Ex-wife is creating Drama...

[lawyer83]

Please don't be too judgmental to my situation. Actually, you don't have to respond at all. I'm just ranting because I have a lot of stuff on my mind, and this is how I'd like to get it off of my chest...

 

 

I am engaged to a man that I love very dearly. Dan(fictitious name), and I met and fell in love while he was going through a difficult divorce.

Backstory: When I met him his marriage had been over for 2 years, his W had asked him for a divorce 2 years earlier but he had been dragging his feet about it. I'd like to mention the fact that in the 2 years before he met me, while he was dragging his feet on the divorce, he had taken to seeing a lot of different women. He didn't cheat on his ex before she asked for the divorce, but after she asked for the divorce he considered their relationship to be over.

Last Fall: We met, and fell in love and he finally filed for divorce from her within a month of meeting me. A few weeks after he filed for divorce from her, he asked me to marry him.

 

She calls his office, and emails him almost on a weekly basis now; before she might have contacted him once, or twice a month.

I guess my problem is that he seems like he is more sensitive to her feelings now than he was when I met him, and it really bothers me. He also has a tendency to makes excuses for her behavior.

 

This woman attempted to blackmail him. She threatened to email his family, friends, and colleauges and tell all of them about the women he'd had before agreeing to the divorce if he didn't meet her financial demands. She wasn't threatening to tell them about me because he'd never attempted to hide our relationship from his family or friends. She wanted him to agree to pay her alimony , and child support on the order of $2,000 a month for 5 years. She wanted child support for 5 years, even though they never had any childrens together; she has a daughter from a previous relationship (her kid has a dead beat dad). She wanted alimony for 5 years, but they'd only been married for 5 years total when he filed; besides that she has a job, and they hadn't been cohabitating for 3 years.

Thankfully he didn't give into her demands, if he had I'd have lost all respect for him. However, he did end up giving her a more than generous divorce settlement. She got 1/2 of the part of his retirement fund acquired acduring their marriage, which was rather substantial, and $600 a month for one year.

She'd also attempted to use her daughter as a pawn to get money out of him last spring. She threatened to put her daughter in public school if he didn't give her more money. Told him that if he hadn't been such a terrible husband, and father then her daughter wouldn't have to suffer like this. Terrible father my a**, he's done more for her daughter than the child's real father ever has and it's not even his kid. He didn't give into her demands on this issue either, and her daughter is still in the expensive boarding school that he's paying for.

When the divorce was finalized, I thought good riddance. I thought we were finally rid of this woman, but now he wants to be keep in touch with her, at least via email. He says that he needs to make sure that her daughter is always okay, and well taken care of; and he also wants her to inform him if her daughter needs something, or if something happens to the child. He's known her daughter since she was a little girl, and he loves her like she was his own.

He's been very forgiving of all the things his ex has tried to do. He doesn't judge her, or blame her for trying to bust his balls, or for trying to use his love for her daughter against him. Instead he keeps trying to convince me why I should see past the things she's done. He's even started to make excuses for her behavior. She tried to blackmail him, but he says "she was just lashing out because she was hurt, and besides we can't blame her for trying to assure that her own finances were taken care of". My question is why was she so hurt when she was finally getting exactly what she'd asked him for all along?

The ex had been on her best behaviour for a few months up until she found out about our engagement. I get the impression that she's finally realized that this isn't really what she wanted after all. He keeps claiming that his ex doesn't care about him, or our relationship, and that she was just interested in the money. Well, I think she still does care about him. When he told her about his plans to marry me, she emailed as many of his relatives as she could to let them know that "Dan" was bringing his pregnant fiancee home for the holidays. Well, I am his fiancee, but I'm not pregnant; but that's a moot point because even if I were pregnant it wouldn't be up to her to notify his family about it. Why would she do soemthing like that if she didn't care? He was pretty pissed off at her for doing it,and I thought okay he's finally seeing her for the person she really is. But, then she apologized, and made up some story about one of his ex's calling her house and telling her daughter(her daughter from a previous relationship; not related to him at all)about our engagement and about us having a baby on the way. I personally think that the story was completely made up, and she just used this story about her daughter to get him to feel sympathetic towards her after she'd lashed out once again. I just don't get why he would want to keep this woman in his life. She's bound to have another outburst once it gets closer to our wedding day.

