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Why am I in lust with another man?


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Old 6th September 2006, 5:02 PM   #1
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Why am I in lust with another man?

Help me understand this confusion I'm going through.

I'm married over 10 yrs to the man I thought was the love of my life. He is a truly good guy. Good dad to our kids, treats me well, we have a great intellectual and emotional connection. Not the cheating kind. Nor was I, until the last 2 yrs I have been having constant lustful thoughts about a MM I work with. Husband and I have "OK" sex-life. He is always more than willing, but as time goes on, it is less and less satisfying to me. Some things about him physically are becoming a problem to me: he's in pretty good shape, has gained a few pounds, but not major overweight, however, I have become sensitive to a "garlicky" odor on him that I cannot, for the life of me figure out why he has. Dr gives him clean bill of health, he doesn't eat spicy or other foods that would cause this....I know it sounds weird. Even if he showers right before, I can still get the scent and it's a turn-off for me. Also, he has a difficult time doing the right things with hands, mouth, etc. for me during sex. I've tried to and continue to coach him, but he's still not getting it right, after all these years! However, I do truly love him for all the effort he's been willing to put into it. So, bottom line, he's a great guy and I should be thankful to have him. Which I am, but still have this CONSUMING interest in this other person. Why is that???? What is wrong with me? Why am I not just passionately in love/lust with this sweet person that I've got?

This other guy is also a good family guy, and not the kind that would cheat on his wife/family. But when we work together, sparks fly, of the mutual attraction kind. I don't believe it's just all in my head - I think he feels it too and is participating in a subtle but deliberate way. Maybe he sees me as a safe, ego-boosting flirtation, and that is why he's giving off this vibe to me. Everyone who knows me would never suspect that I am having these thoughts of infidelity. And nothing other than flirty banter and a bit of innuendo has happened, or probably ever would. But I've got to tell you, if he made me an offer, there are more days than not that I would throw him against the wall, strip him down, and have my way with him....! WHY am I having these issues with such a good husband at home? Can't understand myself.....Am trying to talk myself out of the lust, but it just gets WORSE with time. Ridiculous!
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Old 9th September 2006, 11:09 AM   #2
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Help me understand this confusion I'm going through.

I'm married over 10 yrs to the man I thought was the love of my life. He is a truly good guy. Good dad to our kids, treats me well, we have a great intellectual and emotional connection. Not the cheating kind. Nor was I, until the last 2 yrs I have been having constant lustful thoughts about a MM I work with. Husband and I have "OK" sex-life. He is always more than willing, but as time goes on, it is less and less satisfying to me. Some things about him physically are becoming a problem to me: he's in pretty good shape, has gained a few pounds, but not major overweight, however, I have become sensitive to a "garlicky" odor on him that I cannot, for the life of me figure out why he has. Dr gives him clean bill of health, he doesn't eat spicy or other foods that would cause this....I know it sounds weird. Even if he showers right before, I can still get the scent and it's a turn-off for me. Also, he has a difficult time doing the right things with hands, mouth, etc. for me during sex. I've tried to and continue to coach him, but he's still not getting it right, after all these years! However, I do truly love him for all the effort he's been willing to put into it. So, bottom line, he's a great guy and I should be thankful to have him. Which I am, but still have this CONSUMING interest in this other person. Why is that???? What is wrong with me? Why am I not just passionately in love/lust with this sweet person that I've got?

This other guy is also a good family guy, and not the kind that would cheat on his wife/family. But when we work together, sparks fly, of the mutual attraction kind. I don't believe it's just all in my head - I think he feels it too and is participating in a subtle but deliberate way. Maybe he sees me as a safe, ego-boosting flirtation, and that is why he's giving off this vibe to me. Everyone who knows me would never suspect that I am having these thoughts of infidelity. And nothing other than flirty banter and a bit of innuendo has happened, or probably ever would. But I've got to tell you, if he made me an offer, there are more days than not that I would throw him against the wall, strip him down, and have my way with him....! WHY am I having these issues with such a good husband at home? Can't understand myself.....Am trying to talk myself out of the lust, but it just gets WORSE with time. Ridiculous!
You're treading dangerously....

You're thinking of cheating on your husband. You're looking for an excuse to cheat on him. You're using his "body odor" as an excuse to justify your thoughts of cheating. If you've read enough from either side of the infidelity posts, you should know that there's a HIGH PRICE to pay when a person makes the conscious decision to cheat rather than dealing with the issues in your M.

Dealing with this issue with your H is temporary. Find the cause! Dealing with an A has lasting implications especially on kids! And if you're prepared to want to lose EVERYTHING then you better be prepared and start looking for an attorney. Think about it....

Have you ever thought that your H may have a medical problem that may not have anything to do with diet or what he eats?

