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I need some sound advice on how to suppress feelings before I literally go insane. I have never suffered from depression, have never been on medication & have never seen a Psychiatrist – but find myself experiencing & considering all of the above. I guess I’m a prideful person & am looking for private advice here.

 

To recap my situation, I am a MW, of over 17 years to the most wonderful H & father of my children. He is & has always been there emotionally & physically for me. I’ve always been his #1 priority. He’s never let me down.

 

I made the biggest mistake of my life & it has rocked my world to the point where I can barely function. On a routine business trip, I allowed a 5+ year friendship w/ a co-worker to turn into an affair. This OM also has children. He & I grew very close as friends – talking daily on the phone for hours – we both knew there was something deeper there but had never discussed it. After the first night that we were intimate, it only made our feelings grow stronger. We connect on an emotional, professional & physical level that I’ve never experienced before.

After months of going back & forth with this guy on our feelings, we both agreed that we could not destroy two families. That we had made choices very early on in life & that we needed to honor those commitments. We are both religious which also played a huge part in that decision. Combined with the fact that we still both love our spouses. I will admit, I do not love my H in the same way I do this OM, however, I cannot imagine my life w/o my H. I will also admit that I don’t think this OM could/would treat me as well as my H does emotionally.

 

A few mths ago, I finally told my H, but to this day, I have not told him who it is despite his persistence in knowing. I took him to a remote location over night, away from our children, so he could react as he saw fit. I was prepared for anything he wanted to throw at me…. Leaving me, humiliating me, whatever. I felt he had the right to take back the power I had taken from him when I cheated on him. Amazingly, after two nights & two days of both of us crying, he told me he loved me with every fiber of his being & he forgave me & said he knew something had been wrong with me; he assured me that he wanted to get past this.

 

Here is my problem: I know all the experts say that you must cut off all contact, however, this OM & myself are in high level positions; both making very high incomes. I also love my job & have been in the same company for years. I am so ashamed to say this next part but this is where I need the help: I think about the OM constantly. All day long. All night long. It’s like I’m trapped & don’t know how to suppress these feeling I have for him. I almost ache to be with him; when I think about him & when I’m missing him so bad (which is daily), I start crying uncontrollably – this from a woman who never used to cry…

 

It has ruined my life because I want to be with him all the time. I am no longer happy at all. Everything I do, I want to do with him. I crave his touch, his kiss & just to hear his voice. I feel like I “need” him like I need to breathe. Again, all this said, I can’t imagine hurting my H again by telling him that I am actually in love with this OM. My H is such a good man. Why can’t I love him; have passion for him the way I do this OM? I would give anything to feel about my H the way I do about the OM. For those of you wondering, the OM isn’t even as attractive, or as in shape as my H.

 

As far as the OM’s feelings? He closed down our private email account & says he cannot tell me how he feels anymore. He says it only makes everything resurface. He has told me he cannot see me face to face because he says there is no way he can resist me. He has looked me in the eye so many times & told me he loved me. He has told me he never even thought a love like ours existed. So I am the one suffering professionally from this because I’m the one who will no longer show up for professional meetings. This could ruin my career – but there’s no way that he will not show to a meeting. I have to make that sacrifice which I think is unfair, but I know if we are in the same place, at the same time, we will definitely end up in bed.

 

This should be simple, right? Just accept that it’s over & move on? How can I suppress these feelings? Any sound advice would be appreciated. Please don’t beat me up as I’ve done that to myself for over a year.

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help me understand why you decided to tell on yourself? This is pointless. Now you are really going to experience even more pain. Why did you tell

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whichwayisup

You're extremely lucky that your husband forgave you.

 

As far as the OM’s feelings? He closed down our private email account & says he cannot tell me how he feels anymore. He says it only makes everything resurface. He has told me he cannot see me face to face because he says there is no way he can resist me. He has looked me in the eye so many times & told me he loved me. He has told me he never even thought a love like ours existed. So I am the one suffering professionally from this because I’m the one who will no longer show up for professional meetings. This could ruin my career – but there’s no way that he will not show to a meeting. I have to make that sacrifice which I think is unfair, but I know if we are in the same place, at the same time, we will definitely end up in bed.

 

Respect him then. Do all that you can to keep busy at work and know that you're there to do a job. Seriously, if you aren't functioning properly, GO to counselling. Both individual and marriage counselling. You need to focus on getting over the other guy and reconnect with your husband. It's unfair to still be lusting after him while knowing your H has forgiven you...

 

The MM has chosen not to have you in his life, so you need to stay away and never put yourself in a situation where you two alone. Need to think of your H, your kids as well as his wife and children too. NO good can come hanging onto him. None.