And, another thing: I honestly think that, the only reason she apologized was because he assured her that I was on my period. Yes, he actually emailed her a note saying something like:" WTF are you talking about? I know she's not pregnant because she's on her period right now."

Why couldn't he have just said: "She's not pregnant, but even if she were what you did was out of line?" What she did was stupid and childish, and that's just the type of behaviour I've come to expect from her. But, now I'm really pissed at him. I'm pissed that he would tell her when I'm on my period, and I'm pissed that he still feels the need to mollify his ex, even when he knows that she has done something wrong. And,I'm really tired of hearing him make all of these excuses for her behavior. She was wrong, no-one held a gun to her head and told her to act like an a**.

 

Okay, she is currently seeing a therapist, and she's probably on antidepressants, because even she knows that she's off her rocker, but does that mean that her ex(the man I'm supposed to be marrying) should be extra forgiving whenever she acts out like this? If he feels so guilty for giving her exactly what she asked for, then maybe they need to get back together and leave me out of it. I've told him time, and time again that I'd pack up and leave if he wanted to get back with her, and I wouldn't make him feel bad about it either. I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too. Dan keeps assuring me that he doesn't want to be with her, and he's even willing to admit that he made a big mistake when he married her. A mistake which he feels like he's going to have to spend the rest of his life paying for. He doesn't want to be with her, but he also still cares about her, and doesn't want anything bad to happen to her, or her daughter. He actually once told me that he still loves her like a sister. Yes, he is actually that clueless.

I'm at my wits end because I really do not know what to do, and I'm definitely not into all of this drama. I just want to be happy with the man I love. Why is it that marrying a man with a past means marrying his past as well? I don't know if I can marry him if this keeps up. I love him, but I don't want to get married just to get divorced. He's been married twice before, and I don't want to end up being the third woman to ask him for a divorce. I want to be the last woman he marries.

He would like to get married before June 2007, however, I'm thinking that's way too soon. He hasn't fully worked through the emotional baggage he's collected during his last marriage, and it's going to take a lot longer than 6 months to work through all of this mess.

[frannie]

Is there any reason why you need to get married before you've had chance to settle all this in your mind, and for him to stabilise the situation with his ex-wife..?

 

When you get involved with a man with an (ex)-wife and children it's never going to be like it's just the two of you. As I understand it, if he was married to her, he has parental responsibility for the child, who is his daughter. And even if that wasn't the case, he evidently feels very strongly that he wants to provide materially and in terms of support and continued contact with her. That's just the way it's going to be, and dealing with his ex-wife the best way he knows how is something you will have to accept if you want to be involved with him. Hope I'm not sounding harsh there, just stating the facts, as you probably know.

 

I can understand how hard it must be for you. I know quite a few people in this situation and I'm not looking forward to being in it myself (IF things all go according to plan). The only thing I can advise is that you give him the benefit of the doubt... he's divorced her, and he's with you now. The only thing you will do by constantly complaining about how he handles this situation is drive a wedge between the two of you. If you love him, try to support him, even if you think she's getting the upper hand and you feel a loss of respect for him... It's a terribly difficult time for him now.

 

Of course it's a difficult time for you too!!!! It would have driven me nuts to to have my personal issues discussed with another woman! As you say, it's not her business. I would say that if it's driving you too crazy to watch this, perhaps step back and make some time for yourself in some way. Ask yourself some serious questions about the future (which you sound like you're doing anyway). And remember that you only have to go at your own pace - what is the rush..?

