Very selfish

[Guest]

I'm a MM and an OM.

 

I've been married for 12 years. I've had the hardest time dealing with the lack of attention from my wife, ever since we had our second child. Actually, even before that. And I think I'm in some sort of midlife crisis because I'm questioning everything in my life right now. Anyway, I've felt neglected for a long time and went online to find women to talk to. I made a few female chat friends, but never told my wife because she would never accept it. So I'm a deceiver.

 

All of these friendships lasted only briefly and then disappeared - except for one. She is a married woman. She is in a long-term marriage and has kids, as I do. She was looking only to make friends. We connected. It's a connection like nothing I've ever experienced. Because of the anonymity of chat, we opened up to each other in a way neither of us has ever done. It grew from there. We talked on the phone, and it got stronger. Finally, after 2 months of agonizing, we met. And it was electric. By that point, I felt I already knew her so intimately that the connection was instantaneous. So I'm a cheater.

 

For the past few weeks, we've been frantically making time to see each other whenever possible. The more we see each other, the more we want each other. It's reached a point where we both feel it's headed toward us destroying our families. We can't resist each other despite this knowledge. So today we agreed to break up. We know that we can't have each other. Leaving our families would be devastating to so many people, we just couldn't live with that. Especially the children. I must go back to my life and put more effort into my marriage and find happiness there.

 

But I feel as if I've met my soul mate. When we are together, I feel whole. She loves me in a way that is amazing and I've never experienced. I am comfortable being myself only with her. It feels like we were meant to be together - hell, it feels like we have always been together. And now that I know all of these feelings, I go back to my marriage wondering how I can ever put this behind me and do what's right. The genie is out of the bottle and I fear it will never go back in.

 

I suppose I deserve this pain. After all, I lied and cheated on my wife. I'm so selfish because all I can think about is what I wish I could have, and how much this hurts. I feel as if I've lost part of myself. And to make it worse, the things I've done give me no guilt. I somehow feel that I deserve this other love. How can I save myself? I have no hope.

[NoIDidn't]

I take it your W doesn't know.

 

Find a therapist and work on your issues with life.

 

Your actions have already destroyed your family whether they know it or not. Because it is a betrayal of the intimacy and exclusivity that your W thought she was getting.

 

If your W ever finds out, she will be extremely hurt - especially since you cheated b/c she had less time for you b/c of taking care of YOUR children.

 

But this is your cross to bear for now. Get some anti-depressant meds for your MLC and resulting depression and go to a good therapist. There is hope for you. Put the passion you put into cheating back into your W and M.

 

You might also want to have this thread moved to "Infidelity" since you are wondering about the primary relationship and yourself, not so much the MW.

 

Good luck. Hope I wasn't too harsh.

[lasan]

If you want to move forward, you are going to need to talk to your wife. She needs to know what is wrong. She needs to know how serious you are about what is bothering you and how you feel. Does she even have a clue you feel this way?

[PoshPrincess]

I am an ex-OW and this is exactly how my now ex-MM felt about me (and I felt about him too). His sitch was pretty similar, things had been bad for a long time, feelings had disappeared but he didn't realise how much until he met me and felt like he'd never felt, always wanted to feel.

 

The thing is, at the end of the day, he couldn't hurt his family - his kids in particular and we ended things. I have the utmost respect for him for doing this. He knows I am hurt and he is too but he is trying to do the right thing. I told him time and again that if he was going to stay in the family home then he should try his hardest to sort out the relationship with his W too - MC, or whatever else it takes - because it wouldn't be good for the kids to live with two unhappy parents. Whether he is doing that or not I don't know as we are NC. I just hope he's happy now. He has sacrificed his own happiness for the sake of his kids and I can only admire that.

 

I think that, as hard as it may be, maybe you need to take a step back from your R with this OW and see whether or not you think your M is worth saving, whether you think it can be saved. You have a lot to lose. If you decide that you can't make your M work and that you want to be with the OW, leave your W first, then take up with the OW when the dust has settled and you feel able to start up a relationship with someone else. I really am talking from experience as my MMs W found out about us, his kids werre dragged into it and there was no end of heartache for everyone concerned. Of course, being that your OW is married too then she also needs to decide whether or not she wants to leave her family and be in a relationship with you. Whether or not she does, you really have to take a look at your own M.