A few weeks ago, Dateline (can't remember exactly) did a special on this subject on a teacher who had this offensive body odor since she was a child. The odor was "fishy". It got so bad that she had to quit her job. After countless of doctors over the years they finally isolated the problem to an enzyme that caused her body to secrete this odor. She now has to take medications and adjust her diet.

Do a google search on body odor. If the situation is reversed, wouldn't you want to help your H deal with it and at least find a cure? I'm sure that your H can sense your withdrawal and possibly lowers his self-esteem.

You're now drawn into an illusion of another man. Do you know what the problems with an illusion? It has no flaws. It doesn't account for STDs. AND you don't know if your nasal sensitivity will sniff an odor of a different kind....once you get close enough.

Last edited by FlyingHigh; 9th September 2006 at 11:20 AM..
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Old 9th September 2006, 11:21 AM   #3
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Help me understand this confusion I'm going through.

I'm married over 10 yrs to the man I thought was the love of my life. He is a truly good guy. Good dad to our kids, treats me well, we have a great intellectual and emotional connection. Not the cheating kind. Nor was I, until the last 2 yrs I have been having constant lustful thoughts about a MM I work with. Husband and I have "OK" sex-life. He is always more than willing, but as time goes on, it is less and less satisfying to me. Some things about him physically are becoming a problem to me: he's in pretty good shape, has gained a few pounds, but not major overweight, however, I have become sensitive to a "garlicky" odor on him that I cannot, for the life of me figure out why he has. Dr gives him clean bill of health, he doesn't eat spicy or other foods that would cause this....I know it sounds weird. Even if he showers right before, I can still get the scent and it's a turn-off for me. Also, he has a difficult time doing the right things with hands, mouth, etc. for me during sex. I've tried to and continue to coach him, but he's still not getting it right, after all these years! However, I do truly love him for all the effort he's been willing to put into it. So, bottom line, he's a great guy and I should be thankful to have him. Which I am, but still have this CONSUMING interest in this other person. Why is that???? What is wrong with me? Why am I not just passionately in love/lust with this sweet person that I've got?

This other guy is also a good family guy, and not the kind that would cheat on his wife/family. But when we work together, sparks fly, of the mutual attraction kind. I don't believe it's just all in my head - I think he feels it too and is participating in a subtle but deliberate way. Maybe he sees me as a safe, ego-boosting flirtation, and that is why he's giving off this vibe to me. Everyone who knows me would never suspect that I am having these thoughts of infidelity. And nothing other than flirty banter and a bit of innuendo has happened, or probably ever would. But I've got to tell you, if he made me an offer, there are more days than not that I would throw him against the wall, strip him down, and have my way with him....! WHY am I having these issues with such a good husband at home? Can't understand myself.....Am trying to talk myself out of the lust, but it just gets WORSE with time. Ridiculous!

My husband has the garlic odor and it also turns my stomach.It makes hard to kiss or get close too him.He is in the haeavy side which dosen't bother me, but I know what you are saying about the smell.It is not pleasant....
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Old 9th September 2006, 11:24 AM   #4
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How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.

I think it's normal to get little secret crushes when you're married this long. You just have to recognize them for what they are..nothing more and nothing less.

You don't have to act on them and you shouldn't act on them.

Maybe you can take a baths together with your husband?

You need to cut the innuendo and flirting out with this other guy. The same thing happened to me when I was working. It was with a client of mine. I finally told him one day that it needed to stop. I told him that we're both married and what was going on was a slippery slope. He apologized and said I was right and it was strictly business on the phone after that.

Perhaps it's time for you to have this kind of talk with this guy. Why tempt fate?
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Old 9th September 2006, 11:26 AM   #5
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My husband has the garlic odor and it also turns my stomach.It makes hard to kiss or get close too him.He is in the haeavy side which dosen't bother me, but I know what you are saying about the smell.It is not pleasant....
I have a girlfriend who is a clean freak. She makes her boyfriend take a shower BEFORE they do deed. Her BF is no fool! He knows what he's getting after the shower.

Have you guys ever done that?
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Old 9th September 2006, 11:33 AM   #6
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How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.

I think it's normal to get little secret crushes when you're married this long. You just have to recognize them for what they are..nothing more and nothing less.

You don't have to act on them and you shouldn't act on them.

Maybe you can take a baths together with your husband?

You need to cut the innuendo and flirting out with this other guy. The same thing happened to me when I was working. It was with a client of mine. I finally told him one day that it needed to stop. I told him that we're both married and what was going on was a slippery slope. He apologized and said I was right and it was strictly business on the phone after that.

Perhaps it's time for you to have this kind of talk with this guy. Why tempt fate?
Good for you!!

