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the "it's all about the kids" lie


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annabelle75

After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

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I couldn't agree with you more. It's definitely a way for them to string OW along. It makes them look somewhat "honorable." :rolleyes: Give me a break.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

 

Hi Annabelle,

 

I completely agree. The statistics show it. There's no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage (including children) unless you want to be there.

 

My MM maintained that he would never allow his children to witness an unhappy marriage and stay with his W for the sake of the kids - until the day we broke up when he suddenly decided he felt guilty!

 

When he rang after we had split to tell me how much he missed me, wanted me back etc. I told him that the guilt he felt wouldn't disappear and suddenly it was back to "Well, the kids will be grown soon and then what am I left with? A marriage to someone I dont want to be with?" I would put a bet on it that if I had given him a second chance, as soon as things get heavy it would have become "My kids just miss me too much. I'm taking such a gamble with their lives by leaving for you". Nothing like a bit of pressure is there?

 

Its an easy get out clause. That nasty W who forces him into staying because our hero, the MM, cant bear to wake up every morning and see his childrens faces - its a fairytale. I can imagine that it is extremely difficult to leave children, but MM who are truly sure their M is over wouldn't entertain the idea of putting their childrens lives through a cold home environment with possible arguments, lack of emotion. As they (whoever they are) say, children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

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Its just part and parcel of the lies that MM use to string along either of the women.

 

When my H decided to work on our M, I told him if it was because he wanted access to our kids, he needn't worry about that. I would never deny them their father. I wasn't concerned about punishing him using the kids.

 

What I think is unfortunate, though, is that the lie works. How many OW absolutely admire the MM for wanting to be there for his kids? Yuck.

 

And MM claim that the BW use the kids :rolleyes:

 

I personally think that staying together for the kids only works if you make a go at actually REPAIRING the M, not the illusion of one.

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child_of_isis

What freaks me out is that women fall for this line.

 

Ack! It is just too obvious. Too lame. It is right up there with 'we don't get along' 'we don't have sex' and 'she will take all of my money'.

 

The lines have been around as long as marriage. It is hard to believe that they are still being used, and being used effectively.

 

It blows the mind.

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After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

I think that no matter what reason he puts out there, this is the basic conclusion. Anything else is just a facade that is more comfortable for him to say, and may be more comfortable for the OW to believe. But doesn't the bottom line have to be: "I don't want you enough to change what I've got."

 

And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

Isn't there one other choice not listed? The one where the parents decide to stay together and work on the marriage? I'm thinking if I were a kid, that's the one I would choose.

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage.

Nor, if you think about it, is any person truly "strung along" in an affair. You are as trapped as you allow yourself to be. You are as "strung along" as you allow yourself to be.

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But doesn't the bottom line have to be: "I don't want you enough to change what I've got."

 

 

Trimmer, I'll do you one better.

 

The bottom line should read more like: "I am not looking to change my life, just enhance it". But if a MM said that, he'd not likely get/keep an OW (well, maybe one like Lizzie - not a dig, just a statement) for long.

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Trimmer, I'll do you one better.

 

The bottom line should read more like: "I am not looking to change my life, just enhance it". But if a MM said that, he'd not likely get/keep an OW (well, maybe one like Lizzie - not a dig, just a statement) for long.

Sounds about right. And therefore, the affair depends just as much on lies within the affair as it does lies within the marriage. Somehow, this doesn't sound like a completely healthy situation to me...

 

What do you think of my assertion that the OW being "strung along in the affair" is just as much a fallacy as the husband being "trapped in the marriage?"

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Freedom Now

I agree with everyone. Excuses, excuses, excuses...

 

It is and always will be about HIM.

 

NID....

 

The bottom line that you said is spot on. I couldn't have said it any better.

 

Pigs....all of them.

 

You don't mess up lives for your own pleasure.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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Trialbyfire
It is and always will be about HIM.

 

You don't mess up lives for your own pleasure.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Bang on FN.

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I agree...divorced parents is a better situation for children than unhappy parents who are cheating. The children eventually realize that something is wrong. I happened to grow up with unhappily married parents who are still together. People who I know who have divorced parents seem to be in a better situation, its very common now.

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I don't quite agree... In many many cases, it's true... they're not in love with their W but not miserable enough to leave her... They adore their kids...so they stay in the M for the kids... that I'm convinced.

 

I have been with enough MM and they all confided to me, knowing very well that there is no possible relationship with me... so why would they lie to me... and I believe them... they say they stay for the kids... and their lifestyle.. not for the W... they don't hate her and are not necessarily unhappy... and that doesn't mean that they don't love the OW... they love the OW more than their W most of the time... but not enough to leave their kids & their lifestyle... it's that simple...

 

They are indeed selfish and they enjoy the OW on one side, and when they return home... they enjoy their family life.

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My MM uses the same line on me, but gets mad when I accuse him of "using a line." He said in the past that he would never stay with his wife for the children, but that's what he's doing. But then again, what do I know? I know "we aren't happy" "we fight all the time" "we don't have sex" etc.