 

Leave for yourself, not for any one else, but don't do anything irrational!

 

Lots of luck.

[Marcus1963]

I somehow feel that I deserve this other love. How can I save myself? I have no hope.

you do desreve that love my friend,you found your soulmate and you need to be with her, its very generous of you to think of your kids but parents need lives too. why live in a unhappy marriage?

[lasan]

you do desreve that love my friend,you found your soulmate and you need to be with her, its very generous of you to think of your kids but parents need lives too. why live in a unhappy marriage?

 

 

Because some people feel obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. Some people think that kids won't notice that their parents are unhappy. Some people think that their children will grow up better in a two parent household even if the parents aren't in love with each other anymore.

[Guest]

If you want to move forward, you are going to need to talk to your wife. She needs to know what is wrong. She needs to know how serious you are about what is bothering you and how you feel. Does she even have a clue you feel this way?

 

My wife and I are not very good communicators. But we have talked a bit about the fact that we both feel we lost our lives as a result of becoming parents. (The kids are very young still, so it takes all of her time.) We waited a long time to have kids, and were very used to life with just the two of us. Now she feels she has no life other than being a mom, and of course I feel neglected.

 

She also knows there's the risk of an affair, because I told her that I had thought about meeting someone else in order to get some of my needs met. That was in relation to sex, though, not finding a new love partner. Regardless, she's aware that the idea's in my mind and I know she must even suspect that I'm doing something, although she never confronts me. She may just not want to face the truth.

[Guest]

Because some people feel obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. Some people think that kids won't notice that their parents are unhappy. Some people think that their children will grow up better in a two parent household even if the parents aren't in love with each other anymore.

 

Yes. This is what I think. What are your thoughts?

[PoshPrincess]

Because some people feel obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. Some people think that kids won't notice that their parents are unhappy. Some people think that their children will grow up better in a two parent household even if the parents aren't in love with each other anymore.

 

I know from growing up with a father that felt unhappy within the marriage that it isn't necessarily a good thing staying together for the sake of the kids. However, I do think every sitch is different. Personally for me I wish my parents had broken up long ago. My Dad didn't leave till my brother and I were in our late 20s/early 30s and in some ways this was a lot harder on everyone. My Dad feels like he had wasted many years, I think he also wasted my Mum's life as it is much harder to meet someone new in your 50s than it is in your 30s. Of course, who knows what would have become of us all if they had split earlier. We were never particularly well of but financially things would have been even harder.

 

I still don't believe in staying together for the sake of the kids but it IS a totally unselfish act. I left my partner of 8 years and father of my son because I was SO unhappy. I felt extremely selfish for doing this but my son was too young to understand at the time so I thought sooner rather than later was better. Plus I never wanted to end up like my Dad! I think it is much harder for a man to make this decision though as they are 'leaving' their kids whereas, as women, we normally get to take them with us (as I did). There are also the financial implications in having to run two households.

[lasan]

I think every situation was diffferent. I am biased because of my own personal experience being a child of this sort of situation. It was a miserable place for me to be. No one was happy. Sure I am a mostly normal adult, but everyone would have been much better off going their separate ways.

 

Some poeple may be able to do the whole stay together thing for the kids and make it look happy on the outside. Bravo for the superb acting job it must take. I think it is pure silly talk to think that kids don't notice things like their parents don't like each other, or are in love with each other. What sort of example does that set? That if you have children, you are obligated to a lifetime of misery if your partner changes? Or you grow apart? That just seems so bleak to me.

[Marcus1963]

Because some people feel obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. Some people think that kids won't notice that their parents are unhappy. Some people think that their children will grow up better in a two parent household even if the parents aren't in love with each other anymore.

My little sister was married to a loser and she didnt want to leave him because of the kids.....well eventually he left her for another skirt and my sister married a great guy... she is pregnant with her third now divorce is not the end of the world its just the end of suffering and a new beginning. i would rather marry 7 times and go thru ups & down than stay in one miserable marriage forever.

