conflicted Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 I am a happily married woman. My husband is very caring, smart, handsome, and nice. We have been together 10 years and married over 7 years. He is my best friend, and I love him very much. We still feel very attracted to each other and have no problem in the bedroom either. I met the other man in Feb through work. We hit it off right away. He kept calling and emailing me, and did not stop when I told him that I was married. My husband is the total opposite of me. I am a city girl, and he is more of a nature man. I love getting dolled up and going out, but he is retired from night life. He also does not drink. The other man and I are almost identical twins. We both went through awful childhood and share identical tastes in music, food, etc. At first, I thought innocently we could be good going-out friends. A lot of my girlfriends are now married with children and have moved to the suburb. He was always willing to go out any day and time. After the third time I saw him, he kissed me, and I did not stop him. It's July, and we are still kissing, but have not done anything else. I read many posts here and contrast to many MW/OM couples, we actually go out and do stuff. We watch movies together, go picnic, go antiquing/dancing, etc. I think the reason is because I can not take him home due to the obvious reason, and he does not want to bring me to his "small room". He said he is too embarrassed. He is in his 30's and still rents a 400-a-month room. He has a clocks-in-out type job. I don't think he even finished a community college. On the other hand, my husband and I have the highest degrees and have professional jobs. We are doing great financially and live in a gorgeous house, downtown. I am confused. What is WRONG with me? I have a perfect marriage. Don't girls usually stray because their husband is less than what they've expected and want something younger, better, and possibly richer? The other man is older, poorer, and worse in every area that I can think of....except we share many similarities. It's fun to hang out with him. The other man was single when I met him, but in April, his on-and-off girlfriend came back to the states. Luckily, both of us are handling our emotions pretty well. We don't feel the need of seeing each other all the time. We hang when we can. The only thing that separates him from my gay/girlfriends is that we kiss when we see each other. I know IT'S WRONG. I know I must stop now before anybody finds it out. I am confused, but I know a couple of things; 1> I don't want "divorce". I love my husband. I know there's no happy ending with the other man. 2> Sooner or later, someone is going to see us. I live in a small city. I've been searching for an answer to my "strange" behavior. When I met my husband, I was 19. He was my first man. I have to admit that I was curious about other men. Although my marriage is great, I do miss the rush/high that you get when you first start going out with a new person. Seriously, I could think nothing else, but the other man during the first three months. I giggled a lot and got blushed just at the thought of his face, words, and text/phone messages. I still like him, but I don't feel the date high anymore. I know it's time to break it off. I know this in my head, but to my disgust, I find myself calling/emailing/texting him almost every other day. Please help me stop this madness. Any advice or tough love would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 If you really love your Husband why do you choose to do this to him behind his back? Can this guy do something for you that your Husband can't? What is so special about him? Is it just the fact that he gives you some attention? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 YOU ARE MARRIED... Why you would be going out with this other man when you have a good life going for you is beyond me...What do you tell your H? Are you honest about what you're doing and where you're going or do you lie or omit information? You clearly find yourself superior to him (OM) and that seems to be why you like him... I can't see how you would miss the rush when you first start going out with someone since it's happened only once in your life...I think you're romanticizing ALOT... It seems that you are risking alot here...and all for someone that you don't hold in very high esteem...I feel sorry for him and your H...you don't seem very nice... Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Tough love you say...? Oh-kay. Here's the thing... you continue seeing the OM. Physically sooner or later things progress from 'just kissing' to 'more than just kissing'. In addition to which you already seem to have a situation where you are both co-dependent because you know it's wrong (for both of you) and yet neither of you can or will stop. So... sooner or later, people in small cities will talk when they see you. That will lead to your husband discovering your affair ... because make no mistake, it is an affair. At which point you may not have any choice about whether you choose to stay with your husband or not. Your home life will be rocked to beyond devastation and back again. You run the risk of not only losing your husband but your home too (cos I'm damn sure he'd want his half of everything he put in whilst you're out there having a good time with good-time-boy). By the way what do you tell H when you're out with this guy...? That will put you through two major life changing events in a short period of time. With that level of stress you will be predisposed to clinical depression etc. If you can see all this now... why would you continue...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author conflicted Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 Thank you for your thoughts. I agree with all of you. I am a horrible person. I go out on Friday and Saturday a lot with friends, so my H thinks that's been the case. I'm aware of everything you've pointed out and more, but for some reason, I have been unable to stop myself from this idiotic act. Thanks again. Everytime I feel the urge of seeing him or contacting him, I am going to open up this thread and read it over and over again. I've been desperately wanting to talk to someone, but given the nature of the topic, I couldn't confide in anybody, not even to my counselor; I told you that I live in a small town. Thank you so much for all your thoughts. Very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