 

I don't know why I keep going back, this just rips me apart inside. It affects your life in so many ways.....

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After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

 

I would agree with you that for most MM the kid's are a big reason for staying, however I also believe that it's the "Finances" that are also a major issue, especially if mm's spouse bring's in more Doe than MM. This is the case with my Xmm's marriage. I also think that as along as they get along pretty well with their spouse then "Why leave if your comfy with most part's of your life? Just my thought's.

 

AP:)

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IfWishesWereHorses

Ahh, This is what gets me. I offered my WH, the kids, the house (for 10 years then sell or buy me out). I want half of investements now, and my name off any debt (which is mostly the mortgage) and my car and car insurance paid for the first year until I get on my feet. So, keep the kids, house, no child support allimony, ect... draw it up, I'll sign tomorrow and you can move her ass in. NO, NO, NO he still begs take me back????:confused:

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What do you think of my assertion that the OW being "strung along in the affair" is just as much a fallacy as the husband being "trapped in the marriage?"

 

 

I totally agree with you. I believe that both believe themselves to be some sort of cosmic victims, if you will. No one is "stuck" or "trapped" in anything.

 

For the most part, I believe MM say that they are stuck in the M so much that they start to believe it and that makes it easier for the OW to believe it when he's so sincere. But most OW don't start thinking about being strung along until it is basically over, but the MM won't "let them go" (as in, keeps begging for them to stay in the A in some capacity). Each side seems really afraid to make a decision and stick to it. End the A. End the M. One is going to have to if a healthy R is what either party really wants.

 

But the lies the MP tells about the children is annoying and aggravating. If the MM does leave, it only sets up the OW to hate the children or be hated by those children. The MM that lies about how much the children mean to him, is invariably bound by those lies to keep putting the OW second, third, fourth or whatever to those kids. I have read too many stories about the OW that hates how the kids now come between her and her divorcing MM. It makes for a good transitional R, though.

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TiredOfWaiting

Yes, I've heard that for many years now. And now MM's kids are grown and in college. And now the excuse is "how can I bring you to XXXXX's wedding....and she's not even engaged! LS has taught me that my affair was no different than any other affair. They lie, they manipulate, and they deceive everyone around them. It's so disappointing to think I spent so many years believing and he, to this day, continues to lie. How do MM's in an affair sleep at night? It must be exhausting!

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LS has taught me that my affair was no different than any other affair. They lie, they manipulate, and they deceive everyone around them.

 

I agree. Yet there are still those in denial about it.

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Yes, I've heard that for many years now. And now MM's kids are grown and in college. And now the excuse is "how can I bring you to XXXXX's wedding....and she's not even engaged! LS has taught me that my affair was no different than any other affair. They lie, they manipulate, and they deceive everyone around them. It's so disappointing to think I spent so many years believing and he, to this day, continues to lie. How do MM's in an affair sleep at night? It must be exhausting!

 

They sleep... because it is exhausting... LOL

 

Seriously... most sleep, they don't really think about it the way you think about it.

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I agree...very few MM intend to leave their wives. The main reasons that they begin affairs is to satisfy something that they are missing...not because they love you (the OW). The OW could have been someone else...it is about timing that you were "chosen."

 

But as the affair progresses, a certain affection does develop, and then they say what is needed to keep both the W and the OW. The OW is needed to satisfy the thrill factor and the "I am a macho, special guy because I have a mistress" factor. Very few men want to leave their family because many of them do not expect to keep the OW. The OW is a diversion because they are either mad at their wife or they have convinced themselves that the OW is more thrilling...currently. This does not equal love, though. And when a man marries a woman, many memories are created through time. The longer he is married, the more likely he will stay. That is also why so many betrayed wives also take their cheating husbands back.

 

Cheating is just that....an opportunity to have your cake and eat it, too. If the MM left his wife, the OW just becomes another woman who could become the wife. Then the thrill is gone.

 

So I see it as a guy.

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outofdarkness
After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

I disagree that no person is truly trapped in a marriage..There are those whose safety and very lives are at stake...Look at THOSE statistics too...

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well said james........I am a MW who HAD been having an A with a MM. I say HAD b/c I am in the NC stage for hopefully the last time as I have tried NC many times before.

Funny b/c as I am online I just received an e-mail.......first one in a week since I said goodbye....

all it said was " I cant get over you".....I deleted it and that is that. I am determined to keep walking so to speak.

I guess I am not surprised b/c like I said I've said goodbye before during the 3 plus year A.

He has said so many of the same lines I keep reading here on this forum.....I have never asked him to leave b/c I never planned on leaving although all I have heard was how miserable he is and how he is leaving and wants me....blah blah blah.

I never promised anything. sure there were times when I thought i wanted that too......when i was with him and the "drug" swept me away but truthfully there was so much I dont like about him, it's just that at times it felt so good......I def. could never trust him and when reality would set in, I would see that and wonder what I was doing with him.....

so tell me, as from a man's point of view, what is the real deal.......what are they really thinking?????