 

If you need to find another job, do so. And please, consider talking to a therapist because if you don't, you're going to let this ruin your life, as well as your family's life too.

 

Good luck.

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Suede O'Nim

because I've never been in the same position as you, but I was in an affair with a woman who was married and both of us agreed that we weren't leaving our spouses for the other. There was love on my side there, but not the kind you're talking about.

 

He won't get over his desire for you. If you can't cut the cord for him then you have to figure out a way to remove yourself from the situation.

 

Your business life is suffering/will suffer which is unfair to you, but since your husband has already suffered more severely, does that really matter? Perhaps you'll feel like you've paid some kind of pennance if you go to another company. It's the only thing I can see that will remove the problem. Even still, you should expect a call or visit from the OM at some point and know how you're going to protect yourself from that. Have a way to have others around you or something.

 

Bottom line, invent an excuse to leave your company. Get your husband to help you find another job. Remove every temptation or possibility of backsliding you can.

 

Why things happened or why you chose to do things is irrelevant and isn't worth dwelling on. Just move forward with what you must do.

 

If you can do that then whatever attraction you feel will eventually fade. You just have to commit to making that happen.

 

Again, none of this is from experience, just my opinion.

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help me understand why you decided to tell on yourself? This is pointless. Now you are really going to experience even more pain. Why did you tell

 

 

I told because he had a right to know. I would have wanted to know. I gave him the power to make his own decision after knowing what I did to him.

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You're extremely lucky that your husband forgave you.

 

 

 

Respect him then. Do all that you can to keep busy at work and know that you're there to do a job. Seriously, if you aren't functioning properly, GO to counselling. Both individual and marriage counselling. You need to focus on getting over the other guy and reconnect with your husband. It's unfair to still be lusting after him while knowing your H has forgiven you...

 

The MM has chosen not to have you in his life, so you need to stay away and never put yourself in a situation where you two alone. Need to think of your H, your kids as well as his wife and children too. NO good can come hanging onto him. None.

 

If you need to find another job, do so. And please, consider talking to a therapist because if you don't, you're going to let this ruin your life, as well as your family's life too.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

Finding another job, is not that easy for a person at my level. It would probably mean we would have to sell our home. This OM doesn't want me to leave the company. He swears we can still be friends but he agrees that we can never physically be in the same place, ever. Our chemistry and connection is just so strong that it's too painful not to be w/ him when I see him. He agrees. He does want me in his life and has even says he needs me in his life; but it's too painful for me to talk to him (daily because we have to; we are both in a position of making decisions for work together) and not discuss my feelings.

 

Thank you though... you make a good point about trying to focus on my job; and not that he's there too. (we live in different states)

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whichwayisup

You two can't be friends. It's impossible! Staying friends with him is a cancer to your marriage. The only way to get over him completely is to stay away from eachother. And, he's being selfish by telling you he 'needs' you in his life. You don't 'need' eachother, if you do - It's in a very unhealthy and selfish way...

 

So, you two are in different states but work in the same line of work? Therefore, you two don't 'see' eachother that often...?

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because I've never been in the same position as you, but I was in an affair with a woman who was married and both of us agreed that we weren't leaving our spouses for the other. There was love on my side there, but not the kind you're talking about.

 

He won't get over his desire for you. If you can't cut the cord for him then you have to figure out a way to remove yourself from the situation.

 

Your business life is suffering/will suffer which is unfair to you, but since your husband has already suffered more severely, does that really matter? Perhaps you'll feel like you've paid some kind of pennance if you go to another company. It's the only thing I can see that will remove the problem. Even still, you should expect a call or visit from the OM at some point and know how you're going to protect yourself from that. Have a way to have others around you or something.

 

Bottom line, invent an excuse to leave your company. Get your husband to help you find another job. Remove every temptation or possibility of backsliding you can.

 

Why things happened or why you chose to do things is irrelevant and isn't worth dwelling on. Just move forward with what you must do.

 

If you can do that then whatever attraction you feel will eventually fade. You just have to commit to making that happen.

 

Again, none of this is from experience, just my opinion.

 

 

 

I do agree with this - that total abstinence is the answer which means one of us has to leave - again, the positions we hold @ our salary levels, it's just not that easy. My leaving would hurt my family financially - my kid's lifestyles would completely have to chg. My H wouldn't care if we lived in a cardboard box though. Not only did he forgive me, but he still treats me with just as much respect as he did before this happened - wow, this many yrs of marriage - I would've thought he would punish me more for such a thing - instead, he wonders what he did wrong to make me need something else. It hurts to know I've made him feel that way; the sad thing is that I feel more guilty over how I feel about the OM, than I do about the actual affair. What does that say about me? I feel like a horrible person.

