selfless love is just an illusion

[Guest]

I was (still am- technically) married to my wife for 4 years and had been together for 2 years prior to that. We were very much in love and believed to be soul mates. I know it is incredibly rare to find the connection and love that we had. We were both successful professionals with promising futures. We were getting settled into life and had talked with excitement of having a child (making a baby, as we called it). Well at that time we took a holiday at a seaside resort. Life was good…. till an unfortunate incident occurred.

 

While walking back to our rooms, a concrete figurine from the façade of the hotel building broke off and fell above us. As I was walking a few paces behind my wife I saw it falling about to hit my wife on the head. I lurched and shoved her forward to move her out of the way. I pushed her forward but I was wearing rubber thongs and tripped on them and couldn’t get out of the way myself. It hit me on the head and I blacked out. The last thing I remember before that is seeing my wife start to turn back to look at me.

 

The next thing I remember is feeling drowsy and this dull thudding in my head an opening my eyes; bleary eyed. I heard a lot of commotion around me and blacked out again. I woke up again and realized I was in a hospital but still couldn’t see anything clearly, but a while later my vision started becoming clearer till I could see the doctors and nurses around me. One doctor smiled at me and conducted a quick vision test and asking me my name and other details to check on my mental capability.

 

He welcomed me back and said that he will get in touch with my family to let them know that I had woken up. I nodded, but as I was still drowsy was drifting on and off into sleep/consciousness. When I woke up again, I found my Sis-in-Law there (my brother’s wife). She was holding my hand seated on the side of the bed. She was crying but she smiled at me and gave me a long kiss on the forehead and said that they are all so happy that I was back. She said that she came over as soon as the hospital called. My brother was taking the day off from his work and would be with us very soon.

 

When I asked about my wife, she told me that she was not in town but will be back soon to see me, but I felt that she was trying to evade the question. But I was too tired to think about it or anything else. I continued to doze off and wake up. When I woke up again, my brother was sitting on the other side of the bed looking at me and I could see he was very emotional but was trying to remain composed. He said mom and dad are on their way (they live 3 hours from us) and that my wife had gone on a work related trip abroad and that he was trying to contact her.

 

Well, I found out that I had been in a coma for 17 months and that they hadn’t known whether I would awake at all. After a lot of checks and examinations I was checked out from the hospital after another 6 days, but was supposed to be under constant monitoring. Since my wife was not yet back (because they couldn’t contact her), they took me to my brother’s house so they could be there to monitor me.

 

I was feeling much better from the second day onwards, and by the time I got back to my brother’s house I was feeling fine, except a bit tired and a bit weak in the muscles. I had some problems with coordination as well, but it was getting better. I. was just frustrated that they hadn’t been able to reach my wife as I was looking forward to being with her. They told me that I had probably saved her life and that she wasn’t injured except for a cut palm and bruised knees when she fell forward.

 

About 3 days after I reached home, my Sis-in-law (sis) who was always with me started talking more philosophically to me. She said that I should expect a lot of changes, that I had been away a long time and should not expect things to be the same way that they were when I had the accident. She didn’t go deeper into it and when I was asking her about it, she said she was talking about life in general but “there is nothing that can’t be weathered”.

 

By this time I had stated taking walks in the nearby park along with my sis and when I asked her more and asked her if it was related to my wife, she slowly started giving me details. She said it was related to my wife, but she would prefer it we all sat down together (bro, mom & dad) before talking about it. She told me that my wife was seeing someone else now, and that they had left on a month long cruise just a couple of days before I woke up.

 

She said my wife used to come to see me at the hospital regularly etc. well, over the next couple of days they told me that they didn’t know if I was ever going to recover, and that I was put in the special facility to take care of me and they were all there with me regularly holding my hand even when I was in the coma. My wife apparently told my sis about 4 months back that she was seeing someone. And that about a month back had announced that she was pregnant and that they were engaged. She and my brother discussed about how to proceed with everything and it was decided that our assets would be split and my share would be put in a trust account in my name.

 

There was also the substantial amount of money that I got as compensation from the resort (they chose to settle). This was already in the trust account being used for my ongoing care. She was taking the house as I couldn’t have any use for it. Also that my brother took over as my legal representative on all my affairs, but that my wife still wanted to remain a secondary trustee in my affairs. She had put in an application to annul/end our marriage so that they could marry. She was currently on a cruise with him, after which they would be visiting his family who were living abroad, before returning back.

 

This was why that they didn’t contact her. Well they said that they can still contact her in the middle of the cruise by getting in touch with the cruise company and paging the ship, but they wanted to prepare me first. I told them not to call her and that I needed time. The next day I went over to my (old) house and found that the new guy’s stuff has virtually replaced mine in the house. I found my clothes and a lot of stuff in suitcases and boxes in on the storage racks in the garage. They were using our old bedroom and my cupboard full of his stuff. I walked into her wardrobe and saw her clothes hung up and just stood there holding a shawl to my knows and inhaling her smell, and it was then I started crying for the first time since I heard all this, till then I was in shock.

