How Do You Get Him to Leave?

[circeinvidiosa]

Hi, everyone! I am brand-new here and registered mainly because I want to see if anyone has an answer to this question.

 

What's the optimum way of going about doing this? I realize you can't make anybody do something they don't want to do, but we all know it happens. Married men do leave their wives for other women. Every one knows at least one person in a successful long term relationship or marriage that started as an affair. And everyone knows women (usually many!) who report that their husbands left them for someone else.

 

The pop psychology is that married men rarely, if ever, leave their wives for the Other Woman. But since some married men do leave, my thinking is that there are some things that the Other Woman can do to at least increase the probability that this will occur.

 

I've already tried my methods a long time ago, and I failed miserably, so I won't share them. That relationship ended over 10 years ago, but the question still plagues me -- what's the trick? How do women get men to leave their wives?

 

Does anyone have a story they can share?

[Tomcat33]

Hate to break it to you but the way women do this is by picking the types of men who actually had the COJONES to practice what they profess. Sometimes this boils down to the alignment of the lucky stars. The only time I think luck plays any part of it, luck as in timing that is...

 

 

Most guys just want the comfort of having two women praise them and adore them, the small % that does leave had already decided this before the A even happened.

 

There is no magic answer, it's all up to the guy. You have absolutely no say in it. We simply CANNOT make anyone do anything they don't want to do. No amount of reasoning, no amount of charm, waiting,

________(<insert adjective or action word here) will change a man's mind for him.

[Trimmer]

Circe - like the sorceress from Homer's Odyssey who lures men to her lair, then turns them into swine and other animals with enchanted food and drink?

 

Only, in reality you can't find the magical potion, the right spell, the button to push to give you control, can you? That's because it's an illusion that you have control over another person anyway. The way to "make him leave" is to offer such a positive reward that it exceeds the pain of leaving - leaving his wife and friend, throwing his kids' lives into turmoil, receiving the disparaging looks and comments from family and peers. With everything in that big pile of negativity, he needs to think - to be sure - that what you offer exceeds it, and makes leaving worth it. There's your magic button - not so simple, is it?

 

As I said, the idea that you can control someone with "methods" (which failed miserably - what does that tell you?) is an illusion. You may influence someone, but you do that by what you offer. The idea that "married men do leave their wives for other women" is not evidence that those other women have discovered a secret method, a secret button, or a secret potion that the rest don't know about or have successfully trained their puppy dog MM.

 

Men and women are all different people, with different relationships to those around them, their spouses, their families, their kids, their illicit lovers.... And in the complex swirl of all those things, some decide to leave, many decide to stay. If, as you say, the "pop psychology" is that most stay, that may just represent that the pile of pain that comes with leaving spouse, family, their established lives etc. is a pretty large one compared with the potential (but admittedly unknown) rewards to be had by leaving for an OP.

 

But it's not because of a secret method or anything like that. It may be hard to accept the reality that, as an OP, you have less control over the situtation than you wish.

 

There's no magic potion, Circe.

[Tomcat33]

Circe - like the sorceress from Homer's Odyssey who lures men to her lair, then turns them into swine and other animals with enchanted food and drink?

 

Only, in reality you can't find the magical potion, the right spell, the button to push to give you control, can you? That's because it's an illusion that you have control over another person anyway. The way to "make him leave" is to offer such a positive reward that it exceeds the pain of leaving - leaving his wife and friend, throwing his kids' lives into turmoil, receiving the disparaging looks and comments from family and peers. With everything in that big pile of negativity, he needs to think - to be sure - that what you offer exceeds it, and makes leaving worth it. There's your magic button - not so simple, is it?

 

As I said, the idea that you can control someone with "methods" (which failed miserably - what does that tell you?) is an illusion. You may influence someone, but you do that by what you offer. The idea that "married men do leave their wives for other women" is not evidence that those other women have discovered a secret method, a secret button, or a secret potion that the rest don't know about or have successfully trained their puppy dog MM.

