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I need serious ...sorry this is long


Je Ne Regrette Rien

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

For those who don't know my story here it is: With MM since Dec 2005, he is M for 11 years with 2 kids. First made love April 1st, first Discovery Day 23rd July, he then kept telling me that he needed to make things right for his W and kids and was putting plans in place for our future.

 

I left the job where we met (we were both unhappy there) and he got me another job at his new workplace. W found out and inflicted violence on him and it was a really scary time. He separated in November. I got pregnant in February. He was loving and supportive and wanted to keep it but his W was so unstable at the time, threats of violence to him, using the kids against him and overdosing on anti-depressants that I had an abortion. I was too scared to make his situation worse and what if she did something stupid?

 

He sold their house in late May so they could split up their belongings and he could move onto a new life. He's an ex-soccer player and he had a lot of assets and he was giving his W a massive pay off to look after his kids and herself. He said he didnt care about that if it meant we could be together. He moved back in with them for a short while (approx 4 weeks) "to help his children through the hardest transition in their lives" whilst still looking at houses and calming my paranoia down. He made sure he kept his phone on, texted me late into the night so I knew they weren't sleeping together and I believed every word he ever told me and thought he was the love of my life. I'd even seen the divorce papers so I thought it was all true.

 

The paranoia got the better of me last week and I said I couldn't go on wondering what was going on between those four walls and that it was making me unwell, wondering why it was taking so long to move back out and that if had changed his mind he just needed to tell me. We had a holiday booked the next week, it was his daughters birthday, his sons confirmation and fathers day and he asked if he could see that weekend out and then he would be coming on holiday. What's another couple of days to wait when I've waited so long?

 

He came on holiday with me on 21st June. I honestly thought that this was the start of our new future together. He had told his W that he was going to get some space. He has never moved any of his things into the new house and has said he had a lot of work to do in there to make it comfortable. To "not rub her face in our new relationship" he never told me that he talked about me but did tell me about the awful arguments they were having, how uncomfortable he felt being there if the kids weren't there and the obvious distance that there was now between them.

 

Our first day of holiday was brilliant. I was so excited to be in a place where we didn't have to hide, where we could hold hands and just love each other. He was funny and lovely as always and we made love twice just through the excitement of being together. I honestly thought that my future was sealed with him. Waking up with him in the morning is always my favourite thing, seeing his sleepy eyes and knowing I was in his arms where I felt right. I felt happy that we were finally transitioning.

 

The second day he was great in the morning then changed that afternoon. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he felt guilty because his W had told him on the phone that his son was crying because Daddy had gone away. His mother (who usually supported him through our A) had surpised him by telling him that he shouldn't have gone away at this delicate time, and he seemed more upset by that than his W. He's always seemed to know that he needs to look out for his W, but he never seemed as though he particularly liked her. They got married very young and had their baby very young and he often said if it wasnt for the children they would never have lasted that long.

 

We talked a lot that day. I have never put any demands on him, ever. I always knew that if he wanted to come to me he would and that if he didn't, I was best off without him anyway. He always pursued me. I knew that it was time for him to make the choice and I asked him if he could do this. He said that he was just so devastated about his son, that he had to fly home and make everything right. I agreed -why would I want to see him in pain about his son? But I told him that this was the end of us, that he was constantly going to be controlled by his W because of his love for his kids and it was preview to his future life with me, and I didnt think I could accept it. His kids - of course - but still doing everything his W wanted because of the guilt he felt? No. I realised we would have no future. I took him to the airport. It was the saddest moment of my life watching him, my future, walk away from me. I've never experienced heart break like it since my dad died, I just thought I was going to die on the spot, just to instantly collapse. I texted his W to say he was coming home, that he has struggled and that he had a very big heart, that he was just torn. I apologised and said I would be out of her life from then on. I've thought long and hard about why I did that. I guess I wanted her to know that I knew it was definitely over. And in my desperation, I guess I wanted to validate the fact that we had had a relationship.

