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After a year and a half, I just found out he's married.


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My marriage was crumbling. We had so many problems. Too many. I met someone. He swept me off my feet, and gave me courage to begin looking into a divorce. The H and I were not initmate with each other for over 2 yrs. So this person came into my life and changed it. We carried a relationship. He introduced me to his children, his dad, etc. He would tell me about his divorce and that he was divorced. However, after a year and a half, I found out he was still Married! He led me to believe that we had a chance at a life together. He gave me his mother's necklace, a ring, we each have a wedding ring w/ our initials or our names in them. He said he will take some time, but that he would leave her. He tells me about her yet refuses to hear about my H. He is very jealous! He said he was so very sorry.He cries w/ me and tells me that he will eventually leave, but that as I had a chance to tell my child, then he has to tell his girls. I dotn know if he will leave. I just found out a week ago. We have been talking since. He still says he wants kids w/ me and that life that he doesnt have with her. I put my divorce on hold to sort it out in my mind. I know I dont love my H, and there is little I want to do to fix it, but I am afraid to leave because of my son. What are your thoughts?

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Read Baileykeg's posts. It may help you...

 

Is he separated and not living with his wife, and just not divorced on paper? Just wondering...Or is he living with her, leading you on like he isn't with her at all?

 

Either way, this man is manipulative and a control freak. He has lied to you.

 

I say go no contact with the MM. And, as for your husband, you would have left him for the OM anyway, so you should still leave your husband. Don't be scared to be alone, and don't stay married to your husband because of your son...You're already emotionally out of the marriage and your son probably knows already that you and your H are not getting along.

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I know I dont love my H, and there is little I want to do to fix it, but I am afraid to leave because of my son. What are your thoughts?

 

My opinion -- the above sentence sums up it all up right there. Trust me, I've been there. I, too was not intimate with my husband for two years until I met MM. Was that ever one hell of an eye-opener for me as to what I have been missing out on.

 

Do not be afraid to leave because of your son. I'm willing to bet you are young. If you know for a fact that you no longer love your husband, take a break from your marriage to sort out your feelings. Being in a loveless marriage is not the answer for you or your husband. Not worth staying just for the sake of your son.

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Uhhhh you weren't afraid to leave your husband "because of your son" when you thought the other guy was divorced, now did you? So WTF difference does it make now??

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I just wanted to say welcome to the forum and keep posting. You have a lot going on there so there's plenty to unravel.

 

My first reactions are: that this MM doesn't look like a good bet for the future, with his lying to you for so long, and being jealous... sounds like he's pretty controlling. But like WWIU I'd like to know on what terms he is with his W: separated? M in name only and a D is possible at any time... what? There are some posts on here from Island Girl yesterday about when she found out her now-husband was actually still married, and as WWIU said, baileykeg's MM has been separated two years but refuses to get divorced. So it might help you to read some posts from those posters.

 

As far as your divorce, I'm with the others who said: if you thought it was a good idea before this, then it probably still is. You don't need a man to catch you if you divorce. You need to talk about this more with others, perhaps on other parts of LS... do some reading :)

 

And specifically... what is it you're scared of concerning your son..?

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he is married. has been for 16 years. i have been married for 19.

Read Baileykeg's posts. It may help you...

 

Is he separated and not living with his wife, and just not divorced on paper? Just wondering...Or is he living with her, leading you on like he isn't with her at all?

 

Either way, this man is manipulative and a control freak. He has lied to you.

 

I say go no contact with the MM. And, as for your husband, you would have left him for the OM anyway, so you should still leave your husband. Don't be scared to be alone, and don't stay married to your husband because of your son...You're already emotionally out of the marriage and your son probably knows already that you and your H are not getting along.

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How old is your son?

 

You are entitled to get child support from your husband when you divorce, and your son will also continue to see his father - but you know all this since you've already filed and have presumably spoken to a lawyer. So what are your concerns for your son if you divorce?

 

Do you have a job? Are you worried about how to live on your own if you divorce and don't have this other man to go to?

 

Unless you and your husband are willing to work on your problems together, I don't see why you would stay married now.

 

This other man lied to you for a long, long time, and he is still very firmly married. I don't think you can count on him to be there for you, nor do I think he'll be getting divorced any time soon, nor do I believe he's the kind of man who be good for your son to get close to. What will your son learn from him? To lie? To deceive people he supposedly loves? How is that good for your son?

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he is married. has been for 16 years. i have been married for 19.

 

I had a three year relationship with a man who did not tell me he was married for the first few months - I discovered it myself when he made an email slip. He also claimed to be divorced, but was in fact living and doing a post grad in a city different from his wife of 18 years. Theirs was a troubled and deeply dysfunctional marriage. I am a person who rarely sees things in black and white, and was emotionally attached by then, so I tried to find intellectual understanding and compassion for his lack of honesty. He did leave his marriage within a couple of months for our relationship, and I thought for a while he would be 'the one'.

 

I left him last year because despite his fierce intelligence and wit and other good things he was a fundamentally dishonest person. He was manipulative and often immoral. The lesson learned, and one that seems so glaringly obvious in retrospect, is that lying about being married in not a small lie. It's not a big lie. It a huge, massive, ignore-at-your-own-peril screaming red flag kind of lie.

 

You are emotionally attached to a deeply dishonest person. If you are willing to spend part of your life you could be using to find lasting and rewarding love on a life lesson, go ahead with this relationship. Otherwise, cry the tears you need to cry and move on.

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GreenEyedLady

M: I think you need to treat your situation as TWO SEPARATE issues...

 

First, your D: YOU are not happy in your M and should therefore be true to yourself and end it...

 

MM: I think that you need to start looking at the big picture...he lied to you about who he is...if he can lie about that, what else is he lying about? And I say that as an OW who was lied to also, for over a year...

 

I know that D is hard...I left my XH (he was with an OM) when my children were 2 and 4...it is the SINGLE BEST decision that I ever made in my life...

 

It's scary, I'll admit that...no matter how much I wanted my M to end, I had moments of doubt, but I went forward and I DO NOT REGRET IT! Your son will be fine...

 

If you don't think that he will leave, it's up to you to be the strong one...you won't be happy in limbo...

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Maxicoo

 

I think that you need to take time to observe both of your relationships seperatly. If you no longer love your hausband and you feel that there is no fixing it then maybe you need to move on. I think that women make a big mistake in getting out of one relationship and jumping into another one without spending time to themselves. The fact that MM lied to you knowing that both of you were in the same situation tells alot. I am not saying that he does not love you but maybe he is not willing to make the move that you did.

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