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I haven't cheated physically, but my heart's not in it anymore


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My husband and I (both 29) have been married for 5 years, were together for 5 before that. We do not have children, have a great house and financial stability. We started going out right after I got out of an emotionally abusive 4-year relationship, and he was just perfect me. We never fight, he is a sweetheart, and has a great family and great head on his shoulders. But I have never been overwhelmed with attraction for him. Four years ago, I started a new job and became instantly attracted to a co-worker. The attraction has never faded, and we've become friends over the years and what I thought was just a crush or infatuation is now coming close to love. I can't stop thinking about him, I look forward to seeing him and talking to him, and we get along wonderfully and can't stop smiling at each other. He is a good man, so I don't think he'd ever cross the line and make a pass at me because I am married, and we've never talked about an "us". And now I am also his boss. When he comes over to talk, he occassionally gets close enough to brush his arm against mine and he doesn't move away. Same thing with his leg when we sit next to each other. Not normal, right? Or am I just being overly optimistic that this man who I am so enamoured with might be interested in me? There are a million reasons why I couldn't and shouldn't consider an affair, not the least of which are my great husband and my career. This is the first job I've had that I truly love, and not just because he is there.

 

My family would be devastated if I announced that I was separating from my husband, they think we have the perfect marriage. But I am no longer interested in sex, and he seems to have given up on it. I don't blame him for stopping trying, it can't be nice to be rejected time and again. But he doesn't even try to keep things exciting for us, even outside of the bedroom. He isn't romantic, and is pretty passive. I can't stand the thought of hurting him because he is truly "one of the good ones" but I don't think it's fair to let him think everything is perfect when I've been contemplating leaving him for more than 2 years now. I know that most of you will advise counseling, but I don't know how to even broach the subject and how to tell him that I think I am in love with someone else. And I'm not even sure if I really WANT to work it out. And even if we tried, I don't think he would be comfortable with me continuing to work in the same office - and I really don't want to leave this job.

 

I want so badly to be with this other man - even though I know he's not romantic either, and is a commitment-phobe (broke up with his GF of 3 years b/c she wanted to get married and he didn't) - at least I have the attraction that I am lacking in my marriage. My husband and I just don't have fun any more, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my feelings for the OM. Why isn't he fighting for me? Why doesn't he see that I am unhappy? Am I that good an actress?

 

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for here, maybe more just a chance to vent. I have shared my feelings for this OM with my best friend, whom I also work with. And her marriage ended 13 years ago when she had an affair so I trust her advice implicitly (she and the OM are STILL together, but not married). She has warned about starting anything especially now that I am his boss. And mentioned that if we had an affair and I broke things off with my husband, we would always be that couple that started as an affair, and have that "dirty" stigma attached to us. All of this could me moot, of course since I have no idea if the OM really is interested in me. But I don't want the reason for ending my marriage to be the OM, I want it to be because I am not fulfilled with my current man and see no future for us, or don't desire one. I was always going to be the one who didn't get a divorce - parents did, and I believed in my vows when I made them, but I am just so torn up inside. I have been looking back at my life an wondering if I got married more because it was the "next step" than because I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with someone. If I was meant to be with him forever, then why am I so crazy about this OM? If this were just a crush, wouldn't it have faded by now? Four years seems like a long time.....

 

Gotta go, husband is on his way home from work.... sigh.... thanks for reading....

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jonesgirly

abc...

 

Don't get divorced for 'someone else'. Get divorced because you don't want to be married anymore, and you'd like to give yourself and your husband the freedom to choose, or look for, a more satisfying personal relationship.

 

Never make a life decision on an attraction for 'someone else.'

Make it because you'd rather be alone than married.

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You've been together with your husband for 10 yrs and want to leave this easily?

Have you ever spoken to him abt your lack of passion and his lack of romance?

Seems you want to give up so easily for this other man and you have fears abt him commiting and you not sure if he's even really intreted in a relationship with you.