 

When I opened the bedside drawer I found a tape. We had filmed ourselves in bed, just for fun, but this tape looked a lot newer. Even though I realized what it was, I slid it into the VCR and played it. It was both of them being intimate in bed, I thing I just saw the first 5 minutes clearly, after that it was all through tears or in a daze. I replaced the tape, picked all my stuff and left. Over the next 2 days I met with our solicitor (who was already handling her application for separation/annulment), and I told him to draw papers to submit the application as a joint petition to divorce with the same terms that she had agreed with my brother, and I signed my parts and left it with him so that she can sign it when she gets back. I left instructions empowering my brother to handle everything on my behalf. I decided to move on, and concentrate on becoming totally well again.

 

It was decided that I should take time off and getaway for a while. So we decided to go to my Sis’s parent’s house. They have a country house by the lake, and I could do with some fishing and the fresh air would be good for me. My Sis would come with me and stay with her parents for a month or so and my bro would visit us every weekend. And thus we moved.

 

Well now my wife/ex is back in town. Someone apparently informed her of my status. And she is persistently trying to get in touch with me. Except my family no one knows where I am, so she has been calling my sis asking her to help her to get in touch with me. She says she doesn’t want a divorce, and that she only started seeing him because she felt that I was not going to wake up. My sis told her that I cannot be put through this stress now, but my sis will convey what my wife/ex had to tell me.

 

I told her to tell my ex that she should stick with her current man and they are going to have a baby together. When she was told this, she was pleading that that’s not what she wants and that she will have an abortion for me, she said she wants a chance to see me and talk to me face to face. I told my sis to tell her not to do anything for me. My sis told her that it is not advisable to put me to such stress after a major trauma, and not to pressurize me. She still calls my sis every day to ask about how I am. I told my sis to ask her to stop doing this and let me move on with my life as she has with hers. But she still calls everyday.

 

How do I handle this situation? Should I change the joint petition for divorce and appeal on my own behalf? Or is there a better way.

[silentcharon]

Wow. 17 months is a very long time, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I was your wife. Is the baby the only reason why you won't take her back?

 

There are counselling, you could consider trying that out before truly deciding on divorce. I'm sorry, I really don't have any ideas for you.

[Guest]

Wow. 17 months is a very long time, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I was your wife. Is the baby the only reason why you won't take her back?

 

There are counselling, you could consider trying that out before truly deciding on divorce. I'm sorry, I really don't have any ideas for you.

 

 

 

I agree with the above post. 17 months is a long time....give your wife the benefit of doubt. Speak with her. You must still love her, it sounds like you had a great marriage. Don't give up on soo fast!

 

Good Luck & Keep us posted!

[Outcast]

She was told you would NEVER recover. Nobody told her you had recovered while she was on the cruise. The actions she took she took because she was losing hope. Do not hold this against her. Some people are strong enough to go through life raising a family and caring for a sick person alone. Others are not.

It's unkind and unfair to expect other people to be perfect and strong and be heroes and heroines. Some people can manage that but a lot of normal folks cannot.

 

Give her a chance to see you and talk to you. How could she know you would recover when experts told her would not? You shouldn't hold her actions against her at all. That you woke up was a miracle and she wants you back now there's a conscious you to have back.

 

Forgive her and talk to her. You're ruining both your lives by being unforgiving.

 

You've been through a lot because of your act of love. Don't hold that against her, either. It's been awful for you having to recover from such a dreadful injury but you have got your life back. Don't poison it with being angry at her.

[Craig]

Talk to your wife. No one thought you would recover like you did and that's why the split of assets was done with your family members input. Clearly from what you've said you wife has never stopped loving you it's just that she never thought she'd ever get you back again.

[Sand&Water]

Sit down with yourself for a moment; clear your head. Once you've thought things through, talk to your wife. Let me ask you: Is it about you? or about her?

 

If you are still in love with your wife, then give her and yourself a chance. Don't deny yourself a chance at happiness. Can you ever think of your life without her? Search deep within your heart, and you'll find the ability to forgive.

 

Best of luck to you. God bless.

[Tony T]

It would be very difficult to put myself in the position of either one of you. However, if a spouse of mine had been in a coma for a year and doctors were saying it would probably forever remain that way I think most likely I'd be looking to get laid somewhere...to be blunt.

 

I think your wife acted thoughtfully, normally and rationally. I also think she is sincere in wanting to get back with you.

 

I do think she was a little hasty in getting pregnant. That's the one thing that really complicates matters.

 

Only you can decide what you want to do or how you want to handle this now. If I were you I'd be so happy to have regained consciousness...coming back from the dead so to speak...I wouldn't really care about very much else.

