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MW considering affair with MM


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yeah. The title of this is all i need to express how messed up the whole thing is. I havn't done anything yet but i am very intriged at the proposition. I am also the type that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love my husband. I do not want a divorce.

 

He loves his wife and doesn't want a divorce. But we find our selves in the same place in that we aren't getting our sexual needs met. We are friends and have been entertaining the idea of just meeting our unmet needs together. If that makes any sense. so I am asking for anyone with experiance with this sittuation. Does it work? is it more hurt then help in the end?

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torranceshipman

Listen, read a load of the posts on this board, and see how many people get badly hurt by these things. If you are really unhappy in your marriage, then leave your husband and you're free to get any needs met by anyone you choose - if you think there's something there worth saving, then try your best to save it, and don't start this affair.

 

It's funny that you say you love your husband, yet you're about to cheat and lie to him for the forseeable future - how does that work, seriously?

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What torranceshipman said plus you're in for a world of hurt if you have an affair. Don't trust me on this just read a few dozen posts on LS about the hell into which others have unwittingly descended while getting their needs met.

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whichwayisup

Do you have children? Does he? This is another factor which comes into play.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your husband or get a divorce, so the only way to prevent that is DO NOT have sex with that MM.

 

It is understandable at some point couples go through dry spells or later into the marriage the sex isn't as intense or mindblowing as it was in the beginning. That happens, it's just a fact! But what you can do is spice things up by reconnecting with your husband. Making special time for him, go on a long weekend getaway. A bed'n'breakfast, maybe?

 

After you read some threads in this section, wander over to the infidelity section and read about the pain betrayed spouses go through after finding out about their cheating spouse. Maybe if you understand their pain, see what it does to the WHOLE family, then you'll decide not to have an affair. Too many innocent people are going to get hurt by selfish choices...

 

Good luck and I really hope you focus on your marriage, try to make things better and more exciting. Seek marriage counselling if you need to.

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Well, it's a gamble to cheat. The costs depend on a host of factors: whether you're discovered; whether one or both of you fall in love; how well you both cope with the inevitable guilt and shreded marital intimacy; the ages of your children (if any). (In a way, one cheats on her or his entire family (not just spouse) when straying).

 

The benefits are well established: magnum sex; the warm rich feeling of being desired and desiring; the tantalizing excitement of the new;the return of untrammeled passion; great sex (sorry, I said that).

 

The decision is yours. If you elect to play, however, be careful. Great orgasms are worth only so much.

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whichwayisup
Great orgasms are worth only so much.

 

Excellent point.

 

If you're willing to throw away your husband, your marriage, your house, your comfortable lifestyle, the in-laws, friends and neighbours - EVERYTHING that you know and love FOR some HOT sex with another married person - GO for it. Be that selfish...BUT, I really think you don't want to lose all that...So, really consider what everybody is saying, do alot of thinking and remember, if you DO decide to go through with it, you have noone to blame but yourself if and when you get caught. Stand up and take FULL responsibility and be accountable for your actions.

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"If you're willing to throw away your husband, your marriage, your house, your comfortable lifestyle, the in-laws, friends and neighbours - EVERYTHING that you know and love FOR some HOT sex with another married person - GO for it."

 

 

It's can be a brutal trade-off. There ain't no free lunch. So be prepared to pay, if you decide to play. And you will pay because no Affair lasts forever. The good times always end.

 

Good luck.

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whichwayisup

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Please read this thread. It's by DazednConfused. His wife cheated on him and in his thread you can read and understand what HE went through as a betrayed spouse. The depression, dealing with the fallout of his wife's affair.

 

It is a long one, so take your time. Then, after reading, decide if you want to inflict this sort of pain on your husband and children if you have any.

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The best thing to do is tell your husband how you are feeling. Some of the appeal of an affair is the excitement and secrecy. If your husband knows that you are attracted to another man, many things will happen.

 

- He will trust you since you have been honest with him

- It will open up the lines of communication so that you can try and fix the problems in your marriage

- It will remove the excitement factor from the possible affair (very hard to have an affair when you husband knows)

- It will save you much heartache

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Your question - is it more hurt than help....?

 

You've already answered your own question - if you choose to listen to it. You already realize that there's a possibility for hurt - for you, him, your family, husband, his wife, his family, etc. so the chance of getting hurt is there. But, let's break this down.... really, at this point (and I don't mean to sound harsh, truly) the only hurt you're really thinking about right now is your's. Can you get hurt? Answer: yes, unless you have the ultimate ability to keep all your secrets to yourself and not let anyone else even have a hint that anything's different. And you also have the ability to hold your heart in complete control and not develop feelings for someone which you've become intimate with.

 

You said that you wear your heart on your sleeve. My instinct is that you don't have the ability to accomplish the 2 things listed above. Consequently, you're gonna get found out. Who's going to get hurt then? Your husband? Maybe, unless he decides that you're not the woman he wants to be with and bails out on the marriage (the marriage you busted apart). Then who's hurt?

 

OK, then the next hurdle.. and it's a doozy.... the great, fabulous, mindblowing, passionate sex that is the hallmark of an affair. I'm an OW and I can tell you that it was and has been the best sex of my life. Unbelievable. The intimacy that grows between 2 people committing the taboo act and sharing their secret is intoxicating. In fact, my MM left his wife a year ago and we've been together since then (on & off, through our own drama). However, a few months ago everything settled down into a normal relationship and now it feels like he's not feeling so excited over me anymore. The sex is not as forbidden, etc. It's not cooled off for me, but... I can't help how he feels. I digress, though. My point is that the sex may just be that. Incredible because of the circumstances.

