rambling...

[mineymoe]

The guy I am seeing, was not happy about me spending time with the new guy (we've been dating about two months) this weekend he didn't tell me not to, he has never said not to go out with other guys and acts more like a big brother and we will talk about this one or that one and he usually gives me good advice about them.

I posted before that although we have been involved for about 2 years now, we have just recently said we love each other. We are both pretty close mouthed when it come to talking about how we feel but we have started talking about if we were togther and overall getting more frustrated with things they way they are.

Over the weekend his ex W went on some crazy fit over the affair he had 5/6 years ago (again) He has talked about it in depth to me and I know he really had strong feeling for this woman even though she ultimately played him, interfered with his seeing his kids etc. I know it still hurts from time to time. But I think he truly regrets what it did to his family and given the chance to re do it all, he wouldn't have had the A. I do love this man as a person and I think he is starting to understand that and feel okay opening up. I don't think he ever has felt he could just talk and not have someone flip out on him. My position is, we're all human.

Anyway he said he felt like dying. I asked him if he felt he didn't have choices. (Thanks Nora) I told him I thought it would be best if he got some type of counseling, or left home for awhile just to try to clear his head,even giving her an ultimatum of counseling or something or he'd leave. that he went back to his ex wife to work on things but he has been involved with me the whole time and she too is obviously not interested in letting go and moving forward. Her plan is for him to leave as soon as the youngest turns 18. She refuses to go to any type of counseling and does not see her part in any of it. She is the ultimate victim and very happily miserable that way.

Anyway...after we had a pretty good talk about all that, I sent him an e mail later in the day. I worry about him and I know he is depressed and confused so I just wanted to let him know I was thinking about him...he wrote back that he felt worse about me going out with the new guy then his living situation.

So we talked on the phone and I was like look if you really don't want me to see him then tell me and I won't. I don't care that much about the other guy and I don't want that to get in between us.

He said he couldn't tell me that that it would be wrong and selfish for him to say that. I was like if this is how you feel then maybe you' d be happier if you started paying more attention to your feelings. I said if you don't want me to see him anymore then tell me.

He told me he doesn't want me to see any other guys but him. And I said i wouldn't.

Now I feel kinda stupid. And kinda trapped. On the other hand i don't have tons of time on my hands..and given time or choice i'd spend time with him anytime, anywhere no other guy has come close to that. And I guess if things are getting closer between us and they have been then this would be part of the natural progression. I want more though from him. So I guess this could also be us getting closer to the end.

Does this type of thing ever work out?

[whichwayisup]

So you're not allowed to see any other guys, yet he is at home, with his wife, pretending to fix their marriage?

 

Look, if you want to see if he will leave his wife, END it with him NOW. Go full on NO CONTACT, tell him to call you when he's divorced, then you two can date and build a relationship. Right now he isn't going to DO anything as he has TWO women in his life. Sure, things may not be great at home, but he WILL do what it takes to keep his wife happier so life won't change for HIM. Same goes for you.

 

Don't believe every word he tells you about his marriage. Take a step back, read some posts by OW in this section, you'll notice that many MM say more or less the same thing your MM has said to you.

 

And, even if their marriage were to actually end, he'll need time alone to cope with the loss of their marriage, make custody arrangements, sell the house, finances...It will be a mess either way. AND, fact that he cheated on his wife, had children with her, said vows to her, what makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you at some point in the future?

 

Take time to figure out what it is you actually want. And, stop being his therapist. He can talk to a buddy or family member about that stuff, not you.

[mineymoe]

He is divorced and has been for over 5 years. I have seen the court records. Not that I didn't believe but we were looking at public records online, checking out a guy I was dating and I looked him up anyway.

I am not trying to be his therapist but we are friends and he means alot to me.

I am not trying to make him leave his ex wife. I do understand where he is coming from. My ex fiance was holding our newborn son and i noticed he reeked of perfume, he turned out to be engaged to not only me but another woman. we stayed together for almost 4 years for the sake of our child and i realized it wasn't really benefitting our child. I have not built my own life around him, and I have no intention of currently ending my relationship with him. I want more, I think but I am not suffering or in a lot of pain or heartache right now.

I have read other posts and have read so much heartache and pain. I am not nieve enough to say that I couldn't join the ranks, or that our relationship would work out.

I just wonder for those that it has worked out for, how did it go about?

I think I hit a point where I could say if you want me then leave her but I don't want to try to force him. We really don't have a bad thing right now.

Confusing, yes which is why I am here....

As I said also this has been a recent change. If I were to turn around and say I am not really comfortable not seeing other guys then i guess that would be a point where we'd probably go our seperate ways. Right now i am pretty content in our little private world.

Thank you though for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I really appreciate it.

[scaredinlove]

He is divorced and has been for over 5 years. I have seen the court records. Not that I didn't believe but we were looking at public records online, checking out a guy I was dating and I looked him up anyway.

I am not trying to be his therapist but we are friends and he means alot to me.

