Is it the cheating or the telling of it that harms?

[michelangelo]

I believe that it is the cheating that harms one's spouse, not the telling of it.

 

I also believe that the telling of the affair is a necessary part of both ending the affair and recovering from it.

 

The betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth of how their life is with their straying spouse.

 

Yes, it is painful to find out one's spouse has betrayed you and the marriage. But there is no point in the false protection of hiding the affair. The wounding has occurred already by the cheating.

 

Thoughts?

[alphamale]

The betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth of how their life is with their straying spouse.

 

Thoughts?

I don't agree. I was reading in the paper a few wks ago that some old dude on his death bed confessed to his 80 yr old wife that he had had numerous affairs while married to her. He was some religious guy who was active in the church. Now he is dead and she has to deal with all that crap.

[michelangelo]

Dear Abby's great, but I'm thinking about situations that are not corner cases.

 

What if he'd confessed 20 years earlier? His wife would have had time to process things be it to stay or go or even to just get an STD test.

 

She can't get any why answers out of him now.

[LakesideDream]

I'm not sure what "Deserves" have to do with it. I am sure that infidelity away from home leads to conflict in the home. Withdrawl of affection, indifference, arrogance and more that I am unable to annunciate.

 

I have experianced it first hand and it's very unpleasant. Finding out the truth was a relief allowing me to move on with my life.

[RecordProducer]

Hey Michelangelo!

 

I think the real question would be: can you have an affair and keep things at home good at the same time, then stay cool when the affair ends?

 

I see that many men can. But women give themselves away due to their high emotions. Remember that wife whose husband had cheated for 10 years with a good family friend? She never suspected anything for 10 years until one day. She says they had a good marriage, kids-oriented.

 

OK, he didn't feel guilty, he didn't want to end the affair so he doesn't apply in this case. He denied when she caught him then suddenly became very regretful after she presented evidence.

 

All in all, I think where cheating starts - the marriage is over... long time ago. You can choose to stay room mates, sex partners, parents, and perform all the daily duties together, but things can't be the same. But then again, what do I know? Never happened to me so far... knock, knock...

[Adunaphel]

I believe that it is the cheating that harms one's spouse, not the telling of it.

 

I also believe that the telling of the affair is a necessary part of both ending the affair and recovering from it.

 

The betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth of how their life is with their straying spouse.

 

Yes, it is painful to find out one's spouse has betrayed you and the marriage. But there is no point in the false protection of hiding the affair. The wounding has occurred already by the cheating.

 

Thoughts?

 

I could not agree more.

 

Just a couple of thoughts.

Yes, it is painful to find out one's spouse has betrayed you and the marriage. But there is no point in the false protection of hiding the affair. The wounding has occurred already by the cheating.

 

It is unbelievable the confusion some people can make between their SO's feelings and their own asses.

As in "I did not tell him/her about the affair to protect his/her feelings".

IMO if you also lie about what happened, you are actually harming the other people more.

 

I am thinking of a couple of other exceptions in which it might be *not so bad* (not okay, just a little more understandable/forgivable) not to tell (at least in my personal opinion).

 

- you cheat once (a very, very short fling or a one night stand-even without sex), with some person you have not pursued and you are not going to see again in your life, you feel awful about it, there is no way you could have got an STD ,you had never cheated before and you are sure you will never ever cheat again.

 

- you cheat once (again, a thing you did not expect) on someone you would have broken up with anyway and you break up with your gf/bf immediately after the cheating has occurred, without blaming the break up on him/her more than you would have if you hadn't cheated.

[Ripples]

In the cases where the cheater wants to keep his/her marriage/life partnership and end the affair I don't think telling achieves anything but harm. I think that, in these circumstances, the telling can be a way of off loading guilt, the cheater no longer has to live with himself/herself.

 

But if the cheater does want to end his marriage/life partnership then, yeah, I agree, the right thing to do is tell.

 

Kinda tricky though, each scenario is going to be unique and so much depends on the individuals concerned.

[newbby]

how can anyone answer this question? you can only be upset about the cheating, if you know about it. unless there are any cheaters who are very aware of their spouses emotional state, and how it has been affected since they began the a. i think its unlikely, because most cheaters are either completely selfish, or completely self absorbed at the time of cheating, or completely angry at their spouse.

another question could be, was it worse discovering the cheating or the amount of time it was hidden from you. if somebody cheated and told immediately, even after a long affair, was that worse than say a short term affair that was kept secret for mny years?