 

She rang me back and called me lots of awful names on my answer machine. She then threatened to come into work. This was all fair enough, you know? I knew she would be angry but he has also painted a picture of a very manipulative violent women who uses his kids against him. But I had always been wary of this picture he had painted - she was in pain and he was lying to her and people do funny things. The one thing I wouldnt justify was her using violence or threatening him with the kids. I rang her. I was crying, my heart breaking, and she just kept asking over and over "Did you sleep with him?". I still felt like I was betraying him by saying yes so I said that he would have to answer that. I know - gutless. I sort of couldnt understand why she didnt automatically assume that I would have been sleeping with him - we'd just been together on holiday, we'd been together for a long time in a relationship, but I thought maybe she was in denial. I just didnt want to ruin his passage back if that was the passage he had chosen to take. She asked me lots of questions and then told me that both her and I had been taken for fools and that she had been sleeping with him too. She mentioned he had been losing his erection and it must have been guilt, so I guessed that she wouldnt have said that if he hadnt been sleeping with her. She said he was not separated from her (I know that he was for some of that time because he stayed with me sometimes) and that she had told her daughter not to have anything else to do with him but her son could since he is only eight (daughter is 12 and very aware of the situation).

 

She told me that she had told him that since he was going away, she was going on a date with a man that had been texting her and that he was her new boyfriend now and that her H could get out of her life. She said she felt sorry for me because he had pulled the wool over my eyes. I was so angry at first. I texted him and said I couldnt believe all his tears were simply crocodile tears and that he had lied and why hadn't he taken his chance to get out of my life when I offered it to him on a plate only ten days before?

 

He said that she was lying, that I had fell for the oldest trick in the book and that she was laughing at us. I was still on holiday and he called me all weekend, crying his heart out, saying he loved me, telling me not to believe what she said, playing me songs over my voicemail. It was my birthday and I truly just wanted to go and live in a cave and never come out. I didnt want to believe her - I wanted to believe him! So that at least the best part of 2 years hadn't been a lie.

 

On my way home on the Monday he texted me constantly asking me if I was home, that I needed to take care etc. Then they stopped as did his W's texts. I got a message from him the next day to say that things were a mess. I called him and he said his W had threatened to commit suicide and that I should not call her again or answer her calls as she had asked him not to tell anyone she had tried to do this.

 

I dont know if that's true, and I feel awful for saying that but my head is so mixed up by what was truth and what was lies. I have lots of photos of him, hard evidence, maybe he's scared I might lose the plot and send it to her. I would never do that, ever. I dont want to hurt this W anymore than I already have by sleeping with her husband. I always thought I was a good person and this was an indiscretion which was minused out by the fact that it was true love and true love conquers all. What an idiot.

 

I just need someone to tell me it's going to be alright. Believe it or not, I miss him like nothing else. I sort of need someone to tell me that he's going to be alright too. I have ate a piece of toast in four days. Even writing this email is making my fingers feel numb, I feel so weak. Its taken all of my strength not to call him just to hear his voice but I know I cant do that now, not ever. I feel so lost, so alone, so confused and I just don't know where to go from here. I look at my phone constantly. I work with him and have had to take time off but I know he has also not been in the office either. His last message to me was that he felt incredibly guilty when he saw his W near a cliff, that he was so sorry for the pain he had caused to me, to her, to his kids. And that he would always love me, that I was his one true love.

 

Words have no meaning for me anymore though. Again, I'm so so sorry that this is so long. I just feel so desperate. The mad thing is I still love him, still believe he loved me and still hope for him to contact me at sometime and just tell me that his love for me was true. I just cant get it into my head he was a Jekyll and Hyde character that is telling such awful lies. Everyone, my family and friends are calling him all the names under the sun and they get angry at me for not vigourously agreeing with them.

 

If anyone can help it would be most appreciated

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whichwayisup

J, I hate to tell you this, but for your sake, his wife's sake and his kids sake...You need to step away and leave him behind. Their life is a mess and he has to sort it out. He has to do this alone without you in his life at all... I know you're in alot of pain - This whole affair is awful and so many people are now messed up badly because of it.