 

Men and women are all different people, with different relationships to those around them, their spouses, their families, their kids, their illicit lovers.... And in the complex swirl of all those things, some decide to leave, many decide to stay. If, as you say, the "pop psychology" is that most stay, that may just represent that the pile of pain that comes with leaving spouse, family, their established lives etc. is a pretty large one compared with the potential (but admittedly unknown) rewards to be had by leaving for an OP.

 

But it's not because of a secret method or anything like that. It may be hard to accept the reality that, as an OP, you have less control over the situtation than you wish.

 

There's no magic potion, Circe.

 

That's a great theory if only it worked.....

 

A lot of OW women do that for their MM only to find themselves giving to no end for years while he takes all the good out of her and drags his feet to avoid making any sort of concrete decision.

 

There is a fine line between making it better for him on the outside and making it so good for him that there is no reason why he would give up either.

 

The reality is that while yest making it good for him is better than making it bad, there is honestl nothing we can do to make a person move, they have to move because they want to not because they are enticed.

[circeinvidiosa]

Hate to break it to you but the way women do this is by picking the types of men who actually had the COJONES to practice what they profess.

 

 

Good answer, but I need more information -- are you implying that these men with cojones and good ethics never had an A with OW at all? Or are you saying that they fell into the A by accident and then immediately corrected the situation by leaving the marriage? There is a difference ....

 

However it seems you did start to answer my question --

 

1) Pick a man with good ethics. And a man with good ethics isn't going to purposefully invite you into an affair in the first place ....

 

You are right about the other three: A) People never listen to reason unless it suits them B) Charm is a great asset, but not a deal-breaker C) Waiting was my biggest mistake all those many years ago !!! Never wait!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Remember that Sex And The City episode where Carrie was dumbfounded when she found out that her 2 year relationship with Mr Big did not end up in marriage but that his 5 month relationship with another woman did? She wanted to know why her.

 

Although the episode did not offer an answer to this question, which is essentially what you are asking, I have a few speculations.

 

First, whether a man wants to marry a woman - or leave his W to be with the OW - depends on his needs in his definition of "wife". A man's definition of a "wife" is highly individual and can be different for different men. Men are known to gauge a woman at the first moment he's met her on the basis of whether she's marriage-able or not. And he will treat you accordingly... but most women are unaware of this.

 

Second, whether a man leaves his W and family depends entirely on his dynamics with them and has nothing to do with the OW. Some men will not leave because he can't bear not seeing his children every night. There are other factors, of course.

 

Third, one word: finances. A married man is more likely to leave his family if the OW is wealthier and more socially influencial than he and his family are. That's just the way things are.

 

I hope I helped you understand why your MM chose to go back to his W. Simply put, there was NOTHING MORE that you could have done.

[Tomcat33]

Good answer, but I need more information -- are you implying that these men with cojones and good ethics never had an A with OW at all? Or are you saying that they fell into the A by accident and then immediately corrected the situation by leaving the marriage? There is a difference ....

 

However it seems you did start to answer my question --

 

1) Pick a man with good ethics. And a man with good ethics isn't going to purposefully invite you into an affair in the first place ....

 

You are right about the other three: A) People never listen to reason unless it suits them B) Charm is a great asset, but not a deal-breaker C) Waiting was my biggest mistake all those many years ago !!! Never wait!

 

 

Ok let me explain.

 

No not pick a man with good ethics, a man could find himself falling in love with someone else while married and have great ethics but society will still deem him unethical for cheating. So let's leave morality out of the equation for now. Let's assume the man is not a serial cheater and his ethics were good up until he met this OW. More important than his ethics I think is where exactly he is in his marriage as far as wanting out.

 

1) Does he want out because he met you?

 

OR

 

2) Was he on his way out and BINGO he met you?