[lawyer83]

Frannie,

Thank you for all of your honesty, and candor. I've read your responses on both posts, and I'd just like to say that I really appreciate non-judgmental responses. And, I don't think you were too harsh at all, you were just being realistic.

In answer to your questions:

1.)Why does he feel the need to rush?

2.)Did he rush into his second marriage too..?

 

The answers are:

1.) He doesn't feel like he's rushing because we've been together for over a year now. I believe one reason for the rush is that he wants to believe that he's ready to move on, if he didn't want to believe this then he wouldn't have proposed to me before the divorce was final. Another reason for the rush is the fact that we're planning on moving overseas for 4 years while I go to graduate school. I think he's afraid that if we're not married when we move over there, then I'll end up falling for some younger foreign guy. I'm about 10 years younger than "Dan", and he has issues with the age difference. He's just as insecure about the thought of my meeting someone else, than I am about his ex. Being married to me before we leave could quell his fears some; it could provide him with a sense of security and entitlement. He knows that I'd never cheat on him if we were married, but I'm not so sure he realizes that I wouldn't cheat if tempted by someone before marrying him. I wouldn't cheat on him, and believe me it's not due to a shortage of offers. Just about all of my ex's that I had serious relationships with , as well as a few new guys have come sniffing my way since I've been with "Dan", and I've shot them all down. I love him.

Sorry that was such a long answer to q#1.

 

2.) Yes, I think that he did indeed rush into his second marriage. "Dan" has a tendency to start new relationships before he's had a chance to end the old one. For instance, he started seeing ex-wife when things were going wrong with a long-distance relationship with a girlfriend from his home town. When the long-distance gf finally broke up with him, he asked the ex to move in with him. He married her having only known her for about a year. Of course she proposed to him (twice) before he finally agreed to marry her. He turned her down the first time because he wasn't oblivious to the fact that she was a bit unstable, but in the end he decided to go for it. Says he loved her kid so much that it was worth it knowing that her daughter would be taken care of. Of course, he now rues the day that he agreed to marry his ex-W.

 

I hope this information was helpful.

[lawyer83]

Frannie,

Thank you for all of your honesty, and candor. I've read your responses on both posts, and I'd just like to say that I really appreciate non-judgmental responses. And, I don't think you were too harsh at all, you were just being realistic.

In answer to your questions:

1.)Why does he feel the need to rush?

2.)Did he rush into his second marriage too..?

 

The answers are:

1.) He doesn't feel like he's rushing because we've been together for over a year now. I believe one reason for the rush is that he wants to believe that he's ready to move on, if he didn't want to believe this then he wouldn't have proposed to me before the divorce was final. Another reason for the rush is the fact that we're planning on moving overseas for 4 years while I go to graduate school. I think he's afraid that if we're not married when we move over there, then I'll end up falling for some younger foreign guy. I'm about 10 years younger than "Dan", and he has issues with the age difference. He's just as insecure about the thought of my meeting someone else, as I am about his ex. Being married to me before we leave could quell some of his fears; it could also provide him with a sense of security and entitlement. He knows that I'd never cheat on him if we were married, but I'm not so certain he realizes that I wouldn't cheat if tempted by some young guy before becoming his wife. I wouldn't cheat on him, and believe me it's not due to a shortage of offers. Just about all of my ex's that I had serious relationships with , as well as a few new guys have come sniffing my way since I've been with "Dan", and I've shot them all down. I love him.

Sorry that was such a long answer to q#1.

 

2.) Yes, I think that he did indeed rush into his second marriage. "Dan" has a tendency to start new relationships before he's had a chance to end the old one. For instance, he started seeing ex-wife when things were going wrong with a long-distance relationship with a girlfriend from his home town. When the long-distance gf finally broke up with him, he asked the ex to move in with him. He married her having only known her for about a year. Of course she proposed to him (twice) before he finally agreed to marry her. He turned her down the first time because he wasn't oblivious to the fact that she was a bit unstable, but in the end he decided to go for it. Says he loved her kid so much that it was worth it knowing that her daughter would be taken care of. Of course, he now rues the day that he agreed to marry his ex-W.