I am not trying to make him leave his ex wife. I do understand where he is coming from. My ex fiance was holding our newborn son and i noticed he reeked of perfume, he turned out to be engaged to not only me but another woman. we stayed together for almost 4 years for the sake of our child and i realized it wasn't really benefitting our child. I have not built my own life around him, and I have no intention of currently ending my relationship with him. I want more, I think but I am not suffering or in a lot of pain or heartache right now.

I have read other posts and have read so much heartache and pain. I am not nieve enough to say that I couldn't join the ranks, or that our relationship would work out.

I just wonder for those that it has worked out for, how did it go about?

I think I hit a point where I could say if you want me then leave her but I don't want to try to force him. We really don't have a bad thing right now.

Confusing, yes which is why I am here....

As I said also this has been a recent change. If I were to turn around and say I am not really comfortable not seeing other guys then i guess that would be a point where we'd probably go our seperate ways. Right now i am pretty content in our little private world.

Thank you though for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I really appreciate it.

 

 

The best to make it work is to realise tht he won't be with you(full time) EVER, and ask yourself if is that what you want. I am in a 5 yrs affair and since I realised that he won't leave his W and it is up to me if I want to stay or go I feel much better.

 

Have set days and times to talk and see him.Don't wait around for phone calls and build a life for yourself where he is just part of it. Don't get to involved in his problems either, yu canlisten as a friend would, but his choices are his choices, don't get mad or depressed for him.

 

The problem of seeing other people is kind of touch, if he has a wife why can't you see others??? just yersterday i had the same discussion with MM and even though before he was all pro me seeing someone else,he is acting like a jealous husband now.I have no intentions of seeing someone else man,but i have all the right to do so, as long as heis with his W.And so do you.

If you want to stay with him realise that there is no future and that he cannot control or ask anything from you since he is with another woman.It can only work if you deal with it as an open marriage.

 

Best Luck!!!!!!!!!

[mineymoe]

I guess I just feel more positive then that. I really love your quote too, The Prophet is one of my favorite books.

He hasn't made any promises to leave I haven't asked him too.

I didn't feel that him saying he wanted me to only see him was a permission/restriction thing but i thought of it as more of him realizing he has stronger feelings for me he was hesitant to say it even though that ws what he wanted. I think that is where we both are, realizing that there really is something here, sizing it up and getting frustrated with the current situation. I know people who have had affairs and are still together--my ex for one, my best friend and some other women who i know from a step parent support group, so at times it does happen. I just wonder if we are on that track. I kinda think we are. But I could be wrong.

I don't sit around waiting for him. I have my own children, my own business, a degree I am finishing. I have a pretty well rounded and busy life. And I also do not have any problem meeting other men. I guess I have tried to not admit that i am in love with this one...but i am.

[frygirl]

You really need to ask yourself if you want to sign up for the life of being his OW. That is the sitaution you are in. The fact that they are divorced doesn't change the fact that he is currently with his ex-wife and trying to make things work. He does have a choice. If there really are feelings between the two of you, don't you think you should be his choice? I would just be concerned if he continues to try to make things work with his ex for whatever reason, you are setting yourself up for alot of heartache. If what you feel for each other is real, you should speak up now and let him know he can't have both of you.

[mineymoe]

Thanks again for the responses. It feels great to air my thoughts. I have had so much inside for so long.

He has been with me since shortly after going back. He would go to counseling with her but she will not. They have not been actively working on their relationship. Her plan is for him to leave once the youngest is 18.

Will I wait around for that? Will he want me then? I have no idea.

Right now and for the past two years this has been a very positive relationship for me. I have experienced a lot of tragedy and pain in my life, real tragedy, not just cheating fiances, lots of people do, but this relationship with him I feel has helped heal me. We just connect in a way I haven't before with another person. Maybe that is all it will be. And if so its been alot.

[child_of_isis]

Geesh...you pretty much coerced him to tell you not to see other guys and now you feel trapped?

 

You wanted him to say that. I mean, c'mon...let's be honest...you did didn't you?

 

You kept at it until he gave you the response you wanted.

So we talked on the phone and I was like look if you really don't want me to see him then tell me and I won't. I don't care that much about the other guy and I don't want that to get in between us.

He said he couldn't tell me that that it would be wrong and selfish for him to say that. I was like if this is how you feel then maybe you' d be happier if you started paying more attention to your feelings. I said if you don't want me to see him anymore then tell me.

He told me he doesn't want me to see any other guys but him. And I said i wouldn't.

Now I feel kinda stupid. And kinda trapped.

[mineymoe]

Thanks for your response to such an old post.

YES! I was glad to hear he did not want me to see other guys. Yes I did push him and he said it was what he wanted but he knew it was selfish. But since then we have talked about it more and the fact is he makes his choices and I don't give him to much trouble about it so fair is fair. And even though I have met and dated some very nice successful attractive single men who want a more serious relationship with me and its been interesting and fun my guy has my heart. I hope it works out between us but maybe i will meet someone i like more. I really doubt it but nothing wrong with trying.