 

Oh, yes, make sure you protect the funds you may need in the future if complications develop from your injury. If you do get divorced, your wife's new honey can take care of her.

[lawrence angel]

This situation could almost be compared to the movie cast away. I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. Human beings have a great need for companionship. Just having someone listen to you, like who you are, look at you, and be intimate with you is very important to human needs. Your wife must have been going through tremendous emotional pain and heart ache seeing the man she loved ,married, and hoped to have children with just lye there and not be able to be with her ever again. I think it is sad when a person loses a love, by divorce or death, and they swear they will never love like they used to ever again because of the deep pain they feel. Those people become depressed and isolated. It is quite natural and healthy to have someone new come along and take care of your emotional needs. Your wife was doing what came natural, she needed to have someone make her feel like YOU used to make her feel. I doubt a day has gone by that she hasn't thought of you. Just by the fact that she wants to end it with the other man so abruptly means that she has not gone a day since the accident without thinking of you and loving you. Time always makes people reevaluate their feelings for their partner. She obviously could not come up with any reason why you guys were not meant to be together. That means your relationship before the accident must have been tight. Now I know this one is going to be hard, but imagine being in the OM shoes, oh my god how he must feel, devasting as well. The pain of all this is ever flowing from all three of you and even your family members. See her and talk with her NOW before it is too late. Don't make the OM the enemy. You will get through this, be strong, put your head up and smile, you are alive:D

[Yamaha]

Talk to your wife.

[Guest]

She was told you would NEVER recover.

 

She was not told that I would not recover, My family was told that there was a possibility that I would not recover- to prepare them for a worst case scenario.

 

 

 

You've been through a lot because of your act of love. Don't hold that against her, either. It's been awful for you having to recover from such a dreadful injury but you have got your life back. Don't poison it with being angry at her.

 

I am not holding that against her, she didn’t ask of me to do that. What I did was what I felt like doing at that time. I did it of my own free will and don’t regret it for a second. If I back in time, I would have done it again. Because that is how I felt about her at that time.

 

Saying that I am ashamed to confess that there have been occasions recently when I have thought if I would have been better of by being as rational and practical as she has been. But I quickly dismiss those thoughts from my mind, knowing what I did was the product of the person that I am, and that I wouldn’t want to be the person that I would have been otherwise

 

Give her a chance to see you and talk to you. How could she know you would recover when experts told her would not? You shouldn't hold her actions against her at all. That you woke up was a miracle and she wants you back now there's a conscious you to have back.

 

Forgive her and talk to her. You're ruining both your lives by being unforgiving.

 

 

No one knows anything for certain in life. Otherwise it would have been very easy to live life knowing all your choices and decisions are hedged.

 

I have not made any accusatory remarks to her either in person, or through anyone else, or by any means of communication. In fact the only communication I had with her was a small 2 line note that I left along with the divorce papers at the solicitors. In that I just wished her all the best for her future, congratulations on her pregnancy and engagement, and that I will be OK. I have no intention of ruining her life.

 

My short term goal is to take care of myself, and not put too much stress on my brain. I have realized that I have to take care of myself and that you should not have dumb faith in anyone else being there for you. (I would have believed it completely, if it wasn’t for my family’s unconditional love for me). I do not intend to torture myself by harboring hatred for her. I just gave her what she herself had decided that she wants, and moved on.

 

 

Is the baby the only reason why you won't take her back?

 

Not really. The baby is just the physical representation of all the reasons. Let me ask you a question. How will you feel if your spouse will be with you only if it is convenient for him/her? What about all the promises that you made and implied in the vein of “through thick and thin, in sickness and in health”. What if I was to get sick tomorrow and it would still be inconvenient for her. The baby would just be a constant reminder of all these thoughts and not the deciding factor for my actions. Though I admit that the baby/pregnancy made the decision easier (if you can call any of this easier….)

 

Some people are strong enough to go through life raising a family and caring for a sick person alone. Others are not.

It's unkind and unfair to expect other people to be perfect and strong and be heroes and heroines.

 

She didn’t have to take care of me in the physical sense of the word. I was in a good private facility thanks to my compensation payout. All I wanted her to be was to be there for me no matter what.

 

I might have expected her to feel as strongly for me as I felt for her, but I have accepted the fact that she is practical and felt that she had to find her own life to lead and happiness to find. I don’t think that makes her a bad person, but rather a rational and analytical one.

 

 

 

I think it is sad when a person loses a love, by divorce or death, and they swear they will never love like they used to ever again because of the deep pain they feel. Those people become depressed and isolated. It is quite natural and healthy to have someone new come along and take care of your emotional needs. Your wife was doing what came natural, she needed to have someone make her feel like YOU used to make her feel.

The difference here is that I was neither divorced nor dead. I was sick!!. I think there is a huge difference. My family was there all the time for her. She had people to help her with anything.