[Guest]

My little sister was married to a loser and she didnt want to leave him because of the kids.....well eventually he left her for another skirt and my sister married a great guy... she is pregnant with her third now divorce is not the end of the world its just the end of suffering and a new beginning. i would rather marry 7 times and go thru ups & down than stay in one miserable marriage forever.

 

I don't know that I'd say our marriage is miserable. We still like each other and get along. But it's not a happy household, either. We just have so little time to ourselves that we've lost touch with each other. I know I care about her, but I just don't know if I'm in love with her anymore.

 

Now that I think about it, my parents had the same kind of interaction with each other. They were not demonstrative or obviously happy. They just lived each day and did what needed to be done.

[PoshPrincess]

My little sister was married to a loser and she didnt want to leave him because of the kids.....well eventually he left her for another skirt and my sister married a great guy... she is pregnant with her third now divorce is not the end of the world its just the end of suffering and a new beginning. i would rather marry 7 times and go thru ups & down than stay in one miserable marriage forever.

 

Well said Marcus, otherwise everyone ends up losing out. I always knew when I was growing up that my father wasn't happy - he was out all the time, never wanted to do 'family' stuff', never wanted to spend time with my Mum. How was that any good to anyone? And if families do make the effort to spend time with each other even though both partners are miserable, I still think kids pick up on those things. There's always going to be a tense atmosphere!

[GuestOW]

divorce is not the end of the world its just the end of suffering and a new beginning

 

Well said. The only thing I would change in my life is to do it much earlier than I did. I lived in total unhappiness for many years. Don't think it is easy though...it's hard on everyone when a marriage ends. The key is to do what you can to help your kids through it.

 

But if you leave W, it has to be for you and finding happiness in your life. Not because you want to be with your OW.

[NoIDidn't]

I really think you should move this to an area where it will get the kind of posts that you need. Your M sounds far from unhappy. Just seems like you are in that phase where the kids are young and you are losing touch with each other. It happens. Work on your communication skills and see where it goes.

 

I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't see the point in pining over one particular person just because of chemistry. Sure, you may never feel it again, but that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind for a feeling.

 

I am assuming alot, but need to ask: was your M happy before the children? Any recent deaths in the family? A MC told me that most As happen within one year of either a death or a birth - the emotional upheaval and unavailability and all. Sounds like your biggest complaint is your W's tending to the children's needs while neglecting yours. What have you done to ease that burden for her? This is a two way street. She is obviously trying to talk to you, she feels the distance. The A only made it worst for you.

[plexus]

For guest.......

 

seems to me like all you are thinking about is you, you you.......how neglected you feel, how she's not there for you...

Have you really been there for her???

If you are that miserable, then maybe you should come clean with her about everything, I'm sure she does know about your affair to some degree.....how would you feel if she was the one having the affair b/c she felt neglected???

I'm sure she does feel as neglected as you b/c it takes two to make a relationship work. do you want to work it out with her? are you still having the affair???

you both chose to have kids, you can't blame her for having to take care of them...maybe you need to grow up and take some responsibility as well.

[Touche]

I agree with the last two posters.

 

Yes, marriage is living each day and taking care of wha needs takng care of. But it's ALSO caring and loving and interacting with each other. It's up to you BOTH to keep that going. I've been married a little over 11 years..together for 12. It goes up and down as far as our level of interaction but it never completely goes away.

 

Like I said it's up to you both to keep that going. Why don't YOU start it off. Give an unexpected kiss or hug. Take her out to dinner and arrange a sitter.

 

Don't think this other woman is your soul mate. She's not. She's someone else's wife and mother to his kids. Your little crush will pass. And that's all it is..an infatuation. Learn to love your wife again in the right way.

[Guest]

I'll answer the last few posters here in one shot.

 

I don't think it makes sense to move this to the infidelity forum, because it seems to me that the "advice" given there is mostly isn't. My impression is that there are a lot of hurt exes there judging and moralizing. I need real advice.

