ultimatums

[addicted2love]

Hi all...still feeling like I'm being strung along by MM. Latest update is..... a week ago he said he was going to try to get a cell phone to call me on. Haven't heard from him in over a week since then. This seems to be the pattern. I hear from him about every two weeks. It's not enough and every time I get to the point where I'm ready to say forget it I hear from him.

 

I just want to break this cycle. I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever given their MM an ultimatum...did it work? Did it back fire on you?

 

Thanks

[Jinxx]

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever given their MM an ultimatum...did it work? Did it back fire on you?

 

Thanks

 

Well for me, a couple of weeks ago I told MM married man we need to "talk". He has brushed me off, quit calling, quit IM'ing/emailing so I guess I got my answer. I wasn't going to give him an ultimatimum but rather just was tired of the roller-coaster, was sick of the every two week thing and needed a little bit more. So I guess you can say it backfired on me because I'm still waiting to hear from him.

 

He has his opportunity last night as we worked the same shift but couldnt' be bothered.

 

So be prepared. It might not work out as you expect and it hurts like hell.

[Meredith63]

I did make MY expectations of our relationship perfectly clear though. My expectation was that I would be the ONLY woman in our R, if that was not possible, fine, but then he would have to understand that I had no interest in continuing in the R. I set my boundaries for my R, IMO not the same as an ultimatum.

[Guest]

If it helps my MM used to call me about every 8 or 9 days and I didn't think it was enough. There was no other communication because he never gave me his cell phone number--would block his caller ID when he phoned me and refused to give me his email address, so I could not initiate contact. How controlling is he and what a lack of trust he has in me.

 

I have told him that I am not going to be the OW for ever and a few years back I did end it after asking him outright where the relationship was going. I didn't flag up the serious talk before I met him, but I said "Good-bye" because he said that he was not leaving home as he didn't want to lose the respect of his grown up children. I remember him asking me if I hated him.

 

Well that was in the August and I never had any contact until the following April when he phoned me out of the blue to wish me a Happy Easter. I was shocked and he said he wanted to see me but he couldn't stay long. That did it for me and I cut him off because he only wanted to resume the A and nothing had changed. I was also annoyed with him because he had no regard for how I was feeling and the effect that his call might have on me. I told him I was very busy as well so I was not very welcoming.

 

So I am glad that I put him on the spot because I know that if I had told him in advance that I wanted a talk with him, he would have backed right away because he would not have wanted to face me and tell me that he wasn't leaving home.

 

I think ultimatums are useful if he is dithering about what he wants in a serious way and you can give him a reasonable time to sort himself out. This should come about after having heartfelt conversations with you first though.

 

But if you have the sort of A where he is only phoning you infrequently and doesn't take you out, preferring instead to just have sex with you, and not rocking the boat at home by not staying with you unless he has a cast iron alibi at home, then he is not serious about you.

I think in that case, if you give him an ultimatum or you decide to go NC, then that will be the end of the road.

 

Any man that is avoiding you is not serious about being with you. His actions are telling you that. He will get hassle from you and he probably gets that at home so why bother, is the way he looks at it (I think)

[addicted2love]

I honestly don't believe in ultimatums myself. I'm just really tired of the waiting game. The promises to call etc. The last time I sent him a long emotional email I asked him to either let me in or let me go because I just couldn't take it anymore. He responded with...let you go? I could never let you go!

 

So here I am...playing the waiting game again. The frustrating thing is I've never asked for promises of forever or to make any major sacrafices. All I'm asking for is a freaking phone call! I just miss the day to day normal conversations we used to have. That's all I"m asking him for at this point. It's so damn frustrating!

[whichwayisup]

Hi all...still feeling like I'm being strung along by MM. Latest update is..... a week ago he said he was going to try to get a cell phone to call me on. Haven't heard from him in over a week since then. This seems to be the pattern. I hear from him about every two weeks. It's not enough and every time I get to the point where I'm ready to say forget it I hear from him.