 

 

1) So in the first which seems to be the most common the men turn out to weave a web of lies bigger than China's population, to validate their reasons for wanting to be with you and being married and commiting the act of cheating. I think this is the most common type of A where the cheater feels guilty because though they knew there were problems in the marriage they weren't convinced they wanted out until WOW the OW rolls in with "better things to offer"

 

2) The latter is about a man who has exhausted all his possibilities with his marriage he is as good as done in the marriage and has wanted and SPOKE of divorce with his W many times before, they may have even had couples councelling, or the man is fallen so out of love with his W that he sees no point continuing the lie. He has weighed out the pros and cons in his head many times and his long term happiness supercedes the children the W the picket fence EVERYTHNG. He is thinking long term and can't see himself living a lie long term in exchange for sacrificing his own happiness, he has the confidence that he wants better. This man is also more than ready to part with all the financial benefits and lifestyle his marriage has rewarded him, in exchange for his freedom. In otherwords this man WAS OUT in theory before he EVEN met the OW. And he has the biggest cojones you will find!

 

My cousin is one of those men, he is extremely attractive and he stood up for what he wanted and he got out. His W kicked him out because they were having problems for year he moved out and was miserable and sees the kids all the time, but was mostly miserable about the kids. he has some time to reflect and realised he is better off outside of the home and it will be better for the kids. He is very happy, and now his W wants him back but he doesn't want to go back. He was not happy in the marriage no point living the lie. The kids are fine they still have both their parents and he sees them every day. The was no OW by the way...

 

 

The man with COJONES is the one who is honest even withing a lie, regardles of how things go with his OW he is getting out one way or another.

The lying sack of $$it that wants a little party because of his midlife crisis is all the rest.

[circeinvidiosa]

Trimmer:

 

Circe - like the sorceress from Homer's Odyssey who lures men to her lair, then turns them into swine and other animals with enchanted food and drink?

 

Yes, but the myth about the swine is not the inspiration. See the marvelous painting by Waterhouse and the myth behind that for a full understanding. It is a story involving another magic potion and a triangle.

 

Who wants a man turned into a swine? Not me. Many of them didn't need Circe to accomplish this feat, anyhow.

 

The way to "make him leave" is to offer such a positive reward that it exceeds the pain of leaving

 

No .... trying to do that just empties you out. You lose, he wins. Already been there done that.

 

While I agree with both of you that all people and relationships are different, and that there is no "magic formula" or failsafe "method," I think perhaps you are not reading my post closely enough. I do believe that people can be influenced. I am looking for stories from people (mostly women) who believe they may have had a positive effect on the situation by what they did or did not do .... I am not looking for something that will guarantee results, because as you say, there is no such thing.

 

Trimmer (I do not know if you are male or female) but anyone who can talk about the "pain of leaving" with such conviction is probably not having an affair with anyone and maybe never did, either. In that case, your advice may not be from someone who knows about affairs from ever being in one, first hand ... ? Just asking ...

[Hugh_950]

Hi, everyone! I am brand-new here and registered mainly because I want to see if anyone has an answer to this question.

 

What's the optimum way of going about doing this? I realize you can't make anybody do something they don't want to do, but we all know it happens. Married men do leave their wives for other women. Every one knows at least one person in a successful long term relationship or marriage that started as an affair. And everyone knows women (usually many!) who report that their husbands left them for someone else.

 

The pop psychology is that married men rarely, if ever, leave their wives for the Other Woman. But since some married men do leave, my thinking is that there are some things that the Other Woman can do to at least increase the probability that this will occur.

 

I've already tried my methods a long time ago, and I failed miserably, so I won't share them. That relationship ended over 10 years ago, but the question still plagues me -- what's the trick? How do women get men to leave their wives?

 

Does anyone have a story they can share?

 

I'm sure you've already thought of being sweet, loving and kind and of course sexy.

- and making him come to you, willingly, because he wants you enough to do something.