 

I am trying to go back and make another attempt with my wife. I'm not going to see or talk to the OW anymore. I need to figure out whether my marriage is salvageable first. And if it is, is it the kind of marriage I want to be in? And even more important than figuring out my relationship with my wife is figuring myself out. I'm not happy. I need to learn how to be.

 

- I've started seeing a therapist

- I've told my wife to hire someone to help with the kids so she can have some free time for herself

- We're planning a few days out of town without the kids

- I'm making an effort to be more affectionate and to talk to her (we're not good communicators)

 

I hope these are the right first steps.

 

As for the OW, our affair has led her to realize that she has been carrying the burden of her relationship for years, and that her H has been neglecting it. Having experienced being truly loved and wanted by me, she feels the romantic aspect of her marriage is over. She and her H will live together and remain friends, but they have agreed to open things up to other people. I hope this works for her. I know it would not be a workable long-term solution for my wife and myself.

 

I feel the loss of my OW greatly. There is a connection there I expect never to experience again. Some of you have used the term infatuation or crush to describe it. Perhaps that's what it is. But right now, it feels like so much more than that, and I miss it.

[Ladyjane14]

Some of you have used the term infatuation or crush to describe it. Perhaps that's what it is. But right now, it feels like so much more than that, and I miss it.

 

I can see where you might feel that those terms minimize your feelings. I'm sure that's not the intent though. We talk about Infatuation extensively here at LS, and if you continue to read through some threads you'll begin to understand it as a powerful thing... often underestimated in it's intensity.

 

There's an addictive quality there, both emotionally and physiolocially which makes it difficult to overcome.

 

If you're REALLY determined to make a go of your marriage, your best bet is to immerse yourself in information on the marital relationship. Toward that end, you might read some books like The Five Love Languages by Chapman or Not Just Friends by Glass, Books like these will help you begin to identify deficits in communications and emotional needs within the marriage.

 

There's quite a few articles at marriagebuilders also, which I think would be helpful to you. Try typing into your browser "the three states of mind in marriage, marriagebuilders". That'll take you an article which can help you understand how you can affect change when your partner is "withdrawn" from the marriage. I think you could benefit from reading through the entire Basic Concepts section as well.

 

I don't think there's any one program or book which can solve all the issues. The important thing is that you become proactive in achieving your goals... moving forward, rather than dwelling on the past. It's possible to harness all the energy that you're currently expending on the now defunct EMR... and pour it back into your marriage. You have to be focusing on your wife rather than on the OW though.

[plexus]

guest,

 

what is your wife's complaint with you and your marriage? How many kids do you have? and one more thing...who's decision was it to break off the affair? you or the OW?

[Guest]

guest,

 

what is your wife's complaint with you and your marriage? How many kids do you have? and one more thing...who's decision was it to break off the affair? you or the OW?

 

My wife's complaint? That she's overworked and underappreciated, I suppose, would be the chief ones. But she never complains. In fact, until recently, we were hardly talking at all, except about day-to-day stuff.

 

We have two kids, one 5 and the other 2.

 

The OW and I mutually decided to stop seeing each other. We both knew that if we kept going as we were, relationships would be destroyed and people hurt. As it turns out, her marriage is crippled anyway. And mine...well, that's what I'm trying to figure out now.

[NoIDidn't]

Of course she feels unappreciated, you cheated on her. But I am sure that you haven't told her, or you'd be showing some remorse for hurting her.

 

Seriously, not talking is a very, very bad sign. Almost like she is giving up on you ever giving her what she needs and wants from your M. If you want to save it while she has some love left, you need to see a MC immediately. This recent talking to you is like a last ditch effort on her part to see what is on your mind.

 

BTW, telling her to hire someone is like throwing money at the problem. She wants to hear you say something like "honey, I hired a sitter so that I could take YOU out (with me)". Hiring someone while you continue on in whatever you have been doing when not with her or putting anything into your M, is almost insulting (to her, I am assuming here).

 

Good luck. If you plan to tell her about your cheating, you will want to do it in a counselling session.