You're LETTING him string you along! So, yes, he is stringing you along because he knows he can get away with treating you like crap. A call every 2 weeks for a woman that he 'claims' to be inlove with??? Think about that for a minute.

 

You've given him all the power and control. He pulls the strings, you dance while he watches...How long do you want to be his puppet?

[addicted2love]

Merideth...how did he respond when you set your boundries...and how did you do it?

[addicted2love]

You're LETTING him string you along! So, yes, he is stringing you along because he knows he can get away with treating you like crap. A call every 2 weeks for a woman that he 'claims' to be inlove with??? Think about that for a minute.

 

You've given him all the power and control. He pulls the strings, you dance while he watches...How long do you want to be his puppet?

 

I don't want to be his puppet and yes I feel like one. That's the purpose of the question. I want to set some boundries with him and take some control over the situation. I don't want to go NC I only believe that is useful when you want the R to end. That isn't what I want. I want normal and more frequent communication with him. We can't see each other because we live hours away. I just miss the friendship and communication we had. I'm trying to break down that stupid wall he always throws up when he can't handle his emotions. It's been something he's done for 17 years. He doesn't know how to handle how he feels so he pulls away. How do I break this unhealthy habit?

[whichwayisup]

Don't make yourself available to him as much. When he calls, don't be so quick to answer his call or be so anxious to see him.

 

And, that is a guy thing, men tend to put the walls up on occasion. That won't change, all you can do is not react to it and let him have space. My husband (as well as my brother, my bro-in-law...) are more or less the same way. If you push, they'll clam up even more. It's just how men handle that kind of stuff.

[Meredith63]

I just told him, prior to us even kissing, that I don't do romantic triangles. That I was interested in him (well, fascinated actually, but didn't tell him at the time. Still am, really) and that I would love to pursue an R with him, but had zero interest in being anything but the main priority in his life. (I am very selfish, lol).

 

How did he respond? I really don't remember, but it did not matter. He understood. He knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I would not be an OW for long. I just needed to know that he understood the consequences of not making me his only woman.

[herenow]

I will try to say this as nice as possible. I'm really not trying to start another war here, but you do realize that he is married. If he is not leaving his wife, then you have no say in the boundaries. You are at the mercy of how much he is willing to lie to his wife and to you. You can tell him anything you want, but the fact is, he will not be able to guarantee anything as long as he is married. There will always be family things that come up that will take preference over anything he has promised you. When you agree to an affair with a married man, you agree to the boundaries set by the situation. If you are not happy with what he is willing to give you, then the only boundaries you can set are your own as far as what you do. The MM will always do what's best for him.

[stillhere]

A2L, that would not sit well with me. Every 2 weeks is rediculous. I'm sorry to say this, but if you give him an ultimadum, i think it will not have the desired effect you are looking for.

 

WWIU is right, how can a man that loves you only call every 2 weeks or so. He wouldn't be playing these games.

 

Being busy is not an excuse. My MM works his tail off, day and night, and he always makes time for me. That is every single day, not every other day or what not. If it was every 2 weeks, i can guarantee he would no longer be around.

 

You need to do what's best for you, and this relationship doesn't sound healthy. If he was single, would you put up with this treatment?

[whichwayisup]

When you agree to an affair with a married man, you agree to the boundaries set by the situation. If you are not happy with what he is willing to give you, then the only boundaries you can set are your own as far as what you do. The MM will always do what's best for him.

 

Exactly! And that is why you must put yourself first - AND - NOT be so available to him. Either accept that you are the OW in his life as things are and do the changes so YOU will feel happier, or end it.

 

What are your long term expectations with him? How long do you intend on staying the OW.

 

I hope someday soon you end it with him because as much as you love him, he isn't capable of giving himself to you fully. And, you get the short end of the stick...

You DO deserve a man who will love you fully, sadly, it just won't be with him.

[ratingsguy]

I don't want to go NC I only believe that is useful when you want the R to end.

