Why am i holding on when i should be letting go?

[Love is Tragic]

So after finally hearing from MM after 2 months(which was a dissapointing phone call) and not expecting to hear from him again, he calls me not quite a week later. There were so many things i wanted to ask him but for some reason i cant get the words to come out. I did tell him that i didnt expect to hear from him again. I also told him that if he didnt want to talk to me he didnt have to, and that i dont want him to feel like he has to call me, just to be polite, or make nice. He said he wouldnt call if he didnt want to. Which completely frustrates me.

 

I mean, i dont hear from the guy in 2months, when i finally do, he really makes no indication that he missed me, or was even thinking about me.He did apologize profusely for not getting in touch with me sooner though. He sounds like crap, his wife has him on a short leash now that she knows something happened, and hes pretty much working all the time and not getting much sleep. I did ask him why in the hell did he tell his wife, and he says she doesnt know any details, doesnt even know whether it was physical or not, says she backed him into a corner, and he told her something went on, but he claims she doesnt know exactly what. I hear the same old song and dance of " i cant lose my kids", "she'll take me for everything", all that. Hes obviously miserable but i do NOT feel sorry for him, he could make a change but he wont.

 

So why in the h*ll is he still contacting me? Hes obviously not hinting around that he still or does have feelings for me. But for some reason, i just cant cut his *ss loose. Its like i want to be there for him when no one else is, and he knows ive always been a good friend to him above everything else. It sounds like he really needs a friend. He has a ton of issues right now, and he probably needs someone to talk to, but i dont know what to do. I hate to abandon him in a time of need but im really conflicted about it. I know so many of you must be screaming, Let him go!! and i dont really know why part of me is still holding on to him. I guess because i love him, and i just cant turn that off. Plus, i know hes so capable of being a great guy, and a great friend, and hes still such a good listener. But why does he bother? Does he still have feelings for me?

[nylah]

You're still holding on because you love him....even though you may know it's wrong or it won't work or whatever....that doesn't change the fact that it is hard to let go.....but at some point, you are going to have to decide what's best for you, and sitting around waiting for him can't possibly be it....I've been pretty much sitting around waiting myself, and it's been two months nc....on my part at first, now he's mad and not calling....and I've just about had it with this whole thing....Your guy is probably calling you because he misses you...I guess we'll just have to let it burn, and then get on with our lives......why does life have to be so complicated????

[Love is Tragic]

You're still holding on because you love him....even though you may know it's wrong or it won't work or whatever....that doesn't change the fact that it is hard to let go.....but at some point, you are going to have to decide what's best for you, and sitting around waiting for him can't possibly be it....I've been pretty much sitting around waiting myself, and it's been two months nc....on my part at first, now he's mad and not calling....and I've just about had it with this whole thing....Your guy is probably calling you because he misses you...I guess we'll just have to let it burn, and then get on with our lives......why does life have to be so complicated????

 

 

Exactly.. im kicking myself for even letting it get this far!! This heartache sucks so bad.. Ive been over 3months since being physical with MM. I miss him to the point that it kills me, but at the same time i cant stand not getting any type of emotional validation from him. He used to somewhat tell me how he felt about me, and i could always tell how he felt. but now, its like hes just a sad ghost, and i wish i knew how to fix it.

[nylah]

He probably doesn't know what to do either...just imagine having to deal with your feelings, and God only knows what he has to put up with from his W now that she knows....How long were you with him??? Why did he tell his W?

[mystic_pizza]

Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain love is tragic, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. The only thing I can really say is you have to take care of you now (as hard as it is) and not worry about him. Afterall, when push came to shove and d-day happened, he threw you under the bus. The best thing to do is go NC and try to heal yourself now. It hurts, but it is probably the best thing you can do. Let him deal with his M and figure out for himself what it is that he wants.

 

Again, so sorry you are going through this, I can only imagine what it must feel like. (((Hugs)))

[norajane]

You can't let him go because he was your escape from your own problems with your husband. Your relationship with MM was something you clung to because you needed him to fill you up and take you away from your own issues. Now that he's in pain, you want to be that person for him - the one to help him through his problems, to be his escape. And you miss him being there for you, because, obviously, you still have the same problems in your marriage that you had when you turned to MM in the first place.

