If I had the wisdom of 1000 years

[Scott_W]

If I had the wisdom of 1000 years what would I decide.

 

Would I say, "To hell with everything and stay with her"

Or would I dump her and completely turn my back on her?

 

I'm in NC now and sometimes I wonder if this might be the biggest mistake I've made.

But five minutes from now, I'll be convinced, again, that staying with her would be the biggist mistake I've ever made.

Up and down, up and down ... day in and day out. Pretty screwed up

 

She will probably never leave her husband. He's a mess physically and emotionally and she says they have had no sex since her and I got together over seven years ago.

 

When we're together, it's the kind of sex and closeness that I've only fantacized about all my life. I know many will say that would fade somewhat if we were really together but her current plan is to stay as we've been all these years ... just banging each other and enjoying the fairy tale.

 

Years ago I didn't care if we got busted ... but now I don't want that, for many reasons.

 

Is it possible that this kind of thing is so rare, that I will regret leaving her in the years to come? Or is this kind of thinking just stupid?

 

I'm normally decisive but not on this one.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. When we're together, it's the kind of sex and closeness that I've only fantacized about all my life.

 

2. I know many will say that would fade somewhat if we were really together but her current plan is to stay as we've been all these years ... just banging each other and enjoying the fairy tale.

 

3. Is it possible that this kind of thing is so rare, that I will regret leaving her in the years to come? Or is this kind of thinking just stupid?

 

1. Of course it is. When a person has an affair, they give the affair partner their best sexual 'A' game because it works best that way in the MM/MW favor. Why you ask?

 

a. It keeps the affair partner right where they want them (waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...)

b. Giving a good 'A' game means getting enthusiastic 'A' game sex yourself - pretty much any time you want it. OW/OM are very compliant in this way.

 

2. I guess it comes down to what you want as a part of a fulfilling and healthy relationship. This 'fairytale' (nightmare, as you'll eventually come to see it) will wear down your soul eventually. You may be getting great sex, but at what emotional cost?

 

3. It is as rare as oxygen, unfortunately. I expect that when you meet someone who is free to love you openly and honestly, and fall in love and start a legit life with you, you'll have no regrets: only a sense that MW was actually standing in the way of your happiness rather than being the source of it.

[BurriedAlive]

I know exactly how you feel Scott! I seem to be all over the place too. I always picture in my mind what a meeting would be like between xMM and me. And depending on the day, I would act differently. Somedays if he were to contact me I would tell him how much I love him and miss him and I would do anything to have sex with him just one more time. There are other days where I would either hang up on him or if he showed up at my house, I would tell him to leave now. Then there are other days where I would take the time and listen to what he had to say and then tell him exactly the pain and torture he has caused me. But no matter what mood I am in, I am quickly able to remind myself of the coward and selfish jerk he really is and that no matter what, I am 100% better off without him. The more you continue to think about your MW and have the possible regret of having left her, the less likely you are going to be able to move on. You will never be able to find what you had with MW with a single girl if you are still with MW. You made the right decision and you will eventually be better off! Nobody deserves to be the side dish!

[Meaplus3]

If I had the wisdom of 1000 years what would I decide.

 

Would I say, "To hell with everything and stay with her"

Or would I dump her and completely turn my back on her?

 

I'm in NC now and sometimes I wonder if this might be the biggest mistake I've made.

But five minutes from now, I'll be convinced, again, that staying with her would be the biggist mistake I've ever made.

Up and down, up and down ... day in and day out. Pretty screwed up

 

She will probably never leave her husband. He's a mess physically and emotionally and she says they have had no sex since her and I got together over seven years ago.

 

When we're together, it's the kind of sex and closeness that I've only fantacized about all my life. I know many will say that would fade somewhat if we were really together but her current plan is to stay as we've been all these years ... just banging each other and enjoying the fairy tale.

 

Years ago I didn't care if we got busted ... but now I don't want that, for many reasons.

 

Is it possible that this kind of thing is so rare, that I will regret leaving her in the years to come? Or is this kind of thinking just stupid?

 

I'm normally decisive but not on this one.

 

I think it's very normal to be indecisive in these types of situations. Who really ever know's that one day while married they will fall into an A? I think in general with Ea's and A's there's a whole host of emotion's that cloud the person's judgement. I would keep posting and reading here and perhap's one day you will figure out where you want the A to lead.

 

AP:)

[IWALH]

1. Of course it is. When a person has an affair, they give the affair partner their best sexual 'A' game because it works best that way in the MM/MW favor. Why you ask?

 

a. It keeps the affair partner right where they want them (waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...)

b. Giving a good 'A' game means getting enthusiastic 'A' game sex yourself - pretty much any time you want it. OW/OM are very compliant in this way.

 

Ah, so so so true.