 

But that didn't work?

So next step is - you're here looking for tips on control and manipulation.

[Tomcat33]

 

 

So next step is - you're here looking for tips on control and manipulation.

 

 

 

Actually a lot of men respond really well to that, as long as they don't know this is being done to them!

[circeinvidiosa]

KnowHowLoveFeels:

 

This is getting quite interesting and I am glad I stuck around.

 

First, the Bad: with all due respect to Sex and the City, I do not believe in Learning How Life Works by watching TV. The message there was clear: The Bad Adulteress Gets Punished. Does it happen like that in life? Yes, sometimes. Sometimes.

 

As far as the rest of what you said, it was pretty dead on.

 

I like what you said about men looking for what makes a woman marriageable in his eyes, and how he treats her accordingly. That is an excellent tip for any woman who may be looking to get involved with a married man: "How does he treat me?" It would be very individual and hard to gauge, but it's a good start ....

 

Finances? You hit a homer on this one too. When a man starts talking about all that he'll "lose" in a divorce, that's a big signal to OW that he has already made the decision to stay .... you may as well forget it from that point on.

 

No, I already know why MM went back (money and convenience) and that there was NOTHING more I could have done. There were lots of dynamics, but the short story is this: He is and was a sack of camel turds. She can have him. She deserves him after having fought so hard to keep her sack of camel turds. I fought hard too, but at least I am free and I know what the sack contains. Finally.

 

I am not doing instant replays here, I am more interested in simply getting information and seeing what other wisdom is out there.

 

Hugh: Trying to find out how to control and manipulate people? OK, yeah. Since you put it that way, then let me ask you this: who is not interested in finding out how other people tick? How they think and feel, why they think and feel that way, and how to create situations where it will be easy for them to do what you want? If you found the right words to make it easy for your boss to give you a 5% raise tomorrow, would you say them? I think you would! I think you would say those words even if you knew they might or might not work. Regardless of control and manipulation, we are all free agents, but we can be influenced ....

 

Tomcat: OK, thanks for making something clearer to me, so I can tell others what, precisely, is the question I am asking here.

 

I am asking about situation #1 in your response -- when the man ISN'T a serial cheater, and when you are not aware of his already wanting OUT of a marriage. I am talking about those times when the man just falls head over heels for someone other than his wife.

 

And my question is: If YOU were the OW in that situation and you wanted the man, what would you do or NOT do to help him to make that decision? And I am hopefully asking this question to people who may have reason to believe that what they did actually did have a somewhat positive effect.

 

I think it's totally reasonable to ask this question, and I am already seeing that the answers are probably not going to be about wearing your black lace teddy, cooking five course meals, saying, "Oh, aren't you wonderful?"(or variations) three times a day, or anything like that. I know there are good answers because I think I've already got two useful suggestions.

[Trimmer]

Yes, but the myth about the swine is not the inspiration. See the marvelous painting by Waterhouse and the myth behind that for a full understanding. It is a story involving another magic potion and a triangle.

 

Who wants a man turned into a swine? Not me. Many of them didn't need Circe to accomplish this feat, anyhow.

Indeed, and I suspect some OW, once a previously marvelous MM chooses to stay and "work on his marriage," decide he must have been one all along anyway.

 

That's a great theory if only it worked.....

 

A lot of OW women do that for their MM only to find themselves giving to no end for years while he takes all the good out of her and drags his feet to avoid making any sort of concrete decision.

 

There is a fine line between making it better for him on the outside and making it so good for him that there is no reason why he would give up either.

 

No .... trying to do that just empties you out. You lose, he wins. Already been there done that.

