first time OW

[beautifulbee]

Been reading a lot of threads on here today and I've realised a lot of people have or are in my situation which is just developing. I would appreciate comments from people who are and were in my position - I have read many views from those who have not been there and it just doesn't help, but not saying I don't hear y'all.

 

I have become a OW for the very first time. I have always said - I would never ever become an OW- its wrong - but here I am, and I can now really understand why As happen, when you meet someone and you both develop to being very attracted...

 

So whats going on?

I met MM when we worked together in March - got on fantastically and kept in touch as friends. We met up many times, but recently he kissed me. I always deep down knew I was attracted to him, but always kept clear - but when he kissed me it felt wonderful. Since this time, we have started a sexual relationship a week ago and it continues...and things generally feel amazing which we both have expressed.

 

We both want things to be slow - and I am in no hurry to rush things, but I do think of him alot. He has told me he feels he is falling for me - I have kept my feelings more verbally reserved, but I can see I could easily too.

 

He is older than me by 13 years, he is 34 - I have never been with an older guy, and he has not been with anyone younger than 4 years, but he agrees it is not an obstacle at present at all.

 

He has been married just over a year, no children. He has openly accepted that he knows there is something wrong in his relationship to be here with me as like me, he said has never and never expected to be a MM with a OW.

 

How do I feel? I am happy to let time tell, but I can't wait to see him in 2 weeks time. Just worried it may end in tears? Is there any chance of happiness here?

 

Any comments - ?

[precious1357]

Hi newbie:

 

I've been involved with a MM for the first time, for about eight months. We started out talking about the Sopranos (his wife didn't allow him to watch it at home) so we would talk about the show in one of the meeting room, we laughed and all, then we started talking on the telephone and then in February on Valentine's Day, he kissed me! What passion I felt, it wasn't or anything, we talked more and more, and we kissed more and more, then he told me he loved me. Now, we are not kids I'm 51 and single, he's 61. We have a wonderful relationship however, I'm sad because I want more and he is trying to do better, I want to go out and be together. That's the sad part because you have to hide and he has to leave, I get real real sad when he has to go. Prepare yourself for some heartbreak because if you fall in love with this MM, you will experience some heartbreak.

[beautifulbee]

Hi Precious,

 

Thanks for your great message. I know how you feel - the hiding, the leaving - the real real sadness when he has to go. I want to see what happens despite the potenial heartache- is that strange? I hope everything truly works for you Precious. Everyone deserves love, and happiness...sometimes you have to fight for it....Bee

[precious1357]

Thanks Beautiful:

 

Sometimes people are so hurtful, I appreciate your words, my MM is

wonderful and hopefully things will work out for us. He realizes I get

real sad when he leaves and he starts to feel sad. He asks me to

hang in with him because things will get better for us. He is a pretty

balanced person and wants to end his marriage on a decent note.

No, its not strange to see what might happen, because

everyone is different, your MM may be trapped in a bad marriage and you

may be his Light! Take care

[Meaplus3]

Been reading a lot of threads on here today and I've realised a lot of people have or are in my situation which is just developing. I would appreciate comments from people who are and were in my position - I have read many views from those who have not been there and it just doesn't help, but not saying I don't hear y'all.

 

I have become a OW for the very first time. I have always said - I would never ever become an OW- its wrong - but here I am, and I can now really understand why As happen, when you meet someone and you both develop to being very attracted...

 

So whats going on?

I met MM when we worked together in March - got on fantastically and kept in touch as friends. We met up many times, but recently he kissed me. I always deep down knew I was attracted to him, but always kept clear - but when he kissed me it felt wonderful. Since this time, we have started a sexual relationship a week ago and it continues...and things generally feel amazing which we both have expressed.

 

We both want things to be slow - and I am in no hurry to rush things, but I do think of him alot. He has told me he feels he is falling for me - I have kept my feelings more verbally reserved, but I can see I could easily too.

 

He is older than me by 13 years, he is 34 - I have never been with an older guy, and he has not been with anyone younger than 4 years, but he agrees it is not an obstacle at present at all.

