Has anyone been to therapy?

[Tough Girl]

Therapy - in my experience for discussion OW issues is a total crock!

 

I had posted about 4 weeks ago - my former MM and I are now engaged (as of Christmas! ), but there continues to be major issues with the ex-W and his teenaged children. I sought out a therapist to help me get over the guilt issues related to how our relationship began and to also gain some kind of perspective to help me accept the kids (rotten teenaged behavior and their hatred of me).

 

I have spent the last 2 years feeling completely wretched and guilty. I have accepted the ex-W's stalking and harassment because I think that I have felt it was my "just rewards". But I have reached a breaking point - thus the therapist.

 

But get this...the therapist told me that I need to empathize with the ex-W more (like I haven't been punishing myself constantly for her hurt feelings). My assignment is to write down 5 things that I would have done if I were in her shoes. The therapist also explained that women will naturally side with the ex-W..."her husband left her for a professional, younger, thinner woman and they will all feel like theirs will do the same. Thus women will frown upon you." (It came off as if the therapist were in that camp - I started crying at this point).

 

Additionally, she told me that it was an inappropriate time to get engaged - the kids did not appear to be ready. Wow, I think we will never be getting married if we wait until the kids like me.

 

I also am assigned the role as "coach" to my now-fiance (former MM) to help him repair his relationship with the kids. As a woman, I think I may be more in tune with how his teenage daughter may be thinking, but I honestly cannot stand her and her tyrades about me most of the time - I find it very difficult to think that I am supposed to be the one to help fix his relationship with her (yeah, it would be nice if I could, but I can barely keep myself together).

 

So question for all of you - have any of you sought therapy and had success? Or is it a case where those who have not walked in the shoes of the OW/OM cannot keep themselves from passing judgement? Because I would love some unbiased help to get me through this.

[sadbuttrue]

it sounds to me like your therapist may have some bias here. i think it is extremely difficult for those people who have not been in our situation to understand the emotional ramifications that come with it. although therapists do help people deal with all kinds of problems that they have not experienced themselves, i think in this situation, that of an OW, some therapists may have difficulty understanding us and giving good advice. i have considered therapy, but i too feel that i will be judged and the therapist will only want to set me on the "right" path.

[frannie]

Hello there. I'm not sure if you fit into the 'childless stepmum' category (or stepmum-to-be) but you're probably facing the same kinds of problems that are discussed on other forums.

 

I hope I'm not breaking any LS rules by posting it; I've had a look and can't see any obvious advertising on it, so anyway, it may help!

 

Other than that, where therapy is concerned: A lot of people seem to have problems finding a therapist who is right for them, and this woman seems to be rubbing you the wrong way. Therapists aren't always 'right'... so, if she's not helping, why not switch? I don't see why other women would naturally side with the ex-W... says who? And is she saying things like 'perhaps reconsidering the time-line for marriage..' or categorical statements about 'it's too early'..?

 

On the other hand, therapy is a pretty difficult thing to go through, especially if it's working... we have to face all kinds of things about ourselves that aren't pretty, and that's tough! I just wonder whether you're possibly facing Too Many Problems all at once, hence the crying during the session? Getting engaged, problems with his ex, problems with his children rejecting you... no wonder you're feeling down.

 

There's no reason why people HAVE to be biased against you because your relationship started out as an affair. Could be this therapist has had a problem in her own past and hasn't really got past it herself... who knows? Was she recommended to you?

[lawyer83]

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a horrible time. I can't comment on therapy because I haven't gone for OW issues, but your therapist sounds like she has too much of an emotional investment in the situation. Perhaps she doesn't realize that her own biases are impacting the quality of service she's providing you with. I would look for another therapist if I were you, someone who is more sympathetic to your plight.

I'm going through a somewhat similar situation myself, and a few things have really helped me:

1.) I have my own life. You have to remember to take the time to do at least one thing you enjoy on a daily basis. Listen to music, go walking, take an exercise class, read a good book (at a bookstore somewhere if necessary).

2.) I have a lot of anger towards my fiancee's ex because she keeps acting out. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy is a cognitive behavioral therapy self-help book, and it contains a lot of tips and exercises that helped me curb my own anger. I still get angry about ther behavior, and the way my fiancee wants to sweep everything she does under the rug, but I no longer explode over it. I know that I have options; I can see it through and hope it gets better, or I can leave/take a break, or I can make the situation worse by exploding every time she does something spiteful. See my post on Ex-Wife creating drama. Right now my fiancee and I are having a truce about his ex, we won't be arguing about anything she's done because we've agreed not to discuss her at all for the next 3 weeks. I know it's not a long-term solution, but I needed a break from all the drama. His ex is always doing something, and my fiancee makes a lot of excuses for her behavior due to his own guilt for leaving her. Contrary to poplular belief, men who leave do feel guilty.