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whichwayisup
My family would be devastated if I announced that I was separating from my husband, they think we have the perfect marriage

 

So you would rather live miserably and live a lie (being married to a man you don't love anymore) just so you don't upset your family? That's crap! It's YOUR life. If you are unhappy either GO to marriage counselling and fix things or get a divorce. Don't use the excuse that your family will be upset and that is why you're suffering in a marriage you're unhappy in.

 

It's also NOT fair to your husband. He's married to a woman who doesn't really love him.

 

Are you sure that you're just not into the OM so much that you're feelings now are clouded? Having feelings for two men and ofcourse right now the ones for the OM are much stronger, so you're more into him than you are your husband...

 

Think about it. How were things at home BEFORE you met this other guy? Were you honestly thinking these unhappy thoughts before the other guy came into the picture? Did you feel that way towards your husband then?

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ABC,

I know a little about having a husband who is a nice guy but doesn't fight for me and is as you say passive. It sounds like you are missing that passion in you marriage. And you are seeing it elsewhere. Make wise decisions. Don't act on impulse and if you want to leave your h do it because you want to better your life not because you are attracted to someone else. It may only lead to regrets.

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These posts really chap my ass. I am also "one of the good ones" and a "nice guy". My ex did all the same crap you are doing for another guy (married with 2 small kids and 17 years older than her) and basically said all the same crap you are saying - "why doesn't he fight for me? ....etc.". The question is: in your situation what would be the point? You are making all the decisions for both of you here. You aren't happy. You want to give up. You are "in love" with someone else. You are worried about the consequnces for you if you leave. You don't want to go to counselling. I fought tooth and nail to make my ex happy and save our "relationship". The problem is that relationships aren't worth saving if only one of the people involved is actually working at saving it. I wanted to point out something else that was interesting about your post - read how many times you speak about yourself "I....me etc..". I don't know you but from the sounds of it you are a pretty selfish person and all about your needs - no one elses. It really sounds like you don't deserve a good guy like your husband.

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littleroom
These posts really chap my ass. I am also "one of the good ones" and a "nice guy". My ex did all the same crap you are doing for another guy (married with 2 small kids and 17 years older than her) and basically said all the same crap you are saying - "why doesn't he fight for me? ....etc.". The question is: in your situation what would be the point? You are making all the decisions for both of you here. You aren't happy. You want to give up. You are "in love" with someone else. You are worried about the consequnces for you if you leave. You don't want to go to counselling. I fought tooth and nail to make my ex happy and save our "relationship". The problem is that relationships aren't worth saving if only one of the people involved is actually working at saving it. I wanted to point out something else that was interesting about your post - read how many times you speak about yourself "I....me etc..". I don't know you but from the sounds of it you are a pretty selfish person and all about your needs - no one elses. It really sounds like you don't deserve a good guy like your husband.

 

Shineshop,

 

Ouch! I guess in a sense your point is a good one... even though it stings.

 

Abc,

 

I can say that I feel for you right now because your situation sounds like mine, although I am not uphappy in my marriage. The passion is there, the love is there... but somehow I have grown completely and emotionally attached to someone else. It's complicated.

 

I hope that whatever you decide to do that you will look at things through your spouses eyes too. This news will probably devastate him... but if you aren't willing to bargin on your happiness, then I would say you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Also take into consideration that this OM doesn't even realize he is the OM.

 

GL!

 

--- littleroom

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Like Littleroon I have a similar situation. I can't tell you how to feel all I can say is that it is a very tough thing to deal with. If in fact what you say is true, that you have no passion, etc. in your marriage you may be one step further in knowing what you want to do. However, I do think that the question posed to you in an earlier post, was the lack of passion, etc. there before you met the OM?, is a very valid question to ask. You should probably look at that honestly and answer that. This may help you in dealing with your marriage. The issue of the OM is another. I have met someone through a similar situation that I can't stop thinking about or wanting to be around and I would say that I have/had a great marriage. I keep telling myself that my marriage was wonderful and I just can't figure out why I find myself attracted to someone else. I am now trying to deal with distanceing myself from this OM and accepting that maybe my marriage was lacking something or it's just me as to why I find myself wanting this OM. Good Luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

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I want so badly to be with this other man - even though I know he's not romantic either, and is a commitment-phobe (broke up with his GF of 3 years b/c she wanted to get married and he didn't) - at least I have the attraction that I am lacking in my marriage.