Fair enough. In keeping with my position that an OW doesn't have very much control anyway, my point wasn't intended to give realistic "how to get a MM to leave his wife" advice, but to point out the huge barrier you face in trying to make "leaving" attractive enough to overcome the (desire/status quo) of staying, which already has so very much momentum behind it, for better or worse. Basically you would have to tip the scale enough to change the balance to induce him to leave, and that's a huge task. Influence it, possibly, but you're working against a huge mass that I believe you can have relatively little effect upon. So in spite of my point about what you "would have to do," I think it's a Herculean task, and I agree, often a pretty hopeless one. Jeez, why not start with a single guy...

 

Trimmer (I do not know if you are male or female) but anyone who can talk about the "pain of leaving" with such conviction is probably not having an affair with anyone and maybe never did, either. In that case, your advice may not be from someone who knows about affairs from ever being in one, first hand ... ? Just asking ...

Click on my screen name to the left of my post - in my profile you'll find my age and gender, although there's no category for my status as married, single, had an affair, in an affair, betrayed by an affair, surprised by an affair, etc...

 

In talking about the "pain" of leaving, I was trying to put a word to the negative factors involved in leaving a marriage. In making a decision, a person will try to maximize reward (does life with my OW offer more positives than life in my marriage) and minimize the negatives (are there more negatives - more "pain" - in staying or leaving), combining the positives and negatives in some mysterious, personal combination. "Pain" is just the noun I chose to describe the "negatives" that are weighed between the two outcomes.

 

And no, I have never had to weigh, nor suffer, the "pain" of choosing whether to stay or leave a marriage, nor have I been in an affair. Not to say that affairs have not directly influenced my life.

[underpants]

I had a married man express a romantic interest in me, once. I simply told him to either fix his marriage or don't fix it, regardless of the outcome I could only offer him (and his wife) friendship. I mean, why even go there?

 

If this still plagues you after 10 years my question to you is why? I mean it seems like maybe you shouldn't try to date married men or whoo them away from their spouses to begin with. Maybe that could be the resolution to your quandray.

 

I have been witness to some marriages wrought by and ultimately ending due to an infidelity. In a couple of those the husband cheated, and a few were because the woman cheated, a couple were even infidelities with other married people (what a mess). In none of those accounts did the cheating partner stay with the OP after it was all said and done with. My personal survey (for me) resulted in the conclusion of what I stated earlier. Why even go there?

 

Regards,

Unders

[circeinvidiosa]

sort of begs the question of why post on a thread when you don't agree with the topic?

 

The frank answer to your question is that the sea is not as full of fish, nor the world as filled with choices as the happily married would like the single to believe. However, I am not dating married men .... but "just don't do it" is not an answer to my question.

[Tomcat33]

KnowHowLoveFeels:

 

And my question is: If YOU were the OW in that situation and you wanted the man, what would you do or NOT do to help him to make that decision? And I am hopefully asking this question to people who may have reason to believe that what they did actually did have a somewhat positive effect.

 

.

 

 

I was the OW sort of:

 

1. We started off as an EA I broke all contact when it got too heated I told him I will NOT engage in an affair with him. That is mistake # 1 all women make, they get involved with them before he delivers any of his promises. The minute you offer him everything while he is still living at home you ain't movin his butt out of there even with a bulldoser.

 

2. So you put him to the test early on, "you're serious bout leaving your marrriage? you're are serious about wanting out, about lovign me and feeling no more love at home? Fine do what you need to do and and do it irrlevant of me or us! Call me when you are free to date! For the time being Buhh-bye!"

Of course it was a lot more dramatic I was not so non-chalant I was already in way over my head and was hoping he would follow through with his words but was not about to let him con me into an A while he was still living at home. NO WAY. I needed to know if this guy was for real.

 

 

 

3. He called me months after, he had moved out and was ready to start.

 

Still didn't jump into anything tested him some more tested the waters wanted to see what he was about. Then started dating him got physical with him things were SPECTACULAR. We were a match made in heaven we were working simultaneously together on a community project we created so a lot of our leisure and work time was interchangable and it was great. We atended benfits and concerts and it was just the greatest life together. Well his W was always in the picture and she had no idea about me. Though we lived our rel out in the open I was never hung up on for calling at the wrong time, never snuck around, never any of the thigns that revolve around affairs. We lived our rel as any normal one I have had in the past with the exception of knowing he was still married this is what killed it for me.

