Married and falling for married lover

[Jill88]

Hello everybody, i hope you guys can give me some advice on my situation. Im 24, been married for 6plus years, and have had many, many sexual affairs. Ive always been 'scandalous', lol..My husband and i have great sex and i love him very much, but i have zero control. We have had our ups and downs, but we have stayed married even though i realize that we are not all that compatible. We have one daughter, who is 2 years old.

 

I am having an affair with a guest at the hotel i work at..( i know, i know..). I find myself overcome with lust and desire for him. But it goes deeper than that im afraid. I have had roughly 18 other lovers while being married to my husband. I realize that makes me sound slutty, but ill take a chance and be honest. I have NEVER fallen for any of them, even though most of them were really great men. I never allowed myself to have any feelings of anything besides lust for them.

 

My lover and i talk on the phone quite often, we text, and we see each other whenever possible. He lives an hour and a half away, married to a cold-hearted woman, and has two beautiful children. We have flirted around and filled out 'surveys' hinting around that we may be falling in love with the other. We are both at vulnerable points in our marriages, and i realize that part of why we are drawn to each other is the fact that we get the attention and affection that we dont receive from our spouses.

 

My question is, how deep is this in theory?? Could this be my long lost love? Or is it just a passionate affair? Ive never had feelings like this for anyone besides my husband. Ive always been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay. But now, i dont know what to do. I know this is most likely headed down the road to heartache, but i just cant stop. I cant get enough of him-i crave him too much. I realize it is still early, and i dont want to make any rash decisions until i find out if it is truely love or just lust. I dont want to become miserable because im stuck in a failing marriage and in love with another womans husband. I dont want to feel this way, i dont want to be this girl.

 

Id appreciate any insight into my situation! Thanks for listening..

[whichwayisup]

Divorce your husband NOW, give him full custody of your child.

 

Don't know why you even bothered getting married, you have no respect for yourself, for your husband, your married lover's wife or your innocent DAUGHTER.

[MoonGirl]

Read the other threads here...so far I haven't read any fairytales. Has anyone else? I guess Bonehead's situation is as close to a fairytale as we get in here, and his MW was ready to get out of her marriage when they began dating (if I remember correctly).

 

I have never dated a MM, but I am a MW in an emotional affair with a single guy. I am preparing to leave my husband (who is verbally and physically abusive), but I'm pretty sure that I am not the norm here.

From what I've read, most married men and women stay with their wives/husbands and string the OW along for as long as possible.

 

The stories of the OWs are heart-breaking (at least to me). I would seriously caution against falling deeper in love with a married man because, in the end, you will probably end up regretting it.

 

Not that I am one to preach, but recognizing that your actions can impact others (like your husband and daughter) might be something for you to think about. Does your husband know about your affair(s)? Having sex every now and then with some random guy you don't love is maybe easy to hide from your H, but an emotional affair is much harder to hide. Do you want to hurt your husband? What will you do if he finds out, leaves you, and you're left alone pining for some guy who is married to another woman? Wouldn't that stink?

[LittleWingedOne]

Divorce your husband NOW, give him full custody of your child.

 

Don't know why you even bothered getting married, you have no respect for yourself, for your husband, your married lover's wife or your innocent DAUGHTER.

 

 

Ok, now thats just mean. Maybe she should do those things, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have respect for herself or her husband or daughter. Some people can't control their sexual urges which is a problem...

 

 

I think you should get a divorce and maybe go to therapy for sex addiction

[whichwayisup]

Ok, now thats just mean. Maybe she should do those things, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have respect for herself or her husband or daughter. Some people can't control their sexual urges which is a problem...

It was harsh yes, but she needs to understand the consquences of her actions and see what she's doing to her family. She's acting really selfish and in all honesty, if she can't "control" her sexual urges then she needs to tell her husband she has a problem and get help for it.

 

If she had respect for her family, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing, and putting her husband at risk for STD's! A nice case of herpes, or something worse.