 

He has been married just over a year, no children. He has openly accepted that he knows there is something wrong in his relationship to be here with me as like me, he said has never and never expected to be a MM with a OW.

 

How do I feel? I am happy to let time tell, but I can't wait to see him in 2 weeks time. Just worried it may end in tears? Is there any chance of happiness here?

 

Any comments - ?

 

So he's married only one year and is now in an A with you? I think something has to be very wrong in his marriage if he's engaged in an affair a year after his wedding. How long have you known him? What does he tell you about his Marriage?

 

AP:)

[Shades of Grey]

Hi Beautiful Bee,

 

Who is to know whether this can end in happiness or tears. That's the problem, we can't look into the future and see whether its worth a try. What we probably can summise is that whatever happens it is likely to be a long and difficult journey for you if you choose to pursue this relationship.

 

Please just be careful. I was not much older than you when I fell in love with my MM and I have been through so much as a consequence of my relationship. Yes incredible highs because I love him so much but I would not wish the lows on anyone.

 

Although I don't want to tell you not to get involved with this man because every situation is so different -( yours could be one that works out )- I can't not tell you based on my experience that the best thing would be for you to walk away. If he wants to be with you and is truely unhappy in his marriage he will follow.

 

I realise at this stage that you may not be thinking that far ahead and you seem to have your eyes wide open but before you know it you may find yourself falling deeper and deeper. The deeper you are the harder it is and the more heartbreak involved if he doesn't make the choices you come to want and need.

 

Take care

[greengoddess]

So he's married only one year and is now in an A with you? I think something has to be very wrong in his marriage if he's engaged in an affair a year after his wedding. How long have you known him? What does he tell you about his Marriage?

 

AP:)

 

Umm no. How about maybe something is really wrong with HIM that he would behave this way one year into his marriage instead of trying to resolve the problem.

All I can say is thank god this cheating slime does not have kids.

 

Beautifulbee he doesn't have children has only been married a year. I think you should speak with his wife and tell her how the two of you feel before she wastes anymore of her life on this man.

 

You two should have a wonderful life together. You deserve one another and to be happy.

[Meaplus3]

Umm no. How about maybe something is really wrong with HIM that he would behave this way one year into his marriage instead of trying to resolve the problem.

All I can say is thank god this cheating slime does not have kids.

 

Beautifulbee he doesn't have children has only been married a year. I think you should speak with his wife and tell her how the two of you feel before she wastes anymore of her life on this man.

 

You two should have a wonderful life together. You deserve one another and to be happy.

 

Umm no. How about maybe something is really wrong with HIM that he would behave this way one year into his marriage instead of trying to resolve the problem.

All I can say is thank god this cheating slime does not have kids.

 

Green, I'm sure you are right about the fact that there is something very wrong with him.

 

AP:)

[Moose]

Hi beautifulbee,

 

I think you're fallling big, and not in a good way......

Since this time, we have started a sexual relationship a week ago and it continues...

And then.......:

He has told me he feels he is falling for me

Look....from a male perspective, you had sexual relations with a married man BEFORE he expressed his feeling for you.

 

Do you not see the train coming?

 

Tell you what you do......you tell him no more sex until you see the divorce papers. If he won't go for it.....JUMP OFF THE TRACKS BEFORE YOU GET HURT!!!

[child_of_isis]

You are 21 and he is 34??????

 

Oh my god..where is your Mother????

 

I have a 20 year old. If some 34 year old MM pulled this on her I would wring his neck. I would make his life a living HELL....HELL, I tell you!

 

My XSo is just a few years older than your MM (40) and he raised my daughter who is now 20!!!!! The MM probably has children almost as old as you!!!!!

 

Has he said if this is his first or second marriage? I bet it is his second...or maybe 3rd.

 

I am appalled. Absolutely appalled. Get away from him. Now. You cannot deal with this guy. He probably has one marriage under his belt (or more). Probably cheated. You are not capable of handling him. He has been around the block a few times.

 

Please, please don't do this. I beg you. This can ruin your future outlook on men....for the rest of your life!

 

There is a good husband out there somewhere for you, and children....a good life. What if this guy spoils all of that for you?

 

Please think of your future.

