She dumped him, now all I have is crumbs

[silent_cadence]

I was and I guess I am still an ow. Long story short is this,

mm and I had a dday with his wife finding out about us not so long ago. She told him he needed to leave their home until he ended things with me. I never thought he'd do that, but he may as well have with the way things have been going.

 

Used to be, he and I were a pretty hot item, it was an intensely sexual and emotional relationship, once upon a time.

Now, I'm lucky if I even get ten minutes with him, without him moaning about his estranged wife.

 

He told me what happened between he and I should never have happened, that he regrets our affair and wants that part to end.

He does however, still want to talk and to have a platonic friendship.

I'm like WTF??

He takes all the blame for our affair, but I too, am to blame because I am also married but had planned on leaving my H for the MM.

 

He says he loves his wife and that he hopes that she will take him back, she's the only woman he's ever really loved and that he hates it that he has hurt her so badly. You cannot imagine how that felt to me when he said that, because of what he told me when our A first began. Our sexual relationship has ceased, immediately upon dday.

 

In the meantime, I'm dealing with all of the fall out of this whole thing.

He told me earlier in our A that his wife was hateful, didn't want his kids and treated him and them like crap. That she was sexually cold and never wanted anything to do with him in bed that he had to beg, which was why I thought was the reason he wanted me. He never once told me any different, I found out the hard way that they were still having sex and were a very affectionate couple. I have a friend who works with MM but does not know about us and that is how I hear everything about MM, and why I no longer trust his words, to my horror just a few days ago, I found out that MM's W is pregnant with their first child, I feel responsible for their marriage breaking up, even though they've not divorced.

 

My husband has a suspicion about my A with the MM only he doesn't have proof, and now I'm wondering if I should go no contact with the MM because he clearly doesn't want me in the way he used to and it hurts so much. But I have a huge problem.

 

My MM's wife knows my name, knows where I live and that I'm also married and she's threatening to tell my husband which would be easy for her to do. I'm terrified that this will happen and I'm thinking about coming clean to my H just in case she tells him about me and her H. Are there any thoughts on this? This was my first and last affair, I've learned my lesson the hard way and now I may pay dearly for it in the long run, I hope you won't flame me for what I've done, I never intended to hurt anyone, I just wanted some affection and attention which my H at the time wasn't giving me though I did try to talk to him and get him to see this. It's a big mess!

 

I should have never even looked at a married man, should have never betrayed my marriage no matter how much affection I was missing.

I do think she's going to tell my husband and it scares me. But most of all, not only have I lost the mm but I may well lose my h too.

 

I hope someone out there has some advice, I do need it and I'm so sorry for all of the bad things I've done, the lies I've told and for the affair. I'm going to cut the mm out of my life completely no matter how much it hurts me, and it will hurt me because part of me did fall in love with him.

 

I would like for his wife to forgive me and to forget this ever happened but looking at the situation, if I were her, I'd hate me and I'd be doing everything I could to hurt me as much as I've hurt her. I'm going to tell MM to get back together with her if she can forgive him and to leave me alone. I'm just very regretful and very scared. What do you all think?

[Babybird]

Here is a typical story here on LS. As much as I hate to admit it, most of the postings here warn of MM doing these things and most of the time they turn out to be right. It must be awful what you are going through right now.

 

So a couple of questions for you.

 

You said you were planning on leaving your H for MM...so why not leave him now?

 

Is the only reason you were going to leave was because of MM or are you planning on trying to fix the M?

 

On telling your H...many will say tell him. I disagree, but only if you are going to leave him anyways. If you want to salvage whats left of you M then tell him and hope that he doesn't throw you out.

 

About MM...it sucks but from the little bit that I just read it sounds like you yourself busted him in his own lies. No sex...how'd she get pregnant? He doesn't love her...he is obviously upset about the break-up.

 

Don't take all the blame for their M breaking up. He made a decision to have an A and right there it's him breaking up his own M.

