oh the agony ... OW been caught and now her H knows

[chokeholdonmyheart]

Okay me: Male: Unhappily married, was already in the process of moving on. Decided that happiness was up to me and if I could not find it in the relationship, I need to move on. For everyones sake.

 

OW: Female: Unhappily married, has children. Tells me that she wants to leave her husband, but has not told him yet. Our stories and relationships are pretty much parallel. She lives in another country.

 

US: I met OW a short time ago during a medical conference in the US. We hit it off pretty well but respected boundaries (at first). As we learn more about each other we start to really fall for one another, pretty deep. At first I resist, but my whole philosophy about making myself happy comes into play. I think "why in the world should I deny a potential anything with a wonderful woman, if we are both already moving on in our hearts." When we see each other we only see the other person and nothing else matters. We become intimate and have no regrets. OW goes home, we both miss each other tremendously.

 

US Part dos: A few weeks later I go to her country for 2 days of work and decide to stay for another week to see if we still have this "connection". I'm not looking for sex, but more or less to test the bond we seemed to have and to know if she and I could become something worth the investment. Because there are many things we both have to do to eventually be together. We want to keep things pretty secretive until we got past our current relationships, as painless as possible. We are sure that we want to be together, but we want to not hurt anyone in the process. So I'm sure the time will be a test.

 

So she picks me up from the airport, takes me to lunch, to the hotel and that's that. She goes home. We tell each other we will hang out, we have agreed to spend time together soon. The next day ... she comes over to the hotel and tells me that she wants me. I don't resist. And its hot and heavy. No time later her husband messages her and says "I'm at the hotel, I know you are here." The room phone rings off the hook and you can hear her husband in the courtyard. We ignore it and it finally hits us: We realize that there is a whole world of people that this can affect even if we were blind to it and only saw each other.

 

She goes home. Denies everything, but from what he said to her he knows everything. He screams. She cries. And everyone is hurt.

 

So now after all of this, I still don't regret anything. We both feel guilty (not for having done it) but for the pain we caused everyone else, and now ourselves. She still denies it to him, but he still yells at her. She wants to tell him and make him the truth leave her alone. I say that she has to deny it for the sake of what will/can happen to the children.

 

I am very worried for her and saddened that she is now in agony over this.

 

Yeah, we both screwed up. But we've never done anything like this before and are first timers.

 

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

 

Any good threads to read that can help me not feel so bad? Or should I just kill myself and get it over with?

[chokeholdonmyheart]

If I could change one thing, it would be that I would have liked both of us to have moved on already before this started, but one can't control feelings and emotion.

 

Maybe we were both longing for the attention we found in each other and that made us more naive than we normally are.

 

I have woman approach me all the time, but none ever made me feel the way I feel about her. I have been able to resist ever cheating my entire life up until now. Just this one time I felt it was something I needed to do.

[TogetherForever]

If I could change one thing, it would be that I would have liked both of us to have moved on already before this started, but one can't control feelings and emotion.

 

Maybe we were both longing for the attention we found in each other and that made us more naive than we normally are.

 

I have woman approach me all the time, but none ever made me feel the way I feel about her. I have been able to resist ever cheating my entire life up until now. Just this one time I felt it was something I needed to do.

 

 

((((((((ChokeHold)))))))))))

Cyber hugs to you!! And if it's meant to be.............

[FavoriteHeadache]

Okay me: Male: Unhappily married, was already in the process of moving on. Decided that happiness was up to me and if I could not find it in the relationship, I need to move on. For everyones sake.

 

OW: Female: Unhappily married, has children. Tells me that she wants to leave her husband, but has not told him yet. Our stories and relationships are pretty much parallel. She lives in another country.

 

US: I met OW a short time ago during a medical conference in the US. We hit it off pretty well but respected boundaries (at first). As we learn more about each other we start to really fall for one another, pretty deep. At first I resist, but my whole philosophy about making myself happy comes into play. I think "why in the world should I deny a potential anything with a wonderful woman, if we are both already moving on in our hearts." When we see each other we only see the other person and nothing else matters. We become intimate and have no regrets. OW goes home, we both miss each other tremendously.