 

Not necessarily. You can go NC for a specific period of time. During that time, you focus on yourself and see what it's like to not have that person in your life. More importantly, it gives your MM a chance to do the same thing. It gives him an opportunity to miss you and realize what you two had. Unfortunately, the other cold reality of NC is that after a period of time he may not want you back. Or, you may not want HIM back! But at least in a temporary NC, you begin to move on a little bit and the hurt won't be as bad down the road when you revisit the issue.

 

Anyone agree with that?

[Salicious Crumb]

Hi all...still feeling like I'm being strung along by MM. Latest update is..... a week ago he said he was going to try to get a cell phone to call me on. Haven't heard from him in over a week since then. This seems to be the pattern. I hear from him about every two weeks. It's not enough and every time I get to the point where I'm ready to say forget it I hear from him.

 

I just want to break this cycle. I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever given their MM an ultimatum...did it work? Did it back fire on you?

 

Thanks

 

LOL...you really want to ask about ultimatums to a married man you are boning?...LMFAO...*choke*...*sigh*...oh god....this is too funny.

[Meredith63]

I always thought it was kind of a game. My MM was a grown man. He knew what life was like without me (20 years of marriage without me). He needed to make a decision without me "having to teach him a lesson." I never wanted kids, certainly did not want to be mom to my MM, lol.

 

JMHO, but to me, NC is playing a game.

[Meredith63]

what a lady, lol.

[Karma24]

I will try to say this as nice as possible. I'm really not trying to start another war here, but you do realize that he is married. If he is not leaving his wife, then you have no say in the boundaries. You are at the mercy of how much he is willing to lie to his wife and to you. You can tell him anything you want, but the fact is, he will not be able to guarantee anything as long as he is married. There will always be family things that come up that will take preference over anything he has promised you. When you agree to an affair with a married man, you agree to the boundaries set by the situation. If you are not happy with what he is willing to give you, then the only boundaries you can set are your own as far as what you do. The MM will always do what's best for him.

 

Absolutely right on.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I always thought it was kind of a game. My MM was a grown man. He knew what life was like without me (20 years of marriage without me). He needed to make a decision without me "having to teach him a lesson." I never wanted kids, certainly did not want to be mom to my MM, lol.

 

JMHO, but to me, NC is playing a game.

 

I completely agree with you on this on Meredith in many situations...NC is often used as a test to see how much the MM/MW will hurt/regret past treatment if they're out of the lives of the OW/OM.

 

The real purpose of NC is to establish a vehicle to move on with your life from the R, without the heartache and complexity of remaining in contact.

 

A2L, boundaries are something that you need to establish - that his behaviour is a "deal-breaker" at the moment as you're not happy in the situation. You've got your boundaries - he definitely needs to know his.

[herenow]

what a lady, lol.

 

I'm not positive, but I think SC is a guy, so insinuating that he is not a proper lady is a worthless dig.

[Meredith63]

oops..... hardly a gentlemen? Boning? Lord.... I am getting old, lol.

[Salicious Crumb]

oops..... hardly a gentlemen? Boning? Lord.... I am getting old, lol.

 

Yes boning...cheaters and people who "bone" other peoples husbands/wives need to hear it the harsh way.

 

What do you prefer? The horizontal mambo...waxing the weasel...giving him a warm place to put it....riding the high hard one....getting jackhammered?

 

Or when it comes to a woman like this who is having sex with another woman's husband...do you prefer "making love"?

 

Take your pick and I'll be sure to use that one from here on out.

[Meredith63]

I guess I've just never been one to be crude. Call it what you will, don't let me stop your fun...

[herenow]

Care or not, here is my honest opinion on why these threads can't be answered truthfully. If an OW was to admit that the MM only calls her when he feels the need, then she would have to accept the fact that he is using her. That is a very hard thing to do for anyone who wants to believe that the affair means more to the MM than it actually does, so the OW asks questions like this to try and create something that's just not there.

 

If the OW could see that the only person that the MM cares about is himself, they would understand why he acts the way he does. Again, JMHO, take it or leave it.

[Meredith63]

Again, I don't disagree. I would also say that this is the case in any R where someone is really just an "FB" (hey, lol, I'm being crude... how am I doing, Sal.. Crumb?) Who really wants to admit that?