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Husband had Emotional Affair 4 years with his Ex and I never knew


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I never thought I'd see the day this would ever happen.

When we first met I believed we were soulmates. He made me believe that's how he felt too. But after 4 years I think it was all a lie.

 

A few days ago I saw an email address I didn't recognize on our computer. We told each other about our emails and our passwords when we first got married because we wanted to never hide anything from each other. When I used his usual password, it didn't let me in. I was baffled, confused and a bit angry by this. But I didn't want to assume anything. I thought maybe he just wanted to have his own email and thought nothing of it. Then I started thinking things in my mind. Bad things. I wanted to ask him about this email address then I hesitated. I thought maybe I could dig deeper and see if I found anything else. Somehow I was able to figure out his password and I couldn't believe what I found. From the time we got married until now he'd been communicating with is ex girlfriend. The same girlfriend he told me cheated on him. I found letters he'd written to her that tore out my heart. All the things he used to tell me. How much he loved her. How she was the only one in his heart and how he felt so lost without her. Poetry, emails upon emails and they also discussed talking on the phone. I hunted for phone numbers and didn't find anything. My heart was so broken and I couldn't take it. I went to my parents before he came home and cried for hours.

 

This is the same man who made me believe we were soulmates. All that we'd been through and all the days of my life with him meant nothing.

 

My parents couldn't believe it either. They made me promise to wait a month and not let him find out I know. The emails were dated 2003-2006 last month. And the lovey dovey ones were in 2003. The last one was in 2004 where he wrote her and after that she had sent him jokes that he didn't seem to have opened and her photos until July 2006. Maybe it was dying out, and he's moving on. I know he checks that email address and he's been doing it every day a few times. Maybe he's waiting for her to write. Maybe they just talk on the phone so I won't know. I'm not sure any more. I just don't know how to act. I'm not a good actor and it shows in my face that something's bothering me. He noticed it. But I lied. I told him it was about work. I made other excuses.

 

One thing I do know is there were signs that I've been ignoring for some time. We sleep together only a few times a year, I thought it was because he was under a lot of stress and his job (contractor) was tough. When I come near him he makes an excuse that he's tired or that he wants to do something. He doesn't do anything romantic with me. He sleeps a lot and maybe sometimes we'll cuddle. When he gets mad at me he has a very bad anger that makes me shake and it's always my fault. I always apologize to make up. Seldom he does.

 

So now, here I am, 2 days later sitting as he's taking a nap and writing to anyone out there who can tell me what to do. Should I just let this go and hope nothing moves on? Wait for proof or catch him in the act like my parents say?

 

This emotional affair that he's had with his ex killed all my feelings for him. I don't believe his love for me anymore. I don't know where his mind or heart is. Is he lying to me when he says I love you?

 

I'm 33 he's 38. And his ex is now 26. She lives in Orange county and we are in sacramento.

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whichwayisup

Tell him exactly what you said here. Tell him how it made you feel when you noticed her emails and all their exchanges.

 

If you love him and want it to work out, go to marriage counselling. Make him END that friendship with her ASAP otherwise your marriage will be harder to fix.

 

Tell him that you've lost ALL your faith and trust in him because of what he's done. Don't let him talk his way out of it, even if it is over and they don't talk anymore...The damage is done.

 

And, if he asks why you looked at his emails - Tell the truth. Something didn't seem right in your gut and when you tried his password and it didn't work, you knew why.....

 

Sorry that you're in so much pain...The sooner you open up and talk to him about all this, the sooner you two can patch things up or end the marriage.

 

Can I ask? Is his ex married as well? If so, maybe let HER know that if she contacts YOUR husband again YOU will contact HER husband...That ought to put some scare into her so she'll leave him alone.

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LakesideDream

Along with all the "bad news" there is some good news too. As you said, it appears to be dying out.

 

Old lovers sometimes can be hard to let go. What he did was very wrong, both breaking your trust and him leaning on another woman emotionally.

 

Before you do ANYTHING I suggest you print all those e-mails and read them carefully. You may be able to gleen some insight into what he "believed" (what he believed however truthfull is important) was missing from your relationship. It never hurts to have the hard copy either.

 

Happily he didn't act on his impulses. I don't envy you the heartbreak that's coming. Win or lose, good ending or bad it's going to hurt like hell.

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I don't envy you the heartbreak that's coming. Win or lose, good ending or bad it's going to hurt like hell.

 

True enough. But when you win... it's damn good stuff. ;)

 

The old relationship wasn't working. It lacked honest communications. There's an opportunity to be had here in forging something NEW.

 

I'm in agreement with the others. Print off the evidence, store it someplace safe.... then put the issue out on the table. It's going to take BOTH of you to fix the relationship anyway.... otherwise, the status quo will persist.

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I just keep hoping he will eventually stop doing it and tell me the truth himself but I'm wrong aren't I? She does have a boyfriend though and she's still going to school. Not sure how that will end up but in one of her emails it said she may get married to him. The weird thing is I feel that even though he wants to communicate with her, she has moved on and just thinks of him as a friend. But it still doesn't seem right. Especially since he kept writing those emotional emails about how he missed her so much and how he loves the way she talks and smiles...etc..

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Brittanyjean06

If somethign was lacking from the relationship he woulden't have made you believe all this lovey dovey stuff. This was going on from the begining of your marriage. Begone husband

 

 

I'm sorry :-(

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LakesideDream

It's a shame isn't it? We find it ourselves in the necessary position of looking at out spouses emails, credit card recepits, cel and phone bills. Or at least the more "aware" of us do.

 

For 25 years I never did. In fact I didn't have a clue even after the three day no fault divorce. If she hadn't mistakenly left behind a couple of boxes of paperwork I would never have known the extent of the premeditation.

 

It's easy to see "after the fact". The shutting down when I walked into the computer room. The times I walked into the bedroom and she put her hand over the phone telling me she was talking to a GF, even the time her purse "rang" (I didn't know she had a cel), and the phone work "loaned" her went off. The hour delay coming home from her job (to talk on that cel).

 

If there is a new lady in my life full time, will I be more carefull? Probably not at first, it's not my personality. I will act much quicker if I become suspicious though. I guess that's why it's "if" not "when".

 

Be careful coral. In fact, if there are no children involved think seriously about ending the relationship before you invest more into it. Believe me, you don't want to wake up twenty years later and find out your husbands "real" soulmate is now his full time bedmate.

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I made a promise to my parents to not do anything for a few weeks to see how my therapy goes but I truly believe the only thing that is going to help me is to confront this. They don't want to see my side because they love him so much. That SOB tricked us all into believing he was perfect. God. I felt so sick yesterday and he noticed it too. He seems so worried for me but every day I keep thinking in my head, "you liar, how could you do this to me?" I am never one to hide things if I know they would hurt someone but most definately it looks like it's no big deal to him. I hate life right now. I am so afraid of being alone and divorce. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with a man after this. I wish I did things differently 4 years ago.

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LakesideDream

Don't get so dramatic! It's not "A" man or any man who betrayed you, it's one particular individual.

 

You say you are afraid of divorce and "being alone". Believe me it's not that bad, not even after 25 years (not 4).

 

You are young and will recover one way or the other. Just don't "settle" for less than you want or deserve. If you do you will never stop regretting it.

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