NC broken?

[forbidden fruit]

I am totally confused and hurt. Xmm broke Nc by coming up to my H and saying hi at a party. He thens comes to me and says happy 4th and I reply and say the same and then walk away. Later that night on our street it is just he and I and kids left.

 

We start talking and laughing like nothing ever happened between us. I realize at this point that he is happy as clam because he got what he wanted all along to be friends and pretend what happened never existed. The problem i have is i am still not over him and still feel all of the same things.

 

Now i feel like a failure because a month of NC went down the toilet. I am not sure what to think and I feel like I might be back on that rollercoaster again. I am certain he does not want to start up the physical A again, but he definately wants to start up the EA part which is worst. I think when he had to go back to W he realized he needed me in his life and this was the only way to do it without having to leave.

 

I know WWIU is shaking her head right now. Sorry I let you guys down and mostly I am sorry for letting myself down. do i continu on being casually friendly like this does not bother me or do I talk to him and tell him sorry can't do this and i will have to remain in NC. It is virtually impossible being neighbors to not have some contact with him. Any thoughts?

[PoshPrincess]

FF, stop beating yourself up about this!!!! He was the one who initiated contact, not you, and anyway even if you had, you can still go back and start again. I know what you mean though, whenever I have broken NC with exMM I end up feeling like ****e afterwards! It DOES feel like being back to square one, back to where you started.

 

It must be extremely difficult with exMM being a neighbour especially as you yourself are M too. I can see why you want nothing to do with him of course, but how do you do that without your H realising something is wrong? Your exMM sounds like he very much wants to have his cake and eat it. No, he can't leave his W, but yes, he STILL wants you in his life. Not much of a guy to have this lack of respect for you knowing how much you're hurting.

 

Really sorry I am unable to give you any advice, other than moving house, which I understand probably wouldn't be an option and, anyway, why the hell should you move?!

[IWALH]

Have you and your husband thought about moving out of the state? Or at least a couple towns away? I think that would be best.

[Tomcat33]

Oh FB I just read your post, don't be so hard on yourself!! Wow you are worried about what people will say here? who cares!!! you should not kick yourself, you have been doing your part in keeping your distance what could you do? If you were at the same party he was and he approached you, you had to act civil. It was sort of a forced situation.

 

Don't see this as breaking everything you have worked on so far, so you had a setback, everyone does on the road oto recovery don't focus on that, focus on your ultimate goal which is to move forward and all the hard work you have done so far.

 

You'll see in a few days you will feel back on track again and realise it was just a set back, you are not at all at square one. You have built enough strength to get past this, when you were at square one you were totally weak, now you are not. So stop telling yourself that you are.

[overandout]

Oh FB I just read your post, don't be so hard on yourself!! Wow you are worried about what people will say here? who cares!!! you should not kick yourself, you have been doing your part in keeping your distance what could you do? If you were at the same party he was and he approached you, you had to act civil. It was sort of a forced situation.

 

Don't see this as breaking everything you have worked on so far, so you had a setback, everyone does on the road oto recovery don't focus on that, focus on your ultimate goal which is to move forward and all the hard work you have done so far.

 

You'll see in a few days you will feel back on track again and realise it was just a set back, you are not at all at square one. You have built enough strength to get past this, when you were at square one you were totally weak, now you are not. So stop telling yourself that you are.

 

 

TomCat is right--you were forced into being civil

Last night I was at a party and a woman who I detest (two faced, rude, curt and would stab you in the back) came and sat next to me and my friend. I wanted to walk away, but instead I chatted to her although she was doing all the work and making conversation.

Just because I was civil to her doesn't mean she will be spending time at my house nor will I arrange to see her for a coffee. A set of circumstances arose and I dealt it without without being rude or offensive.

 

It is awkward for you because you have to see him as you are neighbors.

You live in close proximity.

You didn't even really have a set back. You dealt with a situation that occurred and isn't likely to crop up on a regular basis.

It is no big deal really.

You stood your ground. Just deal with as part of life. Deep down you know nothing good will come from any EA with this man. Too many other people will be affected.

[Tomcat33]

 

Last night I was at a party and a woman who I detest (two faced, rude, curt and would stab you in the back) came and sat next to me and my friend. I wanted to walk away, but instead I chatted to her although she was doing all the work and making conversation.

Just because I was civil to her doesn't mean she will be spending time at my house nor will I arrange to see her for a coffee. A set of circumstances arose and I dealt it without without being rude or offensive.