 

Deal with your problems at home and you won't need MM to cling to anymore.

[child_of_isis]

Most likely he is contacting you to keep you emotionally tied to him.

 

You are plan B in case he cannot get his W to sweep this all under the rug

 

This is pretty typical of MM who cheat. It goes something like this:

 

Wifey finds out.

All hell breaks loose.

H begs for forgiveness

W works on forgiving

H lays low for a while

wifey gets comfy in M again...somewhat

H resumes previous activities of lying/cheating.

 

He sounds miserable because he is a miserable human being. A sub human who does not deserve a family, a M, nor a W. He knows this about himself. He comes to you so you can convince him otherwise.

[Love is Tragic]

He probably doesn't know what to do either...just imagine having to deal with your feelings, and God only knows what he has to put up with from his W now that she knows....How long were you with him??? Why did he tell his W?

 

 

Nylah, i was with him about 9 months when he stayed in my town almost every week and his wife, (being paranoid and suspicious before this anyway) accused him of acting different when he would come home, and she would keep asking and asking and pushing for info from him. Keep in mind this woman is so controlling and jealous anyway(even though he went years with her being completely faithful, or so he says). And also that she would most likely never have found out about us, seeing as he would call me and vice versa only from his work phone, which she couldnt get the records for, and he lives 2 hours away, she would have never found out.

 

So she kept pushing until he broke down and told her something went on, but he tells me that she doesnt know exactly what. I think she is still trying to get info though, because i keep receiving calls from a private number and after i say hello a few times, they hang up. He says it could be her. I guess she really wants more info, but he claims he hasnt given her any details.

[nylah]

Nylah, i was with him about 9 months when he stayed in my town almost every week and his wife, (being paranoid and suspicious before this anyway) accused him of acting different when he would come home, and she would keep asking and asking and pushing for info from him. Keep in mind this woman is so controlling and jealous anyway(even though he went years with her being completely faithful, or so he says). And also that she would most likely never have found out about us, seeing as he would call me and vice versa only from his work phone, which she couldnt get the records for, and he lives 2 hours away, she would have never found out.

 

So she kept pushing until he broke down and told her something went on, but he tells me that she doesnt know exactly what. I think she is still trying to get info though, because i keep receiving calls from a private number and after i say hello a few times, they hang up. He says it could be her. I guess she really wants more info, but he claims he hasnt given her any details.

 

What's up??? I take it you haven't spoken to him lately....??

 

So what are your plans now....are you going to move on?

[Love is Tragic]

What's up??? I take it you haven't spoken to him lately....??

 

So what are your plans now....are you going to move on?

 

Just a few nights ago was the last time i talked to him, so it hasnt been long, but im not really sure what my plans are. I know that im definitely not planning on pursuing him or calling him. Ive thought about ratting him out to his wife, but im really not that conniving of a person. Although the way he has treated me, he would deserve it, i have been entirely WAY too good of a friend to him and hes taken advantage of that. I still have so many questions for him, and i suppose once i have the answers i will move on. As of right now he is laying very low. I have no idea whats going on in his head. I miss the way he used to be.

[nylah]

You might want to be careful where his wife is concerned....she might be on a rampage.....I have been online all day, which is so pathetic....I think I'm going to force myself to go out tonite....We can't just sit by and let our mistakes get the best of us.....I'm to cute for that bastard anyway......Well, I hope things work out the way you're hoping...just don't wait on him too long. see ya

[Love is Tragic]

You might want to be careful where his wife is concerned....she might be on a rampage.....I have been online all day, which is so pathetic....I think I'm going to force myself to go out tonite....We can't just sit by and let our mistakes get the best of us.....I'm to cute for that bastard anyway......Well, I hope things work out the way you're hoping...just don't wait on him too long. see ya

 

 

Well thanks for lending an ear, its nice to have someone who is going through the same situation to talk to. Hope you get out and have a good time tonight, as for me, im stuck here at work, arrggggghhh!! I am trying my best to forget he exists, which is of course next to impossible, but oh well. I suppose i will just stick with the good memories is all.

[child_of_isis]

I think you and wifey have more in common than you realize. Evidently you both are wanting info from this guy? So you can move forward?

 

I still have so many questions for him, and i suppose once i have the answers i will move on.