3.) I heard there's a book on Amazon entitled How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce. I haven't read it myself, but perhaps it could be helpful to you.

[Tough Girl]

it sounds to me like your therapist may have some bias here. i think it is extremely difficult for those people who have not been in our situation to understand the emotional ramifications that come with it. although therapists do help people deal with all kinds of problems that they have not experienced themselves, i think in this situation, that of an OW, some therapists may have difficulty understanding us and giving good advice. i have considered therapy, but i too feel that i will be judged and the therapist will only want to set me on the "right" path.

 

Agreed, although I am very dissappointed to have found this out. In my own experience, every single person that has not gone through this situation, tends to think that the OW are some blood sucking b*tches who zero'd in on another woman's husband and would not take "no" for an answer. I wish that were the case - it would mean that I would have been more in control of what was happening. In truth and no matter how lame it sounds, the situation just happened...and then cascaded out of control.

 

I know a lot of people on this website would envy this position - my MM and I ended up together...but it does mean that there is no "putting it behind me". I have to face the consequences of our choice to get involved with each other every day - ex-W drama, mean teenagers, community gossip. And sometimes it is just so terrible to be so hated.

[Art_Critic]

his teenaged children.

 

 

help me accept the kids (rotten teenaged behavior and their hatred of me)..

 

 

Additionally, she told me that it was an inappropriate time to get engaged - the kids did not appear to be ready. Wow, I think we will never be getting married if we wait until the kids like me.

 

 

but I honestly cannot stand her and her tyrades about me most of the time - I find it very difficult to think that I am supposed to be the one to help fix his relationship with her (yeah, it would be nice if I could, but I can barely keep myself together).

 

 

 

You are not ready to be his child's Step Mother and the Step Mother of those kids..

 

Until you change your attitude toward children that would become yours you are never going to get anywhere with getting married.

 

I'm glad you sought therapy as it shows that you want this to work but you need to realize your FULL position in becoming his wife.. and that would include being A PARENT to his children..

 

It sounds like you are not ready to be married to him yet.. I agree that becoming engaged with so much happening inside the relationships was not good timing..but no sense in crying over spilled milk..

You are engaged.. work from there

 

Wow, I think we will never be getting married if we wait until the kids like me.

I agree with your own statement here.. you shouldn't get married until you are accepted by the kids.. maybe things won't be all peaches and cream but you don't seem to care anything about the kids and what they are going thru. you seem to only care about yourself.

 

I have been to child therapy as someone who once was married to a woman with a child that rejected me.. I won over the child with patience and love.. not anger and selfishness.

Affairs and infidelity were not a factor in my marriage or engagement but it still remains I had to deal with the rejection the same as you are going to have to deal with ..

[frannie]

I wish that were the case - it would mean that I would have been more in control of what was happening. In truth and no matter how lame it sounds, the situation just happened...and then cascaded out of control.

 

I know a lot of people on this website would envy this position - my MM and I ended up together...but it does mean that there is no "putting it behind me". I have to face the consequences of our choice to get involved with each other every day - ex-W drama, mean teenagers, community gossip. And sometimes it is just so terrible to be so hated.

 

Well, you may not feel you have (or had) much control in the situation, but you did make a choice, and now you have to choose how you're going to proceed..? You sound very adversarial about everything... and it's not going to make it any easier. People will blame you, his children will blame you... maybe for a long time, maybe forever. But that's something you have taken on by accepting this position. And yes, a lot of people would say you were lucky, but ... it's easy looking from the outside.

 

Even on that forum I suggested to you, there's a sector of people who think anyone who was involved with the man before divorce are somehow getting everything they deserve when they face problems from the children, and that there are other stepmothers who are 'innocent'. You will just have to accept that that's how some people see the world. You can rise above it. It is possible to deal with the situation if you have support. That includes support from your future partner... how is he dealing with it all..? You say nothing about him.

[Touche]

Who in their right mind would envy your situation? Sorry, but I had to laugh at that one.

 

I've been in your shoes TWICE, as far as the stepkid thing goes. I have never had an affair though and I can't imagine how difficult your situation must be. I mean it's difficult enough when there's NO affair and there are kids involved. So I really can't fathom how hard it must going through what you're going through.