It is awkward for you because you have to see him as you are neighbors.

You live in close proximity.

 

You didn't even really have a set back. You dealt with a situation that occurred and isn't likely to crop up on a regular basis.

It is no big deal really.

You stood your ground. Just deal with as part of life. Deep down you know nothing good will come from any EA with this man. Too many other people will be affected.

 

 

Overandout: YIKES talk about awkward, you handled that well. See you can be thrown into a situation like that but as long as you don't go out of your way you really aren't letting yourself or your convictions down. Sometimes civility has to take over.

 

I agree it's not a big deal. I missed responding to the last part of the post and meant to comment on it. If you go back to being "casually friendly" with him on a regular basis then you are going backwards, I would go back to strict NC unless the occasion lends itself in a foreceful way that you must talk to him etc. as in the party you were last night, otherwise if you don't go out of your way to instigate contact you are 100% still in NC. I do think it would be counter productive to be "friendly" it is just not conducive to a good road, because before you know it it will slip back into the old times and that is just what he would love and only harm you.

[Meaplus3]

I am totally confused and hurt. Xmm broke Nc by coming up to my H and saying hi at a party. He thens comes to me and says happy 4th and I reply and say the same and then walk away. Later that night on our street it is just he and I and kids left.

 

We start talking and laughing like nothing ever happened between us. I realize at this point that he is happy as clam because he got what he wanted all along to be friends and pretend what happened never existed. The problem i have is i am still not over him and still feel all of the same things.

 

Now i feel like a failure because a month of NC went down the toilet. I am not sure what to think and I feel like I might be back on that rollercoaster again. I am certain he does not want to start up the physical A again, but he definately wants to start up the EA part which is worst. I think when he had to go back to W he realized he needed me in his life and this was the only way to do it without having to leave.

 

I know WWIU is shaking her head right now. Sorry I let you guys down and mostly I am sorry for letting myself down. do i continu on being casually friendly like this does not bother me or do I talk to him and tell him sorry can't do this and i will have to remain in NC. It is virtually impossible being neighbors to not have some contact with him. Any thoughts?

 

FF, You know I can relate to you. So please listen. If you love him you love him case in point! No person or therapist or drug is going to take him out of your heart IMOP. I firmly belive that we can not control who we fall in love with but we can control who we chose to love. So with that said FF, he is with his wife case and point he loves her. I know that hurt's and it might contradict what he tell's you or show's you with his action's but it's true. So do you choose to love a man that will never be your's or do you choose to love your (who is your's) H like you say you do? Think about that. I hope I am not harsh here. just trying to get you thinking my friend.

 

AP

[forbidden fruit]

Overandout: YIKES talk about awkward, you handled that well. See you can be thrown into a situation like that but as long as you don't go out of your way you really aren't letting yourself or your convictions down. Sometimes civility has to take over.

 

I agree it's not a big deal. I missed responding to the last part of the post and meant to comment on it. If you go back to being "casually friendly" with him on a regular basis then you are going backwards, I would go back to strict NC unless the occasion lends itself in a foreceful way that you must talk to him etc. as in the party you were last night, otherwise if you don't go out of your way to instigate contact you are 100% still in NC. I do think it would be counter productive to be "friendly" it is just not conducive to a good road, because before you know it it will slip back into the old times and that is just what he would love and only harm you.

 

FF, You know I can relate to you. So please listen. If you love him you love him case in point! No person or therapist or drug is going to take him out of your heart IMOP. I firmly belive that we can not control who we fall in love with but we can control who we chose to love. So with that said FF, he is with his wife case and point he loves her. I know that hurt's and it might contradict what he tell's you or show's you with his action's but it's true. So do you choose to love a man that will never be your's or do you choose to love your (who is your's) H like you say you do? Think about that. I hope I am not harsh here. just trying to get you thinking my friend.

 

AP

 

 

I have had my good days and bad days and good hours and bad ones. At least now I can actually function without wondering about what xmm is doing every second. However, every where I go and everything I do reminds me of him and believe me I have changed it up. I really am having a hard time getting over the fact that he thinks he has won.

 

He wanted to have an A and now that it is over which by the way I tried to end a zillion times. I am supposed to be nice like it is okay you lied, controlled and made me feel like I was crazy. When does the anger go away and should I tell him how I feel?

 

I want him to know I am on to his game and I will not let him off the hook. I want him to take responibility for his actions which up to this point is nada.

