MendedWing Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 I failed miserably at no contact. It hurt me worse to not contact him than it did finding out about the other woman. So, H and I have been speaking pretty frequently lately and he's been opening up to me again about his emotions, his fears, and everything that has been going on over the last two months since he left home. So, yesterday, I just asked out of the blue if he had feelings about coming back home, and he said yes. He told me that his girlfriend tries really hard to do things for him like I always did, but that she can't compare in that regard. He says that he has told her a few times already that he is missing home and that he has strong urges to come back to us. She apparently is supportive if that is what will make him happy, but then will turn it right around and get hysterical. For the last 2 months he has treated me like nothing more than a friend at best, but yesterday was different. He told me he was going to come home. He said he loved me still and that he wanted to be with us. So, I got to crying and upset because I have been waiting for him to say this, and then he tells me to give him time to leave her. Time! TIME! MORE TIME! No specific amount of time, I just need to give him time. He says if he leaves abruptly that her and her entire family will NUT up on him. So, as he was leaving yesterday, he hugs me, tells me he loves me and PROMISES that he is coming home. So, if he really felt like that, what in the world would make him be able to bear another moment, let alone another night, or week, or however much TIME he needs to break up with her, away from us. I'm so confused, and hurt, and in love, and sickened by the whole thing. I feel like I can't give up now being this close to a possible victory, but what is it that he is asking of me? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 He wants you to "wait" while he figures out which life and woman he wants to be with. My advice to you, as hard as this may be - TELL him that you're in the process of talking to a divorce lawyer. And that IF he is planning on coming home, marriage counselling is a MUST and also he isn't ever to contact the OW. No calls, seeing her, emails, nothing. It won't hurt just to go talk to a lawyer...But in his eyes you doing this is showing him that you aren't going to wait for him long. Maybe that will be enough of a push for him to decide who he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 ....and then he tells me to give him time to leave her. Time! TIME! MORE TIME! No specific amount of time, I just need to give him time. He says if he leaves abruptly that her and her entire family will NUT up on him. There's only one way to stop a cake-eater from eating cake.... And that's to take the cake off his plate. When he's asking you for time, what he's really asking you is to wait for him nicely while he's enjoying his adultery. It quite frankly doesn't make a hill of beans if OW and her kin "nut up". They aren't his family and he owes them NOTHING. That is, unless he's lying to you about the paternity of OW's unborn child. You can go ahead and spend another couple of weeks negotiating with him if that's what you want to do.... but I imagine he'll still be vacillating two weeks from now. So, if you do decide to give him some time, I would advise you to plan your next move even as you negotiate for his homecoming. (I think it's a mistake btw, to take a cheater back without setting boundaries, but again.... that's your call and no one else's.) Don't try NC unless you can make it stick though. It does more harm than good, because it teaches him that he can manipulate you if he plays his cards right. It teaches him that your boundaries are weak. Better to see an attorney and start laying the groundwork for child support and whatnot. When REALITY starts knocking on WH's door, he might start paying better attention to what he's doing. The court can require him to work and pay child support. The court can even order him to get a better job if he's got any skills he's not using. Some guys think they run out and get a minimum wage gig and not have to pay much. But family court judges are on to that nonsense. You'd be surprised what can be accomplished by your attorney and how very quick things start getting REAL for WH. Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Mended Wing I really feel for you. I've read your other posts and it really does look like you have turned into the OW inthis situation, and your Husband has managed to engineer a postion for himself that is very stable...The danger that either you or his former OW who is now kind of in the position of Wife finding out has been completely removed. He could very easily continue like this until either you or the OW/Wife walk away. I definately think the place where you will find most insight into how to cope with your current situation is the OW/OM forum, where many of the posters have been in exactly the situation you are now in....albiet with different labels. I wish you all the best as whatever happens from here it is going to be difficult and painful. I hope you find if not help ant least support here at LS Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Well this doesn't make any sense. If the guy says he's coming back home, what's he doing with her? If he wanted you bad enough he'd not be letting her hym and haw to be supportive. I'd say he's feeding you some lines and keeping 2 of you by doing so. Fact is, if he wanted HOME and could, he'd be HOME and not there with her now. He seems to be playing you over. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Forbidden fruit is also much more attractive. So make yourself forbidden. Link to post Share on other sites
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