And, of course he started dating other women (a lot of other women before I came along) after she first asked him to consider a divorce. He was dating for a fulll 2 years before he finally agreed to file the necessary paperwork with the court.

 

I hope this information was helpful.

[crazy_grl]

It seems like this guy is one of those people who think that marriage is going to magically make things better. The fact is though that it's not going to make a person less likely to cheat and it's not going to mean less drama with the ex. Unless he gets it through his head that marriage isn't the answer to your problems, you'll probably end up being ex-wife #3.

 

You two both need to worry about making sure your relationship is stable and you're both happy before worrying about marriage.

 

Don't marry this guy until the issues with his ex have been dealt with. If the situation hasn't gotten better before you get married, there's absolutely no reason to believe it'll get better after.

 

As for the ex-wife, you have to accept that she's going to be part of his life because of her child. The child may not be his biologically, but it seems he still considers her his daughter. He may be making excuses for the ex not because he wants to be with her, but simply to avoid conflict/drama since he knows has to deal with her. Even so, your bf needs to grow some balls and set down some firmer boundaries where the ex is concerned.

[frannie]

He doesn't feel like he's rushing because we've been together for over a year now. I believe one reason for the rush is that he wants to believe that he's ready to move on, if he didn't want to believe this then he wouldn't have proposed to me before the divorce was final. Another reason for the rush is the fact that we're planning on moving overseas for 4 years while I go to graduate school. I think he's afraid that if we're not married when we move over there, then I'll end up falling for some younger foreign guy. I'm about 10 years younger than "Dan", and he has issues with the age difference. He's just as insecure about the thought of my meeting someone else, as I am about his ex. Being married to me before we leave could quell some of his fears; it could also provide him with a sense of security and entitlement.

 

Hmm... well, he has quite a few things there to sort out, I think... and you've really summed them up here. Obviously getting married isn't going to sort out his insecurity, nor really prove that he's moved on, although perhaps he thinks it will send a message to his ex wife? Even so, that's no way to deal with a difficult ex!

 

I think you're right to have some reservations about moving too fast on this... he does have a bit of a track record of leaping in and regretting things later. Have you thought of couples counselling, perhaps..? Apart from not handling his ex very well and a tendency to be pushing things too far, is everything else going ok?

[lawyer83]

Have you thought of couples counselling, perhaps..?

 

I have mentioned couples counseling, but he's not very enthusiastic about the idea. He's thinking about it.

 

Apart from not handling his ex very well and a tendency to be pushing things too far, is everything else going ok?

 

We actually have a pretty great relationship. I really love this man. His baggage from his last marriage is the only thing we ever argue about. "Dan" is warm, sweet, and considerate most of the time. Despite his baggage, he knows how to be there for me. He always apologizes when he messes up. He even apologized about telling the ex I was on my period, but I don't think he realized why he was doing it. "Dan" thought I had issues about my period and that was the cause of the argument. He didn't get that I was angry becase he won't put down his foot and tell her enough is enough. I was angry because his wife emailed everyone and sent them a message stating that I was pregnant, and instead of confronting her about it he just sent her a message saying "no she's not, she just started her period." He's not addressing his anger towards her, or the fact that he still feels the need to placate her at all. He makes excuses for her, and nothing she does is her fault.

 

These are the excuses I hear from him:

She's acting out because he shouldn't have told her about our engagement yet. It was too soon.

(It's too soon, but wait we've been engaged for like a year.)

It's his fault that she's so angry and bitter because he chose to cheat on her. So, now he's just getting what he deserves.

(She's the one who asked for the divorce in the first place. He wasn't with any other women before she asked for the divorce.)