[silent_cadence]

Honestly, looking at the whole thing, I feel like I owe my husband an apology and the truth, I was so not understanding with him when he was preoccupied with work and not with me. I was selfish, and I would like to work out our M but unless I tell the truth I don't think we even have a snowballs chance. I was going to leave the h for the mm, but I think I was blinded by emotions that weren't true, it was so flattering to have someone who told me I was beautiful and would do so many of the little things that my h had stopped doing at that time. My MM lied so much that now its even impossible for me to see what was truth and what was a lie, except for the obvious, he lied about sex with his W, who is now pregnant and going through all of this because of what we did. I'm just devastated in so many ways, for me and my marriage, him and hers, although I understand that she is starting to see him a little bit now. If I were her I'd be scared to death of getting back with him and fearing that he would do the same thing all over again, but I'd also be afraid of raising a child alone, let alone trying to explain to that child later on why mommy isn't with daddy. Maybe I should call and try to talk to her woman to woman to let her know just how very sorry I am. I was not raised like this. I don't know why I ever did it. My conscience is bothering me badly, I can't sleep, can't eat and I can't imagine what the W is going through. I hope MM realizes that he can't just play with peoples lives like this. If my husband forgives me if I decide to tell him, which I think I should, I will never, ever stray again and I will treat him the way I should have been doing in the first place. Pray for me.

[scaredinlove]

 

 

Don't take all the blame for their M breaking up. He made a decision to have an A and right there it's him breaking up his own M.

 

 

I agree a 100% you didn't put a gun on his head and said have a A, he chose it and for what you said he lied to you a lot.

 

My story is a littl similar to yours but my MM dosen't blame him for hurting his W, they are still together but not happy...

 

Anyway she probably will contact your H, mine MM's did, she send letters, left messages in the phone and a whole crap. I told my exH before she did, not sure if you should do it, but I know the the anxiety you are going thru now.

In my case I wasn't happy and I wanted to end the marriage so I just told him tought I could work things but they didn't, I don't regret.

 

Be ready for a wild ride if yiu want read thru my posts. Sorry your MM treated you the way he did.

 

My at least tells me he loves me, he was cold and tryed to end the sexual part too but we never did..

 

Sorry for what you are going thru, maybe if you can ( i know it is hard) you should cut all contact with MM.

 

As for your H, you can either not tell him and wait to see what happens or tell him and be prepared for a very strong reaction.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[scaredinlove]

Honestly, looking at the whole thing, I feel like I owe my husband an apology and the truth, I was so not understanding with him when he was preoccupied with work and not with me. I was selfish, and I would like to work out our M but unless I tell the truth I don't think we even have a snowballs chance. I was going to leave the h for the mm, but I think I was blinded by emotions that weren't true, it was so flattering to have someone who told me I was beautiful and would do so many of the little things that my h had stopped doing at that time. My MM lied so much that now its even impossible for me to see what was truth and what was a lie, except for the obvious, he lied about sex with his W, who is now pregnant and going through all of this because of what we did. I'm just devastated in so many ways, for me and my marriage, him and hers, although I understand that she is starting to see him a little bit now. If I were her I'd be scared to death of getting back with him and fearing that he would do the same thing all over again, but I'd also be afraid of raising a child alone, let alone trying to explain to that child later on why mommy isn't with daddy. Maybe I should call and try to talk to her woman to woman to let her know just how very sorry I am. I was not raised like this. I don't know why I ever did it. My conscience is bothering me badly, I can't sleep, can't eat and I can't imagine what the W is going through. I hope MM realizes that he can't just play with peoples lives like this. If my husband forgives me if I decide to tell him, which I think I should, I will never, ever stray again and I will treat him the way I should have been doing in the first place. Pray for me.

 

 

Silence guilty trip wont help you. Don't take all the blame.People make mistakes all the time.Keep yourself strong to fight for your life back.

 

Forget about him and hiw wife, concentrat on your Marriage.

Good Luck.

[Sheba]

I will say a prayer for you gladly and sincerely, if you will turn your thoughts completely from that man and his wife to your own husband and marriage.

 

You see, from your title and the first parts of your initial post, it seems to me that you are most upset that he has dumped you. I believe that all of the other things that are troubling you are secondary to the real loss: the loss of your love affair.

 

I think that you will be able to move on and to be true to your heart's wish to be a good wife to your husband and to not end up in this situation again if you will stop mourning the loss of the MM, stop being his friend, stop thinking about him or his wife.

 

Go to your husband and tell him the truth and ask his forgiveness and hope that he will give it. Tell him quickly, before she does. The "tell or not" decision appears out of your hands, so don't let things get more messed up by having your husband hear this from the MM's wife.