 

So, do you really want to explore a sexual intimacy with a man that does not know and love you like your husband? Does this OM really get your juices flowing or is it just the strangeness and newness of someone else desiring you? Really ask yourself if the orgasm you could and would have with this man would really fulfill you? Or would it not just make you feel bad because you can't share that intimacy with your husband?

 

The hurdle is making the leap of faith and telling your husband that you find your sex life unfulfilling but you are willing, ready and able to spice things up. Men like to be told what to do, especially when it comes to sex. They like to lead in most areas but in the bedroom, they like to be ordered around as if they are your love slave. (I'm not talking about S&M or bondage or dominatrix stuff, just some talk like yes, yes, there, I love that, do that to me, etc.) They want to feel important and needed but it's a rare man that can admit he wants to used in bed. They think it but don't say it. OK, yes there are exceptions but try something different. Try anything, just don't resort to the affair.

 

I promise you, GUARANTEE YOU, it will not turn out as you picture it right now. Take that to the bank.

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BenThereDunThat

I can't add anything except to just reiterate what everyone here has told you. It is NOT worth it. NO GOOD will come from it. It's NEVER just as simple as two people getting their physical needs met. EVER.

 

Ending up with heartache is only the least of it. There is so much damage to be made, damage to so many people, and YOU will be the one that ends up feeling like you're walking around with a big, red A on you. Not him. You.

 

Chances are you will get caught. Don't kid yourself on this. People in affairs have an insane tendancy to think they're somehow invisible at times. So, when you do get caught, and if you're lucky enough to have your husband forgive you - think about how long you will have to spend gaining his trust back....

 

Don't.Do.It.

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i have to say i agree with everyone else here. i am involved with a MM. i am not married, but i feel so much guilt over this. i fell in love with him, this is something i didnt expect. there are so many people that will be hurt, and this hurt doesnt go away with a couple i'm sorry's, it will be there forever. i am sure his W will discover what has been going on soon, these things always get found out at some point. if i had known the pain involved with this type of R ahead of time i would never have done this. please talk to your husband like everyone else has said and try to work things out between the two of you. dont bring someone else into your life unless you accept and can handle all of the pain and anguish you will feel over what it will do to your mind and heart. the sex is just not worth your sanity.

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whichwayisup

Or the other option is, both you and the MM leave your spouses. Get a divorce and start over. But, something tells me that isn't really an option nor a desire for either of you.

 

Good luck and I mirror again what everybody else has said...Really read the repsonses you've been given and read Dazed's thread so you can see the damage you'd be doing to your husband IF you choose to cheat on him.

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yeah. The title of this is all i need to express how messed up the whole thing is. I havn't done anything yet but i am very intriged at the proposition. I am also the type that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love my husband. I do not want a divorce.

 

He loves his wife and doesn't want a divorce. But we find our selves in the same place in that we aren't getting our sexual needs met. We are friends and have been entertaining the idea of just meeting our unmet needs together. If that makes any sense. so I am asking for anyone with experiance with this sittuation. Does it work? is it more hurt then help in the end?

 

Hi Guest,

 

NOT a good idea! Nothing good can come from this, just HURT! You probably should end the friendship now FOR GOOD because you both could ruin your lives very easily.

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I love my husband. I do not want a divorce.

 

But we find our selves in the same place in that we aren't getting our sexual needs met.

 

Why is your first thought to have an affair to get sex? Have you tried anything else with your H to get your sex life back? Have you talked with him, gone to marriage counseling together, tried to find out if there is a physical or chemical reason why he's no longer interested in sex?

 

Age can do all kinds of things to a man's physical ability to have and sustain an erection, and some men are too embarrassed to talk about it or get treatment. Depression or other mental and emotional issues (and medications), can also inhibit a man's sex drive.

 

An affair is not your only option, and it's most certainly the worst option you can take for everyone involved.

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GreenEyedLady

I agree with what everyone's said...An A is not a good idea, especially if you love your H...pay close attention to NJ's post...it's good advice how to get your sex life back on track...Good luck...

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I agree with what everyone's said...An A is not a good idea, especially if you love your H...pay close attention to NJ's post...it's good advice how to get your sex life back on track...Good luck...

 

 

Yo! Ditto...... Listen to these people on here, go, and tell your husband that you're thinking about riding some other man. This will be A WAKE UP CALL to your husband about your needs. If he's having a hard time performing (No pun intended), DRAG his butt into the Doctors office and get him meds, there's all kinds nowadays, haven't you seen all the commercials? If he's too embarrased, think of how embarrased he will feel when he finds out, and they almost ALWAYS do. So, go and reread the responses, do ya still wanna hurt him that this?:sick:

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Please listen to what others are saying! Personally, I would choose to never have another lover as opposed to the MM I had a three year relationship!

The cost is exactly THAT HIGH!

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scaredinlove
yeah. The title of this is all i need to express how messed up the whole thing is. I havn't done anything yet but i am very intriged at the proposition. I am also the type that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love my husband. I do not want a divorce.

 

He loves his wife and doesn't want a divorce. But we find our selves in the same place in that we aren't getting our sexual needs met. We are friends and have been entertaining the idea of just meeting our unmet needs together. If that makes any sense. so I am asking for anyone with experiance with this sittuation. Does it work? is it more hurt then help in the end?

 

Read my posts and that will change your mind. It is not pretty and I know you have no clue how crazy people will go and how much pain you will cause. I wish someone had told me that when it all started. It is a very bad situation.If you love your H try to work things out, if you don't walk away. Trust me you don't want to travel this road.

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