 

US Part dos: A few weeks later I go to her country for 2 days of work and decide to stay for another week to see if we still have this "connection". I'm not looking for sex, but more or less to test the bond we seemed to have and to know if she and I could become something worth the investment. Because there are many things we both have to do to eventually be together. We want to keep things pretty secretive until we got past our current relationships, as painless as possible. We are sure that we want to be together, but we want to not hurt anyone in the process. So I'm sure the time will be a test.

 

So she picks me up from the airport, takes me to lunch, to the hotel and that's that. She goes home. We tell each other we will hang out, we have agreed to spend time together soon. The next day ... she comes over to the hotel and tells me that she wants me. I don't resist. And its hot and heavy. No time later her husband messages her and says "I'm at the hotel, I know you are here." The room phone rings off the hook and you can hear her husband in the courtyard. We ignore it and it finally hits us: We realize that there is a whole world of people that this can affect even if we were blind to it and only saw each other.

 

She goes home. Denies everything, but from what he said to her he knows everything. He screams. She cries. And everyone is hurt.

 

So now after all of this, I still don't regret anything. We both feel guilty (not for having done it) but for the pain we caused everyone else, and now ourselves. She still denies it to him, but he still yells at her. She wants to tell him and make him the truth leave her alone. I say that she has to deny it for the sake of what will/can happen to the children.

 

I am very worried for her and saddened that she is now in agony over this.

 

Yeah, we both screwed up. But we've never done anything like this before and are first timers.

 

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

 

Any good threads to read that can help me not feel so bad? Or should I just kill myself and get it over with?

 

What the hell else can you do but move on and keep going? What is occuring in her life is not your fault but her fault. Worry about YOU. That's not selfishness it's reality. She knew what she was doing and is a grown woman. Simply keep going.

My story is similar to yours. I can understand why it happened. I'm not proud that I have had an "A" but it happened. What can I do now but keep going?

[chokeholdonmyheart]

What the hell else can you do but move on and keep going? What is occuring in her life is not your fault but her fault. Worry about YOU. That's not selfishness it's reality. She knew what she was doing and is a grown woman. Simply keep going.

My story is similar to yours. I can understand why it happened. I'm not proud that I have had an "A" but it happened. What can I do now but keep going?

 

 

I hear what you are saying, but man I just don't think I can let go of this OW that easily. One day we were just talking and then a few days later it hit me like a ton of bricks I was head over heals. And I am sure she feels the same. Besides I feel like I started something that I cannot just abandon. If there was ever a mutual admiration society, this would be it. She is a well respected physician in her community, but her H is too.

 

She assures me that she has no feelings for her H, and that she is in a way glad that we were caught. So "it will be easier for him to move on," and for her to do what she's been wanting to do.

[chokeholdonmyheart]

((((((((ChokeHold)))))))))))

Cyber hugs to you!! And if it's meant to be.............

 

 

Thanks for the hug, I think I needed it.

 

and if its meant to be...

 

I think it will be one of the biggest challenges in life with one of the best rewards if we survive this, the distance, our own personal lives, and eventually find each other in the same country, find work, and .... Damn that's a ton of obstacles... and thats just the surface. I've even considered turning in my US citizenship for this girl (she is that great). Hell, I don't want to be president anyway.

 

For the record I have dated some remarkable woman before I maried: Models, actresses, business owners... but they could not touch her if they had the Millinium Falcon and every ****in jedi fighter even conceived.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I hear what you are saying, but man I just don't think I can let go of this OW that easily. One day we were just talking and then a few days later it hit me like a ton of bricks I was head over heals. And I am sure she feels the same. Besides I feel like I started something that I cannot just abandon. If there was ever a mutual admiration society, this would be it. She is a well respected physician in her community, but her H is too.

 

She assures me that she has no feelings for her H, and that she is in a way glad that we were caught. So "it will be easier for him to move on," and for her to do what she's been wanting to do.

 

 

Then good luck to you guys (I guess). Are you seriously considering hooking up with her permanently? Is that what you're saying?