 

He has lied so much, and honestly, yes, you and his wife have fallen for all his lies, his secrets here and there. His lies are not malcious, they are out of PURE SELFISHNESS. It has been and always will be about him, his needs, his desires...

 

Look at it this way, you obviously meant something to him otherwise all this wouldn't have happened. It's just that he has a life with his wife and he has children, it's TOO much for him to give up.

 

Try to get out for a walk today, call a friend and maybe even go for dinner so you won't be alone.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

WWIU, I always respect the advice that you give, and this is no exception. I do believe it was too much to give up. In fact, I told him so. I told him that I felt a lot of pressure to be absolutely perfect and right for him, as in my mind I never wanted him to regret giving up is W, his kids, his house, his fortune, everything that goes with a whole life that he and her had created.

 

He just wouldn't have any of it. I think what is killing me is that he just seems to have switched off. As though I am no longer there in his life. I go through constant fantasies of "What is he doing now?" and all of them contain a Waltons-esque idealistic picture. I know this is unrealistic but I just am not coping.

 

I've coped through so much WWIU, I cared for my dad through a terminal illness, I cared for my mum through a mental illness after it, and they still didnt break me. Everyone thinks I am so strong but I'm not. This has broken me. I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm cracking up.

 

My friends are there for me but as soon as I'm with them I want to be alone, and as soon as I'm alone I want to be with someone. I feel so desperate.

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whichwayisup

I understand the pain of having ill parents, I watched my father die of cancer, as well as two Aunts. But, the pain you're experiencing now is deeper, emotional and intimate, which ofcourse makes you feel much worse on a different level...If that makes any sense. (It did in my head..)

 

Maybe you need to invite a friend over who will just 'be'. In the next room, to only talk and listen if YOU need it...Sometimes just having someone in the house makes a difference. I was like that after my father died...

 

You're a strong woman and eventually will work through this. Painful as hell, but you will get through it.

 

He needs to focus on his family and as much as it hurts you not to be hearing from him, being in his life, it's the only way this has to go...

 

*I do have to say this, but if you really are feeling awful and so down, don't think twice about going to the hospital. Not talking about the psycho ward, but a Dr can prescribe something to calm your nerves...*

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Shades of Grey

Je ne Regrette Rien,

 

I don't really know what to say but I wanted to respond to you because you were so kind to me when I first posted and was in such despair.

 

I am so sorry because everything you have described about the way you are feeling is exactly the same as the way I was and still am. And I didn't know emotional pain like that existed!

 

On the one hand you need him to hold you and tell you everything's going to be ok. On the other you know it can't work. My counsellor told me today that its the torn feeling of refusing to accept that it's over and knowing you need to accept it can't carry on that causes the overwhelming grief.

 

It's going to be alright because it has to be. Because you have no choice but to get through it whatever happens. I have hardly eaten, slept or done anything except feel absolutely desperate for 3 weeks either but i'm still here! Taking it one day at a time.

 

I'm not going to say anything re:what was true and what wasn't within your relationship because I think that's something you have to learn and decide for yourself. However i'm sure it was you who said to me that despite everything my MM did love me - it just all became too hard.

 

I'm sure that yours did too.

 

Please take care and keep posting. xx

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

Thanks TF, I really need them.

 

WWIU, do you think that he is just lying and lying and that his W just believes everything he has said? I know he has denied sleeping with me, which I understand - why cause her more unnecessary pain?

 

But can he even move on from living in a M where he hasn't told the truth? Does he think it will all just go back to normal? As far as I'm aware he has told her that he didnt love me but he liked me as a friend, sold me off as an EA.

 

I know I'm strong WWIU, I know I can do this. I just need re-inforcement from LS. I said to my best friend (who has done what you said and just sat with me, but I feel guilty for putting so much onto her - I'm a bottler of emotions rather than let it all hang out) that my bestest "revenge" (thats not the right word to use but you catch my drift) was to move on with my life and live as happy and as fulfilling a life as I can. But these dark moments keep swallowing me up. Then I go and do something, distract myself which lasts for a very short while, and then I'm back to the dark moment again.

