Any thoughts welcomed...

[tft]

Hi All

I'm new to this and could do with some advice. I've been involved with a mm for nearly 2yrs, it had a very intense start as we were away, when we came back we developed a very intimate friendship over the course of 18months (no physical relationship other than kissing). I was involved with someone and left my partner 3 months ago, since then he left his w (without telling her why-he doesn't want her to know) and a physical relationship started. But ended up going back (same day he left, she'd gone away) because he couldn't deal with the hurt to her and his family (they have been togther for yrs, married for a couple but no kids) He told me 2 days later that we were over which was awful because I truely believe he's my soul mate. A wk later he realised he "can't be happy without me", and tried to win me back, with some success. So many promises, some really intense letters etc and I believe that he does love me. That was a month ago. I'm so into this guy but since then although there have been promises of flat hunting etc nothing has materialised. He's been away for the weekend, I'll see him tomorrow. He tells me he loves me and it will all be okay, that he knows he's hurting me now but it will be okay cos in a few weeks I'll be happy. I don't now if i'm just better off walking away though, i was destroyed when he dumped me the first time and it could happen again? I'm seeing a counselor which is helping but I would really appreciate any opinions you guys have (i've been reading this board over the last few days and it seems very helpful to have other people in the same boat offer advice)

Have kept the details vague for obvious reasons but the story is ther ein full

Thanks so much.

[whichwayisup]

If you continue to be in his life as the OW, he won't do anything. You'll stay the OW. He's got two women right now, why would he want to give one up? Only way to make something happen, is to say goodbye to him, tell him to call you when the divorce is done and THEN you two can date and start something up. Until then, it's pointless because he'll continue to go back and forth between his wife and you - Hiding and lying, betraying her - And leading you on, making you feel like you have a future with him, when infact, chances are, he has no real intention of putting what he is saying to you in action. You need to say goodbye to him. If he wants to be with you, he'll do all that is necessary to end his marriage. If he doesn't, then it means that he loves his wife and doesn't want to give up it all up, the house, friends, their family, their life together.

 

He may really care for you, but he isn't available. Bottomline, he's married and shouldn't be promising things to you that more than likely aren't going to happen.

 

Right now the choices is yours. What he is offering you is to stay in his life as the OW and continue the affair. Nothing more, nothing less. Or, you can realize you deserve better and MORE, and not be part of this anymore and end it.

[Tomcat33]

TfT WOW your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine was I mean EXACTLY.

With the difference of timing of events the events themselves match what happened to me almost exactly.

 

Let me tell you NOTHING compares to the first blow of having this man flip-flop back to his marriage in order to "work" things out after having spent the day with you the day before telling you how in love he was and just how happy he was with you only to find an email from him a few days later explaining he had to go back home that he was devestated but that he could not do it. It is pain unlike anything I have ever experience before, not sure it it was like this for you as well?

 

What can I say...if you walk away now you might miss out on knowing what will really happen between you and this man, on the other hand since you already had a taste of what it's like to think the rel. is going somewhere only to find that the rug is yanked from right under your feet making you lose complete balance, then you might as well brace yourself because there mayb be plenty more of where that came from. It sounds like your man is going through some major indecisiveness and I doubt his head will get any clearer if you stand by his side. Maybe you need to step away to make him realise just what you mean to him and what he wants to do with his marriage? No one knows we are not in his head.

 

I am not going to tell you cut him off for good or think of his family or his W, or HIM or think of how wrong what you are doing is and all that crap, because that is really not your problem right now. What I am going to tell you is THINK OF YOU. Think of what you are feeling and whether you are up for more pain and uncertainty (you might be up for more), if you are strong enough to possbily withstand the reprecutions of his wishy-washiness then proceed on the path you are on. If you take care of YOU first everything else will fall into place as far as dealing with all the external things that cause you negative emotions and that generate guilt, by focusing on you you'll have more clarity and be better prepared to handle this in a way that is best for everyone.

 

I am very curious to know what your therapist is telling you, can you share what advice therapy offers you?

[Shades of Grey]

Hi TFT,

 

I just wanted to say that TomCat's post is in my opinion really brilliant advice.

 

I can also vouch for the fact that there is nothing like the pain of the e-mail saying he is going to try again with his wife. That it's for the best despite the fact that it destroys him and that he was with you only hours earlier declaring that you were his soulmate and he couldn't live without you. etc etc. I really feel for you in this respect.

 

Unfortunately she is right in saying that if you are intending to hang on the chances are it will get harder and harder to pick your self back up. Her suggestion that you need to prepare yourself for this and concentrate on YOU is very true.