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You two can't be friends. It's impossible! Staying friends with him is a cancer to your marriage. The only way to get over him completely is to stay away from eachother. And, he's being selfish by telling you he 'needs' you in his life. You don't 'need' eachother, if you do - It's in a very unhealthy and selfish way...

 

So, you two are in different states but work in the same line of work? Therefore, you two don't 'see' eachother that often...?

 

 

We see each other about 2x per mth. Sometimes those are overnight trips. We are always in a group of co-workers cuz he and I are the ones who have to pay and intertain - on those trips, he always, always calls me later in the evening. I never call him. He's the one who calls me. We had one trip where he held out and didn't call me. I wasn't about to cave and call him. It's the only over night trip ever that we didn't end up spending the night together. If you would have asked me two years ago if I'd ever find myself here, I would have told you that you were crazy.

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You're extremely lucky that your husband forgave you.

 

Zoomarch - personally I don't think you were lucky at ALL, I don't think luck has ANYTHING to do with why your H forgave you. I think he simply weighed out his pros and cons and came to the conclusion that the pros outweighed the cons and THIS is why he chose to forgive you, of course that within the pros lies the fact that the man loves you. But you should not feel guilty for not feeling the same way towards him people do change and our heart can change, life hold no guarantees.

 

I can totally empathise with how dfficult your situation is. And no you are not crazy or foolish and should not be embarassed to admit, (here at least, you may find a few more understanding ears here because people have lived versions of what you experienced where as in the real world it is plagued with preconceived notions and critical remarks based on personal philosophies and theories) anywhow you shouldn't feel bad about confessing that though your husband chose to forgive you, you still ache for this othat man.

 

I can empathise with the fact that you can't just up and leave your work especially since you have worked so hard to get to where you are and you have put in so many years in that company. So having said that, it is going to take a bionic effort to stop these feelings that you are feeling.

The only real way to get over these types of relationships is through no contact, out of sight out of mind but having to face this man day in day out is EXTREMELY torturous.

 

I wish I had the magic answer, but all I can say is that it takes a lot of willpower to get over someone you feel in love with, though wrong as it may be. However your thought patterns are controlled by your thought process, you can find a way to break the pattern by retraining your brain to see this man in another light, that's not to say that your feelings will go away entirely but they can subside considerablly if you train yourself to think differntly to snap out of the thoughts you have. The more you focus or even obsess about how you feel about this OM the more he will remain vibrantly alive in your heart. It takes superhuman power at first but it gets easier over time, it CAN be done.

 

You see a lot of the times breaking out of the A is like breaking an addiction and unless you can break that pattern you will still be dependant on it. Again I find it extremly hard to do this if you have to see him every day. I know this will sound silly but have you considered hypnosis I know I know it's a dumb thing to suggest but who knows....you are seeking desperate measures so what would you have to lose by trying? It would be a form of recalibering your mind to think in a different pattern.

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He swears we can still be friends but he agrees that we can never physically be in the same place, ever.

 

Do not listen to him. You can't be friends and you must maintain N/C if your going to work on your marriage.

 

You actually don't sound like you want to be married to your H and instead want to be with this OM?

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Do not listen to him. You can't be friends and you must maintain N/C if your going to work on your marriage.

 

You actually don't sound like you want to be married to your H and instead want to be with this OM?

 

 

I do want to be married. My H is unbelievable. Even my mother says I don't deserve him. But I do love this OM & I hate my feelings for him. I just wish I'd wake up & all these feelings would be gone. I wake in the middle of the night and stay awake for hours thinking of him - the things he has said to me for the last 5+ yrs (the affair has only gone on for the past year) - the way we feel when we are together; the way I make him feel; the way he makes me feel - My life feels such a void w/o him.

 

As for this evening, my H is getting out of the shower right now & my kids are wanting me to tuck them in. How is that for a reality check? So I hope to log back in tomorrow morning and continue to receive support here - I just can't bring myself to seek help elsewhere. I don't know. I guess I'm too prideful. A character trait I used to be proud of.

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I do want to be married. My H is unbelievable. Even my mother says I don't deserve him. But I do love this OM & I hate my feelings for him. I just wish I'd wake up & all these feelings would be gone. I wake in the middle of the night and stay awake for hours thinking of him - the things he has said to me for the last 5+ yrs (the affair has only gone on for the past year) - the way we feel when we are together; the way I make him feel; the way he makes me feel - My life feels such a void w/o him.