 

Yeah, there's just a lot of illogical thinking going on in his head. Oh, and did I mention the fact that even though she expects him to continue providing financial support for her daughter(not in the divorce decree), her daughter isn't allowed to spend time with him without the ex being present because she doesn't want her daughter to be around me. His ex actually told "Dan" that I would have to stay somewhere else if her daughter was ever allowed to come and visit him. Her thinking is actually so mangled that she believes he is going ask me to leave so that her daughter can come and stay with him. WTF? Not only that, but she also thinks that I have no choice in the matter, like I'm just going to leave my home to accomodate her wishes. Well, it's not going to happen. Dan and I have discussed this and he's stated that he's willing to wait until her daughter turns 18 (5 years) and can make the decision of whether, or not she wants to visit us for herself. But, you can see the kind of minds that I'm dealing with here.

[frannie]

Hm. Has he 'filed for divorce' or actually divorced..? I'm asking because I'm wondering what arrangements were made where his daughter is concerned with the courts... if any..? And if not why not..? I know it's not his biological daughter so I'm not sure what the rules are there... maybe someone on Divorce or another part of the site can help or knows more..?

[lasan]

Hm. Has he 'filed for divorce' or actually divorced..? I'm asking because I'm wondering what arrangements were made where his daughter is concerned with the courts... if any..? And if not why not..? I know it's not his biological daughter so I'm not sure what the rules are there... maybe someone on Divorce or another part of the site can help or knows more..?

 

It can be a mucky bit of law. Every state has a different answer for stepchildren after a divorce. He should consider chatting to a lawyer about it. *In theory* If he acted as a parent and has a relationship with the child he could in many states ask for visitation. This does not mean he would get it. It depends on the states law and a myriad of other factors, but there are some former step-parents that are awarded visitation.

 

In my own case, it hasn't been an issue. My stepdaughters come to my mother in laws house so they can see their baby brother. Their mother, who was so adamant about me not seeing them when their father was alive, could now care less. I maintain a college fund for them (which their mother is demanding I turn over to her HA HA. It is my own money that I started saving AFTER their father passed away to help them when they enter college.) If their mother decides she doesn't want me around....I will most likely just deal with it. In the state I am in, the grandparent get visititation, and even more so if the parent of the children is dead (such as in my mother in laws case) So I suspect I will always see them in some capacity.

[lawyer83]

Frannie:

The divorce was finalized by the judge last month. In my state there's a 30 day waiting period before either of them can legally remarry, so the ex keeps telling him that she's still technically his wife. I think things might get worse until around the 12th of Jan which is when she will lose the legal right to call herself his wife. I have no idea what she's going to do once the reality of the situation sinks in.

Like I said in an earlier post, they haven't lived together in over 3 years, even though they were still legally married. I just came into the picture last fall, yet she blames me for the break-up because he's moving on with me. The only reason she actually wants him back is because she sees that he is in a commited relationship with someone else now. The ex doesn't want him, but she also doesn't want him to be happy with anyone else; and she keeps doing everything in her power to confirm the fact that she hasn't moved on yet.

[Romeo Must Die]

There is nothing wrong with that. Tragedy or jeoprady can make people realize what they would have lost, and people (like Dan) don't just switch off their emotions like a lightswitch. Be cautious. I'm telling you for your own good. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you. You seem like a smart, intelligent woman. I love reading your posts. From what I can tell, he has a bond with her, history and emotions that have changed but perhaps not gone away completely. Relationships like that one have taken it's course to evolve and that is the key to happiness.

 

Divorce doesnt change that. I keep trying to tell people divorce is a legal matter. A business arrangement over their stuff. Nothing more. I get it that Dan is the one trying to make this happen marrying again quickly but I think he is (inintentionally) trying to protect himself at your expense.