[LittleWingedOne]

It was harsh yes, but she needs to understand the consquences of her actions and see what she's doing to her family. She's acting really selfish and in all honesty, if she can't "control" her sexual urges then she needs to tell her husband she has a problem and get help for it.

 

If she had respect for her family, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing, and putting her husband at risk for STD's! A nice case of herpes, or something worse.

 

 

I know plenty of people that have sex addictions and don't even know how bad they're hurting other people until someone makes them get help. I just think that before judging her so harshly, we should see if she's willing to find out if she has a sex addiction.

 

Either way though, Jill, you need to get out of your marriage, forget the married and man and get some help

[Sup]

Does your husband even know this? let your husband know what you're doing, and let him make a decision about his life, stop wasting his life, and let him move on. How would you feel if your husband did this to you?

[sunmoon]

Jill....the first thing you need to do is talk to your husband. That is first. Sorry to say but you married way too early, if you ask me that is really the major problem here. the fact that you've cheated on your husband many many times in the past should of been the ton of bricks ....the both of you do not deserve this. As for the married man you are with, he needs to do the same. Unfortunately this is why i personally don't really agree with the traditional ritual we call marriage, i think the fact the people marry to begin with puts them at higher rate for cheating. It's (unfortunatly) not natural to stay with one person YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. you can still have a family and be together with no marrriage present (of course im gonna hear it from everyone on this) but most marriages statistically end in divorse. Have a "life" partner forever....i know many people who have done this....they have been together for years,,,the term and meaning of marriage is psychological and puts ALOT of strain on two people....its all in the mind, because you are committed on "paper" it the finality of it all that makes you naturally want to stray....im sorry to sound so glum. Bottom line, talk to your husband about divorse and take a break from men until you find the right one. Having many partners can only mean 2 things, you have alot of sex drive and can't control it, which can lead to problems OR you really have no clue what it is that you are really looking for.

[vocalstudent86]

If you are still with your husband then I dont believe that you can make the relationship with the MM work. Right now what you feel could partially be from the excitement of getting what you haven't been able to get with your spouses and leading you to feel things you wouldn't feel if you were single. It doesn't sound like you are ready to get settled down, but I think divorce would probably be a good first starting point to getting your life on track and figuring out what will make you happy. Another poster suggested a break from men- this may also be neccessary. Someone else intelligent ( i forgot which poster) said that the statistics for the OW are not good. This is also true. How many stories on loveshack come from OW who have fallen in love with MM and the MM wont leave their W? It can be heartbreaking. Make sure you know what you are getting into.

[Jill88]

Thanks for the advice-of course i know that this will most likely not end well. My husband and i have had an open relationship in the past, which we dont currently have due to jealousy issues. Sunmoon, you definitely have a great perspective on my situation. I married young-before i had a grasp of who the hell i am. Now that i have a much clearer idea, i realize that maybe marriage isnt my thing. Im too independent for it. I dont feel that marriage is necessary anymore. That, and i realize i need more from a man then i get from my husband, who is fairly emotionless.

 

He loves me, and i love him, but we just arent a great match. He has slept with other women before, and i knew about it. Frankly, it doesnt bother me. I dont associate sex with love. I most likely do have a sexual addiction, and i do realize that i can be hurting many people involved. I do need counseling, i really do. Whichwayisup, you were harsh, but you were only expressing your opinion, which i respect. However, in my defense, i do put my family first, and im NOT a bad mother. And i never use my friends as alibis, never. In a way, yes-im being selfish, but in another way, i think i do this because it is a ME thing. I do agree that counseling could be a great thing for me.

[Jill88]

I also must add that i dont in any way expect MM to leave his W. I would never ask him to, i realize that this is horrible timing, and the last thing i need on my plate right now. I would rather live with the emotions and deal with it then ruin anything for him. I dont expect to 'be' with him at all. I simply have feelings that are stronger than what they should be. Of course i knew all along that if you play with fire, eventually youre going to get burned. Im not going to turn into a psycho stalker, or call and tell his wife, or expect impossible things from him.

[whichwayisup]

Harsh advice sometimes is the best type of advice that gets through.