 

As for this evening, my H is getting out of the shower right now & my kids are wanting me to tuck them in. How is that for a reality check? So I hope to log back in tomorrow morning and continue to receive support here - I just can't bring myself to seek help elsewhere. I don't know. I guess I'm too prideful. A character trait I used to be proud of.

Okay, if your want to then I'm sorry but you have to have N/C and you and your H need to be in MC.

 

Then you both can figure out what went wrong and try to get your relationship back to where you both want it.

 

What does your H think of all this?

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whichwayisup
We see each other about 2x per mth. Sometimes those are overnight trips. We are always in a group of co-workers cuz he and I are the ones who have to pay and intertain - on those trips, he always, always calls me later in the evening. I never call him. He's the one who calls me. We had one trip where he held out and didn't call me. I wasn't about to cave and call him. It's the only over night trip ever that we didn't end up spending the night together. If you would have asked me two years ago if I'd ever find myself here, I would have told you that you were crazy.

 

All you can do is ask him not to call you, to respect that, and if he does call, tell him that it's pointless to talk and only causing pain.

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That's just it. He has to call me. Like I said above, we are in positions where we have to make decisions together for work. I have tried not answering his calls when I see them coming in; I will then respond to his msg via email by saying something like "Sorry I was on the phone, what did you need?" He gets mad about this and says I should take his calls. He is of the belief that we can still be just as close of friends as we were before the affair. When he gets mad at me, I cave and start taking his calls again. Then we travel again, it happens again, and the cycle starts all over again. He does not like to talk about the affair at all when we aren't seeing each other - but he's all over me when we physically see each other again. I do not feel he has emotionally supported me through this break up. If you can call it a break up considering he wants to be w/ me when he sees me. Then claims it's not just sex for him, then starts with the convicition talk, guilt feelings when he's w/ his wife - all that talk - just to be all over me again when he sees me. How can that not just be about sex? He is afraid of getting caught cuz he's seen my H and is afraid of him. So he goes on as if this is over - he wants to talk about business and personal when he talks with me daily on the phone - but never wants to talk about the affair or our feelings for each other.

 

I hate my feelings for him. I want them to be for my H. I feel so trapped in this situation. Leaving my job would chg my life and my family's life if I could not land another position of the same level.

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hi there zm. just a lil thought on what i think. you say that you are guilty as possible for still thinking of your om whilst your husband has forgiven you. could it be possible that you are still thinking of the om because you already know that your husband will forgive you because he already forgave you for your own selfish reason, a reason that could destroy a person (and the person you supposedly love) ?

 

if that is the case, maybe you aren't really being sorry.

 

maybe you don't want to feel sorry, and you actually want to leave the marriage for this person. if you truely feel blessed to have been forgiven, i do not think that this person should even figure in your life ever again, let alone be friends. (would you even call this person a friend, if lets say the other person happened to be your best friend and she slept with your husband ) ?

 

maybe you just want to be selfish, and enjoy the attention showered on yourself right now. you want to be with your husband, and yet want to be with this other person.

 

if we were all small kids, this type of behaviour would just be rewarded with a real hard smack (boardering on violence) on our heads. instead, as adults, we become alltogether muddled, and don't know the right from wrong.

 

just entertain the idea that you just want the om. there's nothing wrong in that. just make sure you get the divorce first, and make sure everything is in order before you proceed.

 

and yes ... lets not forget the children ...

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The OM doesn't shower me w/ attention. In fact, I was always used to being showered w/ attention in my dating life - and my H also showered me w/ attention before our marriage and still does. The OM has actually stripped me of my self esteem, and self respect. Or maybe I just did that to myself. Up until him, anyone who knows me would tell you I was quite conceited. And I knew it. After starting the affair w/ this OM, he pointed out every flaw I had, yet all the while telling me he had never been with anyone as "hot" as me. He confused me big time. Why in the world I still have such strong feelings for him is beyond me. All I know is that he consumes my thoughts. And I hate it. Sometimes I do wish my H had not forgiven me - Then I would at least know what is real because I would have either gone after the OM, or maybe realized how much I love my H - Because after all, you don't know what you've got, til it's gone. I just don't know.

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Zoo,

 

Im just going to take a wild guess and say that your H doesnt make a ton of money and probably isnt super ambitous? If thats the case I pretty much know what your issue is.

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Zoo,

 

Im just going to take a wild guess and say that your H doesnt make a ton of money and probably isnt super ambitous? If thats the case I pretty much know what your issue is.

 

 

Ok, you are correct. Humor me and give me insight into what my problem is. Since I will never go see a Psychiatrist, you may as well tell me.

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Well, here is my guess based on past experience with this issue.