[PoshPrincess]

Scott, having an A is a massive rollercoaster ride so you are bound to be feeling indecisive. I am the same as you, I wonder if things could have worked out differently if I had handled the whole sitch in another way. Why did I keep going NC and then giving in? Sometimes I DO regret it but then sometimes I just think, "WTH, it wouldn't have worked out anyway!" He still wouldn't have left whatever I'd done! Who knows really? All I know is that I cannot change the past. At the end of last year I tried everything going to get him back, bar telling the W and emotional blackmail of course! I tried making out that we were just mates, then telling him how I really felt, everything. At the end of the day, if he had wanted to leave, he would have done so.

 

I really feel for you. I still miss my MM, although I do feel a lot of animosity towards him too. Like BurriedAlive, I play out little scenarios in my head of what would happen if we were to bump into each other. How would I handle it? Also like BA, this varies from one day to the next.

 

Maybe one day we will ALL look back and wonder what we were doing? We have to hope that this is going to get easier.

[Scott_W]

1. Of course it is. When a person has an affair, they give the affair partner their best sexual 'A' game because it works best that way in the MM/MW favor. Why you ask?

 

a. It keeps the affair partner right where they want them (waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...)

b. Giving a good 'A' game means getting enthusiastic 'A' game sex yourself - pretty much any time you want it. OW/OM are very compliant in this way.

 

2. I guess it comes down to what you want as a part of a fulfilling and healthy relationship. This 'fairytale' (nightmare, as you'll eventually come to see it) will wear down your soul eventually. You may be getting great sex, but at what emotional cost?

 

3. It is as rare as oxygen, unfortunately. I expect that when you meet someone who is free to love you openly and honestly, and fall in love and start a legit life with you, you'll have no regrets: only a sense that MW was actually standing in the way of your happiness rather than being the source of it.

 

We have been giving each other our "A" game ... for sure.

 

Yes, this is standing in my way of being happy.

After about six years I finally started wanting to enjoy being single and having a chance to find "my own" girl but at least enjoy being single meanwhile. That and the idea of being man enough to finally "do the right thing" if you will.

At least wanting that most of the time. Enough of the time finally to do what I'm doing now.

.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If I had the wisdom of 1000 years what would I decide.

 

 

 

 

If freckles were lovely, and day was night, And measles were nice and a lie warn't a lie, Life would be delight,-- But things couldn't go right For in such a sad plight I wouldn't be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence, And past was present, and false was true, There might be some sense But I'd be in suspense For on such a pretense You wouldn't be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square, And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee Things would seem fair,-- Yet they'd all despair, For if here was there We wouldn't be we.

e.e. cummings

[Scott_W]

I think it's very normal to be indecisive in these types of situations. Who really ever know's that one day while married they will fall into an A? I think in general with Ea's and A's there's a whole host of emotion's that cloud the person's judgement. I would keep posting and reading here and perhap's one day you will figure out where you want the A to lead.

 

AP:)

 

Thanks AP,

 

Cloudy judgement ... look it up in Websters and see a picture of me

 

All along I WANTED this to lead to being together.

But now, NOT ... unless she really wants to end her marriage, on her own now, without anymore pushing for me. It feels good to at least be able to see the possibilties that are in my future.

 

I'm single! I'm succesful, not bad looking

... and she's helped me bring out my "A" game - ooh! ooh!

Maybe I'll find a girl I can give THAT too ... and get her "A" game back in return.

Only next time ... that girl will be available for just me.

 

Maybe I can at least practice my game ... meanwhile.

[Scott_W]

If I had the wisdom of 1000 years what would I decide.

 

If freckles were lovely, and day was night, And measles were nice and a lie warn't a lie, Life would be delight,-- But things couldn't go right For in such a sad plight I wouldn't be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence, And past was present, and false was true, There might be some sense But I'd be in suspense For on such a pretense You wouldn't be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square, And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee Things would seem fair,-- Yet they'd all despair, For if here was there We wouldn't be we.

e.e. cummings

 

Now THERE! See! That's just what I was thinkin' ...

THAT is the wisdom of a 1000 years.

 

Seriously ... it's like there's a feeling that being so in love with powerful chemistry ... that some twisted wisdom, opposite of what was always wise before ... now all makes sense.

 

But I'm walking around in a crowded world all by myself - except for when I'm with her.

 

The only place I can come, where others understand me, is this place.

But frankly, I think some of you are nuts!

.

[torranceshipman]

'... just banging each other and enjoying the fairy tale. ', lol, Scott you are such a romantic, lol!!! :D

[Cliche]

The only place I can come, where others understand me, is this place.

But frankly, I think some of you are nuts!

.

HEY! I resemble that remark! LMAO.

[RamChops]

First post ... chose your thread as your situation really hit home for me.