 

 

 

 

Now I know this one is going to be hard, but imagine being in the OM shoes, oh my god how he must feel, devasting as well. The pain of all this is ever flowing from all three of you and even your family members. ……….. Don't make the OM the enemy.

 

That is somewhere where I don’t even want to go. I will leave his feelings to him. I am not a big enough person to do that. I am not causing him any grief; in fact I have done all to not come in between their cozy little relationship. I have not tried to woo her back; I have not caused any unnecessary hurdles in their path. I have signed all divorce papers of my own volition so that they are free of me to make their own life. I have no intention of making him or her enemy, or a friend, or an acquaintance for that matter. I just want to move from the pain and start my life afresh.

 

You will get through this, be strong, put your head up and smile, you are alive:D

 

Thank you for your wishes, and you are right. I will get through this. I don’t know how, but I know I will. I am a fighter, and I’ll come out of this.

 

Talk to your wife.

 

By not doing so is the only reason I am keeping my sanity. I am able to keep myself from resenting him or her only by letting her go. I think that if you decide to let go and move on then you don’t need to focus you life on why and how and all those and bring up all this pain again.

[Guesty]

Take it from someone who's been there.

 

On vacation with my wife, I was arrested and locked up in a Turkish prison while she was shopping for trinkets at the bazaar. I still don't know how that necklace got into my pocket. Well, when I finally got out --SURPRISE -- my wife had replaced me with another man. She had even replaced my dog with another identical dog! I tried to reconcile with her, but it ended in a nasty three-way where I wept uncontrollably whenever we crossed swords. Needless to say, after we finished up I left and didn't look back.

 

It's not worth it man.

[Trimmer]

I am able to keep myself from resenting him or her only by letting her go. I think that if you decide to let go and move on then you don’t need to focus you life on why and how and all those and bring up all this pain again.

I am very sorry for your loss - both of your wife and your innocence. I know how both of those feel, although not with the brutality of your experience.

 

My only suggestion isn't about what to do about your wife, but I would suggest that thinking you can "let go and move on" as a means of avoiding the pain and grieving your loss isn't going to work in the long run. This may be helful in the short term, as a defense mechanism to help you focus on your physical recovery, but in the long run, I believe you will need to let yourself experience the pain, the anger, the grief and loss, because if you just stuff it down inside, it will eat you up in other ways, and it will come out eventually, whether it leaks out slowly all over everything in your life, or bursts out in a big nasty flood.

 

How long has it been since you woke up? Unfortunately you now have emotional injuries to recover from as well as your physical injuries; please don't think you can ignore your emotional recovery just by turning away from it all. Like I said it may be too early still, but don't be afraid to grieve - given how you feel about your marriage, this is a significant loss. You won't be able to just turn that off, and it wouldn't be healthy to do so...

[Chinook]

I have been where you have been. I was sick for 10 months. I only lost consciousness for a few days. But I was so sick, I could only watch as my spouse came and went and carried on his life as normal. I felt resentful and angry because he left me behind. I thought all through my treatment he was seeing someone else but I will never truly know. However, his lady he is with now... he's been with since we split.

 

Let me tell you something... if I were you, I would postpone your divorce. At least in the short term. There is no need to rush it right away is there...? The reason being is I believe you are grieving. You are grieving for the person you were before this accident and for the 17 months you have lost. In addition to that something like this tests a human being beyond all reason. You shouldn't have to question your wife and her loyalty but she also shouldn't have to question your being even alive and well.

 

As Trimmer says, this emotional recovery will take you some time. A significant life event like this can take years to recover from. The reason I ask you to postpone is this. When I finished treatment I was quite ill. My mother had to give up her job to take care of me and there were periods due to infections etc where the medics thought I would die. My partner wasn't interested. Essentially he was absent in my life. He seemingly didn't care.

 

However, he DID care. He simply didn't know what the feck he was doing. What your wife did was simply to focus upon a future which had been THRUST upon her. She didn't know you wouldn't recover. But neither did she know you would recover either. She opted for a path which given the circumstances being different, she would clearly not have chosen. This is where my partner was. He refused point blankly to care for me and chose to be absent (possibly seeing someone else). Consequently, when I recovered, I was angry with him. Not with him personally as the person I loved but with the situation and the part he'd been forced to play. He purely and simply DID NOT know what the hell to do. A year after my treatment finished he moved out. The gulf between us had grown so wide. I was so angry - but I was also hurt and felt betrayed.

 

It took me another year to feel less angry with him. It took me a full year to be able to talk to him civilly. He was desperate for us to make it... and I refused. Essentially, in the face of the circumstances... neither of us knew how to cope and so we did the best we could. It wasn't enough. Finally after he had been gone a year... he told me he was seeing someone new. This was at the same time I had believed we were growing closer and maybe we could look at resolving what happened.