 

You simply lack respect for your H. He is the "nice guy" type that always finishes last as the saying goes. Women are hardwired to look for a strong man to support them and thier family. You would be alot more attracted to your H if he stood up to you and stopped playing the doormat. You mentioned that you have some religous convictions... this can play into that feeling as most churches look upon the man as the head of the household... yet you probably fill that role more than you H does.

 

I would guess he probably has some deep down self esteem issues and feels the need to be a people pleaser to get people to like him.

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He does have self esteem issues but is also confident in many ways. He is a hard worker - makes around 60k - I do make almost double that. He is a nice guy but he's also stubborn. He doesn't have many friends because he builds his life around me & the kids.

 

So this other man just emailed me to say he will be on the road soon and will call me and to please answer his call. Here we go - See? There is no reason he needs to call me. He will call to talk about work frustrations but there is no true work reason he needs to call me. Will I answer his call? Probably so. For two reasons: #1 I have a sick need to talk to him to and #2 I don't like it when he gets mad at me. It makes me feel like he has power over me when he's mad. Not just personally, but professionally. He makes my job harder when he's mad at me.

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The OM doesn't shower me w/ attention. In fact, I was always used to being showered w/ attention in my dating life - and my H also showered me w/ attention before our marriage and still does. The OM has actually stripped me of my self esteem, and self respect. Or maybe I just did that to myself. Up until him, anyone who knows me would tell you I was quite conceited. And I knew it. After starting the affair w/ this OM, he pointed out every flaw I had, yet all the while telling me he had never been with anyone as "hot" as me. He confused me big time. Why in the world I still have such strong feelings for him is beyond me. All I know is that he consumes my thoughts. And I hate it. Sometimes I do wish my H had not forgiven me - Then I would at least know what is real because I would have either gone after the OM, or maybe realized how much I love my H - Because after all, you don't know what you've got, til it's gone. I just don't know.

 

He's arrogant and a challenge, some women find that irresistible.

 

You do need figure out what it is that you like about this man so much and then you also need to figure out what you don't. It seems right now you are only feeding your brain positive things about this guy and that's why you are hanging on so tight.

 

Also, if you figure out what you like in him VS what you don't like in your H if the likes outweigh the dislikes then prehaps it's time to move on from your H and find a man that has more of the qualities this OM has.

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TogetherForever
He does have self esteem issues but is also confident in many ways. He is a hard worker - makes around 60k - I do make almost double that. He is a nice guy but he's also stubborn. He doesn't have many friends because he builds his life around me & the kids.

 

So this other man just emailed me to say he will be on the road soon and will call me and to please answer his call. Here we go - See? There is no reason he needs to call me. He will call to talk about work frustrations but there is no true work reason he needs to call me. Will I answer his call? Probably so. For two reasons: #1 I have a sick need to talk to him to and #2 I don't like it when he gets mad at me. It makes me feel like he has power over me when he's mad. Not just personally, but professionally. He makes my job harder when he's mad at me.

 

 

"There is NO reason he needs to call me".

Keep repeating that sentence!! It might help you IGNORE his call.

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scaredinlove

Ok!

 

 

This affair could start again any minute, if your feelings are so strong. He is calling you and he still wants you althought he is trying to fight it.

 

You sound pretty much like my affair ( what comes to attraction and feelings) and it could start over again because the attraction is so strong.

 

Good luck and I think only time can change that.:)

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The OM doesn't shower me w/ attention. In fact, I was always used to being showered w/ attention in my dating life - and my H also showered me w/ attention before our marriage and still does. The OM has actually stripped me of my self esteem, and self respect. Or maybe I just did that to myself. Up until him, anyone who knows me would tell you I was quite conceited. And I knew it. After starting the affair w/ this OM, he pointed out every flaw I had, yet all the while telling me he had never been with anyone as "hot" as me. He confused me big time. Why in the world I still have such strong feelings for him is beyond me. All I know is that he consumes my thoughts. And I hate it. Sometimes I do wish my H had not forgiven me - Then I would at least know what is real because I would have either gone after the OM, or maybe realized how much I love my H - Because after all, you don't know what you've got, til it's gone. I just don't know.

 

Emotional abuse. Flat out. Your OM has self-esteem issues, not too different from the ones you say your H has.

 

He had to knock you down to make himself feel like the stud getting the "hottest" woman he ever had? Bas*tard!!

 

You need some help getting this man off your mind. I can think of a few things that will make you never look at him the same ever again. You will even be able to take his calls again and focus on work.

 

I absolutely HATE men that deflate our egos to inflate their own!!

 

BTW, I think you did good telling your H. I couldn't have done that myself. I admire that.

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