[chokeholdonmyheart]

Then good luck to you guys (I guess). Are you seriously considering hooking up with her permanently? Is that what you're saying?

 

Yeah. And to boot I'd probably kick anyone else in the ass for thinking like this. Its freakin unheard of.

 

I feel like I've been brainwashed, but then again I don't care.

[NoIDidn't]

I feel like I've been brainwashed, but then again I don't care.

 

 

Uh-oh. Its the dreaded "fog"!!!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Yeah. And to boot I'd probably kick anyone else in the ass for thinking like this. Its freakin unheard of.

 

I feel like I've been brainwashed, but then again I don't care.

 

Women are truly a powerful force man! Think this through! I have known way too many guys that have done what you are considering only to have it completely backfire on them. Just be damned sure and try not to let emotion rule completely. I think it is very rare to have something like this actually work in the long run. You better take some time and really examine this.

[chokeholdonmyheart]

Women are truly a powerful force man! Think this through! I have known way too many guys that have done what you are considering only to have it completely backfire on them. Just be damned sure and try not to let emotion rule completely. I think it is very rare to have something like this actually work in the long run. You better take some time and really examine this.

 

yeah i am trying to examine it. things have moved faster than i have ever wanted and thought were possible.

 

it would probably be so much easier if both (or one) of us were just out for pleasure and did not care to hurt the other and were just like... "i´m out."

 

I´ve never been that way and it is truely difficult to even pretend to be that way now.

[FavoriteHeadache]

yeah i am trying to examine it. things have moved faster than i have ever wanted and thought were possible.

 

it would probably be so much easier if both (or one) of us were just out for pleasure and did not care to hurt the other and were just like... "i´m out."

 

I´ve never been that way and it is truely difficult to even pretend to be that way now.

 

I hear ya.

Proceed with caution.

[whirlwinds_sister]

Can I just tell you to be very careful. My OM and also a MM who was supposedly on his way out too, in the end, could not go through with it. Like you we are seperated by a bit of distance(not much, but enough that we aren't active in the affair on a daily basis, at least not physically) and I think if you had any hopes with her, consider that may figure in significantly with whether she actually goes through with it because her H has far more influence on her then you can being so far away and as you can see here, even with no distance seperating, things often do not work in your favor.

 

That said, people weigh the benefits versus risks all the time. In my case, we were both on our way out(spouses even aware), but in the end he could not leave his children and just be a visitor in his life and I'm sure it was more then that, but here we sit over a year later, still talking and still pining to a great extent and as you said we have settled into this mutual adoration and admiration of each other with always this underlying tension that is not free to be realized. Like you we have regret for hurting each other, but no regret for what happened between us--that is a very difficult thing to navigate.I don't know, perhaps it is different, like a legitimate relationship ending when you know you were both seperated, started moving on, and one party changed their mind ie the seperations were not a result of the affair, they were happening prior to the relationship. I only call it an A at this point because seperated or not, we were both still married so essentially that's what it is and since he and I are both not interested in relegating each other to that kind of ongoing lifestyle, we call it that to keep our heads on straight as we move forward.

 

I feel for you. Genuine feelings develop and yes, time and distance test them, and the scary thing is sometimes you realize just how real they are/were when they stand that test of time and distance. Ending relationships are never easy, no matter the reason...but we certainly muddy the waters when we proceed because we are emotionally available even though legally we are not yet. Best course of action is to sever ties first and then move on. My OM and I are at the point that we can't predict the future. We have a very deep and close friendship that we work to keep on the level and do a good job of it. Our philosophy at this point, bothknowing our marriages are still pretty crappy, is that at some point either things will change or not and we both have acknowledged that if one of us should become single, we both will have to accept the idea that the single person will move forward into new relationships. We are not moving towards each other or planning a future or anything like that, but we both know the elephant in the room is that if we both end up single, we adore each other and would love to date legitimately. We both work hard to put that aside, but it is fact. I'm babbling; sorry everyone. Thinking out loud, apparently.

[Woggle]

Both of you dug your own hole and deserve all the hardship that goes along with it.

