Action's Speak Louder than Word's!

[Meaplus3]

After a long drawn out EA, a failing marriage and a ton of hurt I have my Answer! It's "Action's"! Simply one word that I unserstand now fully. After having an EA with a man that I thought loved me, and beign in a marriage that's filled with Emotinal abuse, well it's the "Action"'s of both of these men that made me realize something is not right in an "R" with either one. H for example with the lack of disrepect, and MM with the NC and pullling away becasue of his own fear's. Why have I become so prone to men that treat me this way? Well that's because I still have to work on myself. Needed to vent, chime in if you will?

 

AP:)

[Scott_W]

I've read your posts. Forgive me if I'm wrong in my conclusions about you.

 

It seems to me that not only are you hurt by the longstanding abuse from your husband but your were also hurt (and even pissed) that the OM that you had an EA with completely wussed out on you. I mean, it seems to me that after he "chickened out" you had a hard and confusing time trying to understand just exactly WHY you were hurt by the OM. But it turns out, now, that it's because he COULD have and SHOULD have man-ed up and and taken you. Sexually and everything else! You wanted that! To feel loved and desired and for other reasons.

 

But at that time you weren't quite yet in tune with your own needs and feelings.

 

THIS is what I read when you say what you say about actions!

 

Am I off base?

.

[Meaplus3]

I've read your posts. Forgive me if I'm wrong in my conclusions about you.

 

It seems to me that not only are you hurt by the longstanding abuse from your husband but your were also hurt (and even pissed) that the OM that you had an EA with completely wussed out on you. I mean, it seems to me that after he "chickened out" you had a hard and confusing time trying to understand just exactly WHY you were hurt by the OM. But it turns out, now, that it's because he COULD have and SHOULD have man-ed up and and taken you. Sexually and everything else! You wanted that! To feel loved and desired and for other reasons.

 

But at that time you weren't quite yet in tune with your own needs and feelings.

 

THIS is what I read when you say what you say about actions!

 

Am I off base?

.

 

Thank's for your reply. Your are not off base at all infact what you wrote is exactly correct.

 

AP:)

[OpenBook]

it's the "Action"'s of both of these men that made me realize something is not right in an "R" with either one.

 

My singleton girlfriends and I have been learning (the hard way!) that you should NEVER pay attention to anything a man SAYS, and instead ALWAYS look at what he DOES, when sizing up his character. I don't know if that's also true in a married relationship... but I have a hard time believing that a leopard would change his spots just because he got married.

 

Why have I become so prone to men that treat me this way? Well that's because I still have to work on myself.

 

I'll wager there's nothing wrong with you. You may simply tend to trust others too soon, before you've had a chance to let them prove themselves to you. I hope you're not blaming yourself for others' bad behavior! It's a reflection of THEM, not YOU. It may simply be a matter of changing your strategy in dealing with others.

 

And "working on yourself" is a lifetime effort, for everyone. The advantage a person has as they get older is that (simply because of more life experience under their belt) they get SMARTER about what things to work on, and what things to leave alone!

[OpenBook]

It seems to me that not only are you hurt by the longstanding abuse from your husband but your were also hurt (and even pissed) that the OM that you had an EA with completely wussed out on you. I mean, it seems to me that after he "chickened out" you had a hard and confusing time trying to understand just exactly WHY you were hurt by the OM. But it turns out, now, that it's because he COULD have and SHOULD have man-ed up and and taken you. Sexually and everything else! You wanted that! To feel loved and desired and for other reasons.

 

I think you're very lucky that he "wussed out" before anything else happened. You'd be feeling 10 times worse right now if it had gone any further.

 

You simply invested your time and emotions into someone who was not worthy of them. Easy mistake to make. Valuable lesson learned.

 

Now it's time to take your power back. He has not obtained the benefit of having YOU. His loss. And your gain.

 

As for your H, I'd put my foot down and tell him, into MC we go, or I'm outta here!! No one has the right to constantly ridicule and belittle another person.

 

Again, it's a reflection of HIM, not YOU.

[Scott_W]

I don't see a "pattern" in your case that suggests you're "drawn" toward any type that is hurting you. What (seems to me) you're seeking is to be loved and desired and treated well ... very normal.

 

I think you should decide if you would want to keep your H even if he did change. If YES, then warn him that it's over if he doesn't, get some counseling together. If NO then start building the where-with-all to really leave him - maybe see a counselor by youself to help you that way.

 

I believe that you might later find a man a man who will give you what you need.

 

I also think that #1 choice is to find that man. The #2 choice is to be single. But being married to an abusive man is no choice at all.

 

In other words, I don't see that there's anything wrong with you.

[Meaplus3]

I don't see a "pattern" in your case that suggests you're "drawn" toward any type that is hurting you. What (seems to me) you're seeking is to be loved and desired and treated well ... very normal.

 

I think you should decide if you would want to keep your H even if he did change. If YES, then warn him that it's over if he doesn't, get some counseling together. If NO then start building the where-with-all to really leave him - maybe see a counselor by youself to help you that way.

 

I believe that you might later find a man a man who will give you what you need.

 

I also think that #1 choice is to find that man. The #2 choice is to be single. But being married to an abusive man is no choice at all.

 

In other words, I don't see that there's anything wrong with you.

 

you're seeking is to be loved and desired and treated well ... very normal.

 

That's exactly it! My Therapsit has told me the same thing. I guess I am so afraid that MC won't cut it in our case because I am terrified that to much of my H's personality is the opposite of what I need, and how is a MC going to fix that?

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

I think you're very lucky that he "wussed out" before anything else happened. You'd be feeling 10 times worse right now if it had gone any further.

 

You simply invested your time and emotions into someone who was not worthy of them. Easy mistake to make. Valuable lesson learned.

 

Now it's time to take your power back. He has not obtained the benefit of having YOU. His loss. And your gain.

 

As for your H, I'd put my foot down and tell him, into MC we go, or I'm outta here!! No one has the right to constantly ridicule and belittle another person.

 

Again, it's a reflection of HIM, not YOU.

 

Now it's time to take your power back. He has not obtained the benefit of having YOU. His loss. And your gain.

 

Well said Open! I will receit this line over and over again in my head to help with the feeling's of rejection! I also much keep telling myself that XMM is most likely involved in another ea or who know's perhap's even a pa with someone else by now. This Xmm get's away with lying to his wife and need's such attention from other woman that I am sure I will not be his last. It's clear to me that his W does not adore him like he desires.

 

AP:)