 

SNIP FROM ANOTHER POST--------

 

So she kept pushing until he broke down and told her something went on, but he tells me that she doesnt know exactly what. I think she is still trying to get info though, because i keep receiving calls from a private number and after i say hello a few times, they hang up

[nylah]

Well thanks for lending an ear, its nice to have someone who is going through the same situation to talk to. Hope you get out and have a good time tonight, as for me, im stuck here at work, arrggggghhh!! I am trying my best to forget he exists, which is of course next to impossible, but oh well. I suppose i will just stick with the good memories is all.

 

Okay, it's me....I just had to tell you this....

 

I got all fixed up (and I'm gonna flatter myself, and say I'm looking good)! I made sure I wore this top that he loves...it shows my shoulders (for some strange reason he likes my shoulders)..anyway, I get there and he's out front with some guys talking...so the guys are all checking me out, and asking what's my name, and where I'm from...(I very rarely go out to clubs, so they don't really know me, and obviously I'm his secret)..and He is just standing there looking and they are just carrying on and I'm just grinning and switching, and just flatout being fresh...so I go into the club and one of the guys comes in behind me, and starts talking to me...and then HE comes in and I could see him looking for me, so when I saw him looking, I started acting like I was interested in what the guy was saying to me...So I asked the guy if he wanted my phone #...of course he said yes, so I wrote something down, and gave it to him...I made sure that He saw it too....so while he was making his way over, I slipped out the door...I made it to my car, and he was calling me and I just acted like I didn't even hear him....now he's calling my phone, and I'm not answering...

 

This is so pathetic...the things we do for love:love:...He knows that I don't really like going out, so he's probably wondering what's going on with me...I don't even know....but I do know that I am not taking anymore of his sh*t!!!

 

I'll have to fill you in on the details about our non-relationship that has been going on for almost 3 years now....it's so pathetic...

[nylah]

Well thanks for lending an ear, its nice to have someone who is going through the same situation to talk to. Hope you get out and have a good time tonight, as for me, im stuck here at work, arrggggghhh!! I am trying my best to forget he exists, which is of course next to impossible, but oh well. I suppose i will just stick with the good memories is all.

 

Okay, it's me....I just had to tell you this....

 

I got all fixed up (and I'm gonna flatter myself, and say I'm looking good)! I made sure I wore this top that he loves...it shows my shoulders (for some strange reason he likes my shoulders)..anyway, I get there and he's out front with some guys talking...so the guys are all checking me out, and asking what's my name, and where I'm from...(I very rarely go out to clubs, so they don't really know me, and obviously I'm his secret)..and He is just standing there looking and they are just carrying on and I'm just grinning and switching, and just flatout being fresh...so I go into the club and one of the guys comes in behind me, and starts talking to me...and then HE comes in and I could see him looking for me, so when I saw him looking, I started acting like I was interested in what the guy was saying to me...So I asked the guy if he wanted my phone #...of course he said yes, so I wrote something down, and gave it to him...I made sure that He saw it too....so while he was making his way over, I slipped out the door...I made it to my car, and he was calling me and I just acted like I didn't even hear him....now he's calling my phone, and I'm not answering...

 

This is so pathetic...the things we do for love:love:...He knows that I don't really like going out, so he's probably wondering what's going on with me...I don't even know....but I do know that I am not taking anymore of his sh*t!!!

 

I'll have to fill you in on the details about our non-relationship that has been going on for almost 3 years now....it's so pathetic...

[Love is Tragic]

Okay, it's me....I just had to tell you this....

 

I got all fixed up (and I'm gonna flatter myself, and say I'm looking good)! I made sure I wore this top that he loves...it shows my shoulders (for some strange reason he likes my shoulders)..anyway, I get there and he's out front with some guys talking...so the guys are all checking me out, and asking what's my name, and where I'm from...(I very rarely go out to clubs, so they don't really know me, and obviously I'm his secret)..and He is just standing there looking and they are just carrying on and I'm just grinning and switching, and just flatout being fresh...so I go into the club and one of the guys comes in behind me, and starts talking to me...and then HE comes in and I could see him looking for me, so when I saw him looking, I started acting like I was interested in what the guy was saying to me...So I asked the guy if he wanted my phone #...of course he said yes, so I wrote something down, and gave it to him...I made sure that He saw it too....so while he was making his way over, I slipped out the door...I made it to my car, and he was calling me and I just acted like I didn't even hear him....now he's calling my phone, and I'm not answering...