 

In essence what happened was I took too long to get over my anger and he moved on. By the time I felt settled enough to give us both a chance and to try to retrieve the wonderful relationship we had, it was simply too late.

 

What I'm saying is, don't be too hasty. Heal yourself first and then see how you feel. You're experiencing what is referred to as a significant 'displacement' in life where you are re-acquainting yourself with everyday life and the way that you think and feel about things. This is hard enough to deal with because the person you were is gone, replaced by the guy who lay in a coma for 17 months. Your thoughts and feelings will change upon EVERYTHING and it isn't until you really find out who that NEW person is, will you truly know how you feel about the marriage. It's not such a bad thing to first of all postpone, talk with her and ask her for some time.

 

I regret staying angry so long. I have lost the love of my life because I was so insistent on moving on before I truly knew what I wanted. I thought I knew... but I really didn't.

[Chinook]

I would suggest that thinking you can "let go and move on" as a means of avoiding the pain and grieving your loss isn't going to work in the long run. This may be helful in the short term, as a defense mechanism to help you focus on your physical recovery, but in the long run, I believe you will need to let yourself experience the pain, the anger, the grief and loss, because if you just stuff it down inside, it will eat you up in other ways, and it will come out eventually, whether it leaks out slowly all over everything in your life, or bursts out in a big nasty flood.

 

This is exactly what happened to me. Mr Guest, please listen to what Trimmer says here. It;s important. It's not as simple as shrugging it off. I laid waste to my life because of what happened and how we both coped. It could have been retrieved but instead my life was in ruins.

[norajane]

I hope you have been receiving counseling as well as physical therapy in order to help you heal. I'd say there's no need to make big, final decisions right now - you need time to heal both your body and your mind.

[Guest]

Talk to your wife. No one thought you would recover like you did and that's why the split of assets was done with your family members input. Clearly from what you've said you wife has never stopped loving you it's just that she never thought she'd ever get you back again.

 

My family never gave up hope that I was going to recover. My Mom & sis-in-law had attended weekly prayer groups to pray for my recovery, and for matter my wife/ex did too. The reason why the split of assets were done was because she wanted to get married. My family felt that my interest would be better protected this way.

 

Sit down with yourself for a moment; clear your head. Once you've thought things through, talk to your wife. Let me ask you: Is it about you? or about her?

 

 

I didnt really understand the question, but I'll answer it the way I understand the question. Currently I am focused on my feelings and my life. I am learning not to think about her. So in that sense it is all about me now.

 

If you are still in love with your wife, then give her and yourself a chance. Don't deny yourself a chance at happiness. Can you ever think of your life without her? Search deep within your heart, and you'll find the ability to forgive.

 

Best of luck to you. God bless.

 

Thans for your wishes. And like I had said earlier, I am not making her out to be a deamon or anything like that. I just feel sad that she didnt love me enough to stay with me. I just metioned this because you brought up forgivness. I dont wish her unhappiness or misery in her life, I want to reach a place where it doesn't matter what happens in her life. I am not going to be vengeful towards her. Like I said, this is about me now, I just want to remove her from my life. What she does after that, I dont have to know or bother.

 

You asked me if I still loved her- I dont know...maybe a little, but let me tell you what I do know for sure. If we got back together, I will not feel like putting myself in the line of fire to protect her. That is a sad fact. and that I'm sure of. So then I ask myself.... is that the kind of relationship that I want... No... I will hopefully find a relationship in future where I can be where my heart can rule over my head.

 

Let me tell you something... if I were you, I would postpone your divorce. At least in the short term. There is no need to rush it right away is there...? The reason being is I believe you are grieving. ...........

 

....What I'm saying is, don't be too hasty. ......It's not such a bad thing to first of all postpone, talk with her and ask her for some time.

 

 

I hope you have been receiving counseling as well as physical therapy in order to help you heal. I'd say there's no need to make big, final decisions right now - you need time to heal both your body and your mind.

 

Well, I cant postpone making decisions ... for the simple reason that none of us can ask the baby to stop growing while I take time to make a decision. Therefore, taking time off is not a resource that we have here.

 

The reason being is I believe you are grieving. You are grieving for the person you were before this accident and for the 17 months you have lost. In addition to that something like this tests a human being beyond all reason. .......

As Trimmer says, this emotional recovery will take you some time. A significant life event like this can take years to recover from.

 

You're experiencing what is referred to as a significant 'displacement' in life where you are re-acquainting yourself with everyday life and the way that you think and feel about things. This is hard enough to deal with because the person you were is gone, replaced by the guy who lay in a coma for 17 months. Your thoughts and feelings will change upon EVERYTHING and it isn't until you really find out who that NEW person is, will you truly know how you feel about the marriage.