[chokeholdonmyheart]

Can I just tell you to be very careful. My OM and also a MM who was supposedly on his way out too, in the end, could not go through with it. Like you we are seperated by a bit of distance(not much, but enough that we aren't active in the affair on a daily basis, at least not physically) and I think if you had any hopes with her, consider that may figure in significantly with whether she actually goes through with it because her H has far more influence on her then you can being so far away and as you can see here, even with no distance seperating, things often do not work in your favor.

 

That said, people weigh the benefits versus risks all the time. In my case, we were both on our way out(spouses even aware), but in the end he could not leave his children and just be a visitor in his life and I'm sure it was more then that, but here we sit over a year later, still talking and still pining to a great extent and as you said we have settled into this mutual adoration and admiration of each other with always this underlying tension that is not free to be realized. Like you we have regret for hurting each other, but no regret for what happened between us--that is a very difficult thing to navigate.I don't know, perhaps it is different, like a legitimate relationship ending when you know you were both seperated, started moving on, and one party changed their mind ie the seperations were not a result of the affair, they were happening prior to the relationship. I only call it an A at this point because seperated or not, we were both still married so essentially that's what it is and since he and I are both not interested in relegating each other to that kind of ongoing lifestyle, we call it that to keep our heads on straight as we move forward.

 

I feel for you. Genuine feelings develop and yes, time and distance test them, and the scary thing is sometimes you realize just how real they are/were when they stand that test of time and distance. Ending relationships are never easy, no matter the reason...but we certainly muddy the waters when we proceed because we are emotionally available even though legally we are not yet. Best course of action is to sever ties first and then move on. My OM and I are at the point that we can't predict the future. We have a very deep and close friendship that we work to keep on the level and do a good job of it. Our philosophy at this point, bothknowing our marriages are still pretty crappy, is that at some point either things will change or not and we both have acknowledged that if one of us should become single, we both will have to accept the idea that the single person will move forward into new relationships. We are not moving towards each other or planning a future or anything like that, but we both know the elephant in the room is that if we both end up single, we adore each other and would love to date legitimately. We both work hard to put that aside, but it is fact. I'm babbling; sorry everyone. Thinking out loud, apparently.

 

whirlwinds, I appreciate all that you said. Don´t worry about the babbling, it helps me see things more clearly.

 

I think this is going to be a tough road to travel. I think the hardest part for each of us is that we are each well respected in our communities and everyone around us thinks we are in a perfect marriage. Maybe because we both have been pretending to those around us that we are okay with our W/H, when we are not. Be both have tried to fix things for years. And even though we didn´t think the affair would hurt us, we both have never done this before and have tremendous guilt, pain, and worry of the unknown. Mainly because we do not want to hurt anyone else, and often sacrifice our own needs for others.

 

For me, I will have to suffer the consquences and move on away from my wife regardless if this A turns into anything or it burns out. I started the process a while back and I have to finish it, even if I start to get weak or guilty, or lonley. She does not deserve to have this A in a relationship regardless if she knows or not. I would never want her to accept it and I would never feel right being there and hiding it from her. This does not mean I want to tell her about it and hurt her. She does not deserve that, even if we have grown apart and she often makes me feel unloved.

 

There are two things you cannot do: Stop feelings from developing. & Turn back time.

[chokeholdonmyheart]

Can I just tell you to be very careful. My OM and also a MM who was supposedly on his way out too, in the end, could not go through with it. Like you we are seperated by a bit of distance(not much, but enough that we aren't active in the affair on a daily basis, at least not physically) and I think if you had any hopes with her, consider that may figure in significantly with whether she actually goes through with it because her H has far more influence on her then you can being so far away and as you can see here, even with no distance seperating, things often do not work in your favor.

 

That said, people weigh the benefits versus risks all the time. In my case, we were both on our way out(spouses even aware), but in the end he could not leave his children and just be a visitor in his life and I'm sure it was more then that, but here we sit over a year later, still talking and still pining to a great extent and as you said we have settled into this mutual adoration and admiration of each other with always this underlying tension that is not free to be realized. Like you we have regret for hurting each other, but no regret for what happened between us--that is a very difficult thing to navigate.I don't know, perhaps it is different, like a legitimate relationship ending when you know you were both seperated, started moving on, and one party changed their mind ie the seperations were not a result of the affair, they were happening prior to the relationship. I only call it an A at this point because seperated or not, we were both still married so essentially that's what it is and since he and I are both not interested in relegating each other to that kind of ongoing lifestyle, we call it that to keep our heads on straight as we move forward.