 

Wow, 7 years ... after 10 months as an OM I am feeling that I should try to let go to save my sanity, stop the pain of the constant separation and pining, and look after my interests for a change, but the feelings are just too deep, everything is so crazy and addictive ... and in a way I know I'd probably hurt her too, by rejecting her, damaging her pride and withdrawing the affection she longs for, which is the last thing I want to do to someone I am frantically in love with.

 

That said, I am only prepared to spend so long being the fantasy guy in my MW's life, her escape from the humdrum world that she has somewhat unwittingly found herself in. She is welcome to me in totality, now or in the future as I am not cynical about our love for each other and compatibility for a future life together. Nonetheless, when I inevitably get to the point where I could and should be fostering a loving relationship with someone to whom my life will be devoted, I will not sacrifice that happiness for a relationship, no matter how sweet, with someone who cannot commit to me, who does not see the benefits of my companionship as a risk worth taking and has to hang on to the security and baggage of what is in effect a relationship that has failed ... the time is not ripe for me yet, but good for you Scott!

[child_of_isis]

Men don't stay in sexless marriages for 7 years. Unless they are dying or something.

 

I am not believeing this anymore than I am believing the "sexless" stories that MM tell their OW's.

 

She will probably never leave her husband. He's a mess physically and emotionally and she says they have had no sex since her and I got together over seven years ago.

 

[Scott_W]

First post ... chose your thread as your situation really hit home for me.

 

Wow, 7 years ... after 10 months as an OM I am feeling that I should try to let go to save my sanity, stop the pain of the constant separation and pining, and look after my interests for a change, but the feelings are just too deep, everything is so crazy and addictive ... and in a way I know I'd probably hurt her too, by rejecting her, damaging her pride and withdrawing the affection she longs for, which is the last thing I want to do to someone I am frantically in love with.

 

That said, I am only prepared to spend so long being the fantasy guy in my MW's life, her escape from the humdrum world that she has somewhat unwittingly found herself in. She is welcome to me in totality, now or in the future as I am not cynical about our love for each other and compatibility for a future life together. Nonetheless, when I inevitably get to the point where I could and should be fostering a loving relationship with someone to whom my life will be devoted, I will not sacrifice that happiness for a relationship, no matter how sweet, with someone who cannot commit to me, who does not see the benefits of my companionship as a risk worth taking and has to hang on to the security and baggage of what is in effect a relationship that has failed ... the time is not ripe for me yet, but good for you Scott!

 

IMO, It's not possible to leave her until you're really ready, and even then it's easier said than done. Every day I regret not doing this sooner. But then I alwasy have to remind myself that I didn't yet have what it takes.

 

I also held on because she kept assuring me she would get free. I didn't have the benifit of knowing how common it is to for a married person to never really follow through. Now I know. I know that she can't and I know I'm in a large circle of OMs who got stuck like this.

 

For me, it took counseling and self help studies and seminars to get the where-with-all to go NC. I also finally realized that I was enabling her.

 

I suppose that my leaving her might shake her loose, but I'm not quitting for that reason. To me that would just be a form of control that would only back fire on us later on.

 

I wish you the best.

[Scott_W]

Men don't stay in sexless marriages for 7 years. Unless they are dying or something.

 

I am not believeing this anymore than I am believing the "sexless" stories that MM tell their OW's.

 

I understand. What kind of man would stay? And undoubtedly, many who say they're not sleeping with the mate might be lying. And there are plenty of people who will say, "If she loves me she'll leave him, therefor she doesn't love me". But that's easy to say and for many nearly impossible to do. To pick the day when you actually have that talk with the mate and really leave.

 

Anyway, you'd have to know them. He's in such bad shape that he can't move from one part of the house to another part without stopping for a rest. She's a care giver and hasn't been able to hurt him.

 

After years of assuring me that she would get free, I finally realized she had hoped that "something" would just "happen", like he would get fed up and leave her. She figured that this feels so right that somehow it would happen. Like I said , she just doesn't have what it takes to leave him.

 

Now, after all this time, even I cringe at the thought of what will happen to him the day she really walks out out him. That thought even brings tears to my eyes and now I'm thinking, what the hell was wrong with me during all that time that I never really thought about him enough to care. That part really bothers me, like I've given up a basic humanity thing, for my own selfish reasons. I'm ashamed ... like WTF have I become?

 

What I'm saying is, I believer her. I believe she's not having sex with him, and I believe that he'll stick around rather than lose her. I used to think he was being a wuss for not walking out, but now I feel so bad for him. I realize that I'm enabling their situation. She and her husband need to work things out without me in the picture.

 

FWIW: For me, and probably you too, no-sex is unthinkable. Nevertheless, there ARE sexless marriages, a lot of them. Each one is made up of one or both mates who, for whatever reason, are hanging on without sex.

 

Bottom line is: I believe her.

.