 

This is so pathetic...the things we do for love:love:...He knows that I don't really like going out, so he's probably wondering what's going on with me...I don't even know....but I do know that I am not taking anymore of his sh*t!!!

 

I'll have to fill you in on the details about our non-relationship that has been going on for almost 3 years now....it's so pathetic...

 

 

Good for you for staying strong!! I dont think i could have been if i was in the same situation. not yet anyway. Not that i really hear from MM that much anyhow. Although all this NC is sorta forcing me to detach from him. I guess he still wants me to be hanging on to him as some sort of ego boost, and he knows things arent great in my own marriage right now. Maybe hes waiting for me to separate from my H or something. And why? So then he will be there for me? I dont think so.. I dont feel sorry for him one bit, hes brought this all on himself. If he is as miserable as he sounds, then he should make a change. I dont even want to be with him anyway. Not when hes like this.

 

But anywho.. yeah, id like to hear your whole story, do you have myspace or anything? I have messenger but my computer at home is down and we cant download it at work. Holla at me!

[nylah]

Hey girl, what's up??? did you hear from him yet? Or do you even want to hear from him? I forgot all about your H. It must be so hard having to deal with all that stuff. What are you going to do? Does your husband know what's going on. What would he do if he found out?

[Love is Tragic]

Hey girl, what's up??? did you hear from him yet? Or do you even want to hear from him? I forgot all about your H. It must be so hard having to deal with all that stuff. What are you going to do? Does your husband know what's going on. What would he do if he found out?

 

Nah,havent heard from him, but then again we never talk on weekends, because he is with the family on weekends and cant talk. And im usually at work or with my H. H doesnt know whats going on, although he has confronted me a time or two after seeing the phone records(back when me and MM were talking quite a bit). And everytime MM would be in town, my H would throw out accusations and basically act paranoid. But seeing as H had/has no proof of anything, he pretty much dropped it and hasnt brought him up since.

 

H would be extremely hurt if he knew, i dont know if he would want a D but he would definitely be upset about it. Of course, H has been acting strangely himself the past couple of months, but that is a different story. (i started a thread about it in the Infidelity forum, title I think my husband is cheating, am i just being paranoid? check it out if you get bored). So ive really been so wrapped up in finding out why H is acting strange to worry much about MM. I dont know what to do, i guess there isnt much i CAN do. I do feel that MM is a much much better match for me than my H, who i married very young, before i really found out exactly who i am as a person. He has so many personality traits that i wish H had, and our connection is soooo awesome. Sometimes its like we have the same mind.

[nylah]

would you care if H was having an A? or would you just leave him? Life can be so complicated sometimes... I sitting here wondering what the hell i'm doing on "loveshack".. I have literally been tied up with all this bs since I found the site... My ex(if you can even call him that). is 51 and I'm 16 years younger than him. I am 100%, without a doubt, in love with him. Not for his money, not for what he has, and deffinitely not for his looks (smile), although he is handsome and tall...but I don't think that's it. My friend thinks he's so ugly, and she says that I only started talking to him because he has money...??? I don't think that's true. but i damn sure don't want someone whose broke...I mean, who does?

 

Anyway, the problem that I have with him, is that he acts like I am really too young for him. he says things like "you have your whole life ahead of you" and "what do you want with me", and "why I don't want a man my own age" and I can do better than him....what kind of sh** is that? But yet we're he wants to screw me all the time...which I don't mind because it is good!! (smile)... so I mentioned how he was acting last nite... it's like he don't want his friends to know about us... he didn't say anything while those guys were coming on to me, but he breaks his neck to call me when I leave...??? what is that about? my friend said it because he knows that I could do so much better than him, and he doesn't want to get hurt??? I have never cheated on him, and I wouldn't want to.. But he won't say that he wants us to be together or none of that.... he just wants to have me whenever he wants...and I've been pretty much putting up with it. but I've had it.. what is wrong with men....?? or is it us???

