Headed for a PA?

[jjrn]

Hi, I am new at this A stuff - so let me just tell you some of the facts.

 

I have known this MM for almost six months. We have gotten to know each other and it started with "simple compliments". He then began to confide in me about his ill wife, and how much awful stuff he/she was going through. He has three kids and has been married for 15 years, I have one child, and have been married for five years.

 

Then she kind of got to where she was no longer being brought up in conversation. To sum it all up, he compliments me EXCESIVELY, such as - you smell good, you look nice, but always do, you look great, boy you do get here about every night (the gym), and said - that is why you look so good, once when I said I was hot, he says, yes, you are, I know your hot, he "mentioned" a hotel once for me to "check out" and said it is very romantic, and I could even get on line to look at the rooms, he will ask me about my son, but not husband (he knows husband kind of), he practically begged me to join his gym (we belonged to the same one, then he switched, and began telling me all about it, wanting me to join), first night there he says "I am glad your here" and says it very serious, sincere and sweet, he has told me several times how he enjoys seeing me, again, he says this very serious, like it is heartfelt when he says it, once when he asked me what I had planned, I told him lingeri shopping, he goes "can I come too, you know, you might need a man's opinion", last time at the gym when he saw me he said "I was looking for you, I was thinking...she should be here anytime...", he says: you tan don't you? It looks nice", he has acted very strange when his wife happens to come around - (her and I have talked a couple of times before), he has acted odd when seeing my H once - after him and I started getting to know each other, my H said...for some reason - he had a hard time looking at me in the eyes, and tried to get away by telling me and his wife he had to go pick something up.....

 

Anyways, he tells me how comfortable he feels in talking to me, he blushes a lot, we laugh a lot about stuff, we have very much in common, I just don't know what to make of this - is he wanting anything or what? I just don't know what to think. I get to see him on average, about three times a week - that's it. Maybe four now that the Holiday's are over.

 

A lot of other things have happened, but these are the main things I can think of. Another thing to consider - he is my physical therapist - so, I don't know if that has any impact on anything or not - SO MUCH MORE has happened, but just wanted to list the basics here!

 

Any input would be great as to what this man is thinking/wanting/.....whatever!!!! Thanks!

jjrn

[frannie]

Well he's flirting, and he's possibly after some extra-curricula activity, if you know what I mean.

 

Thing is... so what..? What are you after..?

[noforgiveness]

so do you feel you have to have sex with anyone who flirts with you regardless of being married. Going lingeree shopping was a major comeon comment.

 

Do you love your husband? Do you really want an affair. Looks like you are looking for it especially since you joined HIS gym after he asked.

 

I think you need to examine why you want affection and attention from another man when you are married with a kid.

[herenow]

Is it possible that he is doing his job as your physical therapist and giving you encouragement. Maybe a bit too much encouragement, but it's his business isn't it? I've met some very slimy physical therapist and trainers that will cross that line of communication to keep a client. Just a thought.

 

BTW, my chiropractor does that all the time. Puts his arm around me. Tells me I'm the most gorgeous woman in the room. Comments on what great shape I'm in. Very touchy feely, but a great chiropractor. It's his style (slimy as it is) to keep women feeling good about themselves so that they will keep coming to him. I take it with a grain of salt.

[jjrn]

Hi, I understand what your saying - but it has gone beyone just nice compliments - him wanting me to join his gym (begged me), making it a point never to ask about my H, but my son, telling me so seriously how he enjoys seeing me (there is something in the way he says it, not like a friendly - hey - good seeing you)!, and then acting so odd when his wife comes around, and when he was around my husband, and telling me there are times things are so bad, he does not even want to go home -----I like him very much, very attracted to him, he has never "hugged me" or put his arm around me, but you had a very good point! I appreciate your thoughts - thank you.....jjrn

[jjrn]

Hi, I understand what your saying - but it has gone beyond just nice compliments - him wanting me to join his gym (begged me), making it a point never to ask about my H, but my son, telling me so seriously how he enjoys seeing me (there is something in the way he says it, not like a friendly - hey - good seeing you)!, and then acting so odd when his wife comes around, and when he was around my husband, and telling me there are times things are so bad, he does not even want to go home -----I like him very much, very attracted to him, he has never "hugged me" or put his arm around me, but you had a very good point! I appreciate your thoughts - thank you.....jjrn

[noforgiveness]

Hi, I understand what your saying - but it has gone beyone just nice compliments - him wanting me to join his gym (begged me), making it a point never to ask about my H, but my son, telling me so seriously how he enjoys seeing me (there is something in the way he says it, not like a friendly - hey - good seeing you)!, and then acting so odd when his wife comes around, and when he was around my husband, and telling me there are times things are so bad, he does not even want to go home -----I like him very much, very attracted to him, he has never "hugged me" or put his arm around me, but you had a very good point! I appreciate your thoughts - thank you.....jjrn

 

You are married. Not some teenager with a crush. You are not free to be very attracted to him. When you get caught don't you dare tell your husband you didn't mean for thi to happen. YOU joined HIS gym. You are setting the scene for this. Your poor child. Nice example you set.