 

I know I have not taken full responibility with my H, but I cannot lose my kids. He has pulled the eyes over everyone and has the audacity to shake my H hand. I will never be able to look at his W. He now thinks he has made everything right and he can go on like I was just a bump in his narcissitic road. Any ideas to let him know he may have gotten easy with his w which he has not told, but I' m another story.

 

He looks clean and I look dirty. Ap I so appreciate your advice, but there is whole other layer of hurt I am dealing with and that is my xmm was actually going to leave or so he said and we talked about where we were going to live and how he was going to manage work. I am not sure if your xmm said that and if he did then you know I am sorry and you know what I am going through.

 

He loves his w yes but if he had her money I can bet her a*** would be kicked to the curb so fast. I know that is sad to say he is staying for the money, but it is true and he has even told me.

 

So no he is not so miserable he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and the problem with that is he messed with the wrong lady. He thought I was so nice and docile a person he could control, boy did he bargain wrong.

 

I don't think he ever wanted to work this hard for an affair. So yes Tomcat me even saying hi is the same to him as I have won and you have relieved me of all my guilt for hurting you and I can move on to the next person. I want him to know the person he called his best friend and the person he said he loved over and over again cannot be replaced. Does anyone else feel this way and does time take this feeling away?

[endless]

FF, do whatever you feel that you need to in order to be peace with yourself. No one here would understand 100% of your situation. Advise given here is useful and helpful but you are the one who need to adapt it to your own situation.

 

No need to be just black or white/right or wrong? It's all about perception anyway. At the end of the day you are the one who has to live with this whole thing. Just don't make decision when you are upset. Do it when you are calm. Good luck!

[Meaplus3]

I have had my good days and bad days and good hours and bad ones. At least now I can actually function without wondering about what xmm is doing every second. However, every where I go and everything I do reminds me of him and believe me I have changed it up. I really am having a hard time getting over the fact that he thinks he has won.

 

He wanted to have an A and now that it is over which by the way I tried to end a zillion times. I am supposed to be nice like it is okay you lied, controlled and made me feel like I was crazy. When does the anger go away and should I tell him how I feel?

 

I want him to know I am on to his game and I will not let him off the hook. I want him to take responibility for his actions which up to this point is nada.

 

I know I have not taken full responibility with my H, but I cannot lose my kids. He has pulled the eyes over everyone and has the audacity to shake my H hand. I will never be able to look at his W. He now thinks he has made everything right and he can go on like I was just a bump in his narcissitic road. Any ideas to let him know he may have gotten easy with his w which he has not told, but I' m another story.

 

He looks clean and I look dirty. Ap I so appreciate your advice, but there is whole other layer of hurt I am dealing with and that is my xmm was actually going to leave or so he said and we talked about where we were going to live and how he was going to manage work. I am not sure if your xmm said that and if he did then you know I am sorry and you know what I am going through.

 

He loves his w yes but if he had her money I can bet her a*** would be kicked to the curb so fast. I know that is sad to say he is staying for the money, but it is true and he has even told me.

 

So no he is not so miserable he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and the problem with that is he messed with the wrong lady. He thought I was so nice and docile a person he could control, boy did he bargain wrong.

 

I don't think he ever wanted to work this hard for an affair. So yes Tomcat me even saying hi is the same to him as I have won and you have relieved me of all my guilt for hurting you and I can move on to the next person. I want him to know the person he called his best friend and the person he said he loved over and over again cannot be replaced. Does anyone else feel this way and does time take this feeling away?

 

Ap I so appreciate your advice, but there is whole other layer of hurt I am dealing with and that is my xmm was actually going to leave or so he said and we talked about where we were going to live and how he was going to manage work. I am not sure if your xmm said that and if he did then you know I am sorry and you know what I am going through.

FF, I did not have a promise of Xmm leaving, but I can understand how painful it must be to be told that and then for Your Xmm not to follow through. Now the thing is FF, he is staying with his wife for what ever reason's so you need to figure out how to accept that and heal from this A. I know that is much easier said then done but why put yourslf through the mental torture when the fact's still remain the same he's with his W and family and that's the way he want's it. Hug's.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

I need to ask this...Why hasn't your husband had it out with him? Why is your H pretending like all is OK? Your exMM is lucky your H hasn't taken a swing at him!

 

Just take it day by day and do the best you can avoiding him. When the kids are around, it's best just to play nice and leave it at that. Don't read into it (try not to) and don't let yourself get sucked into "this is what he wanted all along." It really isn't. You're being the mature one, he isn't. You know this too. So, at the end of the day while you're cuddling up with your husband, that is what counts.