[skindeep]

I have replied here before-amazing how we feel our own situation is so unique, and then find that except for the minor details, there are so many similarities. Everything you are feeling, I have felt, and am still feeling. The questions going through my mind are the same. I think folks are right when they speculate that the MM stays in touch (sporadically) to make sure they have not yet lost you altogether, while they try to process their situation and resulting feelings. Men are SLOOOOOW at this stuff. They can only focus on one problem at a time, and they have to prioritize. Their thinking usually starts with how to deal with the wife and children, and then the financial mess that inevitably ensues-they exhaust all of their immediate options, before beginning to examine their true feelings for you. I read somewhere that "Men feel first, act on the feeling next, and think about the implications last." The number of issues at hand to be addressed =how long it takes for them to get around to thinking about how they feel about you. In the meantime, they don't want you to disappear. On some level, I think they still feel the longing for what they had with the OW, but so many balls are in the air, they are unable to committ to anything but the immediate crisis. I don't think it's neccesarily a consciously manipulative stategy. That's why, when the time table is someone's elses', we have no choice but to accept that our life has to go on without them for the time being, at least. Give him the gift of missing you and desiring to step up to the plate to be with you . There's a quote-not sure from where, that I recall when I am having a hard time coping: " one day you will wake up and realize how much you loved her, and she will be waking up beside someone who already knew. " It's the risk they take for the mistakes they make. We are not alone in our suffering-they are hurting, too. Take care of yourself. Find a focus that is directed at your own healing, and if it is meant to be any different, it will be in time.

 

Stay strong.

[Love is Tragic]

would you care if H was having an A? or would you just leave him? Life can be so complicated sometimes... I sitting here wondering what the hell i'm doing on "loveshack".. I have literally been tied up with all this bs since I found the site... My ex(if you can even call him that). is 51 and I'm 16 years younger than him. I am 100%, without a doubt, in love with him. Not for his money, not for what he has, and deffinitely not for his looks (smile), although he is handsome and tall...but I don't think that's it. My friend thinks he's so ugly, and she says that I only started talking to him because he has money...??? I don't think that's true. but i damn sure don't want someone whose broke...I mean, who does?

 

Anyway, the problem that I have with him, is that he acts like I am really too young for him. he says things like "you have your whole life ahead of you" and "what do you want with me", and "why I don't want a man my own age" and I can do better than him....what kind of sh** is that? But yet we're he wants to screw me all the time...which I don't mind because it is good!! (smile)... so I mentioned how he was acting last nite... it's like he don't want his friends to know about us... he didn't say anything while those guys were coming on to me, but he breaks his neck to call me when I leave...??? what is that about? my friend said it because he knows that I could do so much better than him, and he doesn't want to get hurt??? I have never cheated on him, and I wouldn't want to.. But he won't say that he wants us to be together or none of that.... he just wants to have me whenever he wants...and I've been pretty much putting up with it. but I've had it.. what is wrong with men....?? or is it us???

 

Errr, men are so damn confusing!! ill tell ya a little more about my marriage and why my H cheating would be so bad. A while back, for a very short time, we decided to spice our marriage up and try out an 'open marriage'. Where we were free to find other sexual partners as long as we were both up front with each other and didnt hide anything as far as who we were talking to, when we were getting together with them, etc.

 

So that was all fine and dandy until i slept with a guy and of course told him about it when he asked if i got any, lol. But he couldnt handle the jealous feelings that came of it, and he decided he wanted to end the whole 'open marriage'. Keep in mind that he had already slept with 2 other women, which i was fine with. I didnt have any jealousy issues at all and in fact it even spiced up our sex life hearing about the others conquests.

 

He told me the open marriage was a mistake and he only wanted me, that he didnt want to ever have sex with another woman except for me. (yeah, right). So now, if he IS cheating, his ass is grass because he could have had permission, but he chose to let his jealousy get in the way. Ill be damned if he is going to have his cake and eat it too, but expect me to be at home playing the loyal faithful wife. Thats just not fair. Especially when he was the one to end the open relationship.

 

Anywho, is this guy you are involved with married? You just cant really help who you love, i would tell him that, no matter what his age is. Of course he would want to have sex with an attractive younger woman as much as possible, what man wouldnt? But i dont get why he is pulling away from you, it seems like he is just as interested in you as you are him. Unless its only about sex to him?

