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My bf of 2 years cheated on me 6 months ago with his ex. She only lives 1/4 mile away. They broke up 3 years ago but lived together for 8. I surprised him at his house and saw her car there - up until then there were no warnings...

 

He begged me to take him back, and told me he would never see her again. I did.

 

After about 3 months I came over in the afternoon and saw 2 coffee cups in the sink. The guy is neat freak and does the dishes every night. I started to get suspicious and when a call came in at a weird time, and he didn't pick it up, I *69 it and her number came up. I admitted to what I had done, apologized and confronted him. He said nothing was happening but they are friends and do talk once in a while.

 

A month ago I counted his condoms - we don't use them b/c we are supposedly exclusive. When I counted them 2 weeks ago there were 2 missing. I went crazy, left and sent a very nasty e-mail.

 

When we did speak he of course denied everything...saying he had brought the condoms to my house the week before...

 

I didn't speak to him after that - just an email asking him to be honest with me so that I could heal, go forward and hopefully, trust again (with someone else).

 

He sent me an email but I can't read it. I'm too afraid that it will still be dishonesty, blaming me...things that will make me feel worse.

 

My question is - I seriously want to make sure he doesn't do this to someone else. He is very good at lying and making people feel safe - he use to call me from his home phone every night before he went to bed, so that I would know that he was alone.

 

He is already back on an online dating service that a friend of mine uses. She emailed him and he responded.

 

Would it be wrong, if I could get into his emails and read them, to get the email addresses of the women he was contacting to let them know to stay away from him with a 10ft pole.

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"I seriously want to make sure he doesn't do this to someone else"

 

 

Well unfortunatly, you can't. If he is going to cheat etc, he is going to do it reguardless. You don't need to even waste your time getting into his emails and reading them. Why would you want to? He has already proven to you what kind of person he is, so the emails are not important. Probably the best thing to do, is move on. Don't take him back, unless you want this to happen to you again. Just move on from the situation.

 

 

Jade

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It's not your job to do it. Perhaps if a friend confesses to you she's talking to him, and asks how you feel, then it's fine to let her know what happened with you. But if she was a good enough friend, she'd probably already know?!

 

It's not your job or your place to warn other women about him. Just move on and away from him.

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bluechocolate

I seriously want to make sure he doesn't do this to someone else.

 

I doubt it. You're angry & that's fair enough. You're probably angry with yourself too. You feel tricked, betrayed, foolish. If you want to warn a friend off him, yes, you should probably do that. But you can't be a saviour to each potential new date of his. Not only is it impractical, it will not allow you to....

 

.....heal, go forward and hopefully, trust again (with someone else).

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Would it be wrong, if I could get into his emails and read them, to get the email addresses of the women he was contacting to let them know to stay away from him with a 10ft pole.

 

It would be really REALLY wrong. More than that, it would be illegal, and you could get in major trouble.

 

Just let him go, you can never control another person. You couldn't control him when you were with him, and you sure as anything can't control him when you aren't.

 

Do what JadeStar said, just move on.

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Unfortunately, people don't come with warning labels or a resume complete with references from former lovers, family and friends. Sure would be nice if they did … but I guarantee a majority of people would never be given a second chance to grow and learn from their experiences (and work at finally getting it right) if all their past secrets, blunders and misdeeds were made public record.

 

Fact of life: people are capable of all sorts of foul, selfish behavior. It's often easier for people to tell a lie or omit the truth than it is to be completely open and honest. It only hurts more when it comes from someone you care about and hoped you could "trust." We're all fear driven to a certain extent and worry about exposing ourselves to risk. The only way to prevent ourselves from being crippled by our lack of faith in others is to hope for the best in each individual while being prepared to handle ourselves with strength and dignity in the event of the worst.

 

So far, you've done just that! :bunny:

 

Your boyfriend did you dirty, and you are justified in feeling disappointed in him and betrayed. However, giving him that second chance made YOU the better person … even though he blew it. But that's on him, not you. You should be feeling good about yourself that you were willing to forgive and afford him the benefit of the doubt in spite of how he treated you the first time around. Even better that you now know (far beyond a reasonable doubt) that this is NOT someone worth investing any more of your time and energy in. You have successfully managed to filter out at least one jerk in your life, so consider yourself finally paroled. Time served! ;)

 

And life goes on, your load lightened for a short while until you meet someone and fall in love all over again …

 

As far as the blame game, don't play it with him. You're better than that, and worth more than that. People who are backed into a corner by their own behavior and cannot face the man/woman in the mirror usually resort to denial and externalization because they can not bare to look within. You, on the other hand, have done nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. So stiffen your backbone, hold your chin high and feel proud of the person you are. :)

 

Meanwhile, extricate yourself from this guy's toxic orbit. Amputate him completely from your life and chalk it up as a valuable lesson learned. Don't bother investing any more of your precious time and energy trying to warn every single woman he comes into contact with from here on out. This could suck up the rest of your life and prevent you from moving on to a better and happier place. You've already given him two years … he's hardly earned even one more second!

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whichwayisup
Would it be wrong, if I could get into his emails and read them, to get the email addresses of the women he was contacting to let them know to stay away from him with a 10ft pole.