 

 

I dont grieve the 17 months that I lost, I am happy that I could be the person that I thought I was by doing what I did. I find that I am not a new person. I am still the same old me. I think like I used to, I feel about things like I used to. The only thing I grieve is the my old marriage, and even that is a rarity as I am being practical about it and decided to let go. I am being positive about things, I am counting my blessings. I feel a new energy to life, like I want to live every second to the fullest. And that is why I thought I'll let all this negative feelings behind and try to find something or someone meaningful in my life rather than settle for a "fair weather relationship". I know that there is no guarantee that I will find it, But I also know I'll never find it if I dont try. I want to find someone for whom I'll gladly give up my life for, and truly believe (mistakenly or otherwise) that she will do the same for me.

 

In addition to that something like this tests a human being beyond all reason. You shouldn't have to question your wife and her loyalty but she also shouldn't have to question your being even alive and well.

 

 

How can I continue this relationship when I know she is going to leave me when the going is not so good afterall. What if I had an accident and got paralysed, what if I had another coma, What if I became impotent, what if I became bankrupt.... if you think about it this way, then you will know where I am coming from....

 

And if you think about it that way about your own experience... you might ease your disappointment about ending your previous relationship... Thinking that the way things unfolded may not be such a bad thing after all..... best of luck and god bless to you too.

[SoleMate]

I agree with the above posters on two essential points:

 

* Avoidance may be a necessary survival strategy for the short term, but it is not a way to heal and thrive in the long term. You will have to face this pain in all its many dimensions. I do think that you should make plans to talk to your wife in the future. Preferably sooner rather than later.

 

* This divorce must not be rushed. Basically, whenever there is a huge life-altering event that throws you for a loop, you should NOT make major decisions for at least 1 year. Those decisions will be tainted by excessive emotion. You had a near-death experience and you awoke to a terrible betrayal that also had its own dimensions and shadings to it. There's a lot you may not be sure of...like exactly what your wife was told, and also whether her pregnancy was intentional. You will make a better decision when you can really get the facts and process them.

 

I am very sympathetic. Anyone wonders what their partner would do in a pinch, but perhaps fortunately, few of us find out with the clarity and shock that you did.

 

I feel that she gave up on you too quickly. You had a chance of recovery, and only 17 months had passed. I don't understand how a woman can give up on the possibility of her beloved husband's recovery so quickly. It is a mystery that may be clarified if you talk to her.

 

And...I suspect that YOU may also be giving up too quickly on HER. The pain of betrayal is so great that you are shutting the door on your marriage without giving her a chance to speak a word. That is wrong. It was wrong when she did it, and I believe it is also wrong for you to do. I know that you are the injured party. But please be aware that while you slept and were unaware, she suffered.

 

Please don't be hasty and don't be dogmatic. If this marriage meant so much to you, I think it's time to pull up some reserves and hang on to whatever shreds of hope you may have. A possible scenario is that you two reunite and you rear the child as yours. That's not a loss, it may well be a positive.

 

Please...just slow down a bit. And dig a little deeper. You are in my thoughts and prayers for the painful journey you have been on and that you doubtless have ahead of you.

[Outcast]

I don't understand how a woman can give up on the possibility of her beloved husband's recovery so quickly.

 

Maybe the pain was unbearable for her.

[Guest]

A possible scenario is that you two reunite and you rear the child as yours. That's not a loss, it may well be a positive.

 

 

I dont think that is possible. I dont think I'm a big enough man to share my wife with another man in any way. I cant see myself playing happy families with him involved. I'm just calling a spade a spade, I'm looking at it realistically. It is not something that I can do, and it is definitely not something I want to do.

 

Thank you for your prayers and wishes.

 

And also, I think I will have to talk to my Ex, atleast to get her off my back. I was hoping to avoid that, but it doesn't seem possible because she doesn't seem to give up. I wonder where all this perseverance was when I really needed it from her

[Mz. Pixie]

I second what Solemate has said in many ways.

 

I am soooo sorry for your pain and for this terrible incident. Thank God you were able to wake up and are on your way to a full recovery.

 

My best friend since third grade died over 10 years ago. She had been married nine and a half years to her solemate. They were everything to each other. They were childhood sweethearts and even though she had a full scholarship to college, she only wanted to marry and spend the rest of her life with him. She wanted babies.

 

He worshipped the ground she walked on. I modeled the man I wanted on who he was. I remember vividly him pulling down the visor on his car and showing her her own face in the mirror and saying "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" He did things like that all the time. They were devout Christians- he played drums in church- her father was the pastor. They had a child and a wonderful life. Very much in love, wonderful parents.

 

She got breast cancer and it went all over her body when she was 28. Their child was 8. She only lasted a few months. She herself hired her own nurses to take care of her while she was dying because she didn't want him to have to see her like that. She even had a secret life insurance policy that he didn't know anything about-that he found after her death.

 

He depended on her so much for everything. He didn't even know how to pay the gas bill or where to find it. I have only seen one other person who grieved like that. He went out to her grave at night when his inlaws had their son and would lie down on top of her grave. He wanted to die.