 

I dont want closure. I dont want to ruin his life or his W's. I just need to believe he was a liar and that I was an idiot for believing him. Its so so hard though.

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(((((Je Ne)))))

 

I am sorry that you are hurting right now. It may help to go to an emergency therapist, if you believe in that kind of thing. Or WWIU's advice about something to calm your nerves is good too.

 

You have a lot to contend with. I sleep when things get too overwhelming for me (lazy, right, I know).

 

I think you are much stronger than you think. Be still and find that strength.

 

Again, (((((Je Ne)))))).

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
Je ne Regrette Rien,

 

I don't really know what to say but I wanted to respond to you because you were so kind to me when I first posted and was in such despair.

 

I am so sorry because everything you have described about the way you are feeling is exactly the same as the way I was and still am. And I didn't know emotional pain like that existed!

 

On the one hand you need him to hold you and tell you everything's going to be ok. On the other you know it can't work. My counsellor told me today that its the torn feeling of refusing to accept that it's over and knowing you need to accept it can't carry on that causes the overwhelming grief.

 

It's going to be alright because it has to be. Because you have no choice but to get through it whatever happens. I have hardly eaten, slept or done anything except feel absolutely desperate for 3 weeks either but i'm still here! Taking it one day at a time.

 

I'm not going to say anything re:what was true and what wasn't within your relationship because I think that's something you have to learn and decide for yourself. However i'm sure it was you who said to me that despite everything my MM did love me - it just all became too hard.

 

I'm sure that yours did too.

 

Please take care and keep posting. xx

 

Thanks Shades of Grey, that post meant a lot. I can remember feeling sorry for your MM and thinking about the choices he had to make and feeling sorry for mine too when I posted to you.

 

I still do, although there's a lot of anger, denial and complete bewilderment in my feelings now. Did he ever contact you? I know I'm grasping at straws but the positive (stupid) side of me thinks "He'll at least let me know that he is okay and his W is okay and wonder if I'm okay". But thats not even positive, because as soon as that conversation starts I would just be waiting for the next. I havent contacted him at all and I never will now, as WWIU says, I need to let him sort the mess out he has created in his families life. I suppose I need to sort the mess out he has left in mine, which hurts and makes me angry at him that he could just leave me to do this. He has always been so there for me.

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whichwayisup
WWIU, do you think that he is just lying and lying and that his W just believes everything he has said? I know he has denied sleeping with me, which I understand - why cause her more unnecessary pain?

 

I don't think things are as bad as he's made it out to be at home. I think he fed you afew lines about that...She more than likely isn't the witch he's made her out to be and yes, they've had sex, even though he's told you he hasn't. He's told you both things in the heat of the moment, things that would benefit HIM, not you, not his wife.

 

You need to make your own closure because your MM isn't going to give it to you...And, even if he does, would you believe his words that come out of his mouth? My guess is no, and I think you'd be full of more questions rather than getting answers.

 

Their marriage now and what happens in it shouldn't be in your mind. You need to focus on healing yourself and taking care of yourself too.

 

But can he even move on from living in a M where he hasn't told the truth? Does he think it will all just go back to normal? As far as I'm aware he has told her that he didnt love me but he liked me as a friend, sold me off as an EA.

 

You can't control what he tells her and how she reacts to it, if she believes him or not, and honestly again, it shouldn't matter to you because it's their problem now they need to sort out.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
(((((Je Ne)))))

 

I am sorry that you are hurting right now. It may help to go to an emergency therapist, if you believe in that kind of thing. Or WWIU's advice about something to calm your nerves is good too.

 

You have a lot to contend with. I sleep when things get too overwhelming for me (lazy, right, I know).

 

I think you are much stronger than you think. Be still and find that strength.

 

Again, (((((Je Ne)))))).