[silent_cadence]

That's what I plan on doing, keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm going to need it.

[silent_cadence]

I'm not really that upset that he dumped me, however, yes, it does hurt, I'm more upset though because I was stupid enough to believe him about all the things he said about his M. I have decided that I'm going to tell the truth to my H and take it from there, I'm going to beg him to forgive me and I think marriage counceling would be a good step. What I am mourning here is the loss of the innocence I once had and the trust of my husband, which hopefully, I can rebuild. Thanks for your prayers.

[Lizzie60]

completely stop seeing this MM... I would forget about him and concentrate on my marriage...BUT I would NEVER EVER tell my husband...you might as well pack your things if you do... you will destroy what you are trying to work out.

 

Just forget the whole thing... move on ... keep your dark secret for yourself... don't hurt your husband and your children... this MM is not worth destroying YOUR family.

[silent_cadence]

completely stop seeing this MM... I would forget about him and concentrate on my marriage...BUT I would NEVER EVER tell my husband...you might as well pack your things if you do... you will destroy what you are trying to work out.

 

Just forget the whole thing... move on ... keep your dark secret for yourself... don't hurt your husband and your children... this MM is not worth destroying YOUR family.

Lizzie, I don't have any children. My H and I can't have kids. I need to come clean with my husband, without the truth I can't make this work. I made a horrible mistake and I need to know that I don't have to hide anything anymore. I feel it's better if I tell my H than MM's wife. If I have to pack my bags, so be it, it's no more than I deserve at this point but I have to be honest, I'm sick to death of the lying and the sneaking.

[sadbuttrue]

i think you are right to tell your husband. if you dont, it will hang over your head for the rest of your life and you will always be looking over your shoulder expecting to see MM's W at any moment.

 

i hope you and your husband are able to work things out. i know it will be difficult.

[PoshPrincess]

i think you are right to tell your husband. if you dont, it will hang over your head for the rest of your life and you will always be looking over your shoulder expecting to see MM's W at any moment.

 

SadbutTrue, I see what you're saying here but the way I see it (and I am speaking from experience) is that you shouldn't tell just to ease your own guilt. Why should Silence hurt her H because she can't cope with what she has done. I am not saying that IS your reason, Silence, but think carefully before you do it.

 

Whatever do you, you must do yourself a BIG favour and cut all contact with MM. If you don't, his BW will be SURE to tell your husband. At least he has been straight with you now in that he loves his W and wants to work at his M. You are going to need to do the same. You say you realise that you were looking for some attention, that MM was a diversion from your problems. I did the same, and although I realised my SO wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I also eventually realised the same of the OM I was seeing. V unfair on him but it certainly clarified a few things in my head.

 

It sounds like you really want to make things work with your hubsand. Don't confess simply out of guilt but if you really feel it will make a difference to the recovery of your M then do whatever you have to do to make things work. I have been in both positions. I had a very minor indiscretion with an OM very early on in my R with my SO and confessed, mainly because I felt so guilty, but also because I felt I had tainted our R and wanted a clean slate. It hurt him beyond belief and was SO trivial that I realise I should have just kept quiet. Years later when I had a fling, that is exactly what I did - I kept it to myself. Although I am no longer with SO I still feel guilty but I am glad I never confessed and he has never found out because I know it would have hurt him more than anything. It was bad enough that I decided to leave him but for him to have known that I was involved with this OP would have been even more of a kick in the teeth. We have a child together so it would have made things even more complicated than ever.

 

Whatever you decide I hope everything works out for you. You never know, this may make your M stronger than ever. Have counselling; do whatever it takes if you are really serious about making things work with your H/ You WILL get over what's happened. You live and learn, as they say. I know I have.

[scaredinlove]

i think you are right to tell your husband. if you dont, it will hang over your head for the rest of your life and you will always be looking over your shoulder expecting to see MM's W at any moment.

 

SadbutTrue, I see what you're saying here but the way I see it (and I am speaking from experience) is that you shouldn't tell just to ease your own guilt. Why should Silence hurt her H because she can't cope with what she has done. I am not saying that IS your reason, Silence, but think carefully before you do it.