 

It wasn't enough to know he had done as much as he had I needed to know his M was over for good we had problems beacause of this he started to drag his feet about divorce and the more I pressured we would fight about it I just could not enjoy the rel anymore In essence I prob sent him back to his W's arms because I pressured him but had I just sat back and made it really good for him I would still be with him OR not wondering is he EVER going to D her? Sorry but I am worth more than to spend my life competing with another woman. At some point you realise if you want me you will find a way, if you cant bring yourself to do what you need to be you just should not be with me.

 

In the interim his W found out about us he tried to go back home to do the "Right thing" and give the marriage a try so I backed RIGHT OFF. I was despertate and was devestated but did the exact opposite of what my knee jerk reaction was instigating me to do.

 

Sure enough within a month he was back on my steps telling me he could not go through it he was destroyed without me he felt nothing for his W etc. so we got back together but then a few months after that we started arguing again about the D, I just couldn't enojoy the rel. we broke up he needed time to himself, later came back wanting back with me again at that point I decided I could not play the game anymore he went back to his W and got me to see him while he had already moved back home.

 

there was NOTHING I could do to MAKE him leave his W. I said to him always you should leave your w if that is what you want I will NEVER ask you to do that and if you are doing it for me I don't want to be with you. He assured me it had nothing to do with me. I know see it TOTALLY did.

 

But when he was finally out and it seemed like we could finally start something the D became the issue and I could have practiced the same ideology to NOT pressure him into D and sat back and enjoyed my "rel in limbo" but had I done differently I'd prob still be with him wondering what he will do, making it easy for him to compare and choose and still no divorce.

 

The moral of the story is you cannot make a man do something he is not willing to do on his own, no matter how spectacular you are no matter how much you offer him, a man should not be "bribed" into a relationship he should go freely, and I'll tell you why and this should solve any questions you have on wanting to know how to "make him do whatever":

 

Because if you bribe him or entice him or manipulate him into being with you, you will never know if he is there on his free and because he tryly loves you or because you trapped him.

 

Call me romantic but why would you want someone you had to convince to be with you?

[Zoomarch]

Bottom line, you can't make anyone feel a certain way. What is, just is.

 

My father left my mother, but the destruction took place slowly. I "think" he was cheating on her early on - like about when he was 35 or so. I remember signs but my parents never fought. I think he struggled with losing his reputation, losing a wife who catered to his every whim (even sex), kids who adored him, the house, etc.

 

When he turned 40, he left but there was no OW in his life. So I agree with the posters that say that it's more about the relationship w/ the W. That HAS to be completely sour for him to leave. It has nothing to do with the OW.

 

Now, anyone following my story knows I cheated on my H - told him after a year - and he forgave me and decided to stay - I am still very much in love with the OM. He is all I think about. Now, would I leave my H for him? Probably not. Go figure. But if my H disgusted me, or we constantly fought, maybe I would - but we don't, at all.

[IWALH]

Because everything that was meant to happen does.

 

That's all there is to it. If they were meant to leave and be with you, they would. But if not, then that just wasn't in God's plan. That's my reasoning, anyway.

 

There is absolutely NO USE in trying to "make" them leave. They have to do it because they WANT to. Why in the world would you want someone to be with you if you felt as though you had to MAKE them do certain things to be with you.

 

If there is one thing I've learned, it's this: If they want to be with you they will make it happen... and they won't hesitate.

 

Let things fall into place. In the end, what's supposed to happen will happen. It might not be what you want now, but it's what is for the best in the grand scheme of things.

[circeinvidiosa]

Because everything that was meant to happen does.

 

Everything? I don't share your belief in predetermined destiny, sorry.