 

I'm going to really try NID. I usually have a bottle of wine if I really calm my nerves but I just think that having alcohol inside me may make me feel worse. Especially since I haven't ate. I'm struggling to keep in control of my situation as it is.

 

As for emergency therapists, I'm a bit scared of them. My mum was mentally ill and in a hospital for a year last year with clinical depression. I'm so scared that the rest of my family may worry and think I'm going the same way. Its hard keeping it all under wraps but I feel like I need to protect them from my pain as to not worry them...

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whichwayisup

Nooo, don't reach for the bottle....

 

Call your Dr, make an appt for later today or tomorrow, and just tell him you need something to calm your nerves. This isn't about mental illness, (though I do understand your fears here...) this is about getting through what you're going through. When my father died, my mom ended up talking to someone for a while and she was also given valium and some sleeping pills. Within a week or so she was able to give 'em up, but they definately helped her cope better.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
I don't think things are as bad as he's made it out to be at home. I think he fed you afew lines about that...She more than likely isn't the witch he's made her out to be and yes, they've had sex, even though he's told you he hasn't. He's told you both things in the heat of the moment, things that would benefit HIM, not you, not his wife.

 

I agree - I wish I had realised before

 

You need to make your own closure because your MM isn't going to give it to you...And, even if he does, would you believe his words that come out of his mouth? My guess is no, and I think you'd be full of more questions rather than getting answers.

 

I agree with this too. I know that one day in the future I will wake up and I will think "Actually, I feel relatively okay today". Wish I could fast forward to that moment.

 

Their marriage now and what happens in it shouldn't be in your mind. You need to focus on healing yourself and taking care of yourself too.

 

This is the hard bit. I know it sounds so mean of me, but I've been the third party in this marriage for so long that its so hard not to fixate on it anymore.

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Shades of Grey

We work together too so we have been in touch. For me I was just also so bewildered that after basically being there for me through everything over the past 3 and a half years he could just walk away and leave me in such a mess. It seemed incomprehendable that he could. He said he didn't see what else he could do.

 

I also am going through the whole nightmare of constant fantasies of a Waltons-esque idealistic picture every time I think of what he is doing -you can't help it - awful!

 

My doctor prescribed something to help me sleep. At least I now have something to look forward to at the end of the day i.e being knocked out! lol. Perhaps it's something for you to consider? Well i'm maybe assuming you can't sleep either. If you can't it really does save the agony of lying in bed thinking. A short term solution but maybe until you feel stronger xx

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
Nooo, don't reach for the bottle....

 

Call your Dr, make an appt for later today or tomorrow, and just tell him you need something to calm your nerves. This isn't about mental illness, (though I do understand your fears here...) this is about getting through what you're going through. When my father died, my mom ended up talking to someone for a while and she was also given valium and some sleeping pills. Within a week or so she was able to give 'em up, but they definately helped her cope better.

 

No, definitely no alcohol for me unless someone takes all phones away and locks me in a room somewhere.

 

Unfortunately, I have to be strong for my mum. I'm staying with her at the moment as she's settling in after being in hospital. I've told her I have the flu so that she doesn't suspect what is up, she needs more care than me. I am going to my sisters next week at the other end of the country for a few days though and I hope this will help, even a bit

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
We work together too so we have been in touch. For me I was just also so bewildered that after basically being there for me through everything over the past 3 and a half years he could just walk away and leave me in such a mess. It seemed incomprehendable that he could. He said he didn't see what else he could do.

 

I also am going through the whole nightmare of constant fantasies of a Waltons-esque idealistic picture every time I think of what he is doing -you can't help it - awful!