 

Look, you need to make a choice here. Sex is sex in your mind, and you husband agreed to an open marriage, but then jealously issues took over. Now, you've met a MM, and you have feelings for him. That's different because it affects how you feel towards your husband. He needs to know the truth. Together you two need to decide what to do, fix the marriage, learn how to be without involving others into your marriage. Or end it. What you are teaching your daughter isn't right. Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like you're a bad mother, it's just you aren't thinking of her first, or your marriage, or the life you and your H built together.

 

Get yourself to a therapist and talk. If you want to change do this.

 

y, yes-im being selfish, but in another way, i think i do this because it is a ME thing. I do agree that counseling could be a great thing for me.

Good that you see that, part of being a parent, being married, you give up certain things and learn not to be so selfish. therapy can help with that if you're willing to go with an open mind and desire to DO what is necessary to help.

[frannie]

My question is, how deep is this in theory?? Could this be my long lost love? Or is it just a passionate affair? Ive never had feelings like this for anyone besides my husband. Ive always been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay. But now, i dont know what to do. I know this is most likely headed down the road to heartache, but i just cant stop. I cant get enough of him-i crave him too much. I realize it is still early, and i dont want to make any rash decisions until i find out if it is truely love or just lust...

 

Well you already said you love your husband very much and have great sex with him. And a daughter.

 

I can't really understand what 'rash decisions' you could be talking about. Leaving your marriage..? What's up with it..? How long have you known this other person and what do you have with him that you don't already have with your H..? And if you need so much sex from so many different men then what does it matter who you're actually with..?

 

What happened with the 'jealousy issues'..? Were they your husband's..? And why did they come up..? Whose idea was it originally to have an 'open marriage'..?

[Jill88]

Well, the open minded marriage was something we had mentioned before, and then sortof dropped. Then he brought it up again one day and said he wanted to give it a shot. He slept with several women(once again, i was fine with this), but once i slept with another man and told him about it, he became too jealous and called the whole thing off. It was fun while it lasted, i suppose.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah open marriages don't work out most of the time, hense emotions/feelings/etc...Jealously. He probably realized HE couldn't handle it, especially even more so now with you sleeping with other men.

 

Fact is though, his worst nightmare has come true. You're falling for another man, a MM.

 

You need to decide what you want - Have a marriage, a life with your husband and family or divorce. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Look into therapy and sort yourself out. If you have a sexual addiction and can't control yourself, fix it.

 

Together you two can go to marriage counselling and recapture the love, respect and all the good feelings that you once shared together. Remember what it was that brought you two together...

[whichwayisup]

Im not going to turn into a psycho stalker, or call and tell his wife, or expect impossible things from him.

 

Keep sleeping with the MM and you will get more emotionally involved...Never say never! Just read about the threads in this section. People do things they never thought they'd do....Affairs seem to bring out a different kind of emotion and attachment than a normal relationship does.

[frannie]

Well, the open minded marriage was something we had mentioned before, and then sortof dropped. Then he brought it up again one day and said he wanted to give it a shot. He slept with several women(once again, i was fine with this), but once i slept with another man and told him about it, he became too jealous and called the whole thing off. It was fun while it lasted, i suppose.

 

Hmm well that's what I've always heard about swinging/open marriages... the man starts out like it's a good idea (woo I get to sleep with all these women!) and then it ends up that it's the woman who is getting all the offers and it doesn't look so good... and then it's no, we're not doing this any longer...

 

I don't now about 'sexual addiction' or what it is that's not sitting right with you. You're married and have a daughter, a husband you love and you have great sex with him..? So... what's missing..? And would it be any better with someone else, or is it something you need to look at now and sort out with your current partner.

 

For what it's worth I'm completely shocked that people still get married at such young ages and expect anything but trouble and break-ups... I didn't even know who I was at the age you got married... and actually some days I'm still not sure.

[stillafool]

Frankly, I don't know what you are doing married. Why aren't you single?