 

Whatever do you, you must do yourself a BIG favour and cut all contact with MM. If you don't, his BW will be SURE to tell your husband. At least he has been straight with you now in that he loves his W and wants to work at his M. You are going to need to do the same. You say you realise that you were looking for some attention, that MM was a diversion from your problems. I did the same, and although I realised my SO wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I also eventually realised the same of the OM I was seeing. V unfair on him but it certainly clarified a few things in my head.

 

It sounds like you really want to make things work with your hubsand. Don't confess simply out of guilt but if you really feel it will make a difference to the recovery of your M then do whatever you have to do to make things work. I have been in both positions. I had a very minor indiscretion with an OM very early on in my R with my SO and confessed, mainly because I felt so guilty, but also because I felt I had tainted our R and wanted a clean slate. It hurt him beyond belief and was SO trivial that I realise I should have just kept quiet. Years later when I had a fling, that is exactly what I did - I kept it to myself. Although I am no longer with SO I still feel guilty but I am glad I never confessed and he has never found out because I know it would have hurt him more than anything. It was bad enough that I decided to leave him but for him to have known that I was involved with this OP would have been even more of a kick in the teeth. We have a child together so it would have made things even more complicated than ever.

 

Whatever you decide I hope everything works out for you. You never know, this may make your M stronger than ever. Have counselling; do whatever it takes if you are really serious about making things work with your H/ You WILL get over what's happened. You live and learn, as they say. I know I have.

 

 

 

I agree with not confessing to ease your guilt, you have no idea of his reaction. I was in shock with my exH, after 2 weeks of completly hell I had to have him removed from our home by the police because I feared for my safety, I remember hidding sharp knives or objects that could serve as a weapon. Serously, maybe you should go counceling first and than tell him during the marital counceling with the other person there to help you. i don't mean to say that your H will go nuts like mine, but the pain he will go thru is unlike anything you had seen in your life.

I was reading in a phychology magazine and they ( the doctors) don't think confessingis the righjt thing to do anymore. The pain this people go thru is something else.

 

If you going to do it be tactfull. Don't do like me, I just went to him and said "I been cheating on you for 4 yrs!" stupid me, but I was desperated and thought completely honesty would be the better. I learned my lesson, that is for sure.

 

Good luck !

[Cobra_X30]

scared,

 

You and your H must have been some pair. I am not sure that you should use this as a yardstick for measuring anything normal. Dont take advice from psychologists at face value, it wasnt too long ago they were telling us Cocaine could fix all our mental problems. Thier scientific techniques have not really changed much since then.

[silent_cadence]

I'm not telling to ease my guilt. I'm doing it because at this point I feel honesty even though it is hurtful and risky is the only way to start out clean and to stay clean. After all it was lies and impetous action that got me where I am now, and I don't want a life on what I feel would be based on lies. It must be complete honesty without the Jerry Springer drama.

[Sheba]

I am not sure that the betrayer should tell in every case. My inner jury is out on that. I think that silent cadence should tell because she is living under the threat that her husband will hear from someone else: the other man's wife.

 

I think silent cadence owes it to her husband to protect him from getting this information from someone other than her.

[PoshPrincess]

I am not sure that the betrayer should tell in every case. My inner jury is out on that. I think that silent cadence should tell because she is living under the threat that her husband will hear from someone else: the other man's wife.

 

I think silent cadence owes it to her husband to protect him from getting this information from someone other than her.

 

Well said, Sheba. You've definitely got a good point there. Nothing could be worse than hearing it from someone else.

[Cobra_X30]

Silent,

 

Before you put a bunch of work into your M, do you really want it to work? If you wanted out of the M before, why do you want to stay now? It seems very fickle. I'm not sure what your beliefs on love are, but it seems to me that if you really love your Husband you would make the choice that is best for him.

[frygirl]

I am on the side of those that think you shouldn't tell, at leats not now. Confessing your sins may make it easier for you to move forward but I am going to put this bluntly IT WILL DESTROY YOUR H. It is going to hurt him in ways that will be devistating.

 

Don't tell him to make it easier for you. That would be just as selfish as the A itself.

 

I am a strong believer in honesty in every part of marriage, but in this situation I think he is better off not knowing. Don't crush him to assuage your guilt.

[silent_cadence]

I am not sure that the betrayer should tell in every case. My inner jury is out on that. I think that silent cadence should tell because she is living under the threat that her husband will hear from someone else: the other man's wife.