 

The only other suggestion about completely moving past this and going NC forever is for you and your family to move somewhere else, but I don't think that is an option.

[forbidden fruit]

I need to ask this...Why hasn't your husband had it out with him? Why is your H pretending like all is OK? Your exMM is lucky your H hasn't taken a swing at him!

 

Just take it day by day and do the best you can avoiding him. When the kids are around, it's best just to play nice and leave it at that. Don't read into it (try not to) and don't let yourself get sucked into "this is what he wanted all along." It really isn't. You're being the mature one, he isn't. You know this too. So, at the end of the day while you're cuddling up with your husband, that is what counts.

 

The only other suggestion about completely moving past this and going NC forever is for you and your family to move somewhere else, but I don't think that is an option.

 

Moving is not an option and it so hard to play nice and act like no big deal. I wan thim to hurt as much as I do, but maybe that is not possible. I know he is not happy though because he was happier with me in his life and at least I have taken that away from him. However, I know I will be replaced and hopefully by then i will be way over this.

 

What didd he wat all along wwiu? I am still unclear and don't tell it doesn't matter because it does to me . I can't stand the fact that he thinkss he can have me whenever he wants me because I am so inlove with him. He took my love and used it to his own advantage.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I need to ask this...Why hasn't your husband had it out with him? Why is your H pretending like all is OK? Your exMM is lucky your H hasn't taken a swing at him!

 

I don't understand this either FF? If he confronted him things would be going very differently I believe.

 

 

What didd he wat all along wwiu? I am still unclear and don't tell it doesn't matter because it does to me . I can't stand the fact that he thinkss he can have me whenever he wants me because I am so inlove with him. He took my love and used it to his own advantage.

 

He absolutely took your love and is using it to his advantage. He is doing this to his wife also. HE wants to be loved, this isn't about wanting TO LOVE. His actions all revolve around filling HIS needs. Many of us, women, feel loved when we are needed, so filling HIS need is filling y our need of needing to be needed. Its a symbiotic relationship but all of a sudden when you realize that his need was only to be loved and not TO love (in the self-sacrificing way that alot of women view love) it becomes confusing, doesn't add up. That's because you assumed a variable that wasn't there.

 

You said yourself that he can't be happy now because there is a hole that YOU were able to fill for him. THAT is what he wants. Someone to fill a hole, he is NOT looking nor was he ever, for someone to be a whole.

 

Honestly I don't believe that men who use A as some crazy coping mechanism consciously even realize themselves what is leading their actions. It isn't love though. What happens is something makes the hole... his boss chewed him ou t, he had a fight with his wife, the neighbor got a new boat, and he feels this sense of anxiety that he doesn't know what to do with. It doesn't feel good, and he needs (as a man) an action to get rid of this "feeling", so he unconsciously (maybe) is looking to fill up that empty space. That doesn't feel wrong to him, probably doesn't even feel like he's using people to him, it just feels good and he NEEDS to feel good right now.

 

He needs you to fill holes, you needed to believe that he only needed you and WANTED the best for you. His is self love, he needed a fix. I hear women say on this board all of the time, Gee, he called me after Xmonths or Xyears. Yep, somethings happened and he needs to fill a hole, I always wonder what exactly happened that caused that person to need to search someone out that they could start right back in with. It takes to much effort and time to find a new person to fill up the hole, they need it right NOW!

[Darth Vader]

I need to ask this...Why hasn't your husband had it out with him? Why is your H pretending like all is OK? Your exMM is lucky your H hasn't taken a swing at him!

 

Just take it day by day and do the best you can avoiding him. When the kids are around, it's best just to play nice and leave it at that. Don't read into it (try not to) and don't let yourself get sucked into "this is what he wanted all along." It really isn't. You're being the mature one, he isn't. You know this too. So, at the end of the day while you're cuddling up with your husband, that is what counts.

 

The only other suggestion about completely moving past this and going NC forever is for you and your family to move somewhere else, but I don't think that is an option.