This has got to tell you something significant - you are attracted to someone at the very same time as you realize that he is not the answer to your problems, and brings to the table some of the very same issues (e.g. "not romantic either") that you have with your husband.

 

My husband and I just don't have fun any more, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my feelings for the OM.

Hard to gauge cause and effect here, but it seems kinda hard to blame this on your husband, then, doesn't it?

 

Why isn't he fighting for me? Why doesn't he see that I am unhappy? Am I that good an actress?

Because you are hiding it from him! Isn't that the whole point here? You want him to be such a perfect, fantasy idea of a husband that he can read your mind and heart even when you are actively hiding them from him. Yes, a perfect husband would be, well, a perfect husband. Maybe I'll have a chance to be one some day. But real human beings, here on earth, talk and communicate their needs.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh, but you're basically my wife a year ago. Honey, "broaching the subject" of counseling and problems in our marriage might have been a shock, but not as devastating as finding out that it was too late because you hid yourself from me for 2 years, expecting me to read your mind, and finally giving up because you thought I failed you at that task.

 

Something I've heard others ask of those in your type of "should I or shouldn't I" situation: map out your next couple of years for me. Describe them like you are writing the story of your life looking back from 5 years down the road. Start from the decision to leave your husband, and tell me your vision for what happens next over the next few years. Make it realistic - the divorce timeframe, living arrangements, financial issues, job situation, relationship with the OM - because this is your life you're making decisions about here. Can you map out a realistic course that gets you somewhere you want to be?

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This has got to tell you something significant - you are attracted to someone at the very same time as you realize that he is not the answer to your problems, and brings to the table some of the very same issues (e.g. "not romantic either") that you have with your husband.

 

 

Hard to gauge cause and effect here, but it seems kinda hard to blame this on your husband, then, doesn't it?

 

 

Because you are hiding it from him! Isn't that the whole point here? You want him to be such a perfect, fantasy idea of a husband that he can read your mind and heart even when you are actively hiding them from him. Yes, a perfect husband would be, well, a perfect husband. Maybe I'll have a chance to be one some day. But real human beings, here on earth, talk and communicate their needs.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh, but you're basically my wife a year ago. Honey, "broaching the subject" of counseling and problems in our marriage might have been a shock, but not as devastating as finding out that it was too late because you hid yourself from me for 2 years, expecting me to read your mind, and finally giving up because you thought I failed you at that task.

 

Something I've heard others ask of those in your type of "should I or shouldn't I" situation: map out your next couple of years for me. Describe them like you are writing the story of your life looking back from 5 years down the road. Start from the decision to leave your husband, and tell me your vision for what happens next over the next few years. Make it realistic - the divorce timeframe, living arrangements, financial issues, job situation, relationship with the OM - because this is your life you're making decisions about here. Can you map out a realistic course that gets you somewhere you want to be?

 

 

You make some good points there. One question I asked my ex after she was caught was "how has anything you have done made your life any better?". she had at that point lost most of the few friends she had, lost the respect of her family, destroyed my family members, lost the lifestyle she had become accustomed to (beautiful home/cars etc...) and most of all lost the guy that weeks earlier she had cried all night to a mutual friend over possibly losing as I was the guy "she wanted to spend the rest of her life with". Well she didn't think things through BEFORE she went out and destoyed our relationship and more importantly the family of the poor woman with whose husband she cheated with. Think before you act.

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Shineshop,

 

Ouch! I guess in a sense your point is a good one... even though it stings.

--- littleroom

 

I really honestly don't want to be overly critical but being 7 months out from having my world as I knew it destroyed by this type of behaviour I am trying to impress upon people the consequences of this type of thing. I do feel sorry for people caught in these circumstances but you have a choice. You can either make the right one or the wrong one.

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littleroom
I really honestly don't want to be overly critical but being 7 months out from having my world as I knew it destroyed by this type of behaviour I am trying to impress upon people the consequences of this type of thing. I do feel sorry for people caught in these circumstances but you have a choice. You can either make the right one or the wrong one.

