How to deal with a crush on an unavailable person

[NotKelly]

I'm new here. Having read some of the threads here I can relate. Recently I got involved with a new circle of friends and found myself really thinking about one of them a little too much - he's "very married" with teenage kids. I have been confused by some of the signals he is giving off toward me, and as I am newly available after many years of not dating, let's just say my pulse quickens a bit when we meet and talk about perfectly ordinary things (because I'm never sure how ordinary they really mean... I've tried to think clearly about it but I have a feeling he is vulnerable to someone new in his life; he has said as much in mixed company, and he just seems to pay more attention to me than to the others in our group.) But, my parents' marriage broke up over an affair and it made me and my sister's life a living hell for many years. I'd never want to do that to another family and kids... and I can tell that he is going through a bit of a rough time personally (as I have been in my life) and I wouldn't want to take advantage of that...

 

...but as you know, the potential excitement of it all is very hard to stop thinking about. (What if? What if I could conceivably one night have mad passionate sex with this man?)

 

Here is the problem with getting over crushes and doing the right thing. It's so hard to stop because you feel you can't replace the excitement with anything. It feels like going on a diet or denying yourself, things you really might deserve. Unfortunately I am not married so I have no marriage to "go back and work on" and truly I believe I am at a point in my life where I *need* a good fling without commitment. (am coming out of a bad, bad longterm relationship that left me very dead inside, and I am just starting to wake up)

 

Here is something that has worked for me in calming me down, giving a reality check, and most importantly, redirecting my sense of excitement and discovery. I sat down and made a very detailed list of all the reasons why someone like me would be attracted to someone like him. Now, this was fun and exciting in itself to do... at first. But the important part of making this list, is to concentrate on the "SOMEONE LIKE" me part... which means you have to step back and look at yourself from the third person. This is a little more work, but you might be surprised at new/cool things you learn about your situation that are... exciting.

 

For example... I realized that one of the reasons I have felt attracted to him, is because I know he is feeling somewhat sad and desperate these days. Well, "sad and desperate" was my middle name for a very long time, so of course, the idea of sharing in someone's sadness is very attractive, in a sort of epic-romantic way. But the more I thought about this one, I thought about my new friends (and potentially other, more appropriate partners in this group) and really felt grateful and uplifted for all the cool new things I've been doing. Why not concentrate on what's exciting in my life, BESIDES him (as opposed to "in spite of" him)? Instead of concentrating on my past hurts and feelings of need?

 

Another example: I concentrated on thinking about my physical attraction to him - what it is about. I realized that he is way more mature (physically, agewise and experience-wise) than any guy I've dated. He is about 10 yrs older than me. I've always felt like a bit of a baby (I had people in my family treat me like that, being the youngest) and sensitive about not having had as active a dating life as people my age. So why wouldn't someone like me be attracted to a "mature man"? But there is a flip side to this realization that is pretty exciting too. Now I realize I accept my advanced age -- all those "lost years of my youth" that I spent in the rotten relationship -- and that I can look at potential partners in the dating pool who are maybe older than I might have done in the past. So, I am seeing "older guys" in a whole new light now in general, which helps take my mind off my crush.

 

Sometimes though you might identify things that you just have to be prudent about. Here is a really small silly thing: I realized one tiny bit of the attraction puzzle with him, is that our birthdays are only two days apart. (They're both around Christmas so we have had similar negative experiences with birthdays!) He does not know this fact about my birth date. And even though it seems like a small thing, I know it's little things like this that just add fuel to a fire (if it exists... I am not sure if it does). Thinking about this, I realized... I just had better keep my mouth shut about this little fact.

 

And there were a lot of other things about the attraction that I went through in my mind and decided how I would respond to.

 

You do not have to deny yourself excitement in life. You also do not have to end your friendship with someone you have a crush on... AS LONG AS you look for other forms of excitement in addition to the notion of "wow, I could have an affair with this guy" - figure out what is getting you excited and then expand on it in more appropriate ways. Last piece of advice - if you are really struggling - keep a journal, it will help you create responses to these "points of attraction."

 

I can't promise this will keep you from doing something ill advised, but it is better than rushing into something or trying to encourage something you shouldn't be encouraging.

[BenThereDunThat]

Firstly, NotKelly - Welcome! (I have kind of an attraction to your name -- my older sister's name is Kelly and we look a lot alike, it was always "I'm not Kelly!" for me, growing up).

