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I haven't cheated physically, but my heart's not in it anymore


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Old 26th May 2006, 7:11 PM   #1
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I haven't cheated physically, but my heart's not in it anymore

My husband and I (both 29) have been married for 5 years, were together for 5 before that. We do not have children, have a great house and financial stability. We started going out right after I got out of an emotionally abusive 4-year relationship, and he was just perfect me. We never fight, he is a sweetheart, and has a great family and great head on his shoulders. But I have never been overwhelmed with attraction for him. Four years ago, I started a new job and became instantly attracted to a co-worker. The attraction has never faded, and we've become friends over the years and what I thought was just a crush or infatuation is now coming close to love. I can't stop thinking about him, I look forward to seeing him and talking to him, and we get along wonderfully and can't stop smiling at each other. He is a good man, so I don't think he'd ever cross the line and make a pass at me because I am married, and we've never talked about an "us". And now I am also his boss. When he comes over to talk, he occassionally gets close enough to brush his arm against mine and he doesn't move away. Same thing with his leg when we sit next to each other. Not normal, right? Or am I just being overly optimistic that this man who I am so enamoured with might be interested in me? There are a million reasons why I couldn't and shouldn't consider an affair, not the least of which are my great husband and my career. This is the first job I've had that I truly love, and not just because he is there.

My family would be devastated if I announced that I was separating from my husband, they think we have the perfect marriage. But I am no longer interested in sex, and he seems to have given up on it. I don't blame him for stopping trying, it can't be nice to be rejected time and again. But he doesn't even try to keep things exciting for us, even outside of the bedroom. He isn't romantic, and is pretty passive. I can't stand the thought of hurting him because he is truly "one of the good ones" but I don't think it's fair to let him think everything is perfect when I've been contemplating leaving him for more than 2 years now. I know that most of you will advise counseling, but I don't know how to even broach the subject and how to tell him that I think I am in love with someone else. And I'm not even sure if I really WANT to work it out. And even if we tried, I don't think he would be comfortable with me continuing to work in the same office - and I really don't want to leave this job.

I want so badly to be with this other man - even though I know he's not romantic either, and is a commitment-phobe (broke up with his GF of 3 years b/c she wanted to get married and he didn't) - at least I have the attraction that I am lacking in my marriage. My husband and I just don't have fun any more, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my feelings for the OM. Why isn't he fighting for me? Why doesn't he see that I am unhappy? Am I that good an actress?

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for here, maybe more just a chance to vent. I have shared my feelings for this OM with my best friend, whom I also work with. And her marriage ended 13 years ago when she had an affair so I trust her advice implicitly (she and the OM are STILL together, but not married). She has warned about starting anything especially now that I am his boss. And mentioned that if we had an affair and I broke things off with my husband, we would always be that couple that started as an affair, and have that "dirty" stigma attached to us. All of this could me moot, of course since I have no idea if the OM really is interested in me. But I don't want the reason for ending my marriage to be the OM, I want it to be because I am not fulfilled with my current man and see no future for us, or don't desire one. I was always going to be the one who didn't get a divorce - parents did, and I believed in my vows when I made them, but I am just so torn up inside. I have been looking back at my life an wondering if I got married more because it was the "next step" than because I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with someone. If I was meant to be with him forever, then why am I so crazy about this OM? If this were just a crush, wouldn't it have faded by now? Four years seems like a long time.....

Gotta go, husband is on his way home from work.... sigh.... thanks for reading....
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Old 28th May 2006, 11:22 PM   #2
 
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abc...

Don't get divorced for 'someone else'. Get divorced because you don't want to be married anymore, and you'd like to give yourself and your husband the freedom to choose, or look for, a more satisfying personal relationship.

Never make a life decision on an attraction for 'someone else.'
Make it because you'd rather be alone than married.
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Old 29th May 2006, 6:35 AM   #3
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You've been together with your husband for 10 yrs and want to leave this easily?
Have you ever spoken to him abt your lack of passion and his lack of romance?
Seems you want to give up so easily for this other man and you have fears abt him commiting and you not sure if he's even really intreted in a relationship with you.
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Old 29th May 2006, 9:14 AM   #4
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My family would be devastated if I announced that I was separating from my husband, they think we have the perfect marriage
So you would rather live miserably and live a lie (being married to a man you don't love anymore) just so you don't upset your family? That's crap! It's YOUR life. If you are unhappy either GO to marriage counselling and fix things or get a divorce. Don't use the excuse that your family will be upset and that is why you're suffering in a marriage you're unhappy in.

It's also NOT fair to your husband. He's married to a woman who doesn't really love him.

Are you sure that you're just not into the OM so much that you're feelings now are clouded? Having feelings for two men and ofcourse right now the ones for the OM are much stronger, so you're more into him than you are your husband...