 

Tomcat, that is an interesting story. Were there children in his marriage too? How did the sexual part of the relationship start? Was it more his idea than yours? More yours than his? Was it an accident or did you sort of expect it, from all the signs?

 

I guess what I am hearing from everyone so far is that married men stick like glue to their spouses no matter what they may do with the other temptations in their lives, and OW may as well forget it because no matter how she plays her cards, she's destined to lose the game.

 

Sounds like the Man decides his own fate, totally, and there isn't a darn thing OW can do to even tip the balance slightly in her direction.

 

Is that what you're all saying? Because this is the popular belief that I hear everywhere and I am not convinced. I think there's some missing links here.

[GreenEyedLady]

How do women get men to leave their wives?

 

No one can make anyone do anything. The man has to want to leave their current R and everything that goes with it. All that you can do is be yourself and accept that an A is as far as it may go. You'll know that he is getting ready when you feel that your R has become the primary R. But there's nothing that you can do. He has to be the one doing the action.

[Tomcat33]

No one can make anyone do anything. The man has to want to leave their current R and everything that goes with it. All that you can do is be yourself and accept that an A is as far as it may go. You'll know that he is getting ready when you feel that your R has become the primary R. But there's nothing that you can do. He has to be the one doing the action.

 

 

You know something GreenEyed, some of these men will have you believe that their W's did force them to go back.That they pulled on their guilt strings and that they did a number on them and that is why they went back. Even at the last minute they are cowards, they can't admit "look I have to go back because it is what MY head/heart tells me"

 

To think we actually fell in love with these spineless men huh!!!

 

that is an interesting story. Were there children in his marriage too? How did the sexual part of the relationship start? Was it more his idea than yours? More yours than his? Was it an accident or did you sort of expect it, from all the signs?

 

nope no kids that was a bit of a green light for me, somehow I thought it made his claims he wanted out more true.

The physical rel started two months after he moved out we both wanted it he had tried so much, but shot down. I was ready to explode really LOL

The first week we were together every day and an entire weekend. it was insane, so much emotional built up over 7 months when we finally consumated it it was crazy...

but as I said we had an emotional affair for about 7months minus the NC months, then it consumated into the physical once he moved out

 

 

oh and one last thing we always said that the physical part was irrelevat in the end the emotional affair was already well there, we were head over and the physical was just the icing the emotions had already been shared and love had already happened.

[GreenEyedLady]

You know something GreenEyed, some of these men will have you believe that their W's did force them to go back.That they pulled on their guilt strings and that they did a number on them and that is why they went back. Even at the last minute they are cowards, they can't admit "look I have to go back because it is what MY head/heart tells me"

 

I know, sometimes I wonder why men are so afraid to make a decision and stand behind it...I guess they don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but please, this is one time when everyone is going to get hurt, somehow...

 

To choose one thing, is to NOT choose another...doesn't matter the reasoning behind it...at least be a man and admit YOU chose it, it wasn't forced upon you...Do they think women are that stupid, that they can't see what is plainly before them? That's when the more imbalanced women go all crazy...Just make a decision and own it...You're a MAN for goodness sakes-right?

[Hugh_950]

Hugh: Trying to find out how to control and manipulate people? OK, yeah. Since you put it that way, then let me ask you this: who is not interested in finding out how other people tick? How they think and feel, why they think and feel that way, and how to create situations where it will be easy for them to do what you want? If you found the right words to make it easy for your boss to give you a 5% raise tomorrow, would you say them? I think you would! I think you would say those words even if you knew they might or might not work. Regardless of control and manipulation, we are all free agents, but we can be influenced ....

 

 

But I thought you were asking how to get a man to divorce his wife!

 

Getting a 5% pay raise is out of contexr don't you think?

 

But hell yeah! Get that pay raise girl!