[beautifulbee]

You are 21 and he is 34??????

 

Oh my god..where is your Mother????

 

I have a 20 year old. If some 34 year old MM pulled this on her I would wring his neck. I would make his life a living HELL....HELL, I tell you!

 

My XSo is just a few years older than your MM (40) and he raised my daughter who is now 20!!!!! The MM probably has children almost as old as you!!!!!

 

Has he said if this is his first or second marriage? I bet it is his second...or maybe 3rd.

 

I am appalled. Absolutely appalled. Get away from him. Now. You cannot deal with this guy. He probably has one marriage under his belt (or more). Probably cheated. You are not capable of handling him. He has been around the block a few times.

 

Thanks for your reply and taking the time to read what I said, but I did find what was said slightly hurtful - esp in ref to my mother and my age. The age difference is not and has not been a problem for us. Its our feelings towards eachtoher and thats why I posted. Plus, I said he has been married a year - meaning to say that means only once, and I did note that he has no children.

[beautifulbee]

Hi beautifulbee,

 

I think you're fallling big, and not in a good way......And then.......:Look....from a male perspective, you had sexual relations with a married man BEFORE he expressed his feeling for you.

 

Do you not see the train coming?

 

Tell you what you do......you tell him no more sex until you see the divorce papers. If he won't go for it.....JUMP OFF THE TRACKS BEFORE YOU GET HURT!!!

 

Again, thanks for the response, really appreciated. I like the name Moose!

 

I have not fallen for him yet - I know that much. I haven't definately, yet. If I did not make myself clear - I mean to say I could do, if things progress, sorry!

 

I also maybe have been unclear when he expressed his emotions - he told me he was falling when he kissed me, months before sex started. But,

I clearly understand your male perspective yet was not clear - but you might say, does it make a difference?

 

I agree with you that maybe the sex should stop until he clears himself of his current relationship, he has even stated he would be happy to continue seeing me without the sex as he enjoys his time with me so much anyway.

 

I know many think he has things wrong with him, it looks that way, but maybe its with his relationship? He is a very levelheaded normal individual who met me and now has got in a pickle because he likes me - something he never foresaw? I hope that doesnt make him an alround bad character..

 

BEEX

 

comments appreciated.

[IWALH]

He asks me to

hang in with him because things will get better for us. He is a pretty

balanced person and wants to end his marriage on a decent note.

 

 

Oh brother, my xMM told me the EXACT SAME THING. Not trying to discount your feelings or play down what he is saying to you.... but I'm pretty sure it's just a line and a way to string you along... which is what it was in my case. Maybe yours is different.

[IWALH]

So he's married only one year and is now in an A with you? I think something has to be very wrong in his marriage if he's engaged in an affair a year after his wedding. How long have you known him? What does he tell you about his Marriage?

 

AP:)

 

 

Or he could just be addicted to sex and manipulating others.

[IWALH]

 

I also maybe have been unclear when he expressed his emotions - he told me he was falling when he kissed me, months before sex started. But,

I clearly understand your male perspective yet was not clear - but you might say, does it make a difference?

 

 

Of course he told you that months before sex started. He told you the stuff he told you so the sex would start.

[precious1357]

Thanks, I'm trying...and I am getting discouraged. I just don't want to waste

time and continue to get myself all worked up. My MM takes all these obligatory "trips" and says there is no sleeping together or exchange of emotions or feelings. Its starting to be unbelievable. Thanks!

[IWALH]

My MM takes all these obligatory "trips" and says there is no sleeping together or exchange of emotions or feelings. Its starting to be unbelievable.

 

Haha, your MM must be my xMM. They sound so so similar, it's eerie.

[child_of_isis]

I referenced your mother because she needs to know. Please tell her.

 

And yes...age does matter. Especially if you are dealing with a seasoned cheater and liar....which I can guarantee you are. Someone who is cheating within a year of M, has serious issues. Serious. Trust me on this one. This type of man can mess with your head the likes of which you cannot even imagine.

 

Just because he tells you he doesn't have children and that he has only been married a year,(1st marriage) does not make it so. He will manipulate you and make you believe stuff like this. If you find he is lying about such stuff and confront him... he will make you believe that you are crazy and your own thoughts cannot be trusted.