Think about it. How were things at home BEFORE you met this other guy? Were you honestly thinking these unhappy thoughts before the other guy came into the picture? Did you feel that way towards your husband then?
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Old 31st May 2006, 12:13 PM   #5
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ABC,
I know a little about having a husband who is a nice guy but doesn't fight for me and is as you say passive. It sounds like you are missing that passion in you marriage. And you are seeing it elsewhere. Make wise decisions. Don't act on impulse and if you want to leave your h do it because you want to better your life not because you are attracted to someone else. It may only lead to regrets.
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Old 31st May 2006, 2:55 PM   #6
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These posts really chap my ass. I am also "one of the good ones" and a "nice guy". My ex did all the same crap you are doing for another guy (married with 2 small kids and 17 years older than her) and basically said all the same crap you are saying - "why doesn't he fight for me? ....etc.". The question is: in your situation what would be the point? You are making all the decisions for both of you here. You aren't happy. You want to give up. You are "in love" with someone else. You are worried about the consequnces for you if you leave. You don't want to go to counselling. I fought tooth and nail to make my ex happy and save our "relationship". The problem is that relationships aren't worth saving if only one of the people involved is actually working at saving it. I wanted to point out something else that was interesting about your post - read how many times you speak about yourself "I....me etc..". I don't know you but from the sounds of it you are a pretty selfish person and all about your needs - no one elses. It really sounds like you don't deserve a good guy like your husband.
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Old 1st June 2006, 1:03 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Shineshop
These posts really chap my ass. I am also "one of the good ones" and a "nice guy". My ex did all the same crap you are doing for another guy (married with 2 small kids and 17 years older than her) and basically said all the same crap you are saying - "why doesn't he fight for me? ....etc.". The question is: in your situation what would be the point? You are making all the decisions for both of you here. You aren't happy. You want to give up. You are "in love" with someone else. You are worried about the consequnces for you if you leave. You don't want to go to counselling. I fought tooth and nail to make my ex happy and save our "relationship". The problem is that relationships aren't worth saving if only one of the people involved is actually working at saving it. I wanted to point out something else that was interesting about your post - read how many times you speak about yourself "I....me etc..". I don't know you but from the sounds of it you are a pretty selfish person and all about your needs - no one elses. It really sounds like you don't deserve a good guy like your husband.
Shineshop,

Ouch! I guess in a sense your point is a good one... even though it stings.

Abc,

I can say that I feel for you right now because your situation sounds like mine, although I am not uphappy in my marriage. The passion is there, the love is there... but somehow I have grown completely and emotionally attached to someone else. It's complicated.

I hope that whatever you decide to do that you will look at things through your spouses eyes too. This news will probably devastate him... but if you aren't willing to bargin on your happiness, then I would say you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Also take into consideration that this OM doesn't even realize he is the OM.

GL!

--- littleroom
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Last edited by littleroom; 1st June 2006 at 1:06 AM..
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Old 5th June 2006, 2:47 PM   #8
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Abc,

Like Littleroon I have a similar situation. I can't tell you how to feel all I can say is that it is a very tough thing to deal with. If in fact what you say is true, that you have no passion, etc. in your marriage you may be one step further in knowing what you want to do. However, I do think that the question posed to you in an earlier post, was the lack of passion, etc. there before you met the OM?, is a very valid question to ask. You should probably look at that honestly and answer that. This may help you in dealing with your marriage. The issue of the OM is another. I have met someone through a similar situation that I can't stop thinking about or wanting to be around and I would say that I have/had a great marriage. I keep telling myself that my marriage was wonderful and I just can't figure out why I find myself attracted to someone else. I am now trying to deal with distanceing myself from this OM and accepting that maybe my marriage was lacking something or it's just me as to why I find myself wanting this OM. Good Luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
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Old 5th June 2006, 9:26 PM   #9
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I want so badly to be with this other man - even though I know he's not romantic either, and is a commitment-phobe (broke up with his GF of 3 years b/c she wanted to get married and he didn't) - at least I have the attraction that I am lacking in my marriage.
This has got to tell you something significant - you are attracted to someone at the very same time as you realize that he is not the answer to your problems, and brings to the table some of the very same issues (e.g. "not romantic either") that you have with your husband.

Quote:
My husband and I just don't have fun any more, and I know that a lot of it has to do with my feelings for the OM.
Hard to gauge cause and effect here, but it seems kinda hard to blame this on your husband, then, doesn't it?

Quote:
Why isn't he fighting for me? Why doesn't he see that I am unhappy? Am I that good an actress?
Because you are hiding it from him! Isn't that the whole point here? You want him to be such a perfect, fantasy idea of a husband that he can read your mind and heart even when you are actively hiding them from him. Yes, a perfect husband would be, well, a perfect husband. Maybe I'll have a chance to be one some day. But real human beings, here on earth, talk and communicate their needs.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but you're basically my wife a year ago. Honey, "broaching the subject" of counseling and problems in our marriage might have been a shock, but not as devastating as finding out that it was too late because you hid yourself from me for 2 years, expecting me to read your mind, and finally giving up because you thought I failed you at that task.

