feeling will develop into real and lasting love. Infatuation is only a seed. It's not the real deal. The "real deal" must stand the test of time.

 

You could very well end up with no wife, no family, and no girlfriend. The MOW has already told you she doesn't intend to end her marriage.

 

Realistically, you've got two choices:

 

1. If you want to keep your family dynamic intact, treat this affair like an unhealthy addiction. Cut off contact, and don't indulge in the thought process which feeds the beast.

 

2. If you don't care about your wife or family dynamic... go ahead and do as you please. In the interest of fairness though, it would only be right to allow your wife the same privilege. "Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose" and all that. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
.......In the interest of fairness though, it would only be right to allow your wife the same privilege. "Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose" and all that. ;)

 

 

That's what I'm trying to say. I don't mind at all, so we can find the reason to divorce. If only I could tell her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
... so we can find the reason to divorce. If only I could tell her.

 

Your CHEATING on her, dude! I'm no lawyer... but that sounds like a pretty damn good reason. :lmao:

 

Seriously, if you want out, open up your mouth and tell her so.

 

You said in your first post that you're the father of a daughter. Can you imagine some man treating her the way you're currently treating your wife? ...wasting her God-given time? ...mooning over some other woman behind her back? Hell, if you're any kind of father at all, you'd be wanting to kick some ass if a man did that to your daughter. So... don't do it to her mother.

 

Either shape up, or ship out. That's just basic respect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...