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child_of_isis

This is so spot on. Another thing that I truly believe is this "thing" that is missing is within themselves.

 

They look externally for the solution. Of course it is not found, and the A becomes a diversion and an escape.

 

 

I agree...very few MM intend to leave their wives. The main reasons that they begin affairs is to satisfy something that they are missing...not because they love you (the OW). The OW could have been someone else...it is about timing that you were "chosen."

 

But as the affair progresses, a certain affection does develop, and then they say what is needed to keep both the W and the OW. The OW is needed to satisfy the thrill factor and the "I am a macho, special guy because I have a mistress" factor. Very few men want to leave their family because many of them do not expect to keep the OW. The OW is a diversion because they are either mad at their wife or they have convinced themselves that the OW is more thrilling...currently. This does not equal love, though. And when a man marries a woman, many memories are created through time. The longer he is married, the more likely he will stay. That is also why so many betrayed wives also take their cheating husbands back.

 

Cheating is just that....an opportunity to have your cake and eat it, too. If the MM left his wife, the OW just becomes another woman who could become the wife. Then the thrill is gone.

 

So I see it as a guy.

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PoshPrincess
I agree...very few MM intend to leave their wives. The main reasons that they begin affairs is to satisfy something that they are missing...not because they love you (the OW). The OW could have been someone else...it is about timing that you were "chosen."

 

But as the affair progresses, a certain affection does develop, and then they say what is needed to keep both the W and the OW. The OW is needed to satisfy the thrill factor and the "I am a macho, special guy because I have a mistress" factor. Very few men want to leave their family because many of them do not expect to keep the OW. The OW is a diversion because they are either mad at their wife or they have convinced themselves that the OW is more thrilling...currently. This does not equal love, though. And when a man marries a woman, many memories are created through time. The longer he is married, the more likely he will stay. That is also why so many betrayed wives also take their cheating husbands back.

 

Cheating is just that....an opportunity to have your cake and eat it, too. If the MM left his wife, the OW just becomes another woman who could become the wife. Then the thrill is gone.

 

So I see it as a guy.

 

Good to hear your opinion, James. I would like to know if you have kids yourself. It would be great to hear the opinions of the guys on here who DO have kids.

 

I am going to play devil's advocate here. I am not saying I don't agree that a lot of the "I can't leave because of the kids" stuff isn't BS. I had the same 'excuses' from my exMM. I definitely think the kids thing is a contributing factor. I left my exP after 8 years but I know that I would never have done so had it meant leaving my son. Of course, that is a woman's POV! I couldn't imagine choosing anyone over my son! I guess with a woman there is also a lot more sitgma attached when they do leave their kids whereas if a man does it, it's fairly normal.

 

This has been discussed before and I always wonder the same thing. Does it make a man selfish for leaving his kids for a OW, or does it just mean that they are stronger? I always think it depends on the ages of the kids too.

 

BTW, I am definitely NOT saying that kids are better off if their parents stay together. I am proof (I hope) that children thrive just as well living with one parent. My son's father plays a very active role in his upbringing so I am one of the lucky ones. I feel that my son is better off now but I left for my sake, no one elses, and I hold my hands up to that!

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annabelle75

 

Good to hear your opinion, James. I would like to know if you have kids yourself. It would be great to hear the opinions of the guys on here who DO have kids.

 

I am going to play devil's advocate here. I am not saying I don't agree that a lot of the "I can't leave because of the kids" stuff isn't BS. I had the same 'excuses' from my exMM. I definitely think the kids thing is a contributing factor. I left my exP after 8 years but I know that I would never have done so had it meant leaving my son. Of course, that is a woman's POV! I couldn't imagine choosing anyone over my son! I guess with a woman there is also a lot more sitgma attached when they do leave their kids whereas if a man does it, it's fairly normal.

 

This has been discussed before and I always wonder the same thing. Does it make a man selfish for leaving his kids for a OW, or does it just mean that they are stronger? I always think it depends on the ages of the kids too.

 

BTW, I am definitely NOT saying that kids are better off if their parents stay together. I am proof (I hope) that children thrive just as well living with one parent. My son's father plays a very active role in his upbringing so I am one of the lucky ones. I feel that my son is better off now but I left for my sake, no one elses, and I hold my hands up to that!

 

The point of my argument is that divorcing your spouse does not mean "leaving your kids." As a divorced parent, when I made the choice to leave my husband I did not leave my daughter as well. We share custody and both consider ourselves full time parents. Niether of us left our child. We just no longer live together.

 

I'm not sure why so many people think that by leaving a spouse a person is leaving their children as well. Just becasue the parents no longer live together doesn't mean one parent is giving up being a parent.

 

I know there are cases where the spouse does abandon the whole family. Infact I read about one not so very long ago here where a father left his pregnant wife for another woman and pretty much abandoned her with their children and moved away. It does happen and people like that have no right to parents in the first place. What I am saying is in general people don't leave their children, they leave their marriages.

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