I went through that as well. I had a lady boss and her H was an attorney who handled the business. I was 21 and the MM was in his 30's. I know the chemistry you're referring about. I finally told him to stop because his W was my boss, I liked and respected her; and if he were going to cheat on her, it wasn't going to be with me. He left me alone after that.
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Old 9th September 2006, 12:36 PM   #7
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i am trying to pick up the pieces of my life after having just come out about an A i was having. I have possibly ruined the life i had plus my husbands life. at the moment my kids are clueless but if this ends in divorce then their lives will also never be the same. please think about all of this.
mine started out on the internet as harmless flirting. it felt like something i could stop at any time. but i got caught up in it. i got carried away & had/thought i had developed feelings for this OM, enough that i allowed it to turn into a physical A.
once i did this the guilt was more than i could bare. i thought i was so in love with this OM that i actually gave thought to leaving my family to be with him. i am still not over what i feel like is the 'addiction' to him & i am still trying to come to terms with why i did it.
i too have a wonderful husband of 18 years, wonderful father, treats me better than i know any other man ever would. yet i did this anyway. now i have to figure out why. i married young & our sex life is good but hasn't been truly exciting for years. maybe that's a partial reason for me, i don't know.
you should, if you can, try to think these things out before you cross the line & there is no going back to that faithful wife you have been for 10 years. someone asked how old you were, i am 38 & feel like this is such a midlife crisis for me.
best of luck to you.
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Old 9th September 2006, 12:58 PM   #8
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Consider that the MM you're lusting after may be a dud in bed, even less capable of doing the right things with his hands and mouth...after all, he's been taught to do the right things for his wife, not you.

Consider that once you take the step into affair land, you'll never be the same and your marriage may not recover.

Consider that there really is a medical cause for your H's garlic odor. As Flying High said, I've also heard of situations where the body does not process a certain enzyme, and it comes out in sweat. Google TMAU (Trimethylaminuria) - it's a metabolic disorder and family doctors aren't necessarily up on it because it's fairly rare. All you need to test for it though are urine or blood test. Some say it's a fishy odor, some say it's garlicky, some say it's other odors, but it's worth looking into.
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Old 9th September 2006, 4:00 PM   #9
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Consider that the MM you're lusting after may be a dud in bed, even less capable of doing the right things with his hands and mouth...after all, he's been taught to do the right things for his wife, not you.

Consider that once you take the step into affair land, you'll never be the same and your marriage may not recover.

Consider that there really is a medical cause for your H's garlic odor. As Flying High said, I've also heard of situations where the body does not process a certain enzyme, and it comes out in sweat. Google TMAU (Trimethylaminuria) - it's a metabolic disorder and family doctors aren't necessarily up on it because it's fairly rare. All you need to test for it though are urine or blood test. Some say it's a fishy odor, some say it's garlicky, some say it's other odors, but it's worth looking into.
Thank you!

For the life of me, I couldn't remember that disorder name. I knew it started with a "T" and my mind kept thinking Triaminic (HA!!) the grape flavored cough medicine my Mom used to give us. LOL!
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Old 11th September 2006, 2:26 PM   #10
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[QUOTE=Touche;912303]How old are you? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.

I think it's normal to get little secret crushes when you're married this long. You just have to recognize them for what they are..nothing more and nothing less. QUOTE]

Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for all the good advice. Yes, I think this may be a midlife crisis, too. I'm 37. I guess it just caught me by surprise because I never have been one to worry about myself too much, always the one saying "Give me a break! Grow up already!" over other people's foolish behavior at midlife. I guess that'll teach me to pass judgement on other's behavior!

I'm pretty sure that my husband's problem isn't medical...he's a physician and keeps up on his health care. However, I will talk to him about going to see his own doctor and make sure everything is ok.

I've thought that this other guy might be a dud in bed, too!! Unfortunately, in my fantasies, he's not!!! - Just kidding. I certainly get what everyone who has already been there, done that is trying to tell me. I'm really not looking to screw up my family's (or OM's family's) lives. I guess, as kooky as it sounds, I'm really finally getting into my own sexuality (I know - a REALLY late bloomer....) and it's seeming a force to be reckoned with. Anyway, over the weekend since I posted this originally, I've decided to chalk it up to midlife and try to GET OVER MYSELF. But I've got to tell ya, sometimes it ain't easy when I have to deal with OM at work.... I shall prevail, though. First off, I'm not exactly sure this guy would even GO THERE with me, and second, hubby is still a good guy and my kids are way too important.

Thanks all for being my sounding board...I really needed it.
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Old 11th September 2006, 4:01 PM   #11
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One more point (following a plethora of really good advice). If you "coach" your husband, pretty soon you will both lose the spontaneity that really good sex requires.

Don't think at all about what he can do to better please you. Think instead about what you can do to better please him. Pretty soon neither of you will be thinking at all!!
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