 

This is my anology. If you want a good, healthy relationship it has to grow over time. The roots have to go deep down into the earth to keep their hold and develop into a strong, sturdy plant. If you let enough time pass & nurture it carefully and allowing nature take its course, you will have a field of flowers that will last forever instead of taking the offer of hand picked flowers in a pretty vase.

 

[lawyer83]

Romeo,what you said makes total sense. I am definitely going to heed your advice; I will attempt to precede with caution.

 

On another note...The people I've encountered on this board have been very warm and understanding. It's really great to know that there are people on here who are capable of showing both sympathy, and empathy when needed.

 

Thanks

[Romeo Must Die]

You might want to consider getting counselling for Dan. I know you have been his counsellor all this time, but maybe an outside party can help him sort through his unresolved issues with his ex wife, ie, the guilt and the pain he has experienced with his divorce.

 

I dont know if you have ever been through a divorce, but it is pretty traumatic. It's like experiencing a death and it should be treated with lots of TLC and understanding... and time. You cant rush through the feelings, or ignore them and put them on hold. He has to go through all the stages. Some people just get stuck.

 

Getting married right away will only put a band-aid on a troubled wound. Dan may even have some deeper issue stemming from his childhood and how he was brought up and like you said, you dont want to repeat history and end up going banannas like the ex-wife did.

 

And speaking of the ex-wife, if you look at Dan and study the situation you have found yourself in a little closer, it would explain her crazy behavior. Maybe something did effect her with Dan's passive/aggressive behavior (I care about you, but I am marrying lawyer) and his inability to deal (lets get married right away) that has driven ex-wife to this point of no return.

 

[lawyer83]

Getting married right away will only put a band-aid on a troubled wound. Dan may even have some deeper issue stemming from his childhood and how he was brought up and like you said, you dont want to repeat history and end up going banannas like the ex-wife did.

 

It's funny you should mention the fact that he may have issues stemming from his childhood because I was just thinking of this recently.

His ex has the thrown the fact that his actions mirror those of his father. Although she didn't put matters as eloquently as I would, she may have a point there. Dan's father and mother went through a difficult divorce when Dan was a child (6-8), and he knows for a fact that his father started dating before the divorce was final. As a matter of fact his father ended up marrying the woman he started seeing before his D was final, and they've been married for like 25 years (and had 2 kids). Dan's father had custody, so he grew up in the household with the step-mother. Ironically enough, Dan gets along with his father, step mother and the half-siblings resulting from that 2nd marriage better than he does with his birth mother. He seems to be a lot closer to his second family.

 

I don't think he's ever discussed this experience with anyone. Dan's not big on talking about his feelings. I mean he tells me he loves me, and that he wants to be with me, but when it comes to other things sometimes he shuts down. He didn't really want to talk about it when his ex emailed the whole family during the break, or when she was trying to blackmail him, or when she was trying to use her daughter as a pawn to get money. All I get is "that's just how "blank" is. He won't say a word against her, even when I can tell he's spitting mad about something she's done. He holds things like that inside, and takes all of the blame upon himself. He keeps telling me that it's just karma catching up with him. I know this is not a good thing, and I have mentioned therapy.

[Romeo Must Die]

Then it's a learned behavior from his role models. It was probably really painful for him. He had to have been traumatized. I could imagine that a little kid would cry for his mother if he were taken away from her. I figure that his father and his new mother refused to discuss their problems and Dan has been trained in this way of thinking since he was little. It's the only way he knows how to deal. A counsellor could give him new ways to handle his problems instead of shutting down.

 

You and Dan haven't lived together long enough to even have conflicts yet. You are still in the honeymoon of your relationship. Life is peachy. The only problem you have had thus far is the Ex-Wife, but in my opinion, he is handling that situation badly.

 

[lawyer83]

You and Dan haven't lived together long enough to even have conflicts yet. You are still in the honeymoon of your relationship. Life is peachy. The only problem you have had thus far is the Ex-Wife, but in my opinion, he is handling that situation badly.

 

Preach on sister...