[2sunny]

you are flirting with disaster honey!

 

do you honestly think it is worth risking our marriage/family/friends - in order for someone to use you?

 

you are feeding his ego - and he is feeding yours.

 

any man that wants to bed you will say anything to make you consider sleeping with him... even if he knows it's not true.

 

you are playing with FIRE!

 

place ALL of this attention back on your husband!

 

do not go to THAT gym, and get another physical therapist... he is going to hurt you and your life!

[jjrn]

Hi, yes I do agree with you. I just don't know how this ever happened. I think I will just go to a new Dr. and keep the schedule I am on with my current w/out's, because I have not seen him up there in a couple of weeks - I know it has been the holidays and stuff, but maybe he changed his work out time so he won't see me anymore........but a part of me thinks it is just a game, because if he was going to do anything, he would have done it by now, so I think to myself I am fine - nothing is going to come of this, but then I think I am stupid for thinking that way.

 

Thanks for your input.

jjrn

[2sunny]

Hi, yes I do agree with you. I just don't know how this ever happened. I think I will just go to a new Dr. and keep the schedule I am on with my current w/out's, because I have not seen him up there in a couple of weeks - I know it has been the holidays and stuff, but maybe he changed his work out time so he won't see me anymore........but a part of me thinks it is just a game, because if he was going to do anything, he would have done it by now, so I think to myself I am fine - nothing is going to come of this, but then I think I am stupid for thinking that way.

 

Thanks for your input.

jjrn

 

Well - just the fact that you are keeping tabs on how long it has been since you have seen him means that you are thinking about him toooo much for your marriage to be in a healthy place. I am sure your husband has noticed your "distraction" and is wondering what it could possibly be.

 

You continue - you will be found out - I guarantee it.

 

Go to marriage counseling - tell your hubby you are feeling tempted. Work on things so you two reconnect... there is a reason you are distracted with this man that will bring nothing good to your life.

 

Quit going out of your way to pay attention to him... you are placing your energy on the wrong man...

 

How long have you been married and how old are you? Just wondering...

[jjrn]

Hi, I am 30, and have been married for almost six years. I have a beautiful two year old son that means the world to me and makes me wonder why I have not removed myself from this situation yet.

 

My H and I have always had a great marriage, of course have had our ups and downs, but who doesn't? Lately I have just grown very unattracted to him sexually - just sexually - and this MM situation has not helped - we have talked about counseling, and plan on going because I have become distant and he says he "misses his wife" and wants me back:(

 

Thanks again for your input here.

jjrn

[2sunny]

Hi, I am 30, and have been married for almost six years. I have a beautiful two year old son that means the world to me and makes me wonder why I have not removed myself from this situation yet.

 

My H and I have always had a great marriage, of course have had our ups and downs, but who doesn't? Lately I have just grown very unattracted to him sexually - just sexually - and this MM situation has not helped - we have talked about counseling, and plan on going because I have become distant and he says he "misses his wife" and wants me back:(

 

Thanks again for your input here.

jjrn

 

the reason you are "distant" and he "misses his wife" is because you are being unfair to him and the marriage.

 

your energy and attention is with this other scumbag that diverts all of your resources for your hubby.

 

if you love your son and life at all - you will bail completely on the notion of this other man who is distracting you from all positive things in your married life.

 

i know the situation much more than i would want to tell you... please listen to a much older and wiser gal than you... run... don't just walk away!

 

good luck to you honey, and stay strong... think of the good things you can do in your marriage... that may help you get through!

[kymberann]

Hi JJN,

 

I just don't know how this ever happened

 

At this point it doesn't really matter how it ever happened. What matters is that you have thought this through and are leaning in the direction of working things out with your husband.

 

I agree with the responses here. Run while you can and don't allow this man to rob you of your own worth.

Becoming involved with a MM may seem thrilling, exhilerating AT First, but the excitement wears off. It becomes painful and so damaging to your spirit. So painful I can't even elaborate right now. THe time it takes to recover from an A is so painful I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Just save yourself the misery and expend that energy enjoying yor son and husband!

Best!

[jjrn]

Hi, thank you for the advice - I agree I should walk away from this - actually, I have known it for a while, don't know why I make it so hard to just walk away - I do it to myself, I guess because a part of me tells myself - "this is harmless, just flirting, if he was going to pursue this, he would have by now -

 

my girlfriends and male friends all say the same thing - "he is waiting for the right time to make his move, he is "feeling me out" to see how far I will let things go, he is "playing things very cool and careful", and he has 100% intentions of wanting to be intimate with me.

 

I know, I need to walk away from this.

[2sunny]

Hi, thank you for the advice - I agree I should walk away from this - actually, I have known it for a while, don't know why I make it so hard to just walk away - I do it to myself, I guess because a part of me tells myself - "this is harmless, just flirting, if he was going to pursue this, he would have by now -

 

my girlfriends and male friends all say the same thing - "he is waiting for the right time to make his move, he is "feeling me out" to see how far I will let things go, he is "playing things very cool and careful", and he has 100% intentions of wanting to be intimate with me.

 

I know, I need to walk away from this.

 

just a simple question - but - how would your heart and mind feel if your hubby felt the same way about some gal flirting "innocently" with him?

 

put yourself in his shoes and see how he is feeling... he knows already - i guarantee it...

 

you need to do some repair work - in a big hurry - and forget mr smooth talker completely!

[freakygal78]

I have to say I agree with all these good people - I was EI w/ a MM last year and I ended up being forced to leave my job because of all the taunts etc.

 

It's a mutual ego feed which if you haven't been getting that kind of compliment from anyone for a while is very seductive. Even him noticing that you have blue in your eyes when you don't have your contacts in makes you get a tingle up your spine because 'he noticed'!

 

It's energy he is not giving his wife and energy you aren't putting into a somewhat binding relationship also. I can't talk - I'm not married but have been - it's not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Also I know that gym ppl and personal trainers in particular have that kind of sexy flirty lingo going on with their female clientele to keep them coming back like rats pushing on a bar to get a pellet - it's really quite pathetic once you realise you aren't really the 'special' one he likes but he does it with all the girls. Not to minimise your specialness in his mind but it's not going to go anywhere good and some things are just best left fantasies methinks!

[puddleofmud]

One would not question that any given man or woman "flirts". Some are better than others, some have been doing so since birth. My sons, when in diapers and long before they were able to walk, flirted in restaurants with female wait staff. They literally batted baby eye-lashes and made coy eyes! They would giggle--she would giggle... my sons got free desert.

However, WHO CARES who merely "flirts" with whom? It's all about ego, an arm around whatever and possibly a little patty-poo.

Flirting is NOT anything other than flirting for the mere fun of flirting unless you let it be something else and most who are great at flirting just want to do just that--flirt.

Men love to flirt with married women--every single man I have known tells me that flirting w/ married women is a common because there are no consequences--the married woman is safe and they are safely practicing their flattery. And they know they would never go through with being with a married woman.

They have also expressed that sometimes this back-fires (and I have also expressed my dismay as to "gee--wonder why--you ASS?) that married women also tend to "lock in" and think this maybe something serious/ an invitation/ advance.

Flirting is no different in the single world than the married: it is what it is and nothing more nor less unless one takes it seriously and chooses to respond in a serious manner.

One may only be advanced upon if one so desires. That is where flirting crosses the line as to "signals" and where signals make dates for further flirting accross the table with drinks.

Most flirt, but few actually respond to signals other than for an ego boost.

Any one may flirt and anyone may flirt back, but it doesn't always end up over drinks at another place. Or a bed.

The best flirts will tell you that they adore the ones who are NOT impressed and who ignore them and give them challenge as they have had a lot of bed, already from women who are so easily gained.

Again, I say--wonder why--ass-hole!

Frankly, these are not men seeking quality relationships, just quantity as to the male assortment and challenge according to male competition.

[freakygal78]

I hear what your'e saying PoM and I agree on alot of aspects but the distinction has to be made between flirting and flirting with intention. Clearly this lady's physical therapist is flirting with intention and if the other party is not accessible it should not be done as it puts the unavailable party in a situation of unnecessary temptation. How easy it is to be flattered and moved and have unfulfilled desires inflamed by this attention even if it is 'harmless'. I had a MM flirt with me by giving me those groin-melting looks across the office, cheeky emails and sending me songs then after a few wines at the bar after work I found myself walking to catch up to him at the station only to throw myself at him when I did, thinking he'd reciprocate - sure it was a stoopid move and one that surprised even him even though the whole night he'd been gazing into my eyes intermittently as if the workmates around us didn't exist. After the move and the following Monday he vehemently denied ever flirting with me or encouraging me - who is to blame here? He was so obviously giving me sexual come-on signals - I don't care what ppl are like in Scandanavia where he comes from lol but you just don't put ppl in that situation - I have no doubt he never wanted anything physical to happen - well yay for him he got a girl 12yrs his junior to throw herself at a married man - I was made to want him that much. And I have to admit I never even noticed this man till one day I noticed him staring at the back of my head at work - so even though willpower is the go and you say nothing is intended by innocent flirting PoM, it can be very misleading and hurtful and deceptive when it backfires - yes.