 

My doctor prescribed something to help me sleep. At least I now have something to look forward to at the end of the day i.e being knocked out! lol. Perhaps it's something for you to consider? Well i'm maybe assuming you can't sleep either. If you can't it really does save the agony of lying in bed thinking. A short term solution but maybe until you feel stronger xx

 

I dont know how you walked back into work that first day, knowing you were going to see him SOG. I'm so shaky and wobbly. The last thing I want to do is to let him see me cry now. I want to show him that he didn't mean as much as he thought - that I can move on with my life without him and that at the end of the day, he made a decision to have an A with me, he made the decision to lie to both his W and me (with plenty of understanding, honestly, you wouldn't believe how much tried to walk in his shoes and understand what he must have been going through) and he was the one that has gone back into the family fold excpecting things to be A-OK even though his W doesn't have the truth.

 

I want him to see me somewhere in a few months time and think "God, maybe I didnt mean that much to her. She looks so happy and healthy".I know thats just me being bitter thinking about that, but its another one of my fantasies at the moment. Whatever, gets you through, eh?

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I'm going to really try NID. I usually have a bottle of wine if I really calm my nerves but I just think that having alcohol inside me may make me feel worse. Especially since I haven't ate. I'm struggling to keep in control of my situation as it is.

 

As for emergency therapists, I'm a bit scared of them. My mum was mentally ill and in a hospital for a year last year with clinical depression. I'm so scared that the rest of my family may worry and think I'm going the same way. Its hard keeping it all under wraps but I feel like I need to protect them from my pain as to not worry them...

 

 

Oh Je Ne, I soooo know how you feel with your mum. My mother isn't mentally ill, but hers is and the family is constantly "on the watch" for episodes. I typically wait until the worst of my pain is over before I tell my family because they tend to think the worst. I feel you on that one.

 

Instead of going TO the therapist, there are hotlines you can call. I called my EAP (employee assistance program) counsellors for a phone consult (it was free). I don't know what they have in your country, but you may have something similar and FREE. I recommended it to a friend in France and she was helped tremendously. I don't know what agency she called, but she said it was such a life saver she called more than once and was really comforted and strengthened.

 

STEP AWAY FROM THE WINE!!!! I did that and ended up drinking the entire bottle in 30 minutes. Many an alcoholic became one in a time of emotional distress.

 

(((((Je Ne)))))

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annabelle75

JNRR -

 

I attempted to send you a PM but it seems you PM function is disabled. Would you mind activating it? I wanted to tell you something, but I'd rather not post it in the forum.

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Je Ne:

 

I just want you to know my thoughts are with you, I know exactly how you feel I know that deep gut ripping feeling you have right now. It is VERY hard. I read your entire post and in parts it could have been me writing those words back when my breakup happened. The questions, the uncertainty the not knowing what's real and what's not...it seems like it will all drive you to insanity. Some days you feel like there is nothing even to look forward to. I was in bed for a week straight with the exception of having to make it to work, still not sure how I did, how I got dressed, put on a face and faced the world. But I did, and you will. You just do.

 

BUT let me tell you this, I look back and still know that it was the deepest pain I have ever felt, luckily I have not yet lost my closest ones to death so I think it wil feel like that but worse when I lose my parents. I also know that I have moved on so much from all those feelings I have manged in time to find my own closure, to find my own way in coping with the emotions with the deep pain and with the lost love. And it DOES get better. The pain the dispair most certainly does subside as the days go by.

 

You will gain your clarity, things will make more sense and you will find the answers that are now plaguing your head in order to get the closure that you need to finally move on. Don't rush yourself out of feeling what you are feeling, it is ok to feel bad to cry uncontrollably, to feel antisocial to feel anger and even dispair. But it's not ok to think this will last for ever.

Because IT WON'T. So please please have faith that in time your will get past this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you you will.:)

 

I'm really sorry for your pain, reading your words stirred up a lot in me, but luckily today I can handle it!

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
JNRR -

 

I attempted to send you a PM but it seems you PM function is disabled. Would you mind activating it? I wanted to tell you something, but I'd rather not post it in the forum.

 

Sure...once I can figure out how to do it. At least it will distract me lol

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Shades of Grey

You know what though J, you're being incredibly strong even though you feel so weak. You say that you have no intentions of contacting him now and that he needs to sort his own mess out. And you want to prove to him that you can rise above it despite the despair. You might not see it but imo you're already on the right path.