 

And I really appreciate your post. What I personally got out of it was that, when you are in the midst of an immense (or so you think at the time) attraction to someone, you really need to find the strength to step back, evaluate, look at yourself, and see the situation from an overhead, detached view.

 

Which is so incredibly difficult when you're in it. But if you can recognize the real reasons WHY you're in it, WHY you find this off-limits person attractive, well, then, you can figure out a lot more than you thought you would -- about yourself, about what you want, about what you DON'T want.

 

Anyway, thanks. Great perspective. Much appreciated.

[magichands]

I realized that one of the reasons I have felt attracted to him, is because I know he is feeling somewhat sad and desperate these days.

So that's what I'm doing wrong. I need to practice my "abandoned" puppy dog face.

 

"I want to be the one to share your pain." What a great chat-up line. But not on me - I'm not the sharing type.

[BenThereDunThat]

So that's what I'm doing wrong. I need to practice my "abandoned" puppy dog face.

 

"I want to be the one to share your pain." What a great chat-up line. But not on me - I'm not the sharing type.

 

Oh, Magic....you try my patience, you really do.....

 

We all have our crosses to bear in life, and I'm starting to think that you're mine!!!

[Guest]

Hi NotKelly,

 

I posted the thread asking how a married man can pursue me like he's single. Well, Mr. Brazen has upped the ante and has full on asked me out and layed out how we can be together. It's all very exciting b/c he is a gorgeous older man (11 years) who I had such a strong attraction. I've never been this attracted to anyone in my life and he knows how to push all the right buttons. When I read your post it was like you were speaking my thoughts. It's funny how we all have very similar stories...that almost leads me to believe that my consideration of taking him up on his offer is not so out of the ordinary. There was a time when I would have NEVER considered this!!

 

He claims he lives on standby and that his marriage is like an act. He and his wife basically live together but have separate lives. I encouraged him to seek something better for himself but he said that since I've never been married and have no children I don't know that this is how people live...and they do it for the kids. Essentially, he's in a marriage that isn't going anywhere and he's attracted to being alive and stimulated. I've always been a good girl and now that I'm getting older I'm itching to start living myself. I think he could teach me a lot. My sister commented that "he can teach you a lot but is it something you are willing to learn."

 

I'm conflicted...this is so out of the norm for me but it feels so intoxicating. I told Mr. Brazen "thanks but no thanks" but he is still being persistent trying to explain to me what he feels. A part of me thinks that I'm so naive and that this happens everyday so why not just have fun. I've never been this desired and I'm away from my family for the first time so I feel unburdened about what people may think.

 

NotKelly, I'll take your advice and make a list and start journalizing. I already know that I'm attracted to the fact that he is hot, fit , attractive, sexy and older. The part about him being married (with kids) is not the turn on but the part about him not being able to judge me for being a sexual creature is intoxicating. I feel that with him the good girl can be bad and I'd like to be bad just once....but i'll make the list and hopefully that will help me get over this. Thanks for posting suggestions!

[NotKelly]

Maybe you and I are in a similar situation where we are trying to blow the lid off our lives and someone else senses that. Honestly I think my crush on this man is one-sided, but I just am not totally sure (and I don't really know my new friends well enough to compare notes with them). In any case, after 15 years of being in a crappy relationship (live-in boyfriend), which was basically my first and only relationship, I sometimes feel like I am a pressure cooker of hormones about to blow from this new feeling of freedom.

 

In my case I'm pretty sure he's happily married but I can sense he is having some sort of midlife crisis type thing and sometimes I feel so dirty/pathetic for even fantasizing. I think he is just lonely for friends maybe (he and his wife work different hours) I felt taken advantage of by my ex-BF for years, he used my family situation to make me feel helpless (indeed, resolving some of my family problems thru therapy is what helped kill my "relationship" with my ex) and now here I am contemplating the prospect of flirting with someone who might feel confused?? That's just wrong.

 

I think fantasies are OK, as long as you keep them in your head. But you do have to seek excitement from a wide balance of places in your life if you are "set free" from a previous bad relationship.

 

In fact I'm even trying to widen my circle of new friends to include more women (platonic - I am straight)... (my ex-BF didn't really care for me having female friendships, he had a jealous tendency) just to get my mind off the guys in my new circle. I mean, I have a "secondary crush" on a much younger guy in this group (he's 10 years YOUNGER than me- don't worry, he's a grad student and quite legal) but he's not real appropriate either just because I want a soulful, passionate fling and he probably doesn't at this point and it might be hurtful to him. Plus, his old girlfriend is sorta still hanging around .