 

I feel for you. Genuine feelings develop and yes, time and distance test them, and the scary thing is sometimes you realize just how real they are/were when they stand that test of time and distance. Ending relationships are never easy, no matter the reason...but we certainly muddy the waters when we proceed because we are emotionally available even though legally we are not yet. Best course of action is to sever ties first and then move on. My OM and I are at the point that we can't predict the future. We have a very deep and close friendship that we work to keep on the level and do a good job of it. Our philosophy at this point, bothknowing our marriages are still pretty crappy, is that at some point either things will change or not and we both have acknowledged that if one of us should become single, we both will have to accept the idea that the single person will move forward into new relationships. We are not moving towards each other or planning a future or anything like that, but we both know the elephant in the room is that if we both end up single, we adore each other and would love to date legitimately. We both work hard to put that aside, but it is fact. I'm babbling; sorry everyone. Thinking out loud, apparently.

 

So this mess is a mess for sure. Ive fallen head over heals for this girl and id love to be with her, but she asked me to wait 18 months so she can take care of a few things before she moves on. Shes obviously not as ready as she says or thought, because as someone said earlier, her husband has a whole lot more influence than i do (LD). He always seems to "surprise her" when we chat or talk.

 

And come to find out, her relationship wasn't all that rocky right before we met. Her husband and her were affectionate, but she claimed they were not. So here i sit, trying to figure out the best way to cut ties and move on. Besides I need to build up the courage to stay away and ignore her SMS, email and calls. I'll miss her, but its almost evident that i will suffer at one point or another. Sad thing is that I will have to cross paths with her in a few months and thats going to be awkward.

 

So I sit here with two pills, one to keep going with the agony of not knowing what will be and how it will be or one to sever all ties and move on. There are other options, but no one is worth that!

 

Where are the good threads on coping, severing ties, recovery, etc.

[whichwayisup]

Go to the coping section and read No Foolin's thread on this. I"ll try to find you the link.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

It's long, (others have added to it) but the basics are put out there by NF.

 

Hope you feel better.

[bish]

No time later her husband messages her and says "I'm at the hotel, I know you are here." The room phone rings off the hook and you can hear her husband in the courtyard. We ignore it and it finally hits us: We realize that there is a whole world of people that this can affect even if we were blind to it and only saw each other.

 

She goes home. Denies everything, but from what he said to her he knows everything. He screams. She cries. And everyone is hurt.

 

Hey, as long as you got your piece of ass, what do you care?

 

So now after all of this, I still don't regret anything.

 

Hence the prior statement of mine. Too bad the husband didn't come to the room and kick the door in.

 

We both feel guilty (not for having done it) but for the pain we caused everyone else, and now ourselves. She still denies it to him, but he still yells at her. She wants to tell him and make him the truth leave her alone. I say that she has to deny it for the sake of what will/can happen to the children.

 

No, she needs to divorce him and give him custody of the children because after all, she was the one that f#cked around. He shouldn't be denied his children because she is a cheater.

 

I am very worried for her and saddened that she is now in agony over this.

 

Well, I hate to say it, but tough shi!t. Should have thought about that before wanting to stick your wick in a married woman.

 

And to say nothing of what you did to your wife.

 

Yeah, we both screwed up. But we've never done anything like this before and are first timers.

 

Oh I have no doubt it will not be your last either.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

 

Yes, grow up. And cease to be married if you can't handle marriage.

 

Any good threads to read that can help me not feel so bad? Or should I just kill myself and get it over with?

 

Now why in the hell would you say that? You already said you don't regret it....so why the hell with this guilt trip statement?

[TogetherForever]

Why is it such agony to have the wife find out about the affair?

Wouldn't someone want it to be known rather than hidden?

Why would you want to stay hidden?