 

I think silent cadence owes it to her husband to protect him from getting this information from someone other than her.

 

Yes, I feel that it is my responsibility to own up to what I did, and maybe then we can go forward. I know he may leave me but I have to be honest with him.

[silent_cadence]

I am on the side of those that think you shouldn't tell, at leats not now. Confessing your sins may make it easier for you to move forward but I am going to put this bluntly IT WILL DESTROY YOUR H. It is going to hurt him in ways that will be devistating.

 

Don't tell him to make it easier for you. That would be just as selfish as the A itself.

 

I am a strong believer in honesty in every part of marriage, but in this situation I think he is better off not knowing. Don't crush him to assuage your guilt.

 

I'm not telling him to make it easier on me, if anything it will make it harder, I'm not crushing him to assuage the guilt. I'm telling him so that he can make an informed decision on whether or not he wants us to stay together or whether or not he wants to break up or at the very least have some time apart in which to make his decision. If it were me in his position I would want to know.

[silent_cadence]

Silent,

 

Before you put a bunch of work into your M, do you really want it to work? If you wanted out of the M before, why do you want to stay now? It seems very fickle. I'm not sure what your beliefs on love are, but it seems to me that if you really love your Husband you would make the choice that is best for him.

 

Yes, I do want it to work. I am seeing alot of things that I didn't see prior to the affair. I had a bad lapse in my decision making when I was vunerable and I do feel that MM took advantage of that, which is something I didn't see up till now. I realize now, that it is my husband who loves me and whom I love. I am trying to make the best choice, and I really feel that I owe it to him to be completely honest so that he can make an informed decision about us without any lies in the way, if I don't tell now, it will be like me keeping the lie alive by not telling. Sin by omission, so to speak, and that wouldn't be right because I owe him that truth. Does that make sense?

[scaredinlove]

scared,

 

You and your H must have been some pair. I am not sure that you should use this as a yardstick for measuring anything normal. Dont take advice from psychologists at face value, it wasnt too long ago they were telling us Cocaine could fix all our mental problems. Thier scientific techniques have not really changed much since then.

 

 

Yeah we have been some pair:laugh:I laugh now but is wasn't easy. MM's W reaction hasn't been much diffrent either....

[frygirl]

I'm not telling him to make it easier on me, if anything it will make it harder, I'm not crushing him to assuage the guilt. I'm telling him so that he can make an informed decision on whether or not he wants us to stay together or whether or not he wants to break up or at the very least have some time apart in which to make his decision. If it were me in his position I would want to know.

 

You're telling him so he can decide if he wants to dump you? Sounds like you want him to leave you then. By all means go ahead and do it.

 

You seem to be trying to make it sound like you have nothing but the best of intentions but I don't see that. I think your motivations are very selfish.

 

As long as you don't care what yoru confessing will do to him, than go ahead and rip his heart and soul to shreds. Becasue that is exactly what you are about to do to him. If you think telling him will make you feel less guilty than you are sooooooo wrong. The guilt you will feel once you realize how you have completely detroyed some one you love is something that never goes away.

 

You do have a choice here.

[silent_cadence]

You're telling him so he can decide if he wants to dump you? Sounds like you want him to leave you then. By all means go ahead and do it.

 

You seem to be trying to make it sound like you have nothing but the best of intentions but I don't see that. I think your motivations are very selfish.

 

As long as you don't care what yoru confessing will do to him, than go ahead and rip his heart and soul to shreds. Becasue that is exactly what you are about to do to him. If you think telling him will make you feel less guilty than you are sooooooo wrong. The guilt you will feel once you realize how you have completely detroyed some one you love is something that never goes away.

 

You do have a choice here.

 

No, I don't want to be dumped. I simply don't want this lie hanging over our heads the rest of our lives together if he decides to stay. That in no way is fair to him. I owe it to him to give him the truth. I do care what it will do to him, but finding out later on at some part and knowing that I wasn't honest with him and didn't tell him would be far more of a shock and hurt him worse than me fessing up. It isn't selfish. He is the kind of man who can appreciate the fact that I'm coming to him and telling him the truth rather than him finding it out somewhere else later on. I know how its going to affect him and I'm ready to take responsibility for my actions. My husband has always been honesty first, feelings later. If he does dump me it will hurt me to the core, but it's something I have to accept if that is what he chooses.