And I wouldn't think twice about "influencing" my MW to go to see my movie insead of hers ... or maybe even a nice BJ

 

But when it comes to her decision to leave her H? No that MUST be her decision and I think you risk too many other consequences later in your realtionship if your MM doesn't do this on his own free will.

 

There are a few OWs who post here who have deliberately decided to "back off" from overly influencing their MM to make this decsion.

 

And so I still think mere "influence" isn't what you're looking to learn about ...

.

[circeinvidiosa]

And so I still think mere "influence" isn't what you're looking to learn about ...

 

 

Well, LOL, if you've got something better I'm certainly open to suggestions!

 

Seriously, though, I've been reading a lot today, and I think I came to the wrong place to get good answers to this question. The ones that were successful in their OW/OM relationships have no reason to post to places like this because they are no longer in an A. Their problems are different. The people here have either been burned or are in the process of being burned by an A that never made it past that stage.

 

When it comes right down to it, nobody should cheat on their spouse. There's a promise involved here and MW/MM is breaking the promise. In my mind, there is no excuse for it, and the only acceptable reason someone might do it is that they are truly unhappy in their marriage and just haven't figured it out yet. In which case, once they do figure it out, they ought to fix it or split.

 

Maybe I just need it knocked into my head with a chisel that people cheat for a wide variety of reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with either true love or being dissatisfied with their primary relationship at home. They do it for sex, for power, for amusement, for punishment (of themselves or others), just to prove that they've still "got it" and whatever. These are not good reasons, but my question started from the premise that a person who cheats or wants to cheat sometimes has a pretty good reason (love) and it just ain't necessarily so ....

 

 

If someone has had a different experience,and they came from an A that actually resulted in a successful and monogamous long term relationship, then I want to hear all about it.

 

Other than that, thanks for your comments! This has been a very interesting afternoon for me and I think I may be back.

[NoIDidn't]

I am of the belief that no amount of manipulation can make a MM leave his W. None. Whatsoever.

 

They have to want to leave. They have to decide to leave on their own. Otherwise, you've just handed them a prime reason NOT to be with you: you can't be trusted because you play mind games to get what you want.

[Tomcat33]

Well,

Seriously, though, I've been reading a lot today, and I think I came to the wrong place to get good answers to this question. The ones that were successful in their OW/OM relationships have no reason to post to places like this because they are no longer in an A. Their problems are different. The people here have either been burned or are in the process of being burned by an A that never made it past that stage.

 

 

 

I think you might be tricking yourself into thinking there are some magic answers or some "quick fix to" answers for having a cheater leave a rel for the OP, but the reality is that even if the people who did succeed offered what happened in their situations you will find that it has far less to do with "tactics" or "moves" (which seems like that would be the "good answers" you were seeking) and more to do with the circumstances surrounding those particular cases.

 

Even if you did get a ton of posts of good things to do to get him to leave the marriage, it wouldn't even necessarily mean it would work for you because as I mentioned before it is more about those particular circumstances than it is about actual patterns of behaviour to entice someone to leave.

 

 

I know, sometimes I wonder why men are so afraid to make a decision and stand behind it...I guess they don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but please, this is one time when everyone is going to get hurt, somehow...

 

To choose one thing, is to NOT choose another...doesn't matter the reasoning behind it...at least be a man and admit YOU chose it, it wasn't forced upon you...Do they think women are that stupid, that they can't see what is plainly before them? That's when the more imbalanced women go all crazy...Just make a decision and own it...You're a MAN for goodness sakes-right?

 

 

GreenEyedLAdy YES this is exactly my reasoning. I always told him give me the hurful truth ANY DAY over the candy coated safe answer, because the truth WILL set me free. Of course being the selfish A$$ as he was, he never complied. At least that is what I choose to believe. He insists he never lied to me he only lied to his W, but I don't know how he could even say that with a straight face.

 

Well mine was most def. a man-child manipulator....notice there is "man" in those words somewhere.... :laugh: