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Would you stay in affair when mm isnt leaving


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I am very curious as to why an OW/OM would continue in an affair when the married man/woman makes it clear that he has decided to stay in his marriage for whatever reason.

I was content to remain in the affair when I thought there was a chance he would leave and be with me because the great majority of OP want this. It makes sense; if you love someone you want them to spend their time with you and sleep only with you.

 

 

My xmm continues to hang around places that I frequent, but I will not resume things because I cannot convince myself that the affair is all that I want and all that I am entitled to. I do love this man but to resurrect the affair would be soul destroying and hurt me too much as he has already said that he is staying in the marriage.

I would still resent him after he left me to go home and I am pretty sure that he would disrespect and take me for granted (he would not admit to this of course).

He has already told me that he has chosen not to be with me and I know that he has feelings for his wife. Admitting this is difficult, but at least I am not racked with jealousy and resentment every time he leaves me to go to a place he prefers to be (home) because I am not part of his life anymore.

 

Anyone got any views.

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Absolutely not. If I wasn't so sure that he was telling me the truth and definitely going to leave there is no way in hell I would have put up with waiting around for this long and doing everything he tells me to do (well, until Monday when I told his wife some things). If he is going to stay in the marriage I will DEFINITELY be done with him completely because that would mean EVERYTHING he has been saying to me have been complete, utter lies and that would disgust me. I would wash my hands completely clean of him and never ever ever speak to that man again. We'll see within a week....

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I am very curious as to why an OW/OM would continue in an affair when the married man/woman makes it clear that he has decided to stay in his marriage for whatever reason.

 

It would depend on what the OW wants from the affair. Typically, the MM doesn't give her very much, so if she lets her expectations get carried away, she's in for a lot of disappointment.

 

I was content to remain in the affair when I thought there was a chance he would leave and be with me because the great majority of OP want this. It makes sense; if you love someone you want them to spend their time with you and sleep only with you.

 

No, I don't agree. If you REALLY love someone, you want what's best for THEM. Even if it hurts YOU. Love isn't about ownership.

 

Forgive me. This doesn't sound very supportive or comforting, does it? I guess I'm writing this more for myself than for you. I'm currently fighting the temptation to get involved with a MM. And these are the reasons I keep telling myself.

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I cannot convince myself that the affair is all that I want and all that I am entitled to. I do love this man but to resurrect the affair would be soul destroying

 

am sorry to hear that you discovered this the hard way, but I'm proud of you for not selling yourself short – love can come at a price, but it should never, ever be your dignity. And I think that's what an affair does to the parties involved: It destroys their dignity.

 

what would I do? As a married woman, I'd give my man walking papers, regardless of who did the cheating, because I'm a firm believer that you should have enough respect for yourself and your spouse to walk away rather than drag them into a conflicted lifestyle that's based on lies and cover-ups and divided loyalty. I think I could handle rejection much much more easily than I could living the lie of a decent marriage ...

 

if I were a single gal who discovered her lover was married, I'd walk. Because I've been on the receiving end of divided loyalty and it wasn't a very pretty place to be. Call it pride, call it what you will, but I deserve better than half a life that a married lover could only offer. I could respect a former lover who decided to give his marriage his best and choose to stay with his wife, than someone who waffles, who says he loves me ... but doesn't do anything to resolve the situation in either direction.

 

because no one, NO ONE should feel they have to sell themselves short just for a chance at love.

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GreenEyedLady
I was content to remain in the affair when I thought there was a chance he would leave and be with me because the great majority of OP want this. Anyone got any views.

 

Are you still trying to pass yourself off as an XOW?

 

I guess you can tell what my view is...;)

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If you REALLY love someone, you want what's best for THEM. Even if it hurts YOU.

 

No offense, but this sounds really unhealthy and co-dependent. The "even if it hurts you" part and the "you want what's best for them". Where is the compromise? What about what is best for the BOTH of you?

 

Really unhealthy sounding.

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FavoriteHeadache
I am very curious as to why an OW/OM would continue in an affair when the married man/woman makes it clear that he has decided to stay in his marriage for whatever reason.

I was content to remain in the affair when I thought there was a chance he would leave and be with me because the great majority of OP want this. It makes sense; if you love someone you want them to spend their time with you and sleep only with you.

 

 

My xmm continues to hang around places that I frequent, but I will not resume things because I cannot convince myself that the affair is all that I want and all that I am entitled to. I do love this man but to resurrect the affair would be soul destroying and hurt me too much as he has already said that he is staying in the marriage.

I would still resent him after he left me to go home and I am pretty sure that he would disrespect and take me for granted (he would not admit to this of course).

He has already told me that he has chosen not to be with me and I know that he has feelings for his wife. Admitting this is difficult, but at least I am not racked with jealousy and resentment every time he leaves me to go to a place he prefers to be (home) because I am not part of his life anymore.

 

Anyone got any views.

 

I guess it depends why a person had the affair to begin with and what the circumstances were.

Mine was a mutual situation and both she and I were married and neither of us were going to leave our marriages. In our case we always knew that it was temporary and would never amount to anything else.

Having said that, she was jealous when she knew I was with my wife and I always felt jealous when her husband was in town. Very weird but that was how it was.

I suspect that the guy loves you but he also loves his wife. It is very unlikely that he will ever fully commit to you (he's even saying as much) so don't expect that to happen. He probably would like to keep things going as they are for now. So either use him as he is using you for now or end it immediately.

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No, I don't agree. If you REALLY love someone, you want what's best for THEM. Even if it hurts YOU. Love isn't about ownership.

 

That only works when you apply it to yourself. If you really love yourself you'll do what's best for you. And that means gettin out of a relationship with a MM every goddamn time.

 

Who gives a damn what a MM goes through when he makes the decision to carry on with another woman? He's making his bed like crazy, let him lie in it. On his own.

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I am very curious as to why an OW/OM would continue in an affair when the married man/woman makes it clear that he has decided to stay in his marriage for whatever reason.

I was content to remain in the affair when I thought there was a chance he would leave and be with me because the great majority of OP want this. It makes sense; if you love someone you want them to spend their time with you and sleep only with you.

 

...

He has already told me that he has chosen not to be with me and I know that he has feelings for his wife.

 

I think it depends on what the reasons are, what the circumstances of the marriage are, what the OW (or OM's) life is like (are they married themselves, for example), and what level of contact/ nature of relationship the affair couple have.

 

Personally, my MM told me he wasn't going to leave. He has no feelings for his wife, but he thinks it's best for the children if he stays. My response to this has been to see what I'm getting out of the relationship currently, and whether it's worth my time to stay involved.

 

You say your MM has feelings for his wife, and he's 'chosen' her over you. For me, if I thought that was the case, I'd be like you and end my involvement with him on that basis. Not ALL OW feel like that, however. An awful lot of OW are also the MW in an affair situation, and they just don't have time or inclination to sit around wondering if they're second best or 'accepting crumbs' or any of that... they have a husband at home, and usually children too.

 

There are definitely some changes (or differences) when you know the married person is staying married (or never intended to leave). For me, it's been to focus on the here and now, rather than to live life on hope and your nerves. In many ways that's refreshing, real, and sobering... in no time at all the rose-coloured glasses are off. Then it really is up to the MM to deliever a good relationship in the here and now, because no OW is going to sit around dreaming of tomorrow in that situation.

 

So, in short. I think OP stay in the affair even though the MP isn't leaving because it's working for them. The relationship has to fulfil needs otherwise, like any other, it will die a natural death.

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Are you still trying to pass yourself off as an XOW?

 

I guess you can tell what my view is...;)

 

 

AND JUST WHAT IS YOUR POINT?

Are you suggesting that I am still an OW.

I could be but choose not to be.

Either contribute to the topic or keep quiet.

Who said silence wa golden?

Are you still passing yourself off as a caring human being?

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lovernotafighter
AND JUST WHAT IS YOUR POINT?

Are you suggesting that I am still an OW.

I could be but choose not to be.

Either contribute to the topic or keep quiet.

Who said silence wa golden?

Are you still passing yourself off as a caring human being?

 

 

 

 

that's pretty uncalled for, she has been for awhile and is a exceptionally caring human being!

how your statement correlates to your own topic is any one's guess however you should know what you are saying when you say it 'cause in this instance you are dead wrong

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that's pretty uncalled for, she has been for awhile and is a exceptionally caring human being!

how your statement correlates to your own topic is any one's guess however you should know what you are saying when you say it 'cause in this instance you are dead wrong

 

 

I take exception to GEL or anyone suggesting that I am passing myself off as an xOW.

I take that to mean that I am deceiving people about my situation, so yes it was called for. Now you know why I felt offended by her comment.

Anyway I intend to go back on topic now.

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I think it depends on what the reasons are, what the circumstances of the marriage are, what the OW (or OM's) life is like (are they married themselves, for example), and what level of contact/ nature of relationship the affair couple have.

 

Personally, my MM told me he wasn't going to leave. He has no feelings for his wife, but he thinks it's best for the children if he stays. My response to this has been to see what I'm getting out of the relationship currently, and whether it's worth my time to stay involved.

 

You say your MM has feelings for his wife, and he's 'chosen' her over you. For me, if I thought that was the case, I'd be like you and end my involvement with him on that basis. Not ALL OW feel like that, however. An awful lot of OW are also the MW in an affair situation, and they just don't have time or inclination to sit around wondering if they're second best or 'accepting crumbs' or any of that... they have a husband at home, and usually children too.

 

There are definitely some changes (or differences) when you know the married person is staying married (or never intended to leave). For me, it's been to focus on the here and now, rather than to live life on hope and your nerves. In many ways that's refreshing, real, and sobering... in no time at all the rose-coloured glasses are off. Then it really is up to the MM to deliever a good relationship in the here and now, because no OW is going to sit around dreaming of tomorrow in that situation.

 

So, in short. I think OP stay in the affair even though the MP isn't leaving because it's working for them. The relationship has to fulfil needs otherwise, like any other, it will die a natural death.

 

 

Sorry Frannie, when I said that my mm had chosen not to be with me, I meant that he had told me he couldn't leave, after lots of dithering and giving mixed messages. So when push came to shove, he had chosen his wife over me.

Because of his decision I assumed that he had feelings for his wife and he has children. I still got all the "if" this had happened, my future would have been different, and I thought well the future is in your hands and you are choosing to live an unfulfilled life. I personally decided that he did not love me enough.

I knew a mm yonks ago and we were friends and were just talking and he was considering leaving his wife and kids. He said that his children were 16 and 18 and I said it would be worse/harder if they were young children. He surprised me by saying that when they get older the tie is stronger and he had a real bond with his sons, and they could share so much more now that they were older. So another cliche is blown out of the water.

 

And when I say that I have decided not to resume with him, it still does pull at my heart strings. However the longer I stay away the "easier" it becomes. We are both stubborn and so that is that.

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scaredinlove

I am stying and he will probably never leave. I decided to stay anyway because i love him. If will last I don't know.

 

one reason is I don't want to start a new relationship and i don't want a full time relationship right now.

 

Another reason is I don't seem to be able to leave him. Or maybe I just don't want to. I always tell myself to walk away but as soon as I hear his voice or I am in his arms i change my mind quickly.

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Sorry Frannie, when I said that my mm had chosen not to be with me, I meant that he had told me he couldn't leave, after lots of dithering and giving mixed messages. So when push came to shove, he had chosen his wife over me.

Because of his decision I assumed that he had feelings for his wife and he has children. I still got all the "if" this had happened, my future would have been different, and I thought well the future is in your hands and you are choosing to live an unfulfilled life. I personally decided that he did not love me enough.

I knew a mm yonks ago and we were friends and were just talking and he was considering leaving his wife and kids. He said that his children were 16 and 18 and I said it would be worse/harder if they were young children. He surprised me by saying that when they get older the tie is stronger and he had a real bond with his sons, and they could share so much more now that they were older. So another cliche is blown out of the water.

 

And when I say that I have decided not to resume with him, it still does pull at my heart strings. However the longer I stay away the "easier" it becomes. We are both stubborn and so that is that.

 

Right, so it's your assumption that this is about feelings for his wife, rather than anything to do with his children?

 

I must say I've never got that impression from my MM.

 

And I agree with what you quote about it being no easier when the children get older. Everything I've read (and know from divorces of friends) says it is no easier on children when they're in their teens or later. All that said, I don't think that matters much when making a decision to leave. My MM talks about being there for his children when they're young. It is about what he feels is right, and what he feels he needs to do. I don't think facts and logic come into it.

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Right, so it's your assumption that this is about feelings for his wife, rather than anything to do with his children?

 

I must say I've never got that impression from my MM.

 

And I agree with what you quote about it being no easier when the children get older. Everything I've read (and know from divorces of friends) says it is no easier on children when they're in their teens or later. All that said, I don't think that matters much when making a decision to leave. My MM talks about being there for his children when they're young. It is about what he feels is right, and what he feels he needs to do. I don't think facts and logic come into it.

 

 

I am making assumptions that my xmm has feelings for both his children and his wife. Quite possibly his feelings are far stronger for his children than for his wife (they are different anyway).

I don't think that any mm who wishes to retain a relationship with his OW is going to admit thathe loves his wife. I am willing to presume that he is not in love with his wife, but I still maintain that he has feelings for his wife (of love) but he would not tell me that as it would hurt me and would make me look at our affair in a critical way.

 

So I look at the facts; that he still sleeps with his wife, as in shares a bed, and if his kids are all important, then why does he risk having a relationship with me?

So I reckon that he doesn't love either me or his wife or his kids as much as he loves the set up where all his needs were being met. I just decided that as he wasn't prepared to make any changes to his life, then he wasn't in love with me. Basically his family life is more important to him than giving me the life that I feel I deserve, so he gave me a part of himself and then switches into "family mode" when I was not with him.

I don't think that a man who can do that is realy into anyone other than himself. That is why I stay clear of him these days.

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mystic_pizza
Basically his family life is more important to him than giving me the life that I feel I deserve, so he gave me a part of himself and then switches into "family mode" when I was not with him.

I don't think that a man who can do that is realy into anyone other than himself. That is why I stay clear of him these days.

 

Actually, that is called compartmentalizing. This seems to be trait a lot of MM have during an A, however it doesn't necessarily mean they are enjoying it. I had this discussion with my MM because I felt he enjoyed getting from me what he lacked in his M, but at the same time enjoyed going back to his comfortable life when not with me. He said I was wrong. I think a MM who is contemplating leaving his M has to compartmentalize while he is trying to figure things out, that is the only way they know how to deal with things. If they are contemplating leaving the M, they show movement in that direction and keep their OW updated on their progress.

 

On the other hand, there are MM who make this mode switch because they want both their cake and eat it too. In this case, I feel, the decision is the responsibility of the OW, meaning they have to decide whether or not they want to continue under the circumstances. Some OW's do and some don't. The OW has to really analyze how the R is making them feel and decide if it is worth it or not. This seems to be your case and that is great. You decided it was too damaging for you to continue and that deserves complete respect.

 

In some cases you are right and the MM is being selfish, but in other cases, MM have to compartmentalize until they can figure out how to proceed. Does this make any sense?

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mystic_pizza

To answer the original post of whether to stay if the MM isn’t leaving his M, I would stay for a bit, but then eventually get out because I am single. I would want the opportunity to find someone I can spend my life with out in the open.

 

Another point I wanted to make regarding my previous post is that some MM are truly conflicted about whether or not they should leave their marriage, especially if kids are involved. Leaving a marriage with kids is a hard decision to make affair or not. I waffled with the decision to leave my marriage for two years before I finally decided to get divorced and I wasn’t having an affair. That was many many years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made. So, there are a lot of dynamics involved in making this sort of decision and it isn’t always selfishness. In my case, my husband was verbally abusive, so I felt staying would be more damaging to the kids than leaving. It was a hard decision to make though. Had he not been abusive, I might have stayed and tried to work it out.

 

However, there are some MM who dangle the “if” and “future” carrots to string the OW along for as long as possible and in this case it is pure selfishness. But, that is not always the case, some do truly fall in love with someone else and become completely conflicted about what to do.

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child_of_isis

Okay, this may sound cruel, but I am trying to get in the head of a MM concerning his children....so nobody take it personally.

 

I am almost betting he is thinking about the OW...okay, she is fine to sleep and play house with (if he left W), but do I want her involved with my children?

 

Most likely he would get visiting rights and such and would bring them to his new residence for the weekend and such, and OW will be in the picture.

 

From what I m picking up in the posts, the MM has a lot of contempt for the OW for the very fact that she is messing with a MM.

 

So of course he is thinking...is this the type of woman that should be helping me raise my kids? (Albeit only part time)

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Maybe there are some who go into this just as a fling.

Some go into an affair with a MM or MW knowing there is safety in remaining single.

So it depends on your goal.

Also you'd have to suspect that IF you were to get him to marry you there would be a huge chance he'd go and find himself another.

 

To your original question would I stay? I don't know. I'm being honest. I don't know the depth of your feelings nor reasons behind his reluctance to leave her.

Divorce is expensive. She'd get at the very least half of all he has.

 

Perhaps it's time you cut your losses and move on. Marriage to this man is not likely to happen.

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child_of_isis

I think another part of the reluctance for MM to leave the wife, is knowing that if he leaves, she will eventually find another lover.

 

I know most MM say they don't like or care for the wife, and they aren't sleeping with her, but most of the time that is not true. Okay, they may get too busy and skip a week here or there, but not often.

 

 

Anyway, the MM eventually has to make a decision of which woman he is willing to throw out there for other men to paw on. The thought of another man pawing on OW may bruise his ego a bit.

 

But the thought of another man pawing on his W can bring them to their knees.

 

 

As long as MM keeps OW a secret and W is staying home, all is fine. But the moment it is blown wide open and W hits the dance floor and the dating scene, (aka as revenge sex) no amount of nothing will stop him from trying to win her back.

 

Now of course MM is not going to tell you all this. He is going to pull out words like children, guilt, cheaper to keeper and blah blah....

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circeinvidiosa

No one else has said it, so I will -- how about just plain old ADDICTION?

 

I stayed with him even when I knew it was a huge mistake and I was ruining my life in a big, big way. The sex was GREAT and totally addicting .... I needed my "fix" regularly.

 

In addition to that, we had a terrific time together, doing all the things we both wanted to do. We went out regularly on the weekends. We went to concerts and jazz clubs and movies and restaurants and local festivals. We went out sometimes with a few of his friends who knew about us. We worked together closely so we saw each other every day. He offered me great support and some halfway decent advice about how to run my team (I was new to the job and he'd had a few years experience). Sometimes (but not frequently) he stayed over night at my house, but beyond that, we had hundreds of hours of time together every month.

 

There was some drama and furtiveness, but now that I look back on it, it was mostly just enough to add some serious spice to the relationship -- not enough to be crippling until the last year or so.

 

Being angry and fighting, or separating for a time (always at my insistence) made me feel absolutely miserable. I tried and tried to break up with him but I was hopelessly entangled. I was then, and am now convinced that there was a strong hormonal element in all this and I wasn't completely in control of the decision to stay or go.

 

I knew I was wasting an important time in my life that I could have been using to get a real partner (after my divorce, which was when this started), but I didn't believe I could find anyone much better than him and the attachment to him, as I've said, was powerful and overwhelming.

 

Even psychotherapy did nothing for me -- it even made my misery worse.

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child_of_isis

Hormonal? Wouldn't that then be endorphins? Sex does release endorphins...and I think "love" supposedly does also.

 

Hell....if that is the case, go see an acupuncturist when you need an endorphin fix ;-)

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lonelybird

Would you stay in affair when mm isnt leaving?

 

Well if they choose to stay, that really gonna to be a big LOSS!!!

 

1. Commit adultery, so cannot enter kingdom of heaven, and end up in hell. unless you repent and SIN NO MORE

 

2. hurt others and children, big time

 

3. damage self-esteem, BIG TIME

 

4. loose the chance that you can find a WHOLE man, not just half

 

5. more delusion, begin to tell yourself "I just want a little crumb" and justify it!

 

If you don't have a man, you still have your dignity; but if you want to be OW, you don't have that man AND dignity.

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