 

All the best xx

[mystic_pizza]

Hi tft, I just wanted to let you know that I read something recently about what happens after the MM leaves his marriage and it really opened my eyes to the reality of, "he's left, now what?" This is when his own emotional roller coaster truly begins. He will go through a ton of emotions during this time and it is completely normal. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and let him go through these emotions without letting it hurt you.

 

During this time he will feel guilt, be depressed, frightened about loss, question his decision etc. Some days he will want you in his arms other days he will need his space. It is part of the process. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself while he is on this emotional roller coaster and give him all the space he needs to work through all of this. The divorce is between him and his wife, so don't let yourself get sucked into their emotions, it is not about you...it is about them. I wouldn't give up on him though, he did leave his wife, your relationship is just going to be a bit rocky during the process, but it is all normal.

[Tomcat33]

Hi tft, I just wanted to let you know that I read something recently about what happens after the MM leaves his marriage and it really opened my eyes to the reality of, "he's left, now what?" This is when his own emotional roller coaster truly begins. He will go through a ton of emotions during this time and it is completely normal. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and let him go through these emotions without letting it hurt you.

 

During this time he will feel guilt, be depressed, frightened about loss, question his decision etc. Some days he will want you in his arms other days he will need his space. It is part of the process. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself while he is on this emotional roller coaster and give him all the space he needs to work through all of this. The divorce is between him and his wife, so don't let yourself get sucked into their emotions, it is not about you...it is about them. I wouldn't give up on him though, he did leave his wife, your relationship is just going to be a bit rocky during the process, but it is all normal.

 

 

Thanks Shades of Gray! I take it you've been there too?

 

And also excellent advice by Mystic Pizza. I would also agree to stick it out, if he has moved out and shown you he is prepared to make the move, however I would also caution you on the fact that this will NOT be like your conventional relationship where by as soon as he is out and ready for the Divorce his marriage and emotions that go along with ending that are history! All the contrary, the emotional rollercoaster Mystic described is EXACTLY what he will go though, because right now he is too consumed with trying to decide on what to do on which rel to go for on and this is emotionally consuming enough. But if he does choose to go for your rel. he will then be hit with the reality of the ending of his marriage, or the "breakup"

 

It's not because he has you that he can by-pass this grieving period. He will still need to ride it out and try to be his best with you and this can cause some friction in your relationship. At times as supportive as you want to be it is VERY hard to support the man you love who is so down with you because he is gieving a past rel. And add to that the uncertainty of whether he could decide to forefit his decision and retract the separation. All factors that do wonders for your insecurties...

 

Speaking from first hand experience I totally agree with Mystic. That is something that is VERY hard to do, to watch the person you waited for so long to be with, descend into a depressive state because of the termination of the marriage, it takes a lot of strength on the new woman's part to seperate those feelings that he is going though from her own.

And it is totally natural that he would go through this, it is natural to all relationships terminating but very hard to deal with once in it.

 

You have to be a good friend, a psychiatrist, a therapist, let things roll of your back like a duck, and you have to take care of your best interest which is this new rel with this man. And all these things are very hard to do no matter how focused you are to do what's best.

 

So this is something you should be prepared for, you should make yourself very aware of the fact that you are not dating a person who is emotionally ready for a new rel, he will still have to grieve the past one. This is something we rarely take into account when in the situation, we are so consumed with "will we end up together or not" that we can't envision the other aspect which is the emotional "break-up process" he will later embark on.

 

Sorry I just re-read my post and it sounds an awful lot like I am trying to discourage you but please don't see it that way, I am only sharing my observations and conclusions based on of my experience in the hopes it can help to open your eyes to some of the things we fail to see while we are consumed by the relationship.

[Shades of Grey]

Thanks Shades of Gray! I take it you've been there too?

 

Oh yes!!

 

Sorry I was under the impression that TFT's MM had now gone back to his wife but is again questioning his decision to do so??

[Tomcat33]

Thanks Shades of Gray! I take it you've been there too?

 

Oh yes!!

 

Sorry I was under the impression that TFT's MM had now gone back to his wife but is again questioning his decision to do so??

 

 

Yes you are correct that is the impression I also got, we are just taking a step further to "warn" of what's to come should he decide to leave his W again...the first try never sticks he will go back to tft for sure.

[mystic_pizza]

I haven't gone through this yet, but it could be a possibility in the future. I stumbled upon an article on the Web describing what life is really like after the MM leaves the marriage. It scared the living daylights out of me. It basically said, being in an EMA with a MM is hard enough, but is nothing compared to what it is like when he decides to leave his marriage and actually does it. It was a real eye opener. It made me really evaluate my R with my MM and think about how strong our R is and will it withstand the turmoil of divorce.