BurriedAlive Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Hi Conflicted. I think you are bored. You married pretty young so you may think you have missed out on something. I wonder why you are willing to risk such a good marriage for something that is in all likelyhood insignificant? That is the million dollar question, I guess. Your marriage is probably not as perfect as you think it is because obviously there is some need somewhere that your husband isn't meeting. I suggest that you figure out what that is and make sure that you fully accept the possible consequences of your actions. Anyway, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Love is Tragic Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Sometimes you just get that unexplained chemistry that you get with another person,you dont know why,and sometimes it even shames you to be attracted to that other person. I blame it on genetic attraction. I think you just miss that 'new' feeling, hell, i think we all miss that once weve been in a long-term relationship. Its nice to be pursued and desired by other men. I cant tell you what to do in this situation, is your husband the jealous type? Can you possible be 'just friends' with this man without it going further? Link to post Share on other sites
sad&humbled Posted July 7, 2007 Share Posted July 7, 2007 Conflicted, I am in the same situation but I actually took it to the next level and spent the night with the ow a few months ago. It has not happened again but we talk on the phone and email all the time. I know it's wrong and I keep telling him to stop - he doesn't stop and I don't either. We are both very attracted to each other and I really don't think that we could have anything more that we already have. Why then am I doing this when my husband is a wonderful person? I have been trying to figure this out myself. I came to this site to see if I could get answers also. I think it's a matter of getting a hold of our emotions. Understanding that we are hurting others and putting ourselves in their shoes. How would we feel if our husands did this to us? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 7, 2007 Share Posted July 7, 2007 If the thought of losing everything you have with your husband, including his respect and trust, isn't enough to get you to stop, I can't imagine what we can possibly say. Read through some of the threads in the infidelity section here. Maybe reading of the anguish and intense pain that the betrayed goes through when they find out their spouse has selfishly chosen to feed their ego, you'll have a better understanding of how f*cked up this is. Link to post Share on other sites
sad&humbled Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 norajane, you are absolutely correct but it doesn't change the feelings that i have for this other person. I will not act on them again and i am terribly sorry that i did but the fact remains that i have an attraction won't go away. i am working out and pursuing interests that will keep my mind off him. i am going through this site and you are right again. there is a lot of pain that results from this and i understand it. what i am saying is that the attraction to another person is not something i can control, it's just there. what i can control, are my actions and that is exactly what i have to do. i have to behave in a moral and decent manner to give my husband the respect that he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 norajane, you are absolutely correct but it doesn't change the feelings that i have for this other person. I will not act on them again and i am terribly sorry that i did but the fact remains that i have an attraction won't go away. i am working out and pursuing interests that will keep my mind off him. i am going through this site and you are right again. there is a lot of pain that results from this and i understand it. what i am saying is that the attraction to another person is not something i can control, it's just there. what i can control, are my actions and that is exactly what i have to do. i have to behave in a moral and decent manner to give my husband the respect that he deserves. How about giving your husband the passion he deserves? Why do you make it sound so staid and boring...don't worry about being moral and decent with your husband - be lascivious and licentious! Why not seduce your husband? Why not channel all that attraction and energy you have for this other guy toward your husband? You know, all that time you spend thinking about the Other Man, and all that time you spend emailing and thinking about what to email and all that giggling and texting...why don't you take the time to think about romantic things you and your husband can do together, or sexy emails you can send your husband, or little "I can't wait to get you naked tonight" texts to your husband? Transfer all that energy toward making your husband blush and encouraging him to make you blush. Replace your fantasies of this other man with your real man. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I am a happily married woman. My husband is very caring, smart, handsome, and nice. We have been together 10 years and married over 7 years. He is my best friend, and I love him very much. We still feel very attracted to each other and have no problem in the bedroom either. I met the other man in Feb through work. We hit it off right away. He kept calling and emailing me, and did not stop when I told him that I was married. My husband is the total opposite of me. I am a city girl, and he is more of a nature man. I love getting dolled up and going out, but he is retired from night life. He also does not drink. The other man and I are almost identical twins. We both went through awful childhood and share identical tastes in music, food, etc. At first, I thought innocently we could be good going-out friends. A lot of my girlfriends are now married with children and have moved to the suburb. He was always willing to go out any day and time. After the third time I saw him, he kissed me, and I did not stop him. It's July, and we are still kissing, but have not done anything else. I read many posts here and contrast to many MW/OM couples, we actually go out and do stuff. We watch movies together, go picnic, go antiquing/dancing, etc. I think the reason is because I can not take him home due to the obvious reason, and he does not want to bring me to his "small room". He said he is too embarrassed. He is in his 30's and still rents a 400-a-month room. He has a clocks-in-out type job. I don't think he even finished a community college. On the other hand, my husband and I have the highest degrees and have professional jobs. We are doing great financially and live in a gorgeous house, downtown. I am confused. What is WRONG with me? I have a perfect marriage. Don't girls usually stray because their husband is less than what they've expected and want something younger, better, and possibly richer? The other man is older, poorer, and worse in every area that I can think of....except we share many similarities. It's fun to hang out with him. The other man was single when I met him, but in April, his on-and-off girlfriend came back to the states. Luckily, both of us are handling our emotions pretty well. We don't feel the need of seeing each other all the time. We hang when we can. The only thing that separates him from my gay/girlfriends is that we kiss when we see each other. I know IT'S WRONG. I know I must stop now before anybody finds it out. I am confused, but I know a couple of things; 1> I don't want "divorce". I love my husband. I know there's no happy ending with the other man. 2> Sooner or later, someone is going to see us. I live in a small city. I've been searching for an answer to my "strange" behavior. When I met my husband, I was 19. He was my first man. I have to admit that I was curious about other men. Although my marriage is great, I do miss the rush/high that you get when you first start going out with a new person. Seriously, I could think nothing else, but the other man during the first three months. I giggled a lot and got blushed just at the thought of his face, words, and text/phone messages. I still like him, but I don't feel the date high anymore. I know it's time to break it off. I know this in my head, but to my disgust, I find myself calling/emailing/texting him almost every other day. Please help me stop this madness. Any advice or tough love would be greatly appreciated. Hi, I will just say this. "Truely , Madly , Deepley think about your love for H, If it's true and deep it will be there forever. Love your H and lt it go! AP Link to post Share on other sites
Author conflicted Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 update: I am still seeing him. We meet once a week. I feel like I am in a way addicted to him, his emails, and his text messages. I don't have the will power to stop this nonsense, but I know I should...SOON before it gets serious. We have not slept together yet, and I am hoping to end it before it goes to that point. We met to have dinner two days ago. When the bill came, I realized that I couldn't use my credit card. My H would never study our credit card bill, but I felt paranoid and thought he might think it would be weird to see the dinner bill for two when both of us were supposed to be at work. A totally different part of the town too -- far from where we work at. It felt suddenly so REAL, and I felt horrible about deceiving my wonderful H. I shared my feelings with OM, but his reaction was, "this is supposed to be fun, so let's not make it complicated. Besides, I also have a GF, so don't feel bad." Strange logic, if you ask me, and I did not like what I was hearing. His response really made me realize that OM is a douchbag with the weak moral sense. I know I don't have any right to judge him given my recent behavior, but you know what I mean. How do I end it without making him angry? I guess I should do it in person, rather than over the phone or via email. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Conflicted, You have an email/text relationship. Email or text him: "BYE, BYE DOUCHBAG" You called him that yourself. You know he's playing you. TF Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 His response really made me realize that OM is a douchbag with the weak moral sense. Pot meet kettle... Link to post Share on other sites
Author conflicted Posted July 21, 2007 Author Share Posted July 21, 2007 Pot meet kettle... thanks for reminding me. it's so weird because i was so anti-cheaters before this exp. Link to post Share on other sites
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