 

It's true and your point is well taken.

 

--- littleroom

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But I don't want the reason for ending my marriage to be the OM, I want it to be because I am not fulfilled with my current man and see no future for us, or don't desire one.

 

ABC,

 

I think these words are quite important, and that you are probably more focused on the real issue than you think.

 

Forget about the guy at work; he's not important, he might not even be interested in you and (as Trimmer pointed out) he does not seem to be the answer to your problems anyway - even if he was interested.

 

Concentrate on your M. Yes, I think you would be right to leave your M, despite what your family might think but also because your H deserves to be with someone who loves and respects him. He should not have to spend the rest of HIS life living a lie. I agree with WWIU on these points.

 

But before you give up on your M, you have to try to save it first. Have you even given your H a chance to make things better by telling him what you need and what you think is wrong with the M? Nobody is a mind reader, and least of all men, so I think you need to communicate with him and do it clearly. Go to counselling! It is not fair on him that he should not know that his M is in trouble and not be given a chance to improve things.

 

Good luck!

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Nobody is a mind reader, and least of all men...

 

I love that! You'll have a special place in my heart forever for the way you crafted that statement. :D :D :D

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I love that! You'll have a special place in my heart forever for the way you crafted that statement. :D :D :D

 

Well, I have realised that men and women do communicate in different ways, and it is just the way we are, so there is absolutely no offense intended!! :)

 

Subtlety does not work on men..... Unless it is "as subtle as a brick through the window", if you know what I mean... :lmao:;)

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Absolutely no offense taken - I was quite earnest that it's a hilariously appropriate statement. Kinda like "everyone is created equal, just some are more equal than others..." well, Nobody reads minds, especially men.

 

Maybe it's just late, and I'm punchy, but I really appreciated it...

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MrsHellFire

just a question, but did feelings start changing towards your hubby after this new man appeared in your life? is that when it slowly went downhill? you're focusing over that man more than your husband. maybe you just weren't ready for marriage period. were you ever in love with your husband? anything special ever exist?

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Absolutely no offense taken - I was quite earnest that it's a hilariously appropriate statement. Kinda like "everyone is created equal, just some are more equal than others..." well, Nobody reads minds, especially men.

 

Maybe it's just late, and I'm punchy, but I really appreciated it...

 

Yes, a good sense of humour is a must in this world, eh???!!!??? ;)

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I am in a very similar situation - my high school sweetheart showed up (we were together for 7 years) and the old feelings have rekindeled (emotional, not physical). I am married now, also to a "nice guy" w/no kids. The way I am dealing with it is to spend as much time alone as possible. I go for a jog and just let my thoughts flow. What is it I love about my H? How do I see my life if I leave him?

 

I think one of the hard parts about leaving no one wants to face is that there is a lot of love there - I've been married 3 1/2 yrs and he is my best friend. The passion was never really there as it was with my ex, but do I trade passion for solid friendship and closeness? Of course, that's a question you need to answer before you have kids, which I'm struggling with too.

 

The real question is are you ready to be alone for a while. I think that's key to separating. Are you happier by yourself than with your H. It's too easy to jump into a different relationship and transfer feelings. That's not the answer. Can you go somewhere else for awhile (family, friends place) and just think?

 

It's also true you need to be up front with your H. I am almost to that point. I envision it as sitting him down, saying, look, I have these feelings and they mean something. I don't feel the passion here so we need to find a way to change that. You are my close friend and I vowed to be with you for the rest of my life but I'm not happy here so we have to mix it up.

 

When you think about when you got married and why, there were a lot of reasons you chose your H. There is a lot men can learn about making us gals happy, we just have to speak up. Look at all the sex shops and love talk shows. I bet if you think creatively, you can find a way to feel attracted to him. My H would draw me a bubble bath, with candels, wine and cheese and crackers and my favorite cd playing. The look he gave me when closing the door after seeing me happily soaking made my heart melt. I bet you have had moments like that with you H. Make them part of your every day and the passion will become stronger.