 

The one point the article kept repeating was how important it is for the OW to take of herself during this period and be prepared for the possibility that he may go back to his wife. TFT, I am not saying this to frighten you, he may go through with the divorce and the two of you will have a relationship, but just be prepared for the other possibility.

[tft]

Hello

I'm touched to have so many replies!

Whichwayis up, I have days when I think exactly the same as you. And there are other days when I'll know I'll regret not hanging on for another few weeks. He did leave, told his parents and her parents and the reason he went back home (60 miles away) was because she'd gone back with her parents and he felt guilty being happy when she was so upset.

 

Tomcat33, if you have been through this then yes I know how much it hurts, like the previous 2 yrs were a lie. Like I'd lost my best friend as well as my lover. The therapist just listens, and asks questions like how long i'm prepared to wait, and for what purpose he needs "time to sory myself out". I know he's been lying to her and he could be to me but he's always been honest, even when i haven't wanted to hear what he was saying. I know if it does finally end in a couple of months it would hurt more.

 

Mystic pizza, we've had the chat about how difficult its going to be afterwards. I'm 20's he's 30's so I know how its going to look to both of our families.

 

Shadesof Grey, the best thing for me is him. That really how I feel. If he can'ty give me what I need I will walk though. He only went back to her cos it was the easiest way to keep everyone (bar me) happy. I should be the one he puts first if he loves me and thats what hurts the most.

 

As it I'm really insecure and have an internal battle raging, waiting or walking. I need him to show me he loves me, otherwise its all words...but I don't want to issue him with an ultimatum or force his hand if he isn't ready....argh! Truth is i love him and he knows I'm here. I really would do anything for him, he's told me that I'm his counselor as well as his best friend. I do know whats best for him, he fell to pieces in the week we were "split up". I don't want to be the OW anymore and he knows that. I need to see some actions I think. He's back in work tomorrow, i think we'll be having a chat so will keep you all posted. Many thanks for all the replies and advice, I know i have a tricky decision to make. This is a really helpful forum, and its nice not to be judged (the therapist helps with the guilt side too)

Thakns again xx

[tft]

Yes you are correct that is the impression I also got, we are just taking a step further to "warn" of what's to come should he decide to leave his W again...the first try never sticks he will go back to tft for sure.

 

Do you really think he'sll chose me? Thats what my heart says but my head says different. But then love is illogical. I've already told him I'm prepared to deal with all the cr*p that will happen afterwards, I'm aware it will be really difficult, I should have made him stay last time (he said so himself!)

[tft]

I haven't gone through this yet, but it could be a possibility in the future. I stumbled upon an article on the Web describing what life is really like after the MM leaves the marriage. It scared the living daylights out of me. It basically said, being in an EMA with a MM is hard enough, but is nothing compared to what it is like when he decides to leave his marriage and actually does it. It was a real eye opener. It made me really evaluate my R with my MM and think about how strong our R is and will it withstand the turmoil of divorce.

 

The one point the article kept repeating was how important it is for the OW to take of herself during this period and be prepared for the possibility that he may go back to his wife. TFT, I am not saying this to frighten you, he may go through with the divorce and the two of you will have a relationship, but just be prepared for the other possibility.

 

The thought of him thinking he's made the wrong decision 6 months in does scare me. He did his best to reassure me. I am prepared though, to take that chance else I'd probably regret it forever. If you find that article again could you post the link?

[mystic_pizza]

Hi tft, I was going to post the link, but then I read the forum rules and I don't think it is allowed. I didn't want to tick off the moderators, especially since I am so new here. If I find a site that has it and is not a competitor, I will certainly post the link.

 

In the meantime, best of luck to you during this very trying time. I hope that it all works out for you and you end up happy. It is a tough road, but it sounds like you have what it takes to see it through. Take care of yourself, first and foremost! Keep us posted on your progress.

[tft]

Hi tft, I was going to post the link, but then I read the forum rules and I don't think it is allowed. I didn't want to tick off the moderators, especially since I am so new here. If I find a site that has it and is not a competitor, I will certainly post the link.

 

In the meantime, best of luck to you during this very trying time. I hope that it all works out for you and you end up happy. It is a tough road, but it sounds like you have what it takes to see it through. Take care of yourself, first and foremost! Keep us posted on your progress.

 

That would be great if you can, if not I understand the rules!

 

I will look out for myself, have an appointment with the counselor today which will be useful. I know i don;t deserve to be treated like this.

 

Thanks again to all of you for your advice.

[lonelybird]

(the therapist helps with the guilt side too)

Thakns again xx

yes, they always do

stay strong