 

It was awful seeing him I have to admit. I toyed with the idea of making myself look amazing so he would think i didn't care but in the end I just though no F*ck it he's the reason i'm a complete mess so he can see it for himself, I cried any make up off within seconds anyway. Your way is definitely better.

 

How long can you stay away before you need to go back to work? x

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
Je Ne:

 

I just want you to know my thoughts are with you, I know exactly how you feel I know that deep gut ripping feeling you have right now. It is VERY hard. I read your entire post and in parts it could have been me writing those words back when my breakup happened. The questions, the uncertainty the not knowing what's real and what's not...it seems like it will all drive you to insanity. Some days you feel like there is nothing even to look forward to. I was in bed for a week straight with the exception of having to make it to work, still not sure how I did, how I got dressed, put on a face and faced the world. But I did, and you will. You just do.

 

BUT let me tell you this, I look back and still know that it was the deepest pain I have ever felt, luckily I have not yet lost my closest ones to death so I think it wil feel like that but worse when I lose my parents. I also know that I have moved on so much from all those feelings I have manged in time to find my own closure, to find my own way in coping with the emotions with the deep pain and with the lost love. And it DOES get better. The pain the dispair most certainly does subside as the days go by.

 

You will gain your clarity, things will make more sense and you will find the answers that are now plaguing your head in order to get the closure that you need to finally move on. Don't rush yourself out of feeling what you are feeling, it is ok to feel bad to cry uncontrollably, to feel antisocial to feel anger and even dispair. But it's not ok to think this will last for ever.

Because IT WON'T. So please please have faith that in time your will get past this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you you will.:)

 

I'm really sorry for your pain, reading your words stirred up a lot in me, but luckily today I can handle it!

 

Thanks Tomcat, thats such a lovely post. I KNOW it will get better, I KNOW I am worth more than him, i KNOW I can somehow make it if I really use all of my might. I just dont know HOW.

 

Just hearing that it does get better helps though

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Je Ne Regrette Rien
You know what though J, you're being incredibly strong even though you feel so weak. You say that you have no intentions of contacting him now and that he needs to sort his own mess out. And you want to prove to him that you can rise above it despite the despair. You might not see it but imo you're already on the right path.

 

It was awful seeing him I have to admit. I toyed with the idea of making myself look amazing so he would think i didn't care but in the end I just though no F*ck it he's the reason i'm a complete mess so he can see it for himself, I cried any make up off within seconds anyway. Your way is definitely better.

 

How long can you stay away before you need to go back to work? x

 

Its taking a lot to stay strong. I've wrote many many letters to him, to her, to myself already and its only been two days. I'd never send them obviously. I think what makes me think like that is that if he's portrayed his W to be a manipulative violent woman, he's probably portraying me to be some sort of Glenn Close character who's going to run her kids to the nearest fairground ride. Which hurts, because I'm nothing like that at all.

 

I need to go back to work on Monday. I told my boss and he was understanding. I felt pretty shameful admitting it all but he knew about our R and he had witnessed when MM's W confronted me at work, when MM just stood there and didnt say a thing to either of us. How humiliating it must have been for her to watch him do that. Obviously, at the time I thought she was loopy and had to lock my car doors to stop her from getting to me. Probably wasn't the case.

 

I just want another job now. Another car. Another identity. He was always so, so jealous, checked my email, my mobile, my myspace, everything. He said it was because he loved me so much. I dont think that jealousy will ever change in him. And another part of my "revenge" is knowing that he cant tell me what to do anymore, who to talk to, who to see. I know it will bruise his ego and I'm pretty glad about that. I'm glad at the moment, I know it's just because I want him to be suffering as much as I am, you know?

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annabelle75
Sure...once I can figure out how to do it. At least it will distract me lol

 

Got to "My Profile" and selct "Edit Options." IN the Private Messaging section you will see a box that say "Enable Private Messaging." JUst chekc the box and your PM function will start working.

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