 

My advice? Keep your therapist. She's telling you the truth. You WILL be judged for a time. In time, you will gain the acceptance you seek. You'll have to earn it though. Why look for someone who will sugarcoat things?

 

My second piece of advice is to wait until these kids are 18. Won't they be in college or on their own by then. Your contact with them will be more limited at that time I would think.

 

It may take YEARS before you're fully accepted by them. And you really can't blame them for that...whether you think it's justified or not.

 

So do yourself a favor and wait a little longer for marriage if you want things to go as smoothly as they can go in this complicated situation. I agree with the therapist.

[pureinheart]

Hey TG,

 

So, so sorry you are going through all of this...in my case, ex-MM's kids did not like me either, and did some horrible things, it was due to their poor upbringing. Had I gotten together with him, I would have nothing to do with his kids at all, at least not until they could act like decent human beings (which I seriously doubt could ever happen).

 

I thought I read that they are in their teens?

 

Why are so many "kids" "teens" getting involved in negative ways in other peoples lives? I never got into my parents business, why? BECAUSE I WAS THE KID AND THEY WERE THE PARENTS! Kids aren't raised right these days.

 

The kids will side with their mother and if they see her doing weird things and not acting right then that is what their patterns will be. I always told my kids, don't side with me, side with the truth.

 

The W and kids are not your problem, they are former MM's problem...you have taken too much on your shoulders trying to do what is right. Please don't let W and kids control your life!

[pureinheart]

P.S.

 

The "therapist" wants you to remain a "victim", and continue to be victimized by people that aren't right in the head.

[Touche]

When you're married you don't live in a vacuum. Your spouse's problems become yours as well.

[pureinheart]

I came from a situation that involved a stepmother and stepfather...the kids are the issues of the mother and father....there is only so far a stepparent should go....if the kids don't want any relationship then stay out of it and let the father take care of it.

 

It's not being in a vaccuum it's having knowledge of what you can change and what you cannot change and knowing when to let go.

[Art_Critic]

The W and kids are not your problem, they are former MM's problem...you have taken too much on your shoulders trying to do what is right. Please don't let W and kids control your life!

 

while I agree that the ExW should not control your life I disagree with your assessment that the kids don't factor into her future..

 

They most certainly do .. She would be their Step Mother and be living in the same household.

To ignore that simple fact will do nothing but create more problems.

 

I think the OP's therapist is right on traaget and also disagree that the therapist wants her to continue to be victimized.. that is just nuts..

 

If the OP feels the therapist isn't right for her then she needs to find another but she will hear the same things from another one.

 

I think the fact that the OP is even going to a therapist speaks volumes.. She is looking to make this work.. She wants everything to be okay and is looking for a resolution to create a harmonious household.

[Touche]

Have to agree with Art on this one.

 

I've been/am a stepdaughter AND a stepmom. So I have some experience with this. You can't just step back and let the parents handle it if you have any hopes of making this work. As step parents we have to make the effort to bond with the kids on our own. The parents can help with that of course. But you cann't just quietly be in the background when they're around. It's not fair to you and it's really not fair to anyone.

 

I still advise you wait until they're out on their own since they're already teenagers. Why make this any more difficult than it already is?

[Tough Girl]

Hey TG,

 

So, so sorry you are going through all of this...in my case, ex-MM's kids did not like me either, and did some horrible things, it was due to their poor upbringing. Had I gotten together with him, I would have nothing to do with his kids at all, at least not until they could act like decent human beings (which I seriously doubt could ever happen).

 

I thought I read that they are in their teens?

 

Why are so many "kids" "teens" getting involved in negative ways in other peoples lives? I never got into my parents business, why? BECAUSE I WAS THE KID AND THEY WERE THE PARENTS! Kids aren't raised right these days.

 

The kids will side with their mother and if they see her doing weird things and not acting right then that is what their patterns will be. I always told my kids, don't side with me, side with the truth.

 

The W and kids are not your problem, they are former MM's problem...you have taken too much on your shoulders trying to do what is right. Please don't let W and kids control your life!

 

Right, the main issue is with his daughter, who is almost 19.

 

I understand the perspective of those above, but I am not sure how much I can actually do. With their age, they definitely do not need me to be a mother to them. I am hoping for friend, or at least tolerable person across the dinner table once a month.

 

Do I sound adversarial? I don't have that intention, but I guess the situation is really getting to me.

 

And in reply to the critic who said that I am only focusing on myself? No, but I spent two years trying to help the MM understand how he was impacting his kids and to try and repair damage, definitely taking a lot of the flak. I decided this year that I am not going to keep taking the punishment - I can't.