 

When she died he was still young, their son was young. I reasoned with myself that I would be okay with him remarrying one day because I knew she wouldn't want him to be alone forever. I wasn't prepared for him to remarry within 6 months. I wasn't over her death how could he be??

 

One day when I was praying and upset over it all it came over me "But you said you'd be okay with it"

 

In talking with her parents they said that her death had just hurt him so much that it had changed his entire personality. He wasn't the same man.

 

After living a longer life, I have come to the conclusion that I can't blame him for moving on. Some people just are so shocked and hurt by what happens to them that they cannot function. I think he missed her so much that he just couldn't go on alone.

 

I'm not saying what she did is right, but this is a possible reason she did it.

I can't say she wouldn't do it again either- but I think that you could at least talk to her at least one time to hear what she has to say.

 

There has been no finer man morally or spiritually than he was in my mind. I know his love for her was real. Yes, she was dead- but six months is a short period of time to get over it.

[SoleMate]

I dont think I'm a big enough man to share my wife with another man in any way. I cant see myself playing happy families with him involved.

You might not have to. You may even be the legal presumptive father of your wife's unborn child. It's quite possible that if you and she decided that you would accept and rear the child, that the biofather could be legally denied any parental rights. He may also be willing to give up his rights voluntarily, if that is what you wish. Clearly that is a question that would need legal advice and lots of thinking through. I would not expect you to accept him in any role in your life or, if you stay together, your wife's life.

 

...she doesn't seem to give up. I wonder where all this perseverance was when I really needed it from her...

I do too. If I were you, I would really need to ask the question.

 

If you talk, I would suggest some ground rules to be laid out in advance, to meet your needs for appropriate disclosure and explanations. You may want to instruct her not to bring up any topics, but simply to answer your questions. You may decide that certain issues are off limits. You may decide that any reluctance to answer means the conversation is over. You may want a third party there. You could even see a MFT in advance and ask for help in making sure that the discussion accomplishes certain goals.

 

Unfortunately, the one thing that cannot be accomplished is to unwind her actions of the last year. So your goals need to be realistic.

[Walk]

IMO.. I don't think she's worth a second chance. She was done with him after less than 12 months. He said that 4 months prior to his waking up she'd already told his family that she'd found a new guy and wanted the divorce. She probably sat on that information for a while before telling his family. And she had to have been dating the guy at least a few weeks, prior to deciding on the divorce.

 

Which makes me think that she gave up on him after about 8 months. It takes me longer to get over a break up, then it took her to get over having her selfless husband nearly bash his brains in for her.

 

This is the part that hangs me up in the whole situation. The time frame seems awful short to me. Maybe I'm a hypocrite and I shouldn't say anything. But it seems that he has a very caring and support family who she could've leaned on for emotional support, or other help. Unless there were dynamics there that he isn't talking about. I've heard of widows who've waited longer to get back into the game....

 

Take my post with a huge grain of salt... But doesn't seem that she deserves a second chance.

[Mz. Pixie]

I see what you're saying but it's so hard for me to condemn her when I've never been where she was.

 

*I* used to be a person who never thought I'd have an affair. Talked about people who did. Boy, I sure had to eat those words!

[Chinook]

I dont grieve the 17 months that I lost, I am happy that I could be the person that I thought I was by doing what I did. I find that I am not a new person. I am still the same old me. I think like I used to, I feel about things like I used to. The only thing I grieve is the my old marriage, and even that is a rarity as I am being practical about it and decided to let go. I am being positive about things, I am counting my blessings. I feel a new energy to life, like I want to live every second to the fullest. And that is why I thought I'll let all this negative feelings behind and try to find something or someone meaningful in my life rather than settle for a "fair weather relationship". I know that there is no guarantee that I will find it, But I also know I'll never find it if I dont try. I want to find someone for whom I'll gladly give up my life for, and truly believe (mistakenly or otherwise) that she will do the same for me.

 

I understand how you feel this way... and in a way I was playing devil's advocate to make you think about these things. But please excuse me if I explain a couple more things (not as a lecture, just benefit of experience).

 

The baby is on the way yes. But you do not need to make a decision now. If she has told you that she will terminate the pregnancy for you in order for you guys to start again, this is the wrong reason I think for you to do that. But flip the coin also, it would also the wrong reason for her to KEEP the child if you guys did not get back together. That child has to be kept or terminated purely on the strength of whether it's mother can provide a nurturing and loving environment. If you feel the child is being used to hold you to ransom then I agree, it is the wrong reason to do this. But... could you truly walk away from your wife...? I don't believe you could. I don't believe we ever really internally walk away from someone we have truly loved.

