How do I move past this?

[Amanda726]

My husband and I had a long talk last night, and he wants to stay married to me. He is very remorseful for the EA he had. But how do I move on past it? He told me that they met once, and only held hands as her daughter played at the park. I can't get that scene out of my head, and it makes me sick thinking about it. I know, don't think about it, easier said than done. I want so badly to forgive him and move on, because I love him so much, but the hurt I'm feeling right now is indescribabale. I look at my husband and I can feel the love for him, but the pit of my stomach is heavy because every time I look at him, I know that I don't have his heart completely, and that hurts. How do I get past this? I'm going to start counseling soon, and I hope he will eventually join me. He's agreed to cut her out of our lives. Where do I go from here?

[JackJack]

I'm sorry you are hurting, this must be tough.

 

 

"How do I get past this?"

 

 

My guess is with time and counseling. It wont happen over night. You may have days where you feel you could just walk and say forget the whole thing its not worth it. Then you might have days where you feel its ok and you will get passed it. Try to stay positive if you can. I know theres nothing positive about an affair, but I'm, meaning to try to stay positive about getting passed this. I hope your husband keeps up his end of the deal and doesn't contact her anymore. Him not contacting her is also a cruical time in your healing and moving forward. Good luck.

[Chump64]

Girlfriend, not to minimize your pain, but I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I am trying to get past a 10-year EA + PA with a friend of ours (we've been married 18 years). Plus, I had to catch him by spying on him. He lied to me when I confronted with my initial suspicions (based on a couple of emails). I had to do a buttload of legwork to get the dirt on him and tell him the jig was up and to get the h*ll out or to clean up his act.

 

So anyway, not to jack your thread, but I can tell you how I / we are trying to get past this: reading lots of books about affairs and marriage; going to marriage counseling weekly (and he is also doing invidual counseling); and spending a lot of time talking. I don't know for sure if I can get past it, but these are the things I'm doing to help me / us figure it out.

 

I can't say enough good things about counseling. Be sure you find a counselor you like, though.

[Guest]

Girlfriend, not to minimize your pain, but I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I am trying to get past a 10-year EA + PA with a friend of ours (we've been married 18 years). Plus, I had to catch him by spying on him. He lied to me when I confronted with my initial suspicions (based on a couple of emails). I had to do a buttload of legwork to get the dirt on him and tell him the jig was up and to get the h*ll out or to clean up his act.

 

So anyway, not to jack your thread, but I can tell you how I / we are trying to get past this: reading lots of books about affairs and marriage; going to marriage counseling weekly (and he is also doing invidual counseling); and spending a lot of time talking. I don't know for sure if I can get past it, but these are the things I'm doing to help me / us figure it out.

 

I can't say enough good things about counseling. Be sure you find a counselor you like, though.

 

 

DITTO......I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. The image in my mine is far more graphic than them sitting in the park holding hands...if you know what I mean......that would be a piece of cake right now. Not to minimize what you are going through, I know how bad it hurts and how betrayed and humiliated you feel right now.

It has been a year and a half for me and all I can tell you is time does heal. Hubby and I are still together and both working hard to salvage our marriage. It is better and gets better everyday. He has to re-earn your trust and as he does that the pain starts to subside.

Get a good counselor and work with him/her and it will help. If you husband is truely wanting to save the marriage and strengthen it, he will go to counseling as well.....make that point to him....I feel it is vital he go as well. I suggest both going apart for a while and then coming together. One must work on themselves before working together on the marriage.

So sorry for your pain, I understand, hang in there, if you truely love him and believe he loves you. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives and have regrets for things they have done and loved ones they have hurt. My guess is he as frightened as you and hurting almost as bad for what he sees he has put you through, anyway, my husband felt that way. He was devestated when he saw how much he had hurt me and has spent everyday working hard to show his love and work toward a healthy relationship......it is working for us and I pray you can get to a point where you feel better. It takes hard work on both parts.

One thing I did was when those images INVADED my mind, I tried to immediately think of a good time, loving time or fun time I had with my husband in the past. It helped me maybe it will help you....try it, it can't hurt.

[silktricks]

I look at my husband and I can feel the love for him, but the pit of my stomach is heavy because every time I look at him, I know that I don't have his heart completely, and that hurts. How do I get past this? I'm going to start counseling soon, and I hope he will eventually join me. He's agreed to cut her out of our lives. Where do I go from here?

Does he say that he still loves the OW? If so, HE needs to exercise his love towards you. It's crucial that you go to counseling together. Going on is difficult, and if he's saying he wants your marriage to work, he also is going to have to understand that it's going to take a LOT of work on his part.

 

You are in pain. He probably is as well. You both need to talk out your pain with each other. Thaat's part of where a counselor helps, as it can degenerate into a you hurt me, no you hurt me first argument if you aren't careful.

 

What gets you past it in the long run is:

love - yours for him and his for you. He will show his love for you by understanding your pain and working with you. You will show yours by understanding that he is in pain as well.

Patience - his at your constant questioning, yours at his lack of understanding

perseverence - you both need to keep on keeping on.

forgiveness - each of you for the mistakes you have made that hurt the other. You both need to work at forgiving yourself, you both need to work at forgiving your mate

time - no matter how hard you work, how much you love, it takes time.

 

Best of luck to you. (But get him into counseling with you.) If he really wants to make the marriage work, he will go - even if it's only because you want it.

[joeyr812]

Amanda:

I'm going thru EXACTLY the same thing as you, and I wish you the best of luck. I too want things to work, or to know that I tried everything, especially for our kids. and...I know that this didn't just happen overnight; there were some problems that were partially my fault which caused this.

At any rate, it sounds like you are further along than me, in that he's admitted to it. Sorry to hear of his feelings. I'm still getting "we're just friends". Keep us posted...I added you to my buddy list, whatever that means!