[Guest]

Seriously' date=' not talking is a very, very bad sign. Almost like she is giving up on you ever giving her what she needs and wants from your M. If you want to save it while she has some love left, you need to see a MC immediately. This recent talking to you is like a last ditch effort on her part to see what is on your mind.[/quote']

 

You misunderstand. Our recent talking has not been initiated by her. It has been initiated by me. It's part of my effort to improve things.

 

BTW, telling her to hire someone is like throwing money at the problem. She wants to hear you say something like "honey, I hired a sitter so that I could take YOU out (with me)". Hiring someone while you continue on in whatever you have been doing when not with her or putting anything into your M, is almost insulting (to her, I am assuming here).

 

I didn't say I was getting her help so I could continue on in what I'm doing. My affair has ended. I've said I'm taking steps to improve things with her, and that we are going away together. Of course dinners, etc. will be part of that. What I'm trying to do by bringing help into the house is to give her some breathing room so she can begin to have a life again outside of child care.

[plexus]

I have to tell you guest that reading your posts sound exactly like my ex OM.......it's almost scary but then again I have come to see that there are so many of us in such similar situations......

How long was this affair going on? I ended mine after 2 and a half years and I know it will be the best thing I could do.

I did fall in love with him and when we would get together the magic, the chemistry, etc was nothing like I ever experienced....

My marriage had been not so great when I had met him. I am married 20 years.....

but my H and I went for MC and I went to work on my own issues........things between my H and I could not have been better except I had this huge secret......I was in love with both of them and that is a hard nut to juggle........I have felt so much guilt and stress over the A for so long but still couldnt walk away...even though we went thru many periods of NC all initiated by me.

The OM's status as I was told by him was that she gave up on the marriage a long time ago...she did know about a short bout of infidelity he has many years before I met him........

I think he was wanted his marriage to work very badly but was given no choice by his wife.......with that said, they are still together and I really dont know the exact truth about what goes on there and dont think I ever would.

I do know that he fell in love with me, however it was a "fantasy" so to speak. we both have children....and all the baggage and history that comes along with that. There were times when I was with him that all I wanted was to "be with him" like a drug.........

We tried to step back so to speak and keep things light but it never worked and I just knew that for my sanity, I had to end it........

it's been a few weeks.......I am doing really ok suprisingly enough.

I dont know that he is doing that great but I also know he doesnt want his marriage to end.

after reading your first few posts.....It was uncanny how his home life sounds exactly like yours.......

what happened to your marriage? where did the communication go? Have you ever cheated before? and what do you really want????

did you love this OW????

[Guest]

I have to tell you guest that reading your posts sound exactly like my ex OM.......it's almost scary but then again I have come to see that there are so many of us in such similar situations......

How long was this affair going on?

.......

what happened to your marriage? where did the communication go? Have you ever cheated before? and what do you really want????

did you love this OW????

 

Yes, our situations do sound very similar, except that we were together for only three months. She and I love each other very much, and our time together was magical, like nothing I've ever experienced. If we were not already married, we would be inseparable.

 

As for my marriage, I'm sure it's a story that's quite common. We were together for many years before having children. We had become comfortable, perhaps even bored, with each other. Then we had our daughter. It was incredibly stressful and we, who are normally very quiet and peaceful, found ourselves angry and hostile at times. I questioned whether our marriage would survive. When our daughter was around 3, things had improved considerably. Then we had our son. This time, there was no anger, but my wife became so consumed by motherhood that there was no time for anything else. I worked during the week, and spent my weekends on our home remodel. We only talked about day-to-day business and had little or no time together without the kids. Projects and tasks we once shared became the sole responsibility of one or the other of us. Where we had communicated very little before, now we didn't at all. It got to the point where even if I tried to talk to her about something, as soon as one of the kids did or said anything, she would become distracted and cut me off. I stopped trying. So did she.

 

Feeling lonely and unhappy, I started meeting women online. We would chat or exchange emails, and I appreciated having a feminine perspective on my situation. I made a couple of friends this way. Then I met the OW, and the affair began.

 

What do I really want, you asked? It doesn't matter, because I can't have it. I have responsibilities to live up to and a wife who deserves better than the way I've treated her. I know I've been selfish and have looked only to my own needs, ignoring hers. I hope I can rectify that.