 

So, with that in mind, that is why I am asking for you not to rush your decision. Sure, get divorced. I mean, it's not like you couldn't get married again to the same person right..?! People do it all the time. What I'm asking you to think about is exactly what your indecision is and to think about whether inside, spiritually how you bonded yourself to your wife, could you sincerely walk away from it...? Yes, she has breached your trust and yes, she was possibly wrong to do so. But breaches of trust in extreme circumstances such as these are a human mistake and the damage from them can be repaired. The question you need to ask of yourself, is do you really want to place yourself at risk again with this same person (I'll come back to this shortly). The way you feel right now, wanting to live life to it's fullest will ebb and flow... I guarantee it. I have never lost that feeling ever so I understand your wanting to make the things that you do count.

 

You came asking for advice and guidance as we all do. That would suggest that you may have some reservations about whether you really have moved on or not. For myself, at the time... I truly believed from the bottom of my heart that I was so over him and I so did not need this hassle in my life. I was also tired and exhausted and I did not want to rebuild my life with someone who had let me down so badly at such a critical point.

 

Which brings me to the second point...

 

I did not mourn the passing of my relationship for almost a year. During that year, I believed (as you do) that my partner did not love me enough to stay with me (even though he hadn't officially physically absented himself from the relationship). Like you, I believed that it didn't matter and I had to embrace the future with open, practical arms... and I didn't essentially feel any different either. But what happened was I didn't settle in any relationship I had. I dated 4 people in that year... (remember, I was moving on). But, each of those 'relationships' failed at the first hurdle. Partly because at the first sign of trouble, I ran a mile because I wasn't prepared to go that extra mile and open myself up to be let down again. Unfortunately, this is a risk you also will face.

 

However, another part of it was that I simply missed him and what we had. In the last 6 months, I was dating a guy who I did not particularly fall for but who was fairly nice. It wasn't serious and in no way was I prepared for a partnership. I found out via friends that he was going to propose. This threw me into a tailspin. At this point, I was convinced I was simply commitment phobic due to my experiences. Not so. At all.

 

I began to actually re-evaluate what happened in my relationship and what all too human errors were made on the part of my ex-partner. In the months after our break-up I was the one responsible for making the errors because I refused to talk, to listen and to hear what essentially needed resolving one way or the other. During these long and painful thought processes, I realised that not only could I forgive him for what happened... but also, that I could forgive myself for my part in what happened. In addition to that, I felt as you do that I do not wish my ex-partner ill and I am entirely happy for him in his new relationship. In my mind, I still win in a way, because at least for me, I would know I don't have to die wondering if he would be alone. During our relationship in the earlier years we had discussed what we both felt about that if anything should happen to the other and I had always said that I wouldn't want him to be lonely... now I got that wish. He won't be.

 

All that said.... there is also another side to how I feel now

 

How can I continue this relationship when I know she is going to leave me when the going is not so good afterall. What if I had an accident and got paralysed, what if I had another coma, What if I became impotent, what if I became bankrupt.... if you think about it this way, then you will know where I am coming from....

 

And if you think about it that way about your own experience... you might ease your disappointment about ending your previous relationship... Thinking that the way things unfolded may not be such a bad thing after all..... best of luck and god bless to you too.

 

You're right. One of the burning questions in my mind since early March has been "but would he let me down again?" The answer is, I will never know because I never gave it a chance. I didn't give HIM a chance to learn from his mistake. Our relationship failed because we shut each other out. Now, for whatever physiological and medical reason.... essentially that is what happened with your wife. For 17 months, she was shut out and away from you. She lost hope in you... the same way that my partner lost hope in me right at the start. Right now, my path is taking me away from my ex-partner and I believe that our end point has been and gone and we will not get back together ever. Whilst that is difficult for me right now... I do nonetheless understand how it occurred and my whole point to you is basically, I understand where you are... but see the fork in the road for what it is and choose carefully before you walk forwards. Once on the one path, it may be difficult to backtrack and choose the alternate one.

 

Final thing... one saying which keeps me going...

 

"Stare too long at the closed door and you will miss the one behind you opening where opportunity is knocking"

 

Good luck to you too and many many blessings for your onward recovery and journey.

[Chinook]

I think I will have to talk to my Ex, atleast to get her off my back. I was hoping to avoid that, but it doesn't seem possible because she doesn't seem to give up. I wonder where all this perseverance was when I really needed it from her

 

I don't want to make a judgement but I see myself in so much of what you write that it is almost painful for me to see it. This sentiment here almost mirrors exactly how sad and almost angry I felt. Already you are referring to your wife as your 'ex' and you understandably sound bitter about her level of perseverance. I'm not questioning this at all. I understand it perfectly... but also, it may actually be a passing phase of how you feel. Looking back now, I spent a long time in the period of both denial and laying the blame at his door. Now, obviously you are not at all to blame here for what occurred... but you may have some responsibility as you go forwards.

 

For what it's worth, I sincerely wish you weren't going through this. I can't tell you how much I understand it. I really hope that things work out for your best interests.