 

 

I know FF doesn't want me here, but Perhaps she will read this and gain some insight about this. OK, without waving my saber around, As far as FF's husband not confronting xOM, I have the strangest feeling that hubby suspects something happened between FF and OM, but, is giving FF time to come clean, I don't know how much time though. As far as FF not wanting to lose her children, ok, I suppose if she came clean with hubby about the truth, he may or may not want to work on the marriage, he may go for sole custody, or he may want to go for joint custody of the children, FF can suggest that to hubby, in that case no one would pay child support. I suppose the home would have to be sold if they divorced for them to go their separate ways. From the looks of it, OM isn't going anywhere, IMO, her husband knows something is up. Somehow I can feel it! One way or the other, FF is feeling repercussions from the affair. Now, I have said all of this without using my saber, I hope she at least gives it some thought.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119781/

 

Apparently in this thread from May, it says FF has told her husband about the affair (atleast the emotional part of it) so he is aware of 'something' between his wife and the exMM neighbour.

[BusinessSocks]

He looks clean and I look dirty.

 

Ah, sweetie, that's our society for you. It sucks! Women involved in an affair always fair worse in public perception, I believe.

 

And I agree with other posters; you're being too hard on yourself. I think you are handling yourself amazingly well, considering the circumstances. I never had kids involved in my A, so I can't imagine the difficulties that arise from that element.

 

The only thing I would ask you to consider is this: regardless of what your exlover wants, what do you want to do about your marriage? I'm assuming you're not happy, so try to find the courage to either re-commit to it to make it work, or to leave so the next love you meet will be less complicated. It's hard, I know. But you can do it. Take care of you and your kids; show them the courage to find love.

[forbidden fruit]

I know FF doesn't want me here, but Perhaps she will read this and gain some insight about this. OK, without waving my saber around, As far as FF's husband not confronting xOM, I have the strangest feeling that hubby suspects something happened between FF and OM, but, is giving FF time to come clean, I don't know how much time though. As far as FF not wanting to lose her children, ok, I suppose if she came clean with hubby about the truth, he may or may not want to work on the marriage, he may go for sole custody, or he may want to go for joint custody of the children, FF can suggest that to hubby, in that case no one would pay child support. I suppose the home would have to be sold if they divorced for them to go their separate ways. From the looks of it, OM isn't going anywhere, IMO, her husband knows something is up. Somehow I can feel it! One way or the other, FF is feeling repercussions from the affair. Now, I have said all of this without using my saber, I hope she at least gives it some thought.

 

I asked you nicely to stop posting on my threads you are freaking me out. I do not want your advice.

[forbidden fruit]

Ah, sweetie, that's our society for you. It sucks! Women involved in an affair always fair worse in public perception, I believe.

 

And I agree with other posters; you're being too hard on yourself. I think you are handling yourself amazingly well, considering the circumstances. I never had kids involved in my A, so I can't imagine the difficulties that arise from that element.

 

The only thing I would ask you to consider is this: regardless of what your exlover wants, what do you want to do about your marriage? I'm assuming you're not happy, so try to find the courage to either re-commit to it to make it work, or to leave so the next love you meet will be less complicated. It's hard, I know. But you can do it. Take care of you and your kids; show them the courage to find love.

 

i have not seen xmm in awhile, but when and if I see him all I want to do is flip him off. I know not very mature, but still the way I feel. When does that hurt and anger go away?

[forbidden fruit]

i have not seen xmm in awhile, but when and if I see him all I want to do is flip him off. I know not very mature, but still the way I feel. When does that hurt and anger go away?

 

Why after two months do I still feel so angry and so heartbroken. When do these feelings go away and why can' t I seem to get past them. I wish his W knew what a scumbag he is, but of course he gets off smelling like a rose and I am the one picking up all the pieces. I have tried being civil and I realized I just can't do it. I don't care what anyone thinks I can't be nice to him!!!

[Meaplus3]

Why after two months do I still feel so angry and so heartbroken. When do these feelings go away and why can' t I seem to get past them. I wish his W knew what a scumbag he is, but of course he gets off smelling like a rose and I am the one picking up all the pieces. I have tried being civil and I realized I just can't do it. I don't care what anyone thinks I can't be nice to him!!!

 

but of course he gets off smelling like a rose

 

Because that's what these MM do! They engage themselves in "A's wether it be a sexual one or emotional one, and than all the blame and S*** is put on the OW when they have tied of the "R". I am very sure that my Xmm is engaged in somthing else, I am sure it's another ea because in Xmm's mind that's not cheating, that's ok, Yeah right!!! So nice for him to help enable me to ruin my marriage and than have to **** here and watch the B****** frolick about like nothing ever happened! I know FF I am living through the same kind of S***! You ask when it get's better and when the hurt and torment go away? Well I think the answer for us (in my honest OP) both is when and if we move away from these XMM!

 

 

 

AP:)