[Love is Tragic]

I have replied here before-amazing how we feel our own situation is so unique, and then find that except for the minor details, there are so many similarities. Everything you are feeling, I have felt, and am still feeling. The questions going through my mind are the same. I think folks are right when they speculate that the MM stays in touch (sporadically) to make sure they have not yet lost you altogether, while they try to process their situation and resulting feelings. Men are SLOOOOOW at this stuff. They can only focus on one problem at a time, and they have to prioritize. Their thinking usually starts with how to deal with the wife and children, and then the financial mess that inevitably ensues-they exhaust all of their immediate options, before beginning to examine their true feelings for you. I read somewhere that "Men feel first, act on the feeling next, and think about the implications last." The number of issues at hand to be addressed =how long it takes for them to get around to thinking about how they feel about you. In the meantime, they don't want you to disappear. On some level, I think they still feel the longing for what they had with the OW, but so many balls are in the air, they are unable to committ to anything but the immediate crisis. I don't think it's neccesarily a consciously manipulative stategy. That's why, when the time table is someone's elses', we have no choice but to accept that our life has to go on without them for the time being, at least. Give him the gift of missing you and desiring to step up to the plate to be with you . There's a quote-not sure from where, that I recall when I am having a hard time coping: " one day you will wake up and realize how much you loved her, and she will be waking up beside someone who already knew. " It's the risk they take for the mistakes they make. We are not alone in our suffering-they are hurting, too. Take care of yourself. Find a focus that is directed at your own healing, and if it is meant to be any different, it will be in time.

 

Stay strong.

 

Skin deep, great post.. good insight into the situation. I suppose all this is just one big waiting game, and if its meant to be then maybe it will be. Maybe he'll get his life straightened out and figure out what exactly he wants. But when he does, i may not be there for him. Not when he wasnt there for me when i needed him this past 2 months

[nylah]

Girl, you have a crazy husband.... they never miss their water until the well runs dry.... I can't believe you could tolerate that "open marriage" stuff...I don't think I could...but then who knows (smile)...

 

No, my nut is not married. I think it's a mix of things for him... for one, his daughter is my age (or a little younger)... I met her once, but he was acting like I was just someone that he knew (nothing more).. He does have money and stuff, and maybe he thinks I want that (although, he gives money when I ask for it) and he helps me with stuff when I need it. I don't know. My friend said if I cut the sex off, then we'll see where he's really coming from. I like the sex, too....but I just had to do it. after almost 3 years, doesn't it stop being just about the sex?

[Love is Tragic]

Do you mostly meet just for sex? With my MM, there were times where we didnt have sex, just enjoyed each others company,or hung out with other friends, etc, but most of the time, it was pure, hot sex. Our connection was just too passionate to pass up. We found things in each other that we didnt get from our spouses. He was having sex once or twice a month with his wife, him and me were going at it every chance we got. I had a pretty satisfying sex life with my H, but missed that "spark" and the instant excitement. Plus, MM could go several times a day, lol. My H never does that.

 

Since you are in love with this guy, does he know it? have you told him? My MM had some good advice, he told me that you should always tell the other person how you feel about them, especially if you love them. And if they make you feel like crap for it, or hold it over your head, then they arent worth having in your life. hmmm, good advice, too bad he cant take his own advice, huh? lol.

[nylah]

you're funny.... that bastard knows I love him. I've said it, he's said it... He works alot, and really don't go to many places together, come to think of it, but we spend a good amount of time together, I guess.... I mean, I don't have a problem with him working all the time. I speak to him on the phone all the time, and I hang out at his place alot.. We just don't go out in public alot. Again, I think it's because people are saying that he's my "sugar daddy", and that I only like him for his money... and I'm too young, god digger, and God only knows what else. Even my friends say mean stuff about him, and our relationship. He says their just jealous...But I honestly believe that he has let this stuff get to him. so it's up to him now. If he want any more stuff, he's gonna have to change or something.

 

You know the one thing I have not done.... I have never just confronted him, and said "hey, this is what I want"... I was hoping that he would say "baby, I don't care what they say", but obviously he does care. I never say the things that bother me to him, I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

 

Okay, now that I've got that off my chest.... you're gonna have to give me some lines. and as for you... don't get mad, but I think you should try to work it out with you H. It's sounds like deep down you still love him...???