If you have slept with 18 guys (while married) you need to get tested if you haven't already. If you don't want the MM to leave his wife then what do you care what he thinks about you as long as you are getting the sex you want. I think you should divorce your husband and be on your own to continue to screw whoever you want whenever you want.

[Jill88]

Youre right, i shouldnt be married. I really didnt think i would turn into this, but my sexual addiction has taken over. I have been recently tested, and everything is all good. I play it safe when im with someone else, although i do realize that nothing is 100 percent. I also have my tubes tied. I know this isnt fair to my husband, i do love him-but i just dont see us staying married. (for other reasons) I have toned it down a GREAT deal though-if its any consolaton-i know im playing with fire, and it has to slow down greatly or stop completely.

 

True, it doesnt really matter to me if my MM leaves his wife. I would never ask that of him, no matter how i feel. Jumping right out of one relationship and into another is NOT a good idea. I guess the main issue is how to deal with how i feel about the MM. I dont want to have feelings with him. I just wonder what is different about this guy that is so different from all the other lovers..???? Why am i falling for this one and not any of the others? I mean, hes not even really 'my type'. Thats why this is all so strange.

[puddleofmud]

Seems as if both you and your husband have done your share of having other partners.

Either you talk about this, work out the parameters of an actual "open-marriage" or decide to work on your marriage, soley, as to monogamy OR you go it alone as to divorce.

Should you continue an open marriage then one may consider that meeting strangers via hotel is life-endangering for both of you!

I do know some couples in "open" situations and both know what exactly is going on--as to whom, their phone numbers, their names, etc. But for the most part they "swing" together". I am not a fan of either but don't judge.

Most swingers do not deal w/ married "singles"--they deal with either completely single persons or other like minded married couples.

Perhaps you have not actually been in an "open marriage" but in a marriage where one just turned a blind "eye" as to the other's estrangement / activities.

I don't know the age of your child, but he or she won't be a baby long and will start understanding nuances very soon if not already!

A child doesn't need to live in an emotional "frat house".

For the sake of your child, find level ground whether you stay or go.

[frannie]

I have been recently tested, and everything is all good. I play it safe when im with someone else, although i do realize that nothing is 100 percent. I also have my tubes tied. I know this isnt fair to my husband, i do love him-but i just dont see us staying married. (for other reasons)

 

You've got yourself sterilized at age 26? Didn't that involve some kind of counselling..?

 

I don't know why you're spending so much energy on wondering whether you love this MM when there seems to be so much else you're not even considering about your life. If you divorce your husband, settle down with someone new... you're going to have to find someone who never wants their own children or who already has them..?

[Salicious Crumb]

Hello everybody, i hope you guys can give me some advice on my situation. Im 24, been married for 6plus years, and have had many, many sexual affairs. Ive always been 'scandalous', lol.

 

LOL?...something funny about being a cheater?

 

I am having an affair with a guest at the hotel i work at..( i know, i know..). I find myself overcome with lust and desire for him. But it goes deeper than that im afraid. I have had roughly 18 other lovers while being married to my husband. I realize that makes me sound slutty

It doesn't make you SOUND slutty....you ARE slutty.

 

My lover and i talk on the phone quite often, we text, and we see each other whenever possible. He lives an hour and a half away, married to a cold-hearted woman

Funny you should say that...YOUR husband is married to a cold hearted woman as well.

 

My question is, how deep is this in theory?? Could this be my long lost love?

No, there is no such thing for you. You like too many men at once.

 

I know this is most likely headed down the road to heartache

 

For who?..you or your husband? If it is you, then it is pretty damn selfish since you don't seem to care about the heartache you are going to deal out to your husband.

 

I dont want to feel this way, i dont want to be this girl.

Then you should have stopped cheating.

 

Id appreciate any insight into my situation! Thanks for listening..

Here is what you should do. First off, I don't give 2 squirts of piss if you fall for this guy and he doesn't return the "love".

 

You should file for divorce from your husband. Set the poor man free so he can get on with his life. Do the decent thing and save him....leave him. He deserves better than you.

 

Then you can go out and spread your legs for whoever you want without guilt.