 

When you feel that animal attraction, that's really all it is. I see my ex and feel the same as when I see Antonio Banderez (in his younger years) - mad passion. The question is, can you find someone who can give that to you along with what your H can give you? I am still asking myself that, after all, you only get one life to live. But what if it turns out to be a lonely one?

 

Sorry, I don't have any answers either. But it's a good thing you're reaching out. Keep exploring - only you have the answers you're looking for. The one thing I've learned from looking at these postings is the hurt that the other spouse feels - honesty really is the best policy. Otherwise everyone loses. Good luck.

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I wanted to point out something else that was interesting about your post - read how many times you speak about yourself "I....me etc..". I don't know you but from the sounds of it you are a pretty selfish person and all about your needs - no one elses. It really sounds like you don't deserve a good guy like your husband.

 

Surely we have to accept that essentially we ARE selfish? That doesn't make us bad people. A massive part of relationships is about needs being met. If they're not, we have to ask "Can it be fixed?" If it can't, the likelihood is that the person will keep going elsewhere to have emotional and/or physical needs met.

 

Relationships are rarely a case of "good guy" "bad guy". We tend to think that the person trying to save a relationship is a "good guy" and the strayer as "bad" but in reality things tend to be much more complex.

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You are very very correct! After reading your post I found myself saying how true. It is very easy to beat yourself up about feelings that you may be having. You start thinking that you are the bad guy. To take it one step further, as far as being selfish, if you would ask the person in the relationship that has not strayed or thought about straying how they would react when and if they found out of the thoughts of the other person. I bet if they were 100% honest with themselves their feelings of hurt would be because of how it made them feel and how it effects them. It would be hard for them to look at it in the perspective of their partners who have been having these other feelings. Reality is your statement "we are all selfish" is true. Most people deep down want the same thing happiness and fullfillment and when it is not being met for what ever reason it causes that person to start thinking a doing things they may not always want but it happens because they are searching for something. Things are much more complex than just bad guy versus good guy in relationships.

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silktricks
Most people deep down want the same thing happiness and fullfillment and when it is not being met for what ever reason it causes that person to start thinking a doing things they may not always want but it happens because they are searching for something. Things are much more complex than just bad guy versus good guy in relationships.

 

Of course most people want happiness and fulfillment, and of course people are basically selfish. But, adult people also need to face the fact that when they marry they have made a commitment to another person to be faithful.

 

If their feelings change (as with ABC) then they need to make some choices. They can either choose to work on their marriage (remember that commitment word?) or they can choose to end their marriage, or they can choose to cheat. What choice they make defines whether or not they are a bad guy/girl or a good guy/girl.

 

If they choose to work on the marriage, they may solve the problem - they may not. But they have put energy into it instead of simply quitting. If they choose to leave, that's OK, too. They've made a choice and allowed their partner the freedom to go on with their life. If they choose to cheat, that puts them squarely in the "bad guy" camp as they are neither honoring their marriage commitment, nor honoring their spouse with the truth, nor honoring themselves with their actions.

 

To say that it's OK to do "things" because their needs are not being met is simply a cop out. And I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing/reading about the "complexities" or "complications" of life and why that somehow makes it OK to screw up other peoples lives along with their own. Of course life is complicated. Complications do not give any of us the right to hurt others. They only give us the right to work harder at doing the right things.

 

(I'm really not as angry as this sounds - but oh well - I'm not re-writing it to tone it down either.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was in a similiar situation to you. I followed through on my 'infactuation' and I lost everything.

 

You will not believe what I am telling you, because when I was at your stage, I did not believe any of the (now) great advice I received. I was 'in love' with the other man, and this clouded my entire vision.

 

But I tell you now, the only reason for you the lack of feelings for your seemingly great husband IS this other man. You won't believe me, but it is true.

 

Trust me, get yourself away from this other guy for 3 months. Put all your effort into your husband, and revisit this in three months.

 

You WILL see how foolish you are.