[ratingsguy]

My H and I have always had a great marriage, of course have had our ups and downs, but who doesn't? Lately I have just grown very unattracted to him sexually - just sexually...

 

I'm really confused here. You admit to having a great M, give no evidence of not being in love with your H, and this is your motivation for having a potential A??

 

You aren't sexually attracted to him as much as you once were... that happens! But it doesn't last forever. Everything else about your M is solid. How do I know? Mainly because you haven't said one bad thing about your H. Try and remember why it was that you fell in love with him and why you eventually married him. Maybe it'll prevent you from doing something stupid.

 

That being said, I was a OM involved with a MW. She had a reason to stray... her M had died a long time ago. The love was gone. She's now separated and we're together.

 

Now that isn't the case here. You love your H and your H loves you. You can't deny it. True love is a rare find... don't throw it away for a smooth talking physical trainer!

[GreenEyedLady]

It's good to have you back! How's it going RG?

[ratingsguy]

It's good to have you back! How's it going RG?

 

Hey GEL! Not bad... my situation seems to get better every day. The living arrangements with my MW and her H seem to be working pretty well now that they're separated. She won't let me spend the night just yet, and I understand (her and H go back and forth between the two homes they own). We're seeing each other more, and the plan is for me to "surface" in late March/early April. What I mean by that is that's when she's going to start telling her friends that she's met someone (me!) and hopefully things go well. I'm sure there'll be some bumps in the road, but we're prepared. She thought that revealing me any sooner would make people think that she left her H just to be with me (which is untrue), and rightfully so. When I "surface" (don't know what else to call it!) I think I'm going to be a little hesitant about people's reactions to our age difference... she's 46 and I'm 31. But I think most people will be supportive. How have you been?

[GreenEyedLady]

That's almost the age difference between me and mine...I don't think people will care much...the people who know them will be aware that something was wrong for awhile...but good for you! I'm glad things are getting better and better! The plan sounds pretty good!

 

I've been pretty good myself...my situation is getting better, he's surprised me ALOT this holiday season, but I won't be completely happy until he's single...

 

P.S. You should enable your PM now...

[puddleofmud]

We could all be placed in a situation of unnecessary temptation by any charming individual who flirts "with intention". What is new about that?

This is an age old place of courtship!

No one said that every flirty person is honest much less HONORABLE.

And no one said that one wouldn't feel good about being flirted with.

And no one said one can't be fooled.

Point is, that flirting is just what it IS--it's never about LOVE or marriage--it's mostly about attraction and for the mere fun of attraction!

If one sees flirting as any thing other than that then one may wish to, um, revisit their, um, perceptions of, um, reality.

 

I hear what your'e saying PoM and I agree on alot of aspects but the distinction has to be made between flirting and flirting with intention. Clearly this lady's physical therapist is flirting with intention and if the other party is not accessible it should not be done as it puts the unavailable party in a situation of unnecessary temptation. How easy it is to be flattered and moved and have unfulfilled desires inflamed by this attention even if it is 'harmless'. I had a MM flirt with me by giving me those groin-melting looks across the office, cheeky emails and sending me songs then after a few wines at the bar after work I found myself walking to catch up to him at the station only to throw myself at him when I did, thinking he'd reciprocate - sure it was a stoopid move and one that surprised even him even though the whole night he'd been gazing into my eyes intermittently as if the workmates around us didn't exist. After the move and the following Monday he vehemently denied ever flirting with me or encouraging me - who is to blame here? He was so obviously giving me sexual come-on signals - I don't care what ppl are like in Scandanavia where he comes from lol but you just don't put ppl in that situation - I have no doubt he never wanted anything physical to happen - well yay for him he got a girl 12yrs his junior to throw herself at a married man - I was made to want him that much. And I have to admit I never even noticed this man till one day I noticed him staring at the back of my head at work - so even though willpower is the go and you say nothing is intended by innocent flirting PoM, it can be very misleading and hurtful and deceptive when it backfires - yes.

[jjrn]

Hi, I just need to clear something up here, a couple of you are saying this MM I am speaking of is my "personal trainer" - ok, he IS NOT a personal trainer AT ALL - OF ANY SORT - he is a dr., my dr., and that is how we met - well, actually, we met through my H. Ok, so he is NOT a personal trainer!!!! When we met, we found out we belonged to the same gym, he then switched gyms, told me he had switched gyms, and practically begged me to join the gym he switched to!

 

So, just wanting to make this clear - that he is not a physical trainer!!!!

[ratingsguy]

P.S. You should enable your PM now...

 

It's enabled!