Something I've heard others ask of those in your type of "should I or shouldn't I" situation: map out your next couple of years for me. Describe them like you are writing the story of your life looking back from 5 years down the road. Start from the decision to leave your husband, and tell me your vision for what happens next over the next few years. Make it realistic - the divorce timeframe, living arrangements, financial issues, job situation, relationship with the OM - because this is your life you're making decisions about here. Can you map out a realistic course that gets you somewhere you want to be?
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Last edited by Trimmer; 5th June 2006 at 9:37 PM..
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Old 5th June 2006, 10:29 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Trimmer
This has got to tell you something significant - you are attracted to someone at the very same time as you realize that he is not the answer to your problems, and brings to the table some of the very same issues (e.g. "not romantic either") that you have with your husband.


Hard to gauge cause and effect here, but it seems kinda hard to blame this on your husband, then, doesn't it?


Because you are hiding it from him! Isn't that the whole point here? You want him to be such a perfect, fantasy idea of a husband that he can read your mind and heart even when you are actively hiding them from him. Yes, a perfect husband would be, well, a perfect husband. Maybe I'll have a chance to be one some day. But real human beings, here on earth, talk and communicate their needs.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but you're basically my wife a year ago. Honey, "broaching the subject" of counseling and problems in our marriage might have been a shock, but not as devastating as finding out that it was too late because you hid yourself from me for 2 years, expecting me to read your mind, and finally giving up because you thought I failed you at that task.

Something I've heard others ask of those in your type of "should I or shouldn't I" situation: map out your next couple of years for me. Describe them like you are writing the story of your life looking back from 5 years down the road. Start from the decision to leave your husband, and tell me your vision for what happens next over the next few years. Make it realistic - the divorce timeframe, living arrangements, financial issues, job situation, relationship with the OM - because this is your life you're making decisions about here. Can you map out a realistic course that gets you somewhere you want to be?

You make some good points there. One question I asked my ex after she was caught was "how has anything you have done made your life any better?". she had at that point lost most of the few friends she had, lost the respect of her family, destroyed my family members, lost the lifestyle she had become accustomed to (beautiful home/cars etc...) and most of all lost the guy that weeks earlier she had cried all night to a mutual friend over possibly losing as I was the guy "she wanted to spend the rest of her life with". Well she didn't think things through BEFORE she went out and destoyed our relationship and more importantly the family of the poor woman with whose husband she cheated with. Think before you act.
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Old 5th June 2006, 10:31 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by littleroom
Shineshop,

Ouch! I guess in a sense your point is a good one... even though it stings.
--- littleroom
I really honestly don't want to be overly critical but being 7 months out from having my world as I knew it destroyed by this type of behaviour I am trying to impress upon people the consequences of this type of thing. I do feel sorry for people caught in these circumstances but you have a choice. You can either make the right one or the wrong one.
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Old 6th June 2006, 12:09 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Shineshop
I really honestly don't want to be overly critical but being 7 months out from having my world as I knew it destroyed by this type of behaviour I am trying to impress upon people the consequences of this type of thing. I do feel sorry for people caught in these circumstances but you have a choice. You can either make the right one or the wrong one.
It's true and your point is well taken.

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Old 6th June 2006, 12:53 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by aaaBBBccc
But I don't want the reason for ending my marriage to be the OM, I want it to be because I am not fulfilled with my current man and see no future for us, or don't desire one.
ABC,

I think these words are quite important, and that you are probably more focused on the real issue than you think.

Forget about the guy at work; he's not important, he might not even be interested in you and (as Trimmer pointed out) he does not seem to be the answer to your problems anyway - even if he was interested.

Concentrate on your M. Yes, I think you would be right to leave your M, despite what your family might think but also because your H deserves to be with someone who loves and respects him. He should not have to spend the rest of HIS life living a lie. I agree with WWIU on these points.

But before you give up on your M, you have to try to save it first. Have you even given your H a chance to make things better by telling him what you need and what you think is wrong with the M? Nobody is a mind reader, and least of all men, so I think you need to communicate with him and do it clearly. Go to counselling! It is not fair on him that he should not know that his M is in trouble and not be given a chance to improve things.

Good luck!
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Old 6th June 2006, 1:11 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Jessie61
Nobody is a mind reader, and least of all men...
I love that! You'll have a special place in my heart forever for the way you crafted that statement.
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Old 6th June 2006, 1:42 AM   #15
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I love that! You'll have a special place in my heart forever for the way you crafted that statement.
Well, I have realised that men and women do communicate in different ways, and it is just the way we are, so there is absolutely no offense intended!!

Subtlety does not work on men..... Unless it is "as subtle as a brick through the window", if you know what I mean...
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