[pureinheart]

We can't fix other people or their screwed up situations, that is what a control freak does....all we can do it fix ourselves.

[herenow]

Therapy will do no good if you don't like the therapist.

 

However, if your dislike of her comes from not liking what she has to say, then therapy may not help you at all.

 

My therapist tells me things I don't want to hear, but she also says that I don't have to agree with her. She guides me and I take what I need from the sessions and leave what I find to be not helpful.

 

If a therapist only tells you what you want to hear and agrees with you at every turn, you are wasting your money.

[Touche]

We can't fix other people or their screwed up situations, that is what a control freak does....all we can do it fix ourselves and I think the therapist is wrong....are you a control freak? It sure does sound like it

 

Not sure to whom you are directing your remarks but I've never thought of myself as a control freak for trying to forge a relationship with my stepson and with my stepdaughter with my ex. It's called being part of a family. It's called stepping up to the plate and not slinking off and running from one's issues like a coward.

 

Of course, all we can do is fix ourselves. We agree on that. But part of "fixing ourselves" is learning to open up to others and learning to create an open and warm environment. Understanding will come from that if it's handled right.

 

So if I'm a "control freak" for trying (and succeeding twice I might add) to forge a relationship with my husband's kid, then call me a control freak all you want. Better than being called a coward.

[pureinheart]

Not sure to whom you are directing your remarks but I've never thought of myself as a control freak for trying to forge a relationship with my stepson and with my stepdaughter with my ex. It's called being part of a family. It's called stepping up to the plate and not slinking off and running from one's issues like a coward.

 

Of course, all we can do is fix ourselves. We agree on that. But part of "fixing ourselves" is learning to open up to others and learning to create an open and warm environment. Understanding will come from that if it's handled right.

 

So if I'm a "control freak" for trying (and succeeding twice I might add) to forge a relationship with my husband's kid, then call me a control freak all you want. Better than being called a coward.

 

For the record was directing this to AC....in some situations the kids do not want a R with stepparent, I say respect that....especially if the W is messing with the kids too.

[Touche]

For the record was directing this to AC....in some situations the kids do not want a R with stepparent, I say respect that....especially if the W is messing with the kids too.

 

Ok, I still wanted to get that out there though but I agree with you. You can't push these things. It's a delicate dance. You don't want to be too pushy but retreating completely isn't the answer either. You have to be accessible and friendly without coming on too strong. It's not easy let me tell you. You have to keep your wits about you and be calm. You can't let them see that they're getting to you. And I think OP is at that point.

[pureinheart]

For the record also....everybody has a right to their opinion....I see more than not in this forum when an opinion is given it will be "quoted" and then the critism starts, and it's usually critical and demeaning. As if their opinion is right....that is a control freak

[pureinheart]

Ok, I still wanted to get that out there though but I agree with you. You can't push these things. It's a delicate dance. You don't want to be too pushy but retreating completely isn't the answer either. You have to be accessible and friendly without coming on too strong. It's not easy let me tell you. You have to keep your wits about you and be calm. You can't let them see that they're getting to you. And I think OP is at that point.

 

I have dealt with situations that will never change....will be there if they choose. I think in most cases, if you stay out of the way, eventually the curiosity will be great and they will seek you out. I am really happy about your situation and glad most is well....you are one of the lucky ones!

[Touche]

I have dealt with situations that will never change....will be there if they choose. I think in most cases, if you stay out of the way, eventually the curiosity will be great and they will seek you out. I am really happy about your situation and glad most is well....you are one of the lucky ones!

 

Thanks and I guess some of it is luck. But not all. Being smart has something to do with it too;)

 

As far as the whole opinion thing...well we all think our opinions are the "right" ones. So what? There's room for everyone's on forums like this.

[kymberann]

My assignment is to write down 5 things that I would have done if I were in her shoes.

 

I am sorry I haven't read this entire thread yet, but I am a therapist and I have to disagree with this. Bash me if you want, but you are the patient, not the ex w. The session should revolve around you and your growth,needs/insight and not what you would have done if you were in her shoes. I think that just promotes a certain transference on your part.

 

Ok now reading the rest!

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree with Kymber...your therapist is there to listen and help you...

 

I can't believe that YOU would be the COACH to help your man and his daughter's R...this is between them...you should SUPPORT, but they are the only ones who can heal it...I think your input could be seen as an intrusion by the kids who you've said already don't like you...

 

I think you should try another therapist who can help you in a way that will help you grow...