 

By the way... advice on the journal: Make sure you can be completely honest and open to yourself. Not too sound too kinky, but make sure, if you are having intoxicating fantasies, that you feel free to write about sexual things in your life because then you can control those feelings when they happen at inopportune times (or with inappropriate people, if you really do not want to mess with a married man). I have had such a problem with this, that you know what I did? I bought an invisible ink pen (the kind that the writing lights up under a black light that comes with the pen) and that's what I use for my diary. Nobody will know what you're writing except you. It feels very safe.

 

Besides, it sounds to me like this guy is trying to get into your space... exciting as that may be, make sure you keep control over your own space. Nobody but you can get into your journal. Then you can make truly clear decisions about whether or not "the real you" (being true to your self) want to proceed and with whom.

[Guest]

Maybe you and I are in a similar situation where we are trying to blow the lid off our lives and someone else senses that. Honestly I think my crush on this man is one-sided, but I just am not totally sure (and I don't really know my new friends well enough to compare notes with them). In any case, after 15 years of being in a crappy relationship (live-in boyfriend), which was basically my first and only relationship, I sometimes feel like I am a pressure cooker of hormones about to blow from this new feeling of freedom.

 

 

In my case I'm pretty sure he's happily married but I can sense he is having some sort of midlife crisis type thing and sometimes I feel so dirty/pathetic for even fantasizing. I think he is just lonely for friends maybe (he and his wife work different hours) I felt taken advantage of by my ex-BF for years, he used my family situation to make me feel helpless (indeed, resolving some of my family problems thru therapy is what helped kill my "relationship" with my ex) and now here I am contemplating the prospect of flirting with someone who might feel confused?? That's just wrong.

 

I think fantasies are OK, as long as you keep them in your head. But you do have to seek excitement from a wide balance of places in your life if you are "set free" from a previous bad relationship.

 

In fact I'm even trying to widen my circle of new friends to include more women (platonic - I am straight)... (my ex-BF didn't really care for me having female friendships, he had a jealous tendency) just to get my mind off the guys in my new circle. I mean, I have a "secondary crush" on a much younger guy in this group (he's 10 years YOUNGER than me- don't worry, he's a grad student and quite legal) but he's not real appropriate either just because I want a soulful, passionate fling and he probably doesn't at this point and it might be hurtful to him. Plus, his old girlfriend is sorta still hanging around .

 

By the way... advice on the journal: Make sure you can be completely honest and open to yourself. Not too sound too kinky, but make sure, if you are having intoxicating fantasies, that you feel free to write about sexual things in your life because then you can control those feelings when they happen at inopportune times (or with inappropriate people, if you really do not want to mess with a married man). I have had such a problem with this, that you know what I did? I bought an invisible ink pen (the kind that the writing lights up under a black light that comes with the pen) and that's what I use for my diary. Nobody will know what you're writing except you. It feels very safe.

 

Besides, it sounds to me like this guy is trying to get into your space... exciting as that may be, make sure you keep control over your own space. Nobody but you can get into your journal. Then you can make truly clear decisions about whether or not "the real you" (being true to your self) want to proceed and with whom.

 

 

NotKelly, I know that Mr. Brazen wants to start something with me b/c I asked and he finally came out and told me (we are starting to have a real friendship and openness with each other.) In your case, I don't think what you are feeling is one-sided...it's just that he hasn't said anything yet. I too thought that Mr. Brazen was lonely, wanted to be young again, extra friendly in a non politically correct way, or a massive flirt. I think he's all of these things but he is also extremely interested in me sexually and he's drawn to my energy.

 

I want him very badly as well. The thing is I am relatively inexperienced b/c I've always been a good girl. I'll done some sexual things but have never been penetrated by a man...does that make me a virgin? Anyway, I'm super horny now (and 29 years old) and feel like I've held on to this inexperience too long. (I also feel like I'm over the desired threshold for a woman so I'm excited by the fact that he is older and drawn to my "youngness.")

 

He excites me and no man has ever done that before. I was molested as a child so I went the prudent route...now, I'm ready to be reborn. Too bad he's the wrong guy for the job. I am hoping that he doesn't sense the deep insecurity I have. (Most people find me pretty, smart, funny and very outgoing...and I tend to talk a good game.)