 

I am sorry I hurt you. That was not my intention.

.

 

Thanks for your reply and taking the time to read what I said, but I did find what was said slightly hurtful - esp in ref to my mother and my age. The age difference is not and has not been a problem for us. Its our feelings towards eachtoher and thats why I posted. Plus, I said he has been married a year - meaning to say that means only once, and I did note that he has no children.

[beautifulbee]

Haha, your MM must be my xMM. They sound so so similar, it's eerie.

 

it seems you ended up having a bad time with your xmm?

 

hmm....i am starting to see that this mm situation is not easy looked at by any angle?

 

what to do...i have no idea still. my mind is in three places

a, pursue it and achieve happiness because it could be there

b, OMG?!!? generally unsure by everything

c, walk.

 

c, is hardest a, seems easiest - now i'm at b,.

[child_of_isis]

A will be the hardest.

[child_of_isis]

Can you be happy with a man whom you know beforehand is a cheater and a liar?

 

Do you believe that he will not cheat and lie on you if ever you two should marry?

 

Usually the first year of M is still in the honeymoon phase.

Do you actually want to be with a man who will cheat before the honeymoon is over?

 

Marriage is a big thing. A lifetime commitment. Couples stand in front of their god and their families and vow "to death do us part". Surely he did not just stumble into such a horrid mistake as in choosing the wrong wife? Is he that unbalanced to have made such a HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake?

 

what to do...i have no idea still. my mind is in three places

a, pursue it and achieve happiness because it could be there

b, OMG?!!? generally unsure by everything

c, walk.

 

c, is hardest a, seems easiest - now i'm at b,.

[greengoddess]

Do you think that little of yourself that you are willing to share a man. Not just sharing, you are getting the crumbs. The hidden sneaky times that he can get away from his wife.

 

You said you are not in love so why are you doing this? The challenge of taking a married man from his wife?

 

Seriously, talk to his wife. She deserves to know before she invests another day into this marriage and is stuck with this mans children.

[skindeep]

I see a disaster coming-I'm sorry. I suggest that perhaps he take some time (and it may take a long time) to think about how he is going to handle the fact that he is not happy in so new a marriage. You're participation will only enable him to stall and avoid having to make a decision. He may not be underhanded at all-but he is confused. He needs to be left alone to think on it for awhile, leaving you free to get on with your own life. If it is meant to be for the two of you, it can happen sometime down the road. If you even THINK he is someone you could fall for-get ready-you will, and it will rip your heart out. Take care.

[Melissa277]

You are 21 and he is 34??????

 

Oh my god..where is your Mother????

 

I have a 20 year old. If some 34 year old MM pulled this on her I would wring his neck. I would make his life a living HELL....HELL, I tell you!

 

I am appalled. Absolutely appalled. Get away from him. Now. You cannot deal with this guy.

 

Please, please don't do this. I beg you. This can ruin your future outlook on men....for the rest of your life!

 

There is a good husband out there somewhere for you, and children....a good life. What if this guy spoils all of that for you?

 

Please think of your future.

 

I couldn't agree more, child. My daughter is 23 and if she was "dating" a marrried 34 year old, I take her to have her head examined ... right after I killed him.

 

Beautiful, really, listen to everyone, especially IWALH. She really knows what's she talking about. You're just a baby for God's sake. Please break this off now before you get hurt. He's only been married a year and is having an A? That is so hard to believe. I feel sorry for his W. This guy is a predator.

[child_of_isis]

I would just call the wife and ask her....or better yet, get the address and go see her. If he is unhappy, made a horrible mistake, etc....he won't mind you doing this. It will save him from doing it.

 

Do not be afraid of the W. Most men paint the W as horribly wicked and mean. That is so the OW will be afraid of her. And will not phone/visit her to get the truth about things, and bust him out.

 

But really, most W's are nice (he married her, right?) and will appreciate the fact that you told them.

 

Don't tell the MM that you are going to see W. Or he tell W that you are some sort of psycho stalker who is out to destroy his M before you have a chance to visit her.