 

Yes it would be wrong. You weren't married to the guy, you were dating him. Plus, going into someone's email with the intent of ruining is life, well - Let's just say TWO WRONGS do not make a right.

 

If you want to heal and get over him, the best thing you can do for yourself is - Detach emotionally from him. Go into NC mode, don't talk to him ever again. Dump him and forget it. Indifference, not caring and feeling nothing is where you need to get to so YOU can move on....

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I agree with the others. Do NOT invade his privacy because yes, if you go to far, it can and just might become a legal issue, of which I am sure you don't want to be involved with.

 

It is rotten what he did to you, no one questions this. I understand and can relate to your wanting to save the next 'victim' from his evil ways.. but unless you personally know this person, do not go out of your way, sneaking around and looking for things to do to make him look bad. Whomever he chooses next, if he doesn't change his ways, will find out the hard way, just as you had.

 

The only way you can get over this, and move on is by letting it go and move on. It won't be easy, trust me. Thoughts will race through your mind, but you need to learn to control that, and by going on a crusade of saving others will only continue to remind you and make you hurt even more.

 

I wish you the best, keep your chin up and keep looking forward.. its not worth looking back.

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I feel for ya. Mine went down the same way. I had no clue he was seeing someoneelse, let alone engaged. She lived in the neighboring town and he must of got really comfortable and sloppy towards the end because I noticed little things like your coffee mug incident.

 

I noticed two tooth brushes in his bathroom one day and the next there was only one. (strange I thought). Then 2 brochures of caribbean destinations on his coffee table. (claimed it was spam mail.) Then wham! the truth came out. He's getting married.

 

In your case to warn random people in his email, who aren't even dating him would seem a little much (ok psycho) :rolleyes: . But if you know he is dating someone.. I would warn her.

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RecordProducer

You think that someone is good at lying and pretending, but if you caught them then they're not good. And once they get caught, the trust is lost forever. Often rumors will pop up and mark someone's reputation. Don't warn anyone of anything unless you're sure it's happening to her also.

 

Frankly, he was obviously not in love with you if he could sleep with his ex at the same time. Perhaps he will be different when he falls in love.

 

If my husband dumped me now and I started dating some guy I don't care much about, I would probably cheat on him with my husband. I can easily imagine that situation (not stating for sure that I would). But the moment I fall in love with someone and become exclusive with him, I can't sleep around.

 

Just because someone treated you in a certain way, doesn't mean he would treat everyone the same way. Get over it and get him out of your system.

 

Broken vanity is an evil witch - burn her in the oven before she attacks you! ;)

 

Whichwayisup gave you a great advice.

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Frankly, he was obviously not in love with you if he could sleep with his ex at the same time. Perhaps he will be different when he falls in love.

Your gonna get BW after you with this one.

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RecordProducer
Your gonna get BW after you with this one.

Why? As WWIU said: they were not married. Things are not black OR white in this life so why pretend that they have to be or view them as such? In that case, everything is black, because nothing is really white.

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The whole 'If he is sleeping around he doesn't love you bit.' I was ducking because I thought bw would actack that. I don't think signing a peace of paper lessens the blow of feeling betrayed or cheated...a committed long term relationship will give the same results.

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You may want to "help" others, but I think the real deal here is that you want to pry more into his business. You want to find out more details. You have been betrayed and now you are curious to find out more of what he is up to.

 

Dump him and butt out of his nasty little business.

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My bf of 2 years cheated on me 6 months ago with his ex. She only lives 1/4 mile away. They broke up 3 years ago but lived together for 8. I surprised him at his house and saw her car there - up until then there were no warnings...

 

He begged me to take him back, and told me he would never see her again. I did.

 

After about 3 months I came over in the afternoon and saw 2 coffee cups in the sink. The guy is neat freak and does the dishes every night. I started to get suspicious and when a call came in at a weird time, and he didn't pick it up, I *69 it and her number came up. I admitted to what I had done, apologized and confronted him. He said nothing was happening but they are friends and do talk once in a while.

 

A month ago I counted his condoms - we don't use them b/c we are supposedly exclusive. When I counted them 2 weeks ago there were 2 missing. I went crazy, left and sent a very nasty e-mail.

 

When we did speak he of course denied everything...saying he had brought the condoms to my house the week before...

 

I didn't speak to him after that - just an email asking him to be honest with me so that I could heal, go forward and hopefully, trust again (with someone else).

 

He sent me an email but I can't read it. I'm too afraid that it will still be dishonesty, blaming me...things that will make me feel worse.

 

My question is - I seriously want to make sure he doesn't do this to someone else. He is very good at lying and making people feel safe - he use to call me from his home phone every night before he went to bed, so that I would know that he was alone.

 

He is already back on an online dating service that a friend of mine uses. She emailed him and he responded.

 

Would it be wrong, if I could get into his emails and read them, to get the email addresses of the women he was contacting to let them know to stay away from him with a 10ft pole.

 

 

yes it would be completely wrong!

 

I understand your concern for others, but what is more important is you learned a lesson for your own good. YOu need to get over him, he`s a jerk! You will find so much better elsewhere.

I am A 35 yr old man, and i tell you from experience...he is NO GOOD FOR YOU GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON!

 

Peace!

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