 

NotKelly, let's make a pact to channel our energy on drawing the right man. Let's not be ashamed that we have fantasized about being with MM. I feel free now that I know I can have those thoughts...I don't have to go down a path of denigration to realize them though. Let's try to attract the right man and keep him happy when he comes along!! Let's just feel flattered that a hot man was willing to compromise his life for a moment of pleasure with us. That's an awesome power to have as a woman!!

[NotKelly]

Yeah, I get where you're coming from on the "attracted to my energy" thing - that's kind of what I'm afraid of, that I'm like a dangerous woman to know at this point in my life! I don't want the fun to stop, but I don't want to take anyone down with me!

 

You know what's hard, I've realized? Being this age, and realizing that most people my own age are already committed and settled and married-with-children and NOT looking for anything new and exciting... so I'm the odd woman out... and when I sense that there's someone out there who IS looking (maybe a little bit), it's very tempting to want to lead them on. But then again, SINGLE guys my age are often very jaded because they've spent so much time dating... and they're not exciting because of that jadedness. A married man, on the other hand, might also be looking for something new.

 

And I am keeping my new friends (we met at a volunteer group) pretty much secret from my family, and I find myself (particularly concerning this man) behaving the same way a married woman having an affair would behave - being secretive, hiding the fact I've been buying new clothes (one time, coming home from my group meeting, I had to stop at my Mom's on the way home and I actually changed my clothes in a Burger King bathroom so she couldn't see the new top I was wearing - because that top was for my friends... ). My Mom's attitude is basically "who needs men" - they are good for doing odd jobs around the house but sex is only for the man and is an unpleasant chore, etc etc.

 

So, really, this secretiveness is very exciting too and I know a lot of it has to do with discovering independence. A lot of family issues there I guess. I think my family also truly believes that I am going to go back to my ex-BF eventually but there is just too much water under the bridge for that.

 

Sigh, I wish this guy would give me a clear sign he's not interested, but every time I think he isn't, he does some little thing that's out of the ordinary... and don't even get me started on the wonderful conversations we always have about life the universe and everything. It's so nice not to have to sit there listening to other people talking boringly about taking their kids to soccer practice (although he does talk about his kids, that's not all he talks about). I am waiting for him to talk about his wife too (you know, in the same positive way that he talks about his kids)... but he just never does...

 

Here's one more suggestion - for reading - I am reading a book by C.S. Lewis called The Four Loves. It is about affection, friendship and romance, and the good and dangerous aspects of each. It's a short book and you might want to check it out.

[whichwayisup]

I am waiting for him to talk about his wife too (you know, in the same positive way that he talks about his kids)... but he just never does...

He probably doesn't feel comfortable discussing his wife with you, good or bad things as honestly, it's not your business. I know this is harsh, but honestly, you're wasting your time 'waiting' to see what he feels for you, waiting for a sign to see if he's interested...HE IS MARRIED, there is your answer.

 

Now, if he divorces, go for it! But until that happens (and I doubt it will seeing as you've already stated that he's "very" married) you shouldn't sit there and wait.

 

Is it possible that you're twisting alot of this in hope? Because of what you feel for him? Maybe he just sees you as a friend, nothing more nothing less.

[NotKelly]

Ummm... if you read my other posts I think you will understand that I am definitely unsure what this is about and what the signals really are.

 

But that doesn't mean people don't have feelings. I think the whole point of this thread is US dealing with OUR FEELINGS (as "irrational" as they may be) on our own terms.

 

I'm not "sitting there waiting" - this man and I happen to have mutual activities and mutual friends. I'm certainly not giving up my friends, regardless of what there is or isn't between him and me.

[pricillia]

Hi NotKelly and Guest

 

I understand both of what you are experiencing with the excitement of the attention that you are getting from your MM.

 

I wish that I found this website before I was with first MM, I was single for too long and he pursured me for about a year before I gave in.

 

When it got too hard I went looking for help and came across this website and the support that I got helped me. I just wish that I found it before I did what I did, but who knew...

 

It will be exciting at first but as time goes on you will get more and more attached and you will eventually get hurt.

 

You are both grown women and you can make your own decisions there are many of us OW before you and will be after but just think about what you really want out of this relationship because it will not be easy.

 

As far as me and my second MM, he did not tell me he was married so I was in love with him when I found out.

 

Point is MM will tell you what you want to hear to get what he wants from you.

[ww]

Here is how you deal with it:

-get a cold shower

-get a beer

-get a single guy