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i have been reading on this board for about a week now and this is the first post i have been able to identify with. I feel alot like you, only the OM in my situation is a guy i dated for 2 years and we have remained friends for a total of 5 now. i have never stopped loving him and he says the same to me. i am still confused as to what i want to do, but i hope you do whatever will make you happiest in the long run. good luck!!

 

My husband and I (both 29) have been married for 5 years, were together for 5 before that. We do not have children, have a great house and financial stability. We started going out right after I got out of an emotionally abusive 4-year relationship, and he was just perfect me. We never fight, he is a sweetheart, and has a great family and great head on his shoulders. But I have never been overwhelmed with attraction for him. Four years ago, I started a new job and became instantly attracted to a co-worker. The attraction has never faded, and we've become friends over the years and what I thought was just a crush or infatuation is now coming close to love. I can't stop thinking about him, I look forward to seeing him and talking to him, and we get along wonderfully and can't stop smiling at each other. He is a good man, so I don't think he'd ever cross the line and make a pass at me because I am married, and we've never talked about an "us". And now I am also his boss. When he comes over to talk, he occassionally gets close enough to brush his arm against mine and he doesn't move away. Same thing with his leg when we sit next to each other. Not normal, right? Or am I just being overly optimistic that this man who I am so enamoured with might be interested in me? There are a million reasons why I couldn't and shouldn't consider an affair, not the least of which are my great husband and my career. This is the first job I've had that I truly love, and not just because he is there.

 

My family would be devastated if I announced that I was separating from my husband, they think we have the perfect marriage. But I am no longer interested in sex, and he seems to have given up on it. I don't blame him for stopping trying, it can't be nice to be rejected time and again. But he doesn't even try to keep things exciting for us, even outside of the bedroom. He isn't romantic, and is pretty passive. I can't stand the thought of hurting him because he is truly "one of the good ones" but I don't think it's fair to let him think everything is perfect when I've been contemplating leaving him for more than 2 years now. I know that most of you will advise counseling, but I don't know how to even broach the subject and how to tell him that I think I am in love with someone else. And I'm not even sure if I really WANT to work it out. And even if we tried, I don't think he would be comfortable with me continuing to work in the same office - and I really don't want to leave this job.

 

I want so badly to be with this other man - even though I know he's not romantic either, and is a commitment-phobe (broke up with his GF of 3 years b/c she wanted to get married and he didn't) - at least I have the attraction that I am lacking in my marriage. My husband and I just don't have fun any more, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my feelings for the OM. Why isn't he fighting for me? Why doesn't he see that I am unhappy? Am I that good an actress?

 

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for here, maybe more just a chance to vent. I have shared my feelings for this OM with my best friend, whom I also work with. And her marriage ended 13 years ago when she had an affair so I trust her advice implicitly (she and the OM are STILL together, but not married). She has warned about starting anything especially now that I am his boss. And mentioned that if we had an affair and I broke things off with my husband, we would always be that couple that started as an affair, and have that "dirty" stigma attached to us. All of this could me moot, of course since I have no idea if the OM really is interested in me. But I don't want the reason for ending my marriage to be the OM, I want it to be because I am not fulfilled with my current man and see no future for us, or don't desire one. I was always going to be the one who didn't get a divorce - parents did, and I believed in my vows when I made them, but I am just so torn up inside. I have been looking back at my life an wondering if I got married more because it was the "next step" than because I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with someone. If I was meant to be with him forever, then why am I so crazy about this OM? If this were just a crush, wouldn't it have faded by now? Four years seems like a long time.....

 

Gotta go, husband is on his way home from work.... sigh.... thanks for reading....

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I was in a similiar situation to you. I followed through on my 'infactuation' and I lost everything.

 

Trust me, get yourself away from this other guy for 3 months. Put all your effort into your husband, and revisit this in three months.

 

You WILL see how foolish you are.

 

 

Most women are hard wired to be true to one guy at a time. thats the real reason why you have no desire to have sex with your husband.

 

As long as you are constantly daydreaming and fantisizing about this other guy you literally have no emotional space available for your husband and your marriage. your mind is somehow confused and "committed" to this other man.

you are like an alcoholic spouse who is always